Kind Word

TODAY'S CLEAN LAUGH

*Kind Word*

A man walked into a restaurant in a strange town. The waiter came and asked him for his order. Feeling lonely, he replied, "Meat loaf and a kind word."

When the waiter returned with the meat loaf, the man said, "Okay, so where's the kind word?"

The waiter put down the meat loaf and sighed, bent down, and whispered gently, "Don't eat the meat loaf."

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

Good Singer

TODAY'S CLEAN LAUGH

*Good Singer*

In a Brooklyn upscale pet shop, an elderly woman burst into the store. "I want to buy a canary, but it's got to be a real good singer. I've got good, hard U.S. cash, but I'm only paying only for a good singer."

The shop owner began moving a ladder towards a small cage on a shelf about fifteen feet up, near the ceiling of the store. "Ma'am, I'm forty years in this business. In that cage is the best singer I've ever had ."

"Don't think I'm gonna feel obligated to pay for something I don't want just because you're climbing up a ladder like a monkey. I want a canary but it's got to be the best singer."

By this point the shop keeper was coming down from the ladder. "Ma'am, this bird is a veritable feathered Caruso!" Placing the cage on the counter, the bird burst into melody after melody.

Awed, the woman murmured, "This bird is really a good singer."

Suddenly in a shrill scream, "Hey, what's with you? This bird's only got one leg."

The pet store owner was unperturbed, "Lady what do you want a singer ? . . . . . or a dancer?"

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

Christian Quotation of the Day

Good Morning,

The following is a copy of an email sent to me today as they do each day. You may want to sign up for these to come to you each day.

____________-

Christian Quotation of the Day

March 27, 2009

Meditation:
Before long, the world will not see me anymore, but you
will see me. Because I live, you also will live. On that day
you will realize that I am in my Father, and you are in me,
and I am in you.
-- John 14:19,20 (NIV)

_______________________________________________________________

Quotation:
If I could hear Christ praying for me in the next room, I
would not fear a million enemies. Yet distance makes no
difference. He is praying for me.
... Robert Murray M'Cheyne (1813-1843), The Life and
Remains, Letters, Lectures, and Poems of the Rev.
Robert Murray McCheyne, Andrew Alexander Bonar, New
York, R. Carter, 1866, p.138
See the book at http://cqod.com/r/rs026

_______________________________________________________________

Quiet time reflection:
Lord, Your presence drives out all fear.

_______________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________

This week's suggested answers are now available at
http://www.cqod.com/QBS

_______________________________________________________________

See Believer's Desktop Companion 2007
http://www.cqod.com/cqoddtcb.html

_______________________________________________________________

CQOD Compilation Copyright 2009, Robert McAnally Adams, Curator
CQOD Home Page: http://www.cqod.com/
CQOD Blog: http://cqod.blogspot.com/
CQOD RSS Feed: http://cqod.com/r/feed
Subscription info: http://www.cqod.com/cqodlist.htm
Comments, problems: email to curator@cqod.com

Now is the Time

All stories copyright 2009 Bob Perks
Today's message:
"Now is the time"
By Bob Perks

I've wasted it.

I've spent it.

I've given it.

I've passed it.

I've sold it.

Now I'm trying to find more of it.

Time.

I've discovered that no one knows exactly what time it is.

I was driving the other day and listening to my radio.
The announcer said it was 2:15. I looked at the clock
on the radio dial and it said it was 2:10. I don't wear
a watch anymore because I carry a phone with me. Unable
to reach for the phone, I looked for a clock along the
road I was traveling.

The bank clock said it was 2:18.

Coming to a red light I pulled my cell phone out and
when I opened it it said 2:20.

All of this within a two minute travel time and none
of the clocks agreed or even came close to agreeing.

When I arrived home My kitchen clock said it was now
2:45. My microwave said it was 2:42. My dining room
clock said it was 2:40.

My phone?

2:46.

The words from a song by the group Chicago came to mind.

"Does anyone really know what time it is?
Does anyone really care?"
No I can't imagine why
We've all got time enough to cry"

So, I began to think about how really precious time is
and decided to begin collecting it.

Every time I find a difference between one clock
and another, I'll just save the minutes. I'll choose
to take the earlier time.

Now, that will most likely make me late for appointments.
Or everyone else early.

