A Friend

When trouble comes your soul to try,
You love the Friend who just “stands by.”
Perhaps there’s nothing he can do—
The thing is strictly up to you;
For there are troubles all your own,
And paths the soul must tread alone;
Times when Love cannot smooth the road
Nor Friendship lift the heavy load,
But just to know you have a Friend
Who will “stand by” until the end,
Whose sympathy through all endures,
Whose "warm" hand clasp is always yours—
It helps, someway, to pull you through,
Although there’s nothing he can do.
And so with fervent heart I cry—
God bless the Friend who just “stands by!”

What's for Dinner?

The young couple invited their elderly pastor for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having.

"Goat," the little boy replied.

"Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth, "Are you sure about that?"

"Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Dad say to Mom, 'Today is just as good as any to have the old goat for dinner.'"

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

Babysitting

With some misgivings, we left a young babysitter in charge of our three energetic youngsters.

When we returned a few hours later, she was sitting alone watching TV.

I went to check on the children and found them in our narrow hallway. By bracing their arms and legs against the walls, two of them had climbed up to the ceiling.

"The babysitter taught us how," they said gleefully.

The sitter joined me, her face a deep red. "Since they had me climbing the walls, I figured they might as well be too," she stammered.

We kept the same girl for the next two years.

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

Wire Guard

Gale-force winds and frigid temperatures had taken their toll. Snapped electric wires were sparking and snaking about the snowdrifts. As a foot patrolman, I was assigned to a desolate intersection to provide security at the scene of a downed wire.

It was 12:40 a.m. and -19 degrees when I relieved the initialguardian of this dangerous area. He pointed out the thin line swinging ferociously from the main electric circuit, as he entered the squad car for his return to warmth. I pulled my coat collar up to my earmuffs and took up my position to protect the public.

Finally, at 5:40 a.m., a utility truck arrived. The linemen checked the wires, then, laughing, descended toward me.

"Well, Officer," one of them said, "congratulations. You've successfully guarded a frozen kite string all night."

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

The Holy Spirit

Tozer on the Holy Spirit

In my sober judgment the relation of the Spirit to the believer is
the most vital question the church faces today.

Keys to the Deeper Life, page 15



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February 17

The Holy Spirit: Dead Churches

....These things says He who has the seven Spirits of God and the seven stars: "I know your works, that you have a name that you are alive, but you are dead." --Revelation 3:1

I think we are going to have to restudy this whole teaching of the place of the Holy Spirit in the Church, so the Body can operate again. If the life goes out of a man's body, he is said to be a corpse. He is what they call "the remains." It is sad, but humorously sad, that a strong, fine man with shining eyes and vibrant voice, a living man, dies, and we say, "the remains" can be seen at a funeral home. All the remains of the man, and the least part about him, is what you can see there in the funeral home. The living man is gone. You have only the body. The body is "the remains."

So it is in the Church of Christ. It is literally true that some churches are dead. The Holy Spirit has gone out of them and all you have left are "the remains." You have the potential of the church but you do not have the church, just as you have in a dead man the potential of a living man but you do not have a living man. He can't talk, he can't taste, he can't touch, he can't feel, he can't smell, he can't see, he can't hear--because he is dead! The soul has gone out of the man, and when the Holy Spirit is not present in the Church, you have to get along after the methods of business or politics or psychology or human effort. The Counselor, 112-113.

"Lord, send Your Holy Spirit in power, that we might not be a dead church, striving to look alive, pretending to function as though alive, while the life is actually gone. Amen."


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Today's "Insight for Leaders" is taken by permission from the book, Tozer on Christian Leadership, published by WingSpread Publishers

Bubba had shingles.

Those of us who spend much time in a doctor's office should appreciate this! Doesn't it seem more and more that physicians are running their practices like an assembly line?
Here's what happened to Bubba:

Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Bubba said: 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba what he had.
Bubba said, 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, 'Shingles..' So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and found Bubba sitting patiently in the nude and asked Bubba what he had.

Bubba said, 'Shingles.' The doctor asked, 'Where?'
Bubba said, 'Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em??'
1.

Pants Dilemma

A young man came home from the office and found his bride sobbing convulsively. "I feel terrible," she told him. "I was pressing your suit and I burned a big hole in the seat of your trousers."

"Forget it," consoled her husband. "Remember that I've got an extra pair of pants for that suit."

"Yes,and it's lucky you have," said the woman, drying her eyes. "I used them to patch the hole."

