Bubba had shingles.

Those of us who spend much time in a doctor's office should appreciate this! Doesn't it seem more and more that physicians are running their practices like an assembly line?
Here's what happened to Bubba:

Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Bubba said: 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba what he had.
Bubba said, 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, 'Shingles..' So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and found Bubba sitting patiently in the nude and asked Bubba what he had.

Bubba said, 'Shingles.' The doctor asked, 'Where?'
Bubba said, 'Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em??'
1.

Pants Dilemma

A young man came home from the office and found his bride sobbing convulsively. "I feel terrible," she told him. "I was pressing your suit and I burned a big hole in the seat of your trousers."

"Forget it," consoled her husband. "Remember that I've got an extra pair of pants for that suit."

"Yes,and it's lucky you have," said the woman, drying her eyes. "I used them to patch the hole."

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

The Holy Spirit: Confirming Signs

And they went out and preached everywhere, the Lord working with them and confirming the word through the accompanying signs. --Mark 16:20

Such words as these in the second chapter of Hebrews stand as a rebuke to the unbelieving Christians of our day: "God also bearing them witness, both with signs and wonders, and with divers miracles, and gifts of the Holy Ghost, according to his own will." A cold Church is forced to "interpret" such language. She cannot enter into it, so she explains it away. Not a little juggling is required, and not a few statements for which there is not scriptural authority, but anything will do to save face and justify our half-dead condition. Such defensive exegesis is but a refuge for unbelieving orthodoxy, a hiding place for a Church too weak to stand.

No one with a knowledge of the facts can deny the need for supernatural aid in the work of world evangelization. We are so hopelessly outclassed by the world's superior strength that for us it means either God's help or sure defeat. The Christian who goes out without faith in "wonders" will return without fruit. No one dare be so rash as to seek to do impossible things unless he has first been empowered by the God of the impossible. "The power of the Lord was there" is our guarantee of victory. Paths to Power, 12-13.

"May the power of the Lord be with me in my ministry today, so that I might not be 'outclassed by the world's superior strength.' Amen."

The Holy Spirit: Wild-eyed Fanatics

Do not quench the Spirit. Do not despise prophecies. Test all things; hold fast what is good. --1 Thessalonians 5:19-21

This is a crude illustration, but let me tell you what we did after planting a field of corn when I was a young fellow in Pennsylvania. To save the field of corn from the crows, we would shoot an old crow and hang him by his heels in the middle of the field. This was supposed to scare off all of the crows for miles around. The crows would hold a conference and say, "Look, there is a field of corn but don't go near it. I saw a dead crow over there!"

That's the kind of conference that Satan calls, and that is exactly what he has done. He has taken some fanatical, weird, wild-eyed Christians who do things that they shouldn't, and he has stationed them in the middle of God's cornfield, and warns, "Now, don't you go near that doctrine about the Holy Spirit because if you do, you will act just like these wild-eyed fanatics." The Counselor, 63.

"Keep us, Lord, from shying away from such valuable truth and experience as the ministry of the Holy Spirit because of the excesses of a few fanatics. We lose too much, and we can't afford the loss. Amen."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Today's "Insight for Leaders" is taken by permission from the book, Tozer on Christian Leadership, published by WingSpread Publishers

No comment necessary!!

The Bridge Builder

An old man, going on a lonely way,
Came at the evening cold and gray,
To a chasm vast and deep and wide
The old man crossed in the twilight dim,
The \sullen stream had no fear for him;
But he turned when safe on the other side
And built a bridge to span the tide.
“Old man,” said a fellow pilgrim near,
“You are wasting your strength with building here
Your journey will end with the ending day,
You never again will pass this way;
You’ve crossed the chasm deep and wide,
Why build a bridge to span the tide?”
The builder lifted his old gray head—
“Good friend, in the path I have come,” He said,
“There followeth after me today
A youth whose feet must pass this way,
This chasm that has been naught to me,
To the fair-haired youth may a pitfall be;
He, too, must cross in the twilight dim;
Good friend,I am building this bridge for him."

Recently we came across two little books of poems. Some of these are quite spiritual in nature and some have a humorous content. The one below has an interesting ending.