Then I realized something. There really isn't any time
at all. Time was a tool created by mankind in an effort
to keep track of everything.

The truth is the only real time is now.

Do you understand that?

I'll say it again...The truth is the only real time is now.

At this very second it is today and tomorrow depending on
where you live in the world.

Forget the calendar, too.

It's day time and night time at the same time in the world.

It is sunrise and sunset and summer and winter.

In that same second there is birth and death.

Beginnings and endings.

Happiness and sadness.

You and me.

So, what are you going to do?

Really, if all you have is now, are you going to sit down
or stand up?

If all you have is now are you going to stop or go?

If all you have is now, are you going to hate or love?

If all you have is now, are you going to forgive or grudge?

If all you have is now, are you going to live or wait to die?

Time.

The truth is the only real time is now.

Now...what are you going to do?

"I believe in you!"
Bob

I encourage you to share my stories but
I do ask that you keep my name and contact
information with my work.

If you would like to receive Bob's Inspirational
stories, please visit http://www.IWishYouEnough.com
and submit your email address.

Sometimes

"Sometimes"
By Bob Perks

Sometimes.

I watched that day as two men played cards in a nearby park. It was a warm, sunny day blessed
with an occasional breeze just when you needed it.

I saw it as the kind of day I would rather be restingin a lounge chair in my yard with a cool drink withinreach. Eyes closed, baseball cap tilted slightly over my eyes to shade them from the sun.

Here I was, walking in the park perhaps in search ofthe perfect tree to sit under while watching the world go by. It is another one of my favorite things to do; watch the world go by.

Two men caught my eye when I arrived. Because they were playing cards, I thought it was best not tointerrupt them.

Instead, they called to me.

"Hey, fella!" one man shouted. "Come over here and settle this."

This might not be a good thing.

"Are you asking me to take sides on a bet?" I asked as I walked toward them.

"Not a bet," he said.

"Keep in mind, sometimes you win and sometimes you lose," I added.

The other man began laughing hysterically.

"There you go. I told you. That's exactly what I said," the man shouted.

I was a bit confused at this point. I thought they were going to ask me about the card game. I don't play cards, so I thought I'd be safe in this conversation.

"What's this all about?" I asked.

"Sometimes," the man said.

"Sometimes what?"

"The word. I just told my friend that sometimes is a philosophy. He brought it up when I lost the last hand. He said exactly what you said, "Sometimes you win..."

"How's that a philosophy?"

"My parents, my father in particular, always used that word when I asked about things growing up," he said.

Pausing for a moment as though he was remembering some particular conversations, he continued.

"It is how I was raised. Now that I look back I see how limiting that was and wonder how much more I could have accomplished," he said.

"Give me an example," I asked.

"We were poor. If I asked him if poor people ever get rich, he'd say sometimes. If I asked if I was smart enough, he'd say sometimes. If I asked if he loved me, he'd say sometimes."

The sunlight that warmed the day suddenly sparkled in the corner of his eye. That last thought brought a tear.

"So, hearing your friend say, "Sometimes you win," made you think about that?"

"Yes," he said in a whisper.

"So, what's stopping you now?" I asked.

He looked surprised.

"Men our age don't get second chances," his friend said.

"Sometimes," I said. He smiled.

"But here are three ways to change that."

First...Every ending is a new beginning. If retirement brings an ending, freedom to dream big
doesn't end there.

Second...they say attitude is everything so choose a better one than that.

Third...take on the challenge to change the perception of being old. It's nice playing cards in the park. Why not be proactive in your community. If you have children, prove to them it's never too late to begin again.

The truth is sometimes you win but you always learn from losing. That's a win, too."

The man stood up to shake my hand.

"Sometimes," he said with emphasis, "you have a second chance and you don't know it," he said.

"It is how I was raised. Now that I look back I see how limiting that was and wonder how much
more I could have accomplished," he said.

"What's stopping you now?" I asked. It was a simple word but in his childhood it was more of a philosophy.

"When God can't get you to see it, "Sometimes" he sends a "Friend you never met" to remind you, I added.

"I believe in you!"

Bob

I encourage you to share my stories but I do ask that you keep my name and contact information with my work. All stories copyright 2008 Bob Perks

Happy Marriage

A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything.

They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about. For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said She would not recover.