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

The Holy Spirit: Confirming Signs

And they went out and preached everywhere, the Lord working with them and confirming the word through the accompanying signs. --Mark 16:20

Such words as these in the second chapter of Hebrews stand as a rebuke to the unbelieving Christians of our day: "God also bearing them witness, both with signs and wonders, and with divers miracles, and gifts of the Holy Ghost, according to his own will." A cold Church is forced to "interpret" such language. She cannot enter into it, so she explains it away. Not a little juggling is required, and not a few statements for which there is not scriptural authority, but anything will do to save face and justify our half-dead condition. Such defensive exegesis is but a refuge for unbelieving orthodoxy, a hiding place for a Church too weak to stand.

No one with a knowledge of the facts can deny the need for supernatural aid in the work of world evangelization. We are so hopelessly outclassed by the world's superior strength that for us it means either God's help or sure defeat. The Christian who goes out without faith in "wonders" will return without fruit. No one dare be so rash as to seek to do impossible things unless he has first been empowered by the God of the impossible. "The power of the Lord was there" is our guarantee of victory. Paths to Power, 12-13.

"May the power of the Lord be with me in my ministry today, so that I might not be 'outclassed by the world's superior strength.' Amen."

The Holy Spirit: Wild-eyed Fanatics

Do not quench the Spirit. Do not despise prophecies. Test all things; hold fast what is good. --1 Thessalonians 5:19-21

This is a crude illustration, but let me tell you what we did after planting a field of corn when I was a young fellow in Pennsylvania. To save the field of corn from the crows, we would shoot an old crow and hang him by his heels in the middle of the field. This was supposed to scare off all of the crows for miles around. The crows would hold a conference and say, "Look, there is a field of corn but don't go near it. I saw a dead crow over there!"

That's the kind of conference that Satan calls, and that is exactly what he has done. He has taken some fanatical, weird, wild-eyed Christians who do things that they shouldn't, and he has stationed them in the middle of God's cornfield, and warns, "Now, don't you go near that doctrine about the Holy Spirit because if you do, you will act just like these wild-eyed fanatics." The Counselor, 63.

"Keep us, Lord, from shying away from such valuable truth and experience as the ministry of the Holy Spirit because of the excesses of a few fanatics. We lose too much, and we can't afford the loss. Amen."


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Today's "Insight for Leaders" is taken by permission from the book, Tozer on Christian Leadership, published by WingSpread Publishers

No comment necessary!!

The Bridge Builder

An old man, going on a lonely way,
Came at the evening cold and gray,
To a chasm vast and deep and wide
The old man crossed in the twilight dim,
The \sullen stream had no fear for him;
But he turned when safe on the other side
And built a bridge to span the tide.
“Old man,” said a fellow pilgrim near,
“You are wasting your strength with building here
Your journey will end with the ending day,
You never again will pass this way;
You’ve crossed the chasm deep and wide,
Why build a bridge to span the tide?”
The builder lifted his old gray head—
“Good friend, in the path I have come,” He said,
“There followeth after me today
A youth whose feet must pass this way,
This chasm that has been naught to me,
To the fair-haired youth may a pitfall be;
He, too, must cross in the twilight dim;
Good friend,I am building this bridge for him."

Recently we came across two little books of poems. Some of these are quite spiritual in nature and some have a humorous content. The one below has an interesting ending.

How To Pray
The proper way for a man to pray,
Said Deacon Lemuel Keys,
The only proper attitude,
Is down on your knees.

No! I should, say the way to pray,
Said Reverend Doctor Wise,
Is standing straight with outstretched arms
And rapturous upturned eyes.

It seems to me his hands should be
Devoutly clasped In front,
With both thumbs pointing t’wards the ground,
Said Reverend Dr. Blunt

Last year I fell in Hodkin’s well,
Head first, said Cyrus Brown,
With both my heels a-stickln’ up,
My head a-p'intin’ down.

And I made prayer right then and there—
Best prayer I ever said.
The prayin’est prayer I ever prayed
Was standin’ on my head.

Lay-off letter

A Lay-off letter from an excellent boss.


Dear Employees:

As the CEO of this organization, I have resigned myself to the fact that Barrack Obama is our President and that our taxes and government fees will increase in a BIG way.

To compensate for these increases, our prices would have to increase by about 10%. But since we cannot increase our prices right now due to the dismal state of the economy, we will have to lay off sixty of our employees instead.

