Card Name

TODAY'S CLEAN LAUGH


Those of us who worked at the front desk of a convention hotel in Williamsburg, Va., prided ourselves on making the guests feel special. When someone arrived at reception, credit card in hand, we would sneak a peek at it and address him by name.

Once during a particularly busy check-in, one of our guests presented a corporate credit card. "Welcome to Williamsburg, Mr. Bell," the desk clerk said.

"Oh, please," the man replied, "call me Taco."

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

Service for One

TODAY'S CLEAN LAUGH

On Sunday, the new young pastor arrived at church and found only an old farmer had shown up.

After waiting a while, the disappointed the pastor remarked to the old farmer, "Well, it appears no one else is coming, so we should probably cancel service today"

The farmer, dressed in his Sunday best, looked at the young preacher and said, "Well pastor, I don't know much 'bout preachin', but I do know something bout farmin' and if I went out in the field and found only one cow, I'd still feed 'em"

This excited the young preacher who preached for the next 45 minutes a fierce fire and brimstone sermon. Afterwards the pastor asked the old farmer what he thought.

The old farmer remarked, "Well pastor, I don't know much bout preachin', but I do know somethin' 'bout farmin' and if I went out in the field and found only one cow, I wouldn't give 'em the whole bale."

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

Christian Quotation of the Day

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Meditation:
[Peter:] You know what has happened throughout Judea,
beginning in Galilee after the baptism that John preached--how
God anointed Jesus of Nazareth with the Holy Spirit and power,
and how he went around doing good and healing all who were
under the power of the devil, because God was with him.
--Acts 10:37,38 (NIV)

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Quotation:
When in hand-to-hand conflict with the world and the devil,
neat little Biblical confectionery is like shooting lions with
a pea-shooter; one needs a man who will let go and deliver
blows right and left as hard as he can hit, in the power of the
Holy Ghost... Nothing but forked-lightning Christians will
count.
... C. T. Studd (1860-1931), quoted in C. T. Studd--
Cricketer and Pioneer [1933], Norman P. Grubb, Read
Books, 2008, p. 163
See the book at http://cqod.com/r/rs105

Blond Joke

A blond is staying home with a head cold. She calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to asemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then .." He said with a deep sigh, . .. . ... . ..

"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."

A Sponge in the Sea

The following is from: The Thirsty Theologian

http://www.thirstytheologian.com/2009/07/07/a_sponge_in_the_sea.php

Now here is a concept that, obvious as it is, had never occurred to me: while God, in his omnipresence, fills all of creation, it is really creation that is contained by him. Charnock wrote:

“In him we live,” is to be understood, not of his power and goodness, perfections of his nature, distinguished according to our manner of conception from his essence, but of the essential presence of God with his creatures. If he had meant it of his efficiency in preserving us, it had not been any proof if his nearness to us. Who would go about to prove the body or sustenance of the sun to be near to us because it doth warm and enlighten us, when our sense evidenceth the distance of it? We live in the beams of the sun, but we cannot be said to live in the sun, which is so far distant from us. The expression seems to be more emphatical than to intend any less than his essential presence; but we live in him not only as the efficient cause of our life, but as the foundation sustaining our lives and motions, as if he were like air, diffused round about us; and we move in him . . . as a sponge in the sea, not containing him, but being contained by him. He compasseth all, is encompassed by none; he fills all, is comprehended by none. The Creator contains the world, the world contains not the Creator; as the hollow of the hand contains the water, the water in the hollow of the hand contains not the hand; and therefore some have chose to say, rather, that the world is in God, it lives and moves in him, than that God is in the world. If all things thus live and move in him, then he is present with everything that hath life and motion; and as long as the devils and damned have life, and motion, and being, so long is he with them; for whatsoever lives and moves, lives and moves in him.

—Stephen Charnock, The Existence and Attributes of God (Baker Books, 2005), 1:374–375

Suitor Approval

A good friend of mine warned me that, as my three daughters became old enough to date, I'd disapprove of every young man who took them out.

But when the time came, I was pleased that my friend's prediction was wrong. Each boy was pleasant and well mannered.

Talking to my daughter Joanna one day, I said that I liked all the young men she and her sisters brought home.

"You know, Dad," she replied, "we don't show you everybody."