In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside.

She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000.

He asked her about the contents. 'When we were to be married,' she said, 'my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.'

The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.

'Honey,' he said, 'that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?'

'Oh,' she said, 'that's the money I made from selling the dolls.'


A Prayer.......

Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him, and Patience for his moods. Because Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death, because I don't have time to crochet.

Thank you Earleen for this one!!!

A Vanished Friend

May the following item inspire us to do much better in keeping in touch with each other.

A Vanished Friend

Around the corner I have a friend,
In this great city that has no end,
Yet the days go by and the weeks rush on,
And before I know it, a year is gone.

And I never see my old friend’s face,
For life is a swift and terrible race,
He knows I like him just as well,
As in the days when I rang his bell.

And he rang mine but we were younger then,
And now we are busy, tired men.
Tired of playing a foolish game,
Tired of trying to make a name.

“Tomorrow” I say! “I will call Jim
Just to show that I’m thinking of him.”
But tomorrow comes and tomorrow goes,
And distance between us grows and grows.

Around the corner, yet miles away,
“Here’s a telegram sir,” “Jim died today.”
And that’s what we get and deserve in the end.
Around the corner, a vanished friend.

Author Unknown

A. W. Tozer for January 1, 2009

January: Personal Life

Some things may be neglected with but little loss to the spiritual life, but to neglect communion with God is to hurt ourselves where we cannot afford it.

The Root of the Righteous, 9.

---

Read about A. W. Tozer

January 1

Personal Life: Thus Saith the Lord

Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path. --Psalm 119:105

Every new year is an uncharted and unknown sea. No ship has ever sailed this way before. The wisest of earth's sons and daughters cannot tell us what we may encounter on this journey. Familiarity with the past may afford us a general idea of what we may expect, but just where the rocks lie hidden beneath the surface or when that "tempestuous wind called Euroclydon" may sweep down upon us suddenly, no one can say with certainty....

Now more than at any other time in generations, the believer is in a position to go on the offensive. The world is lost on a wide sea, and Christians alone know the way to the desired haven. While things were going well, the world scorned them with their Bible and hymns, but now the world needs them desperately, and it needs that despised Bible, too. For in the Bible, and there only, is found the chart to tell us where we are going on this rough and unknown ocean. The day when Christians should meekly apologize is over--they can get the world's attention not by trying to please, but by boldly declaring the truth of divine revelation. They can make themselves heard not by compromise, but by taking the affirmative and sturdily declaring, "Thus saith the Lord." This World: Playground or Battleground? pp. 9-10

"Lord, guide me carefully on this uncharted sea of a new year as I daily seek You in Your word. Then use me mightily as Your servant this year as I boldly proclaim Your word in leading others. Amen."

---

Today's "Insight for Leaders" is taken by permission from the book, Tozer on Christian Leadership, published by WingSpread Publishers.

"Insight for Leaders" emailed to you!
To have "Insight for Leaders" emailed directly to you each day, type your email address in the box below and click on "Subscribe me!" (You'll receive a follow-up email asking you to confirm your subscription request, and you must reply to that email before you will be subscribed to "Insight for Leaders.")

IMPORTANT: Choose the format of the devotional email sent to you:
Text-only devotional email; no special formatting.
HTML-formatted devotional email; uses images, color, and formatting like this web page.

Tell a friend about this Tozer resource!

Tell a friend about this Tozer "Insight for Leaders" web page by clicking here.

This page was reproduced from http://www.litmin.org/tozer.php

Cats

This is one of our cats.

The talking Christmas Tree

All stories copyright 2008 Bob Perks

Today's message:

"The talking Christmas Tree" (1999)
by Bob Perks

I hesitate, only for a moment, to tell you that what I'm
about to share is true. I believe my Christmas tree
talks to me.

From the time my two boys were old enough to understand
I have shared this revelation with them. Each year we head out
to find our talking Christmas tree. For most of those years we
have been successful in finding them at Helen and Ed's Tree Farm
about a 30 minute drive from where we live.

Besides my love and compassion for people, I have always
felt a connection to inanimate objects. Without sounding
metaphysical I simply believe that we are connected to everything
by the energy we share.

