Leaky Pipe

This will be the medical system response if abomanationcare is passed!!

A lady answered her front door to find a plumber standing there. "I'm here to fix the leaky pipe," he announced.

"I didn't call a plumber," said the lady.

"What?" huffed the plumber. "Aren't you Mrs. Frobisher?"

The Frobishers moved out of this house over a year ago," explained the lady.

"How do you like that," grunted the plumber. "They call you up and tell you it's an emergency and then they move away!"

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

Missionaries Bring Hope to India's Flood Victims - Gospel for Asia

The following web page is well worth reading. The need is beyond what most of us can comprehend.

Missionaries Bring Hope to India's Flood Victims - Gospel for Asia

Shared via AddThis

A nun in Hooters

A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while 'the lights would turn off.'

Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.

She walked up to the bartender, and asked, 'May I please use the restroom? The bartender replied, 'OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.' 'Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way,' said the nun.

So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause!

She went to the bartender and said, 'Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?' 'Well, now they know you're one of us,' said the bartender, 'Would you like a drink?'

'No thank you, but, I still don't understand,' said the puzzled nun. 'You see,' laughed the bartender, 'every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out..

Now, how about that drink?'

Walk-in Scream

A woman went to a walk-in clinic, where she was seen by a young, new doctor. After about three minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant.

She burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall.

An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him what had happened.

After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another exam room.

The doctor marched down the hallway back to where the first doctor was and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 59 years old, has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was PREGNANT?!"

The young doctor continued to write on his clipboard, and without looking up, asked, "Does she still have the hiccups?"

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

Failing Eyesight

An older lady was expecting a gentleman friend to call on her later in the day. She was nervous because her eyesight was failing and was afraid her friend might reject her because she was less than perfect. So, she came up with a plan to prove to him that she could see perfectly.

She put a straight pin in a tree that was about 200 feet from her front porch.

When her beau arrived, they sat in the porch swing and were talking when she suddenly stopped the conversation and asked, "Is that a pin sticking in that tree?"

Her friend squinted his eyes and said, "I don't see a thing."

"Well, I'm going to go see," she said as she jumped up, ran toward the tree, and collided with a cow.

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh



*Eye Laugh*

"Baby Shave"
http://www.cybersalt.org/go.php?id=cw33

Biblical knowledge without Agape Love

Christian Quotation of the Day

Monday, September 14, 2009

Feast of the Holy Cross

Meditation:
If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries
and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move
mountains, but have not love, I am nothing.
--1 Corinthians 13:2 (NIV)

_______________________________________________________________

Quotation:
Learned men and great scholars have devoted great effort
and prolonged study to the Holy Scriptures... employing the
gifts which God gives to every person who has the use of
reason. This knowledge is good... but it does not bring with it
any spiritual experience of God, for these graces are granted
only to those who have a great love for Him. This fountain of
love issues from our Lord alone, and no stranger may approach
it. But knowledge of this kind is common to good and bad alike,
since it can be acquired without love, ... and men of a worldly
life are sometimes more knowledgeable than many true Christians
although they do not possess this love. St. Paul describes this
kind of knowledge: "If I had full knowledge of all things and
knew all secrets, but had no love, I should be nothing." Some
people who possess this knowledge become proud and misuse it in
order to increase their personal reputation, worldly rank,
honours and riches, when they should use it humbly to the
praise of God and for the benefit of their fellow Christians in
true charity. St. Paul says of this kind of knowledge:
"Knowledge by itself stirs the heart with pride, but united to
love it turns to edification." By itself this knowledge is like
water, tasteless and cold. But if those who have it will offer
it humbly to our Lord and ask for His grace, He will turn the
water into wine with His blessing.
... Walter Hilton (1330?-1396), The Scale of Perfection
[early 15th century], tr. Lionel Digby Sherley-Price,
London: Penguin Books, 1957, p. 4
See the book at http://cqod.com/r/rs167

_______________________________________________________________

Quiet time reflection:
Lord, add love to my understanding of You.

_______________________________________________________________

CQOD Compilation Copyright 2009, Robert McAnally Adams, Curator
Sub to CQOD HTML: cqodh-subscribe@cqod.com

Grabber of the Impossible

Christian Quotation of the Day

Friday, September 4, 2009

Commemoration of Birinus, Bishop of Dorchester (Oxon),
Apostle of Wessex, 650

Meditation:
Great is the LORD, and most worthy of praise, in the city
of our God, his holy mountain.
--Psalm 48:1 (NIV)

_______________________________________________________________

Quotation:
I belong and will ever belong to "The Great God Party." I
will have nought to do with "The Little God Party..." Christ
wants not nibblers of the possible, but grabbers of the
impossible.
... C. T. Studd (1860-1931), C. T. Studd--Cricketer and
Pioneer [1933], Norman P. Grubb, Read Books, 2008, p.
164-165
See the book at http://cqod.com/r/rs158

_______________________________________________________________

Quiet time reflection:
Lord, embolden Your people.