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!* http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

Christian Quotation of the Day

Friday, July 3, 2009

Feast of Thomas the Apostle

Meditation:
In the beginning you laid the foundations of the earth,
and the heavens are the work of your hands.
They will perish, but you remain;
they will all wear out like a garment.
Like clothing you will change them
and they will be discarded.
--Psalm 102:25,26 (NIV)

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Quotation:
Long did I toil, and knew no earthly rest,
Far did I rove, and found no certain home;
At last I sought them in His sheltering breast,
Who opes His arms and bids the weary come:
With Him I found a home, a rest divine,
And I since then am His, and He is mine.

The good I have is from His stores supplied:
The ill is only what He deems the best.
He for my friend, I'm rich with naught beside;
And poor without Him, though of all possessed.
Changes may come--I take, or I resign
Content, while I am His, and He is mine.

Whate'er may change, in Him no change is seen,
A glorious Sun, that wanes not, nor declines;
Above the clouds and storms He walks serene,
And on His people's inward darkness shines;
All may depart--I fret not nor repine,
While I my Saviour's am, while He is mine.

While here, alas! I know but half His love,
But half discern Him, and but half adore;
But when I meet Him in the realms above,
I hope to love him better, praise Him more,
And feel, and tell, amid the choir divine,
How fully I am His, and He is mine.
... J. Quarles (1624-1665) & Henry F. Lyte (1793-1847),
Miscellaneous Poems, London: Rivingtons, 1868, p. 75
See the book at http://cqod.com/r/rs101

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Quiet time reflection:
Lord, may I wholly love and praise You.

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See the new CQOD Scripture Index
http://www.cqod.com/cqodscr0.htm

I Always Wondered About That

TODAY'S CLEAN LAUGH

During a summer break from my studies at an engineering university, I worked in a scrap yard repairing construction equipment. One afternoon, I was taking apart a piling hammer that had some very large bolts holding it together. One of the nuts had corroded onto the bolt, so I started heating the nut with an oxyacetylene torch. As I was doing this, one of the dimmest apprentices I have ever known came along and asked me what I was doing. I patiently explained that if I heated the nut, it would grow larger and release its grip on the bolt so I could then remove it.

"So things get larger when they get hot, do they?" he asked.

Suddenly, an idea flashed into my mind. "Yes," I said, "that's why days are longer in summer and shorter in winter."

There was a long pause, then his face cleared. "You know, I always wondered about that," he said.

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

And I might add: "They reproduce and vote!!!!!"

Tech Smoke

A guy rings tech support to report that his computer is faulty.

Tech: What's the problem?

User: There is smoke coming out of the power supply.

Tech: You'll need a new power supply.

User: No, I don't! I just need to change the startup files.

Tech: Sir, the power supply is faulty. You'll need to replace it.

User: No way! Someone told me that I just needed to change the startup files and it will fix the problem! All I need is for you to tell me the command.

Ten minutes later, the User is still adamant that they are right. The tech is frustrated and fed up.

Tech: Sorry, Sir. We don't normally tell our customers this, but there is an undocumented DOS command that will fix the problem.

User: I knew it!

Tech: Just add the line LOAD NOSMOKE.COM at the end of the CONFIG.SYS. Let me know how it goes.

Ten minutes later.

User: It didn't work. The power supply is still smoking.

Tech: Well, what version of DOS are you using?

User: MS-DOS 6.22.

Tech: That's your problem there. That version of DOS didn't come with NOSMOKE. Contact Microsoft and ask them for a patch that will give you the file. Let me know how it goes.

One hour later.

User: I need a new power supply.

Tech: How did you come to that conclusion?

User: Well, I rang Microsoft and told him about what you said, and he started asking questions about the make of power supply.

Tech: Then what did he say?

User: He told me that my power supply isn't compatible with NOSMOKE

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

The Wicker Basket

The story is told of an old man who lived on a farm in the
mountains of eastern Kentucky with his young grandson.
Each morning, Grandpa was up early sitting at the kitchen
table reading from his old worn-out Bible. His grandson
who wanted to be just like him tried to imitate him in any way
he could.

One day the grandson asked, 'Papa, I try to read the Bible
just like you but I don't understand it, and what I do
understand I forget as soon as I close the book. What good
does reading the Bible do?' The Grandfather quietly turned
from putting coal in the stove and said, 'Take this old
wicker coal basket down to the river and bring back a
basket of water.'

