They say that a preacher's wife is always his number one assistant.
An example of this comes one Sunday morning after the preacher had just finished his sermon. He went and sat down with his wife and she asked him how he thought the church service went.
The Preacher shrugged and said, "The worship was excellent, and I think the prayer and communion times went quite well, but," he continued, "I just don't think the sermon ever got off the ground."
The wife looked over at him, and before she could stop herself, she said, "Well, it sure did taxi long enough!"
*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh
Friday, June 03, 2011
Friday, May 27, 2011
Albert Einstein
Albert Einstein noted, "The scientist is possessed by the sense of universal causation. . . His religious feeling takes the form of a rapturous amazement at the harmony of natural law, which reveals an intelligence of such superiority that, compared with it, all the systematic thinking and acting of human beings is an utterly insignificant reflection."
The above is from the Blog by Dr. James C. Denison on his May 27 issue:
http://www.godissues.org/if-earth-were-the-size-of-a-pea
The above is from the Blog by Dr. James C. Denison on his May 27 issue:
http://www.godissues.org/if-earth-were-the-size-of-a-pea
QUOTE OF THE DECADE
Some people have the vocabulary to sum up things in a way you can understand them. This quote came from the Czech Republic . Someone over there has it figured out. We have a lot of work to do.
"The danger to America is not Barack Obama but a citizenry capable of entrusting an inexperienced man like him with the Presidency. It will be far easier to limit and undo the follies of an Obama presidency than to restore the necessary common sense and good judgment to a depraved electorate willing to have such a man for their president. The problem is much deeper and far more serious than Mr. Obama, who is a mere symptom of what ails America . Blaming the prince of the fools should not blind anyone to the vast confederacy of fools that made him their prince. The Republic can survive a Barack Obama. It is less likely to survive a multitude of fools such as those who made him their president."
"The danger to America is not Barack Obama but a citizenry capable of entrusting an inexperienced man like him with the Presidency. It will be far easier to limit and undo the follies of an Obama presidency than to restore the necessary common sense and good judgment to a depraved electorate willing to have such a man for their president. The problem is much deeper and far more serious than Mr. Obama, who is a mere symptom of what ails America . Blaming the prince of the fools should not blind anyone to the vast confederacy of fools that made him their prince. The Republic can survive a Barack Obama. It is less likely to survive a multitude of fools such as those who made him their president."
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Putting the Cat Out
A couple is going out for an evening on the town.
When they are almost ready to go, the wife tells her husband not to forget to put out the cat. However, after a Taxi arrives and as they go out the door the cat darts back in the house.
Not wanting the cat shut in the house while they are out the husband goes back in to get the cat as the wife goes and gets in the cab.
The wife not wanting it known that the house will be empty while they are out explains to the cab driver, "He is just going upstairs to say good-bye to mother."
A short time later the husband comes down and gets in the cab. He says, "Sorry it took so long but the stupid old thing was under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger!"
*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh
When they are almost ready to go, the wife tells her husband not to forget to put out the cat. However, after a Taxi arrives and as they go out the door the cat darts back in the house.
Not wanting the cat shut in the house while they are out the husband goes back in to get the cat as the wife goes and gets in the cab.
The wife not wanting it known that the house will be empty while they are out explains to the cab driver, "He is just going upstairs to say good-bye to mother."
A short time later the husband comes down and gets in the cab. He says, "Sorry it took so long but the stupid old thing was under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger!"
*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh
Monday, April 25, 2011
Beware of Dog
Upon entering a little country store, the stranger noticed a sign saying "DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG!" posted on the door glass.
Inside, he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor near the cash register.
He asked the store's owner "Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?"
"Yep," the proprietor answered, "That's him."
The stranger couldn't help being amused. "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me," he chuckled. "Why in the world did you decide to post that sign?"
"Because," the owner replied, "before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."
*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh
Inside, he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor near the cash register.
He asked the store's owner "Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?"
"Yep," the proprietor answered, "That's him."
The stranger couldn't help being amused. "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me," he chuckled. "Why in the world did you decide to post that sign?"
"Because," the owner replied, "before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."