_______________________________________________________________

CQOD Compilation Copyright 2009, Robert McAnally Adams, Curator
Sub to CQOD HTML: cqodh-subscribe@cqod.com
CQOD Home Page: http://www.cqod.com/

Evangelism: Trusting the Lifeboat

And he brought them out and said, "Sirs, what must I do to be saved?" So they said, "Believe on the Lord Jesus Christ, and you will be saved, you and your household." --Acts 16:30-31

Now, the matter of complete trust in the person of Christ.

No man has any hope for eternal salvation apart from trusting completely in Jesus Christ and His atonement for men. Simply stated, our Lord Jesus is the lifeboat and we must fully and truly be committed to trusting the lifeboat.

Again, our Lord and Savior is the rope by which it is possible to escape from the burning building. There is no doubt about it--either we trust that rope or we perish.

He is the wonder drug or medication that heals all ills and sicknesses--and if we refuse it, we die.

He is the bridge from hell to heaven--and we take the bridge and cross over by His grace or we stay in hell.

These are simple illustrations, but they get to the point of the necessity of complete trust in Jesus Christ--absolute trust in Him! Who Put Jesus on the Cross?, 52.

"Lord, help me to make this clear as I share the Gospel. So many seem to persist in wanting to trust Christ plus their own efforts. Thank You for this free gift of salvation. Amen."

---

Today's "Insight for Leaders" is taken by permission from the book, Tozer on Christian Leadership, published by WingSpread Publishers

Prescription Check

An old man strode in to his doctors office and said, "Doc, my druggist said to tell you to change my prescription and to check the prescription you've been giving to Mrs. Smith."

"Oh, he did, did he?" the doctor shot back. "And since when does a druggist second guess a doctor's orders?"

The old man says, "Since he found out I've been on birth control pills since February."

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

*Eye Laugh*

"Comedian Wannabe"
http://www.cybersalt.org/go.php?id=cw13

Tree Trouble

Unexpected cold snaps had destroyed the buds on my father's young peach tree for two years in a row. This spring, Dad was ready. He replanted the sapling in a large box, mounted it on wheels, and put the tree in the garage whenever the temperature dropped.

One warm April day, Dad was wheeling the tree out into the yard, and he stopped to give our dog a drink from the garden hose. A neighbor watched the scene with amusement. "Frank," he finally commented, "you're the only man I know who walks his tree and waters his dog!"

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

*Eye Laugh*

"Elephant Caddy"
http://www.cybersalt.org/go.php?id=cw12

Psalm 111

Praise for the LORD's Works

1 Hallelujah!
I will praise the LORD with all my heart
in the assembly of the upright and in the congregation.

2 The LORD's works are great,
studied by all who delight in them.

3 All that He does is splendid and majestic;
His righteousness endures forever.

4 He has caused His wonderful works to be remembered.
The LORD is gracious and compassionate.

5 He has provided food for those who fear Him;
He remembers His covenant forever.

6 He has shown His people the power of His works
by giving them the inheritance of the nations.

7 The works of His hands are truth and justice;
all His instructions are trustworthy.

8 They are established forever and ever,
enacted in truth and uprightness.

9 He has sent redemption to His people.
He has ordained His covenant forever.
His name is holy and awe-inspiring.

10 The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom;
all who follow His instructions have good insight.
His praise endures forever.

From the Holman Christian Standard Bible

Cell Phone Find

An employee of the airport found a cell phone in one of the boarding areas. She switched it on, hoping a caller would identify the owner. It rang, and she answered it, but there was no response. When it rang a second time, another female employee answered, and the same thing happened.

Moments later, a supervisor came by and picked up the ringing phone. "This is Bob. May I help you?"

"Bob," the bewildered woman caller finally spoke. "Where is Bill, and who are those two women he's with?"

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

*Eye Laugh*

"Japanese Proverb"
http://www.cybersalt.org/go.php?id=cw8

I met God in the morning

I met God in the morning
When my day was at its best.
His presence came like sunrise,
A Glory in my breast.

All day long the presence lingered.
All day long He stayed with me.
And we sailed in perfect calmness
O’er a very troubled sea.

So I think I know the secret,
Learned by many a troubled way.
You must seek Him in the morning
If you want Him through the day.

Author Unknown

Sermon Comment

After a very long and boring sermon the parishioners filed out of the church saying nothing to the preacher. Towards the end of the line was a thoughtful person who always commented on the sermons."Pastor, today your sermon reminded me of the peace and love of God." The pastor was thrilled. "Nobody has ever said anything like that about my preaching before. Tell me why." "Because it endured forever." *Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!* cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

The Beginning

When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the psychiatrist began his therapy session.

"I'm not aware of your problem," the doctor said. "So perhaps, you should start at the very beginning."