The boy did as he was told, even though all the water
leaked out be fore he could get back to the house. The
grandfather laughed and said, 'You will have to move a little
faster next time,' and sent him back to the river with the
basket to try again. This time the boy ran faster, but again
the old wicker basket was empty before he returned home.
out of breath, he told his grandfather th at it was 'impossible
to carry water in a basket,' and he went to get a bucket instead.
The old man said, 'I don't want a bucket of water; I want a
basket of water. You can do this. You're just not trying hard
enough,' and he went out the door to watch the boy try again.

At this point, the boy knew it was impossible, but he wanted
to show his grandfather that even if he ran as fast as he could,
the water would leak out before he got far at all. The boy
scooped the water and ran hard, but when he reached his
grandfather the basket was again empty. Out of breath, he said,
'See Papa, it's useless!'

'So you think it is useless?' The old man said, 'Look at the basket.'

The boy looked at the basket and for the first time he realized
that the basket looked different. Instead of a dirty old wicker
coal basket, it was clean.

'Son, that's what happens when you read the Bible. You might not
understand or remember everything, but when you read it, it will
change you from the inside out.'

Moral of the wicker basket story: Take time to read a portion of
God's word each day; it will affect you for good even if you don't
retain a word.

Thought for Today: Gods Love is like the ocean, you can see its
beginnings but not its end.

I really like this story because I don't retain things too well
anymore...old age may have something to do with it but I
just figure my brain just gets overloaded! God isn't concerned
about your brain anyway, He's more concerned about your heart.

Coldness Toward Spouse

This Week's Funny

An old man was lying on his deathbed. He had only hours to live when he suddenly smelled chocolate chip cookies. He loved chocolate chip cookies more than anything in the world.

With his last bit of energy he pulled himself out of bed, struggled across the floor to the stairs, and headed down the stairs into the kitchen. There his wife was baking those aromatic cookies.

As he reached for one—SMACK! He felt a slap across the back of his hand. His wife scolded, "Leave those alone; they're for the funeral!"

—Earliest known source: Tamara Norden, Shorewood, WI, on Prairie Home Companion web site, Fifth Annual Joke Show, (4-1-00); submitted by Brett Kays

Visit PreachingToday.com for more illustrations and preaching resources.

Shopping Plan

TODAY'S CLEAN LAUGH


In the frozen foods department of our local grocery store, I noticed a man shopping with his son.

As I walked by, he checked something off his list, and I heard him whisper conspiratorially to the child;

"You know, if we really mess this up, we'll never have to do it again."

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

Preacher's Best Years

This is an old joke but one of the best Preacher jokes ever!

TODAY'S CLEAN LAUGH

A preacher, who shall we say was "humor impaired," attended a conference to help encourage and better equip pastors for their ministry.

Among the speakers were many well known and dynamic speakers. One such boldly approached the pulpit and, gathering the entire crowd's attention, said, "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman that wasn't my wife!" The crowd was shocked! He followed up by saying, "And that woman was my mother!"

The crowd burst into laughter and delivered the rest of his talk, which went over quite well.

The next week, the pastor decided he'd give this humor thing a try, and use that joke in his sermon. As he surely approached the pulpit that sunny Sunday, he tried to rehearse the joke in his head. It suddenly seemed a bit foggy to him.

Getting to the microphone he said loudly, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of another woman that was not my wife!"

The congregation inhaled half the air in the room.

After standing there for almost 10 seconds in the stunned silence, trying to recall the second half of the joke, the pastor finally blurted out, "...and I can't remember who she was!"

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

Rewiring

TODAY'S CLEAN LAUGH

Because our former small-town parish was not a wealthy one, our pastor was dependent on parishioners for upkeep and maintenance of the church.

Once he asked my husband, Sam, to rewire the confessionals. The only way to reach the wiring was to enter the attic above the altar and crawl over the ceiling by balancing on the rafters.

Concerned for my husband's safety, I waited in a pew.

Unbeknownst to me, some parishioners were congregating in the vestibule. They paid little attention to me, probably assuming I was praying.

Worried about my husband, I looked up toward the ceiling and yelled, "Sam, Sam, are you up there? Did you make it okay?"

There was quite an outburst from the vestibule when Sam's hearty voice echoed down, "Yes, I made it up here just fine!"