This has really been bothering me since I believe we are family here and I didn't know how to choose who would have to go.

So, this is what I did. I walked through our parking lots and found sixty 'Obama' bumper stickers on our employees' cars and have decided these folks will be the ones to let go. I can't think of a more fair way to approach this problem. They voted for change...... I gave it to them.

I will see the rest of you at the annual company picnic.

THE BOSS

Shirt Note

The trendy dresser fancied himself quite a ladies' man, and was delighted to find a note pinned inside a new shirt. It contained a girl's name and address, and asked the recipient to send a photograph. How romantic, he thought to himself, very taken with the idea of this mystery woman so eager to meet him, and promptly mailed off a note and a photo. Heart aflutter, he opened her response.

It read, "Thanks for writing. I was just curious to see what kind of guy would buy such a goofy shirt."

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

Cinnamon Rolls

At breakfast one day, I eagerly waited for my husband to comment on my first attempt at homemade cinnamon rolls.

After several minutes with no reaction, I asked, "If I baked these commercially, how much do you think I could get for one of them?"

Without looking up from his paper my husband replied, "About 10 years."

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

THE DASH

I read of a man who stood to speak at the funeral of a friend.
He referred to the dates on his tombstone from the beginning to the end.

He noted that first came the date of his birth and spoke the following with tears,
But he said that what mattered most of all was the dash between those years.

For that dash represents all the time he spent alive on earth...
And now only those who loved him know what that little line is worth.

For it matters not how much we own: the cars, the house, the cash.
What matters is how we live and love and how we spend our dash.

So think about this long and hard... Are there things you’d like to change?
For you never know how much time is left. You could be at “dash mid-range.”

If we could just stow down enough to consider what’s true and real,
And always try to understand the way other people feel.

And be less quick to anger, and show appreciation more,
And love the people in our lives like we’ve never loved before.

If we treat each other with respect, and more often wear a smile,
Remembering that this special dash might only last a little while.

So, when your eulogy’s being read with your life’s actions to rehash,
Would you be proud of the things they say about how you spend your dash?

By: Linda Ellis

DEAF WIFE

A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
"Here's what you do," said the Doctor, stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you.
If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what
happens." Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?"

No response.

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Again he gets no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?"

This time his wife turns around, looks right at him and says, "Ralph, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!"

TASTE MY JESUS!

At the University of Chicago Divinity School each year they have what is called "Baptist Day..." On this day each one is to bring a lunch to be eaten outdoors in a grassy picnic area.

Every "Baptist Day" the school would invite one of the greatest minds to lecture in the theological education center.

.One year they invited Dr. Paul Tillich. Dr.Tillich spoke for two and one-half hours proving that the resurrection of Jesus was false. He quoted scholar after scholar and book after book. He concluded that since there was no such thing as the historical resurrection the religious tradition of the church was groundless, emotional mumbo-jumbo, because it was based on a relationship with a risen Jesus, who, in fact never rose from the dead in any literal sense. He then asked if there were any questions.

After about 30 seconds, an old, dark skinned preacher with a head of short-cropped, woolly white hair stood up in the back of the auditorium. "Docta Tillich, I got one question," he said as all eyes turned toward him.

He reached into his sack lunch and pulled out an apple and began eating it. "Docta Tillich.. CRUNCH, MUNCH "My question is a simple question,... CRUNCH, MUNCH... "Now, I ain't never read them books you read. CRUNCH, MUNCH.." and I can't recite the Scriptures in the original Greek...CRUNCH, MUNCH ....." I don't know nothin' about Niebuhr and Heidegger...CRUNCH, MUNCH... He finished the apple. "All I wanna know is: This apple I just ate, . ... . . . . was it bitter or sweet?

Dr Tillich paused for a moment and answered in exemplary scholarly fashion: "I cannot possibly answer that question, for I haven't tasted your apple."

The white-haired preacher dropped the core of his apple into his crumpled paper bag, looked up at Dr. Tillich and said calmly, "Neither have you tasted my Jesus."

The 1,000 plus in attendance could not contain themselves. The auditorium erupted with applause and cheers.

Have you tasted Jesus?

Please pass this on Saints! Jesus has risen... and He's coming back one day....

"Taste and see that the LORD is good; blessed is the man who takes refuge in Him. If you have, rejoice in the hope of the resurrection that your faith in Him brings." Psalm 34:8!