As we search for that special tree each year, we wander around
acres of farm land listening intensely for the voice. Oh, it's not a
audible voice and I can't see the branches move like the "singing"
trees that are so popular in department stores. But I feel a calling, a
connection that pulls me in the direction of just the right tree. I'll
admit that it sometimes takes a long time to connect. You see we
get so caught up in the beauty of the scenery and the wonder of the
conversation uninterrupted by phone calls and believe it or not no
Nintendo games to steal my child away. We normally cover most of the property before we get serious enough to really focus on our mission.

If it doesn't sound silly enough to you already, I don't like to make
disparaging comments to trees we find whose struggle to grow has
left them a few branches short or "balding" in spots. I honestly tell them to "keep trying, maybe next year."

But it's like everything else in life. What I don't see as the perfect
tree someone else may be overwhelmed by it's beauty. This explains
why my wife chose to marry me. Perhaps she picked me as her
"Charlie Brown Tree". You know the one from the Peanuts story that everyone made fun of until it found it's proper place in their hearts.

We continue our search then suddenly I connect, in that very special
moment, with a tree I am sure we passed by a dozen times in previous
years. I feel a oneness with a living, breathing pine tree created by God and nurtured by mankind.

There is an aura about it. I touch it, smell it and circle it in a
ritual dance probably rooted in ancient Native American customs. I
don't really dance. But my spirit tells me "this is the one!"

Twice, in proper ceremony, I have permitted my sons to come of age as I hand them the saw used only for Christmas Tree harvesting. My youngest now cuts them down with ease.

After the official tree trimming at home and my wife has gone to bed, I
take a moment to welcome the newest memory maker to our home.

And on the last night just before I turn the lights off on our tree

I say "thank you" with a hug and with a deep sigh I unplug the

lights for the final time.

I'll tell you the truth. I always struggled with cutting down a live
tree until one day I was told this story.

On that final night when the celebration of Christ's Birth has come to a
close a meeting is held in heaven to plan for next year's festivities.
A manger display, unlike anything seen here on earth is erected each
year. The official Christmas tree must be chosen one year in advance to assure proper placement next to the manger. The tree that is selected from the millions that adorned the homes here on earth is the one that was loved and appreciated the most. That one and only one takes it's place in heaven. Others serve as a plush back drop in this glorious scene.

I believe that my trees have certainly held that prestigious position
several times. No one, but no one loves their tree as much as I. At least few will admit it.

So my friends there it is. Yes, my Christmas tree talks to me and I to
it.

Am I crazy? Maybe so.
But if I was I wouldn't know.
But if I am what can I do
I'm crazy enough to believe in YOU!

Love,
Bob

"I believe in you!"
Bob

I encourage you to share my stories but I do ask that you
keep my name and contact information with my work.

If you would like to receive Bob's Inspirational
stories, please visit http://www.IWishYouEnough.com
and submit your email address.

Who do you trust?

Now on whom dust thou trust? — Isaiah 36:5

Reader, this is an important question. Listen to the Christian’s answer, and see if it is yours. “On whom dost thou trust?” “I trust,” says the Christian, “in a triune God. I trust the Father, believing that He has chosen me from before the foundations of the world; I trust Him to provide for me in providence, to teach me, to guide me to correct me if need be, and to bring me home to His own house where the many mansions are. I trust the Son. Very God of very God is He — the man Christ Jesus. I trust in Him to take away all my sins by His own sacrifice, and to adorn me with His perfect righteousness. I trust him to be my Intercessor, to present my prayers and desires before His Father’s throne, and I trust Him to be my Advocate at the last great day, to plead my cause, and to justify me. I trust Him for what He is, for what He has done, and for what He has promised yet to do. And I trust the Holy Spirit — I trust Him to drive out all my sins; I trust Him to curb my temper, to subdue my will, to enlighten my understanding, to check my passions, to comfort my despondency, to help my weakness, to illuminate my darkness; I trust Him to dwell in me as my life, to reign in me as my King, to sanctify me wholly, spirit, soul and body, and then to take me up to dwell with the saints in light for ever.”

Oh, blessed trust! To trust him whose power will never be exhausted, whose love will never wane, whose kindness will never change, whose faithfulness will never fail, whose wisdom will never be nonplused, and whose perfect goodness can never know a diminution! Happy art thou, reader, if this trust is thine! So trusting, thou shalt enjoy sweet peace now, and glory hereafter, and the foundation of thy trust shall never be removed.