*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh
Friday, April 22, 2011
LOST CHURCHES OF LOUISIANA
The hurricane that hit the Gulf Coast of our nation was devastating. It did not spare the houses of worship in and around the area.
One of the local television stations in South Louisiana aired an interview with a black woman from New Orleans .
The interviewer was a woman from a Boston affiliate. She asked the black woman how such total and complete devastation of the churches in the area had affected their lives.
Without hesitation, the woman replied,' I don't know about all those other peoples, but we haven't gone to Churches in years. We gits our chicken from Popeye's'.
The look on the interviewer's face was priceless.
One of the local television stations in South Louisiana aired an interview with a black woman from New Orleans .
The interviewer was a woman from a Boston affiliate. She asked the black woman how such total and complete devastation of the churches in the area had affected their lives.
Without hesitation, the woman replied,' I don't know about all those other peoples, but we haven't gone to Churches in years. We gits our chicken from Popeye's'.
The look on the interviewer's face was priceless.
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Lost In Canada
An American and his wife were driving in Canada and got lost.
Finally they came into some city. They saw a gentleman on the sidewalk, so the gentleman pulled up to the curb, and the lady let down her window and asked: "Excuse me, sir. Where are we?"
The gentleman on the street replied, "Saskatoon, Saskatchewan."
The lady rolled up the window, turned to her husband and said,
"We really are lost. They don't even speak English here!"
*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh
Finally they came into some city. They saw a gentleman on the sidewalk, so the gentleman pulled up to the curb, and the lady let down her window and asked: "Excuse me, sir. Where are we?"
The gentleman on the street replied, "Saskatoon, Saskatchewan."
The lady rolled up the window, turned to her husband and said,
"We really are lost. They don't even speak English here!"
*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Work Virus
There is a new virus going around, called "work". If you receive any sort of "work" at all, whether via email, internet or simply handed to you by a colleague...DO NOT OPEN IT.
Work has been circulating around our building for months and those who have been tempted to open "work" or even look at "work" have found that their social life is deleted and their brain ceases to function properly.
If you do encounter "work" via email or are faced with any "work" at all, to purge the virus, send an email to your boss with the words "Sorry...I'm off to Home Depot." The "work" should then be automatically deleted from your brain.
If you receive "work" in paper-document form, simply lift the document and drag the "work" to your garbage can. Put on your coat and skip to the nearest cafe with two friends and order three double chocolate espressos. After repeating this action 10 times, you will find that "work" will no longer be of any relevance to you.
*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh
Work has been circulating around our building for months and those who have been tempted to open "work" or even look at "work" have found that their social life is deleted and their brain ceases to function properly.
If you do encounter "work" via email or are faced with any "work" at all, to purge the virus, send an email to your boss with the words "Sorry...I'm off to Home Depot." The "work" should then be automatically deleted from your brain.
If you receive "work" in paper-document form, simply lift the document and drag the "work" to your garbage can. Put on your coat and skip to the nearest cafe with two friends and order three double chocolate espressos. After repeating this action 10 times, you will find that "work" will no longer be of any relevance to you.
*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Nervous Bride
Apparently this is a true story.
A woman in her forties got married but was bit nervous about her honeymoon. The people in the church wanted to encourage her by sending a telegram with a verse of Scripture: 1 John 4:18 ("There is no fear in love, but perfect fear casts out all fear")
But someone omitted, by mistake, the 1 before John and the telegram just read: John 4:18. ("The fact is, you have had five husbands, and the man you now have is not your husband. What you have just said is quite true.)"
*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh
A woman in her forties got married but was bit nervous about her honeymoon. The people in the church wanted to encourage her by sending a telegram with a verse of Scripture: 1 John 4:18 ("There is no fear in love, but perfect fear casts out all fear")
But someone omitted, by mistake, the 1 before John and the telegram just read: John 4:18. ("The fact is, you have had five husbands, and the man you now have is not your husband. What you have just said is quite true.)"
*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh
Monday, December 27, 2010
Who Gets the Dog?
A clergyman was walking down the street when he came upon a group of about a dozen boys, all of them between 10 and 12 years of age.
The group surrounded a dog. Concerned lest the boys were hurting the dog, he went over and asked "What are you doing with that dog?"