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

Now is Passing

From one of Albert Eienstein Books

While people keep waiting and waiting for something big to happen in life, the “now” is passing them by. Do you know how fast a “now” passes? At the rate of 186,000 miles per second, the speed of light. So no matter how much you love and enjoy a particular “now”, that's how fast it becomes a “was”. That “now” is never coming back, and that “was” turns into some”going to be”. So if you don̓?t learn from the “was's”, you're going to have bad “going to be's”. Which completes the cycle by bringing in had “now's”. Thus, the only time you can switch around from a negative to a postive is in the “now”. Because you have to do it now. You can't just think of doing it now because it rapidly becomes a “was” and it's too late. And “going to be”,is you may do it and you may not. So if you do it now, you know it's done and you've got it. If you have a good “now”, you have a good “was”, which leads to a good “going to be”. In other words, by taking advantage of a “now”, you have a good “was”, from which you can learn and change your whole cycle of life.
That's why I never used the word “if” anymore, because an "if" is a never “was”.

Hermanu Minkowski
Physics Teacher

TODAY'S CLEAN LAUGH

If you are an animal lover please visit the link at the bottom of the post. *Hand Dryers* My pastor friend put sanitary hot air hand dryers in the rest rooms at his church and after two weeks took them out. I asked him why and he confessed that they worked fine but when he went in there he saw a sign that read, "For a sample of this week's sermon, push the button." *Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!* http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

EYE LAUGH "Cat and Dog Agents" http://www.cybersalt.org/g06.php?id=120

Masquerade of Innocence

This Week's Funny

A woman was working one night in a Honeybaked Ham store. The store was equipped with security cameras, and she was watching the small, black-and-white monitors when she saw a woman come in the store, walk down the handicapped ramp, and go between two shelves. To the clerk's amazement, this woman grabbed a ham off the shelf and stuffed it up her dress. With the ham wedged between her thighs, the woman waddled toward the door.

The clerk was stunned and wondered what she should do. Should she yell out? Follow the woman?

Just then, the ham dropped out from between the woman's legs. It hit the metal handicapped ramp with a loud bang, and then rolled and clanged to the bottom.

The thief didn't miss a beat. She quickly turned her head and yelled out, "Who threw that ham at me? Who threw that ham at me?" Then she ran out of the store.

—Kevin A. Miller, vice president, Christianity Today International

Visit PreachingToday.com for more illustrations and preaching resources.

Cat Sitting

One night while I was cat-sitting my daughter's indoor feline, it escaped outside. When it failed to return the following morning, I found the beast clinging to a branch about 30 feet up in a spindly tree. Unable to lure it down, I called the fire department.

"We don't do that anymore," the woman dispatcher said. When I persisted, she was polite but firm. "The cat will come down when it gets hungry enough."

"How do you know that?" I asked.

"Have you ever seen a cat skeleton in a tree?" she said.

Two hours later the cat was back, looking for breakfast.

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

Three-Year Argument

The monks at a remote monastery deep in the woods followed a rigid vow of silence. Their vow could only be broken once a year—on Christmas—by one monk. That monk could speak only one sentence. One Christmas, Brother Thomas had his turn to speak and said, "I love the delightful mashed potatoes we have every year with the Christmas roast!" Then he sat down. Silence ensued for 365 days.

The next Christmas, Brother Michael got his turn and said, "I think the mashed potatoes are lumpy, and I truly despise them!" Once again, silence ensued for 365 days.

The following Christmas, Brother Paul rose and said, "I am fed up with this constant bickering!"

—Strive to Humor daily e-mail list (12-19-01); submitted by Doug Diehl, San Antonio, Texas

Visit PreachingToday.com for more illustrations and preaching resources

Meditation:

The people walking in darkness have seen a great light; on
those living in the land of the shadow of death a light has
dawned.
-- Isaiah 9:2 (NIV)

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Quotation:
Visit, I beseech thee, O Lord, this habitation with thy
mercy, and me with thy grace and salvation. Let thy holy
angels pitch their tents round about and dwell here, that no
illusion of the night may abuse me, the spirits of darkness
may not come near to hurt me, no evil or sad accident oppress
me; and let the eternal Spirit of the Father dwell in my soul
and body, filling every corner of my heart with light and
grace. Let no deed of darkness overtake me; and let thy
blessing, most blessed God, be upon me for ever, through Jesus
Christ our Lord. Amen.
... Jeremy Taylor (1613-1667), Holy Living [1650]
See the book at http://cqod.com/r/rs074