— Charles H. Spurgeon

Christmas Letter from Jesus

MountainWings A MountainWings Moment
#7337 Wings Over The Mountains of Life
-------------------------------------------------

Christmas Letter from Jesus
============================

This came in my email at the perfect time. I recently got into
a discussion online with some ladies about Christmas and what
it means... and stores and companies and how they do or do not
celebrate the season! Boy, this really opened my eyes. I don't
know if you will use it, but here it is anyway!
~Jodi, Hope Mills, NC~

Dear Children,

It has come to my attention that many you are upset that folks
are taking My name out of the season. Maybe you've forgotten
that I wasn't actually born during this time of the year and
that it was some of your predecessors who decided to celebrate
My birthday on what was actually a time of pagan festival.
Although I do appreciate being remembered anytime.

How I personally feel about this celebration can probably be
most easily understood by those of you who have been blessed
with children of your own.

I don't care what you call the day. If you want to celebrate
My birth, just GET ALONG AND LOVE ONE ANOTHER.

Now, having said that let Me go on. If it bothers you that the
town in which you live doesn't allow a scene depicting My
birth, then just get rid of a couple of Santa's and snowmen
and put in a small Nativity scene on your own front lawn. If
all My followers did that there wouldn't be any need for such
a scene on the town square because there would be many of them
all around town.

Stop worrying about the fact that people are calling the tree
a holiday tree, instead of a Christmas tree. It was I who made
all trees. You can remember Me anytime you see any tree.
Decorate a grape vine if you wish: I actually spoke of that
one in a teaching, explaining who I am in relation to you and
what each of our tasks were. If you have forgotten that one,
look up John 15: 1 - 8.

If you want to give Me a present in remembrance of My birth
here is my wish list. Choose something from it:

1. Instead of writing protest letters objecting to the way My
birthday is being celebrated, write letters of love and hope
to soldiers away from home. They are terribly afraid and
lonely this time of year. I know, they tell Me all the time.

2. Visit someone in a nursing home. You don't have to know
them personally. They just need to know that someone cares
about them.

3. Instead of writing George complaining about the wording on
the cards his staff sent out this year, why don't you write
and tell him that you'll be praying for him and his family
this year. Then follow up. It will be nice hearing from you
again.

4. Instead of giving your children a lot of gifts you can't
afford and they don't need, spend time with them. Tell them
the story of My birth, and why I came to live with you down
here. Hold them in your arms and remind them that I love
them.

5. Pick someone that has hurt you in the past and forgive him
or her.

6. Did you know that someone in your town will attempt to take
their own life this season because they feel so alone and
hopeless? Since you don't know who that person is, try giving
everyone you meet a warm smile; it could make the difference.

7. Instead of nit picking about what the retailer in your town
calls the holiday, be patient with the people who work there.
Give them a warm smile and a kind word. Even if they aren't
allowed to wish you a "Merry Christmas" that doesn't keep you
from wishing them one. Then stop shopping there on Sunday.
If the store didn't make so much money on that day they'd
close and let their employees spend the day at home with their
families.

8. If you really want to make a difference, support a
missionary - especially one who takes My love and Good News to
those who have never heard My name.

9. Here's a good one. There are individuals and whole
families in your town who not only will have no "Christmas"
tree, but neither will they have any presents to give or
receive. If you don't know them, buy some food and a few
gifts and give them to the Salvation Army or some other
charity which believes in Me and they will make the delivery
for you.

10. Finally, if you want to make a statement about your belief
in and loyalty to Me, then behave like a Christian. Don't do
things in secret that you wouldn't do in My presence. Let
people know by your actions that you are one of mine.

Don't forget; I am God and can take care of Myself. Just love
Me and do what I have told you to do. I'll take care of all
the rest.

Check out the list above and get to work; time is short. I'll
help you, but the ball is now in your court. And do have a
most blessed Christmas with all those whom you love and
remember:
I LOVE YOU, JESUS

~Earthly Author Unknown~


Forward this issue to a friend or send them the link below:
http://www.mountainwings.com/past/xxxx.htm

Thank you for inviting MountainWings into your mailbox.
Change a life, give a friend MountainWings.
See you tomorrow.