One of the boys replied, "This dog is just an old neighborhood stray. We all want him, but only one of us can take him home. So we've decided that whichever one of us can tell the biggest lie will get to keep the dog."
Of course, the reverend was taken aback. "You boys shouldn't be having a contest telling lies!" he exclaimed. He then launched into a ten minute sermon against lying, beginning, "Don't you boys know it's a sin to lie," and ending with, "Why, when I was your age, I never told a lie."
There was dead silence for about a minute. Just as the reverend was beginning to think he'd gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh and said, "All right, give him the dog."
*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh
The group surrounded a dog. Concerned lest the boys were hurting the dog, he went over and asked "What are you doing with that dog?"
One of the boys replied, "This dog is just an old neighborhood stray. We all want him, but only one of us can take him home. So we've decided that whichever one of us can tell the biggest lie will get to keep the dog."
Of course, the reverend was taken aback. "You boys shouldn't be having a contest telling lies!" he exclaimed. He then launched into a ten minute sermon against lying, beginning, "Don't you boys know it's a sin to lie," and ending with, "Why, when I was your age, I never told a lie."
There was dead silence for about a minute. Just as the reverend was beginning to think he'd gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh and said, "All right, give him the dog."
*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh
Friday, October 22, 2010
October: Failure and Success
No man is worthy to succeed until he is willing to fail. No man is morally worthy of success in religious activities until he is willing that the honor of succeeding should go to another if God so wills.
Born After Midnight, 58.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
October 22
Failure and Success: Our God is Too Small
Oh, magnify the Lord with me, and let us exalt His name together. --Psalm 34:3
I am positively sure after many years of observation and prayer that the basis of all of our trouble today, in religious circles, is that our God is too small.
When he says magnify the Lord, he doesn't mean that you are to make God big, but you are to see Him big. When we take a telescope and look at a star, we don't make the star bigger, we only see it big. Likewise you cannot make God bigger, but you are only to see Him bigger....
My brethren, God calls us to magnify Him, to see Him big. A meeting is not big because a lot of people are present. A meeting is big because a number of people see a big God in the meeting. And the bigger God is seen, the greater the meeting. A friend of mine has a little saying, 'I would rather have a big, little meeting than a little, big meeting.' There are a lot of big meetings that are little because the God in them is a small God. And there are a lot of little meetings that are big because God is big in the midst of them....
That is the first thing--magnify God. Your ministry will be little, and you will live and die little unless you have a bigger God. Success and the Christian, 36-37,40
"Lord, help me always to not only be satisfied with, but in fact to strive for, that 'big, little meeting' rather than a 'little, big meeting.' Amen."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Today's "Insight for Leaders" is taken by permission from the book, Tozer on Christian Leadership, published by WingSpread Publishers
Born After Midnight, 58.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
October 22
Failure and Success: Our God is Too Small
Oh, magnify the Lord with me, and let us exalt His name together. --Psalm 34:3
I am positively sure after many years of observation and prayer that the basis of all of our trouble today, in religious circles, is that our God is too small.
When he says magnify the Lord, he doesn't mean that you are to make God big, but you are to see Him big. When we take a telescope and look at a star, we don't make the star bigger, we only see it big. Likewise you cannot make God bigger, but you are only to see Him bigger....
My brethren, God calls us to magnify Him, to see Him big. A meeting is not big because a lot of people are present. A meeting is big because a number of people see a big God in the meeting. And the bigger God is seen, the greater the meeting. A friend of mine has a little saying, 'I would rather have a big, little meeting than a little, big meeting.' There are a lot of big meetings that are little because the God in them is a small God. And there are a lot of little meetings that are big because God is big in the midst of them....