"Of course," replied the patient. "In the beginning, I created the heavens and the earth..."

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh



*Eye Laugh*

"Bad Day Convertible"
http://www.cybersalt.org/go.php?id=cw5

Meditation:

If there is no resurrection of the dead, then not even
Christ has been raised. And if Christ has not been raised, our
preaching is useless and so is your faith.
--1 Corinthians 15:13,14 (NIV)

_______________________________________________________________

Quotation:

If it be all for naught, for nothingness
At last, why does God make the world so fair?
Why spill this golden splendor out across
The western hills, and light the silver lamp
Of eve? Why give me eyes to see, and soul
To love so strong and deep? Then, with a pang
This brightness stabs me through, and wakes within
Rebellious voice to cry against all death?
Why set this hunger for eternity
To gnaw my heartstrings through, if death ends all?
If death ends all, then evil must be good,
Wrong must be right, and beauty ugliness.
God is a Judas who betrays His Son,
And with a kiss, damns all the world to hell,--
If Christ rose not again.

... Anonymous, Unknown soldier, killed in World War I,
included in Masterpieces of Religious Verse, James
Dalton Morrison, ed., New York: Harper & Bros., 1948,
p. 205
See the book at http://cqod.com/r/rs132

_______________________________________________________________

Quiet time reflection:
Lord, You vindicate Your creation.

ID Card

The day I immigrated to the United States, I was given an alien ID card that featured a cute photo of me at age 15. Years later, when I went to the courthouse to become a citizen, a clerk confiscated my card.

"What will you do with it?" my wife asked.

"We burn it" was the answer.

"Could you please cut the photo off and let us keep it?" asked my wife.

"Certainly not," said the clerk. "This card is official U.S. government property. As such it cannot be mutilated before it's destroyed."

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

Now a note from me: With the above noted bureaucratic nonsense think what government run health care will be like. "So you have a broken leg. Go home take two aspirin and come back in two months."



*Eye Laugh*

"South Driving School"
http://www.cybersalt.org/go.php?id=cw1

Collateral

Be sure to open the "Eye Laugh" at the end of the post! I accompanied my husband when he went to get a haircut. Reading a magazine, I found a hairstyle I liked for myself, and I asked the receptionist if I could take the magazine next door to make a copy of the photo. "Leave some ID, a driver's license or a credit card," she said. "But my husband is here getting a haircut," I explained. "Yes," she replied. "But I need something you'll come back for." *Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!* cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh *Eye Laugh* "Mom Sleigh" http://www.cybersalt.org/g07.php?id=146

God's Peace

Now the God of peace be with you all. — Romans 16:33

It is in the Lord Jesus Christ, and in Him alone, that we find the knowledge, the assurance, the certitude, which create true peace within us. He brings a revelation of the Divine which is marked by a clarity, a unity, an authority, and a finality, such as we find nowhere else. In Him we see and know and possess God. We have certitude about the Divine. The God revealed in Jesus Christ is such, in His holiness and love, that we may know for certain He will never mock us in our human littleness and weakness. He loves us too dearly. He has suffered to save us. To know God thus in Jesus Christ is the first step to a true peace.
But the Lord Jesus gives us equally clear intelligence and assurance about the Beyond, about the Future, and about the Present. As for the Beyond, which has ever been a vexed question in the human heart, He tells us of “the Father̓s House,” and assures His people that He goes to “prepare a place” for them. As for the Future, He promises, “I will come again and receive you unto Myself, that where I am there ye may bc also.” As for the Present, He covers all the waiting-time until His glorious reappearing by His gracious provision of the Holy Spirit, the Comforter of whom He says, “He shall abide with you”; “He shall be in you”; “He shall teach you”; He shall guide you.”
Dear Christian, these are the first things that belong to our peace. We must feed our hearts on the solid comfort of these glorious certainties which our Divine Lord gives to us. When we possess such assurance concerning God and the Beyond, and such a provision for the Future, ought not our peace, to be as a full, deep, smooth-flowing river?

– J. Sidlow Baxter From: “Climbing the Heights” Commpiled by Al Bryant, Page 226, Copyright 1956 by Zondervan Publishing House

THE TICKET

The other day I went downtown to run a few errands and stopped by the local coffee shop for a snack. I was only there for about 5 minutes, and when I came out, there was this cop writing out a parking ticket. I said to him, 'Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a break'?

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. His insensitivity annoyed me, so I called him a 'Nazi.' He glared at me and then wrote out another ticket for having worn tires. So I proceeded to call him a 'doughnut eating Gestapo.' He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.

Then he wrote a third ticket when I called him a ‘moron in blue’. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I talked back to him the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, I didn't really care. I came downtown on the bus, and the car that he was putting the tickets on had one of those bumper stickers that said, 'Obama '08.'

I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. The doctor tells me that it's important for my health.