Sunday Clothes

A little boy was walking down a dirt road after church one Sunday afternoon when he came to a crossroads where he met a little girl coming from the other direction.

'Hello,' said the little boy

'Hi,' replied the little girl.

'Where are you going?' asked the little boy.

'I've been to church this morning and I'm on my way home,' Answered the little girl.

'I'm also on my way home from church. Which church do you go to?' asked the little boy.

'I go to the Baptist church back down the road,' replied the little girl. 'What about you? '

'I go to the Methodist church back at the top of the hill,' Replied the little boy.

They discover that they are both going the same way so they decided that they'd walk together. They came to a low spot in the road where spring rains had partially flooded the road, so there was no way that they could get across to the other side without getting wet.

'If I get my new Sunday dress wet, my Mom's going to skin me alive,' said the little girl.

'My Mom'll tan my hide, too, if I get my new Sunday suit wet,' Replied the little boy.

'I tell you what I think I'll do,' said the little girl. 'I'm gonna pull off all my clothes and hold them over my head and wade across.'

'That's a good idea,'replied the little boy. 'I'm going to do the same thing with my suit.'

So they both undressed and waded across to the other side without getting their clothes wet. They were standing there in the sun waiting to drip dry before putting their clothes back on, when the little boy finally remarked:

'You know, I never realized before just how much difference there really is between a BAPTIST and a METHODIST!!

The Night Before Christmas - Texas Style

"T'was the night before Christmas, in Texas, you know.
Way out on the prairie, without any snow.
Asleep in their cabin, were Buddy and Sue,
A dreamin' of Christmas, like me and you.

Not stockings, but boots, at the foot of their bed,
For this was Texas, what more need be said,
When all of a sudden, from out of the still night,
There came such a ruckus, it gave me a fright.

And I saw 'cross the prairie, like a shot from a gun,
A loaded up buckboard, come on at a run,
The driver was "Geein" and "Hawin", with a will,
The horses (not reindeer) he drove with such skill.

"Come on there Buck, Poncho, & Prince, to the right,
There'll be plenty of travelin' for you all tonight."

The driver in Levi's and a shirt that was red,
Had a ten-gallon Stetson on top of his head.
As he stepped from the buckboard, he was really a sight,
With his beard and moustache, so curly and white.

As he burst in the cabin, the children awoke,
And were so astonished, that neither one spoke.
And he filled up their boots with such presents galore,
That neither could think of a single thing more.

When Buddy recovered the use of his jaws,
He asked in a whisper, "Are you really Santa Claus?"
"Am I the real Santa? Well, what do you think?"
And he smiled as he gave a mysterious wink.

Then he leaped in his buckboard and called back in his drawl,
"To all the children in Texas, Merry Christmas, y'all"

You can rate this joke at:http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh-archive/3737

The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt Communicationshttp://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

Update 06/14/08

This post is being written on a computer in the lobby of our hotel in Ashville, NC.

Our trip thus far has been very good. The two day trip getting to North Carolina was quite tiring but the three days we stayed in an inn was able to get us back to feeling like we were on vacation. We have been touring around Ashville and up and down Blue Ridge Parkway. This is beautiful country and we have much more to see.

I will try to post later on the trip.

BLOG Pause and several good ones

This will probably be the last post for about four weeks and maybe more. I will be leaving today to pick up my daughter in Houston and then head for North Carolina where we will spend two weeks touring that area. After that I will attend a three day seminar at the Billy Graham Cove. Following that I will leisurely travel back home taking my own sweet time enjoying the country and friends.

The following are items I intended to post as needed and decided to give them all to you at one time. These came to me from several different email buddies. Thank you one and all for your wonderful contributions!!

See you in about a month or more. Please pray for a safe trip.

+++++++++++++++++++++++

CATHOLIC SHAMPOO

While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer, wine, and liquor section. One asked the other if she would like a beer. The second nun answered that, indeed, it would be very nice to have one, but that she would feel uncomfortable about purchasing it.

The first nun replied that she would handle that without a problem. She picked up a six-pack and took it to the cashier.

The cashier had a surprised look, so the nun said, 'This is for washing our hair.' Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter and put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer.

'The curlers are on me.'

PRICELESS

+++++++++++++++++++++++

Bubba's sister is pregnant and is in a bad car accident, which caused Her to fall into a deep coma.