That is the first thing--magnify God. Your ministry will be little, and you will live and die little unless you have a bigger God. Success and the Christian, 36-37,40
"Lord, help me always to not only be satisfied with, but in fact to strive for, that 'big, little meeting' rather than a 'little, big meeting.' Amen."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Today's "Insight for Leaders" is taken by permission from the book, Tozer on Christian Leadership, published by WingSpread Publishers
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Spurgeon October 12, Evening
“The (Comforter], the Holy Spirit.” — John 14:26
HIS age - is peculiarly the dispensation of the Holy Spirit, in which Jesus cheers us, not by His personal presence, as He shall do by-and-by, but by the indwelling and constant abiding of the Holy Spirit, who is forever the Comforter of the church. It is His office to console the hearts of God̓s people. He convinces of sin; He illuminates and instructs; but still the main part of His work lies in making glad the hearts of the renewed, in confirming the weak, and lifting up all those that are bowed down. He does this by revealing Jesus to them. The Holy Spirit consoles, but Christ is the consolation. If we may use the figure, the Holy Spirit is the Physician, but Jesus is the medicine. He heals the wound, but it is by applying the holy ointment of Christ̓s name and grace. He does not take of His own things, but of the things of Christ. So if we give to the Holy Spirit the Greek name of Paraclete, as we sometimes do, then our heart confers on our blessed Lord Jesus the title of Paraclesis. If the one is the Comforter, the other is the Comfort. Now, with such rich provision for his need, why should the Christian be sad and hopeless? The Holy Spirit has graciously engaged to be your Comforter: do you imagine, 0 you weak and trembling believer, that He will be negligent of His sacred trust? Can you suppose that He has undertaken what He cannot or will not perform? If it is His special work to strengthen you, and to comfort you, do you suppose He has forgotten His business, or that He will fail in the loving office which He sustains towards you? No, don̓t think so harshly of the tender and blessed Spirit whose name is “the Comforter.” He is pleased to provide the oil of joy for mourning, and the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness. Trust in Him, and He will surely comfort you until the house of mourning is closed forever, and the marriage feast has begun.
From: Morning and Evening, by Charles H. Spurgeon Page 573
HIS age - is peculiarly the dispensation of the Holy Spirit, in which Jesus cheers us, not by His personal presence, as He shall do by-and-by, but by the indwelling and constant abiding of the Holy Spirit, who is forever the Comforter of the church. It is His office to console the hearts of God̓s people. He convinces of sin; He illuminates and instructs; but still the main part of His work lies in making glad the hearts of the renewed, in confirming the weak, and lifting up all those that are bowed down. He does this by revealing Jesus to them. The Holy Spirit consoles, but Christ is the consolation. If we may use the figure, the Holy Spirit is the Physician, but Jesus is the medicine. He heals the wound, but it is by applying the holy ointment of Christ̓s name and grace. He does not take of His own things, but of the things of Christ. So if we give to the Holy Spirit the Greek name of Paraclete, as we sometimes do, then our heart confers on our blessed Lord Jesus the title of Paraclesis. If the one is the Comforter, the other is the Comfort. Now, with such rich provision for his need, why should the Christian be sad and hopeless? The Holy Spirit has graciously engaged to be your Comforter: do you imagine, 0 you weak and trembling believer, that He will be negligent of His sacred trust? Can you suppose that He has undertaken what He cannot or will not perform? If it is His special work to strengthen you, and to comfort you, do you suppose He has forgotten His business, or that He will fail in the loving office which He sustains towards you? No, don̓t think so harshly of the tender and blessed Spirit whose name is “the Comforter.” He is pleased to provide the oil of joy for mourning, and the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness. Trust in Him, and He will surely comfort you until the house of mourning is closed forever, and the marriage feast has begun.
From: Morning and Evening, by Charles H. Spurgeon Page 573
Monday, October 11, 2010
Watchman Nee
The following is from: http://www.godissues.org/how-to-be-empowered-by-god/
How to be empowered by God
Oct 10th, 2010 in Jim's Blog by Jim Denison
2 Comments Comments
Watchman Nee
Watchman Nee
I am speaking tomorrow morning in chapel at Dallas Baptist University. In looking over my notes tonight, I felt moved to share with you a quotation with which I’ll close the message. It comes from Watchman Nee, the remarkable Chinese theologian. Nee planted churches across China for 30 years, then spent the last 20 years of his life imprisoned for his faith. His example makes powerful this exhortation:
“A day must come in our lives, as definite as the day of our conversion, when we give up all right to ourselves and submit to the absolute Lordship of Jesus Christ…There must be a day when, without reservation, we surrender everything to Him—ourselves, our families, our possessions, our business and our time. All we are and have becomes His, to be held henceforth entirely at His disposal. From that day we are no longer our own masters, but only stewards.