After nearly six months, she awakens and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins -- a boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your Brother came in and named them."

The woman thinks to herself, "Oh, no! Not Bubba; he's an idiot!" Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's Name?"

"Denise," the doctor answers.

The new mother thinks, "Wow! That's a beautiful name! I guess I was Wrong about my brother.
I really like the name Denise." Then she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?"

The doctor replies, "Denephew."

+++++++++++++++++++++++

Two 90-year-old women, Rose and Barb, had been friends all of their lives.

When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited her every day. One day Barb said, 'Rose, we both loved playing women's softball all our lives, and we played all through High School. Please do me one favor: when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's women's soft-ball there.'

Rose looked up at Barb from her deathbed and said, 'Barb, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you.' Shortly after that, Rose passed on.

At midnight a few nights later, Barb was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, 'Barb, Barb.'

'Who is it?' asked Barb, sitting up suddenly. 'Who is it?'

'Barb -- it's me, Rose.'

'You're not Rose. Rose just died.'

'I'm telling you, it's me, Rose,' insisted the voice.

'Rose! Where are you?'

'In Heaven,' replied Rose. 'I have some really good news and a little bad news.'

'Tell me the good news first,' said Barb.

'The good news,' Rose said, 'is that there's Softball in Heaven. Better yet, all of our old buddies who died before us

are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always springtime, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired.'

'That's fantastic,' said Barb. 'It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?'

'You're pitching Tuesday.'

++++++++++++++++++

It happened every Friday evening, almost without fail, when the sun resembled a giant orange and was starting to dip into the blue ocean.

Old Ed came strolling along the beach to his favorite pier. Clutched in his bony hand was a bucket of shrimp. Ed walks out to the end of the pier, where it seems he almost has the world to himself. The glow of the sun is a golden bronze now.

Everybody's gone, except for a few joggers on the beach. Standing out on the end of the pier, Ed is alone with his thoughts....and his bucket of shrimp. Before long, however, he is no longer alone. Up in the sky a thousand white dots come screeching and squawking, winging their way toward that lanky frame standing there on the end of the pier. Before long, dozens of seagulls have enveloped him, their wings fluttering and flapping wildly. Ed stands there tossing shrimp to the hungry birds.

As he does, if you listen closely, you can hear him say with a smile, "Thank you. Thank you."

In a few short minutes the bucket is empty. But Ed doesn't leave. He stands there lost in thought, as though transported to another time and place. Invariably, one of the gulls lands on his sea-bleached, weather-beaten hat - an old military hat he's been wearing for years. When he finally turns around and begins to walk back toward the beach, a few of the birds hop along the pier with him until he gets to the stairs, and then they, too, fly away. And old Ed quietly makes his way down to the end of the beach and on home.

If you were sitting there on the pier with your fishing line in the water, Ed might seem like "a funny old duck," as my dad used to say. Or, "a guy that's a sandwich shy of a picnic," as my kids might say. To onlookers, he's just another old codger, lost in his own weird world, feeding the seagulls with a bucket full of shrimp. To the onlooker, rituals can look either very strange or very empty. They can seem altogether unimportant ....maybe even a lot of nonsense. Old folks often do strange things, at least in the eyes of Boomers and Busters.

Most of them would probably write Old Ed off, down there in Florida. That's too bad. They'd do well to know him better. His full name: Eddie Rickenbacker. He was a famous hero back in World War II. On one of his flying missions across the Pacific, he and his seven-member crew went down. Miraculously, all of the men survived, crawled out of their plane, and climbed into a life raft.

Captain Rickenbacker and his crew floated for days on the rough waters of the Pacific. They fought the sun. They fought sharks. Most of all, they fought hunger. By the eighth day their rations ran out. No food. No water. They were hundreds of miles from land and no one knew where they were. They needed a miracle. That afternoon they had a simple devotional service and prayed for a miracle. They tried to nap. Eddie leaned back and pulled his military cap over his nose. Time dragged. All he could hear was the slap of the waves against the raft.

Suddenly, Eddie felt something land on the top of his cap. It was a seagull! Old Ed would later describe how he sat perfectly still, planning his next move. With a flash of his hand and a squawk from the gull, he managed to grab it and wring its neck. He tore the feathers off, and he and his starving crew made a meal - a very slight meal for eight men - of it. Then they used the intestines for bait. With it, they caught fish, which gave them food and more bait......and the cycle continued. With that simple survival technique, they were able to endure the rigors of the sea until they were found and rescued. (after 24 days at sea...)