“Not until the Lordship of Jesus Christ is a settled thing in our hearts can the Holy Spirit really operate effectively in us. He cannot direct our lives until all control of them is committed to Him. If we do not give Him absolute authority in our lives, He can be present, but He cannot be powerful. The power of the Spirit is stayed” (The Norman Christian Life, 134-5).
Has this day come yet for you?
How to be empowered by God
Oct 10th, 2010 in Jim's Blog by Jim Denison
2 Comments Comments
Watchman Nee
Watchman Nee
I am speaking tomorrow morning in chapel at Dallas Baptist University. In looking over my notes tonight, I felt moved to share with you a quotation with which I’ll close the message. It comes from Watchman Nee, the remarkable Chinese theologian. Nee planted churches across China for 30 years, then spent the last 20 years of his life imprisoned for his faith. His example makes powerful this exhortation:
“A day must come in our lives, as definite as the day of our conversion, when we give up all right to ourselves and submit to the absolute Lordship of Jesus Christ…There must be a day when, without reservation, we surrender everything to Him—ourselves, our families, our possessions, our business and our time. All we are and have becomes His, to be held henceforth entirely at His disposal. From that day we are no longer our own masters, but only stewards.
“Not until the Lordship of Jesus Christ is a settled thing in our hearts can the Holy Spirit really operate effectively in us. He cannot direct our lives until all control of them is committed to Him. If we do not give Him absolute authority in our lives, He can be present, but He cannot be powerful. The power of the Spirit is stayed” (The Norman Christian Life, 134-5).
Has this day come yet for you?
Friday, October 08, 2010
Saturday, October 02, 2010
Failure and Success: If a Man Falls
October: Failure and Success
No man is worthy to succeed until he is willing to fail. No man is morally worthy of success in religious activities until he is willing that the honor of succeeding should go to another if God so wills.
Born After Midnight, 58.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
October 2
Failure and Success: If a Man Falls
If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. --1 John 1:9
Next, are you allowing Satan to magnify the memories of your spiritual failures? He will always keep them before you unless you take your stand and move up in faith.
The devil will whisper, "You didn't get very far along toward the deeper life, did you?"
He will say, "You made a big 'to-do' about wanting to be filled with the Spirit and you really flopped, didn't you?"
He will taunt you with the fact that you may have stumbled in the faith--and perhaps more than once! The devil wants you to live in a state of discouraged chagrin and remorse.
Remember, the Bible does not teach that if a man falls down, he can never rise again. The fact that he falls is not the most important thing--but rather that he is forgiven and allows God to lift him up! I Talk Back to the Devil, p. 7
"Father, I worship You this morning and thank You for the wonderful truth of 1 John 1:9. Amen."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Today's "Insight for Leaders" is taken by permission from the book, Tozer on Christian Leadership, published by WingSpread Publishers
No man is worthy to succeed until he is willing to fail. No man is morally worthy of success in religious activities until he is willing that the honor of succeeding should go to another if God so wills.
Born After Midnight, 58.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
October 2
Failure and Success: If a Man Falls
If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. --1 John 1:9
Next, are you allowing Satan to magnify the memories of your spiritual failures? He will always keep them before you unless you take your stand and move up in faith.
The devil will whisper, "You didn't get very far along toward the deeper life, did you?"
He will say, "You made a big 'to-do' about wanting to be filled with the Spirit and you really flopped, didn't you?"
He will taunt you with the fact that you may have stumbled in the faith--and perhaps more than once! The devil wants you to live in a state of discouraged chagrin and remorse.
Remember, the Bible does not teach that if a man falls down, he can never rise again. The fact that he falls is not the most important thing--but rather that he is forgiven and allows God to lift him up! I Talk Back to the Devil, p. 7
"Father, I worship You this morning and thank You for the wonderful truth of 1 John 1:9. Amen."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Today's "Insight for Leaders" is taken by permission from the book, Tozer on Christian Leadership, published by WingSpread Publishers
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