Eddie Rickenbacker lived many years beyond that ordeal, but he never forgot the sacrifice of that first lifesaving seagull. And he never stopped saying, "Thank you." That's why almost every Friday night he would walk to the end of the pier with a bucket f ull of shrimp and a heart full of gratitude.

(Max Lucado, In The Eye of the Storm, pp.221, 225-226)
PS: Eddie was also an Ace in WW I and started Eastern Airlines.

++++++++++++++++

Preacher's Donkey

A man bought a donkey from a preacher. The preacher told the man that this donkey had been trained in a very unique way (being the donkey of a preacher). The only way to make the donkey go was to say, "Hallelujah!"

The only way to make the donkey stop was to say, "Amen!"

The man was pleased with his purchase and immediately got on the animal to try out the preacher's instructions.

"Hallelujah!" shouted the man. The donkey began to trot. "Amen!" shouted the man. The donkey stopped immediately.

"This is great!" said the man. With a "Hallelujah" he rode off, very proud of his new purchase.

The man traveled for a long time through the mountains. As he headed towards a cliff, he tried to remember the word to make the donkey stop.

"Stop," said the man. "Halt!" he cried. The donkey just kept going.

"Oh, no..."

"Bible...Church!...Please! Stop!!" shouted the man. The donkey just began to trot faster. He was getting closer and closer to the edge of the cliff.

Finally, in desperation, the man said a prayer: "Please, dear Lord. Please make this donkey stop before I go off the end of this mountain. In Jesus' name, AMEN."

The donkey came to an abrupt stop just one step from the edge of the cliff.

"HALLELUJAH!" shouted the man.

Received from Lisa.

Brought to you by GCFL.net: The Good, Clean Funnies List
A cheerful heart is good medicine... (Prov 17:22a)
Mail address: GCFL, Box 100, Harvest, AL 35749, USA

Several good ones

Meeting With the Board
=======================

After a long, dry sermon, the minister announced that he wished to meet with the church board after the service.

The first man to arrive was a stranger.

"You misunderstood my announcement. This is a meeting of the board," said the minister.

"I know," said the man.

"If there is anyone here more bored than I am, I'd like to meet him."

+++++++++++++++++++++

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, playing golf - always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.

I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

Moral to this story: Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is the husband.

Another good thing to remember: When you are wrong admit it, when you are right, keep your mouth shut!

++++++++++++++++

COUNSELING - SOUTHERN STYLE

Earl and Bubba are quietly sitting in a boat fishing, chewing and drinking beer when suddenly Bubba says, "I think I'm gonna divorce my wife - she ain't spoke to me in over 2 months."

Earl spits, sips his beer and says, "Better think it over - - - -women like that are hard to find."

Sick Leave

I urgently needed a few days off work, But, I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave. I thought that maybe if I acted "Crazy" then he would tell me to take a few days off. So, I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises.

My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing.

I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb, so, that the Boss might think I was "Crazy" and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked, "What in the name of good GOD are you doing?"

I told him I was a light bulb.

He said, "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days."

I jumped down and walked out of the office...

When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her, "...And where do you think you're going?!"

(You're gonna love this....)

She said, "I'm going home too. I can't work in the dark.”

Thank you B. Farland for this great piece of humor!!

School Excuses

The following notes from parents excusing their children from attending school have been around a while but if you haven't seen them, I'm sure you will get a kick out of them:

"Please excuse Freddie from being away yesterday because he had the fuel."

"Please accuse Michael from being absent on January 30 because he was aleing."

"George was absent yesterday because of a sore trout."

"Please excuse Betsey from being absent. She was sick and I had her shot."

"Joseph has been absent becuz he had two teeth taken off his face."

"My son is under doctor's care and should not take fisical education. Please execute him."

"Please excuse Ralph from school on Friday. He had very loose vowels."

Brought to you by GCFL.net: The Good, Clean Funnies List
A cheerful heart is good medicine... (Prov 17:22a)
Mail address: GCFL, Box 100, Harvest, AL 35749, USA