How To Pray
The proper way for a man to pray,
Said Deacon Lemuel Keys,
The only proper attitude,
Is down on your knees.

No! I should, say the way to pray,
Said Reverend Doctor Wise,
Is standing straight with outstretched arms
And rapturous upturned eyes.

It seems to me his hands should be
Devoutly clasped In front,
With both thumbs pointing t’wards the ground,
Said Reverend Dr. Blunt

Last year I fell in Hodkin’s well,
Head first, said Cyrus Brown,
With both my heels a-stickln’ up,
My head a-p'intin’ down.

And I made prayer right then and there—
Best prayer I ever said.
The prayin’est prayer I ever prayed
Was standin’ on my head.

Lay-off letter

A Lay-off letter from an excellent boss.


Dear Employees:

As the CEO of this organization, I have resigned myself to the fact that Barrack Obama is our President and that our taxes and government fees will increase in a BIG way.

To compensate for these increases, our prices would have to increase by about 10%. But since we cannot increase our prices right now due to the dismal state of the economy, we will have to lay off sixty of our employees instead.

This has really been bothering me since I believe we are family here and I didn't know how to choose who would have to go.

So, this is what I did. I walked through our parking lots and found sixty 'Obama' bumper stickers on our employees' cars and have decided these folks will be the ones to let go. I can't think of a more fair way to approach this problem. They voted for change...... I gave it to them.

I will see the rest of you at the annual company picnic.

THE BOSS

Shirt Note

The trendy dresser fancied himself quite a ladies' man, and was delighted to find a note pinned inside a new shirt. It contained a girl's name and address, and asked the recipient to send a photograph. How romantic, he thought to himself, very taken with the idea of this mystery woman so eager to meet him, and promptly mailed off a note and a photo. Heart aflutter, he opened her response.

It read, "Thanks for writing. I was just curious to see what kind of guy would buy such a goofy shirt."

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

Cinnamon Rolls

At breakfast one day, I eagerly waited for my husband to comment on my first attempt at homemade cinnamon rolls.

After several minutes with no reaction, I asked, "If I baked these commercially, how much do you think I could get for one of them?"

Without looking up from his paper my husband replied, "About 10 years."

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

THE DASH

I read of a man who stood to speak at the funeral of a friend.
He referred to the dates on his tombstone from the beginning to the end.

He noted that first came the date of his birth and spoke the following with tears,
But he said that what mattered most of all was the dash between those years.

For that dash represents all the time he spent alive on earth...
And now only those who loved him know what that little line is worth.

For it matters not how much we own: the cars, the house, the cash.
What matters is how we live and love and how we spend our dash.

So think about this long and hard... Are there things you’d like to change?
For you never know how much time is left. You could be at “dash mid-range.”

If we could just stow down enough to consider what’s true and real,
And always try to understand the way other people feel.

And be less quick to anger, and show appreciation more,
And love the people in our lives like we’ve never loved before.

If we treat each other with respect, and more often wear a smile,
Remembering that this special dash might only last a little while.

So, when your eulogy’s being read with your life’s actions to rehash,
Would you be proud of the things they say about how you spend your dash?

By: Linda Ellis

DEAF WIFE

A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
"Here's what you do," said the Doctor, stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you.
If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what
happens." Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?"

No response.

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Again he gets no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?"

This time his wife turns around, looks right at him and says, "Ralph, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!"

TASTE MY JESUS!

At the University of Chicago Divinity School each year they have what is called "Baptist Day..." On this day each one is to bring a lunch to be eaten outdoors in a grassy picnic area.

Every "Baptist Day" the school would invite one of the greatest minds to lecture in the theological education center.

.One year they invited Dr. Paul Tillich. Dr.Tillich spoke for two and one-half hours proving that the resurrection of Jesus was false. He quoted scholar after scholar and book after book. He concluded that since there was no such thing as the historical resurrection the religious tradition of the church was groundless, emotional mumbo-jumbo, because it was based on a relationship with a risen Jesus, who, in fact never rose from the dead in any literal sense. He then asked if there were any questions.

After about 30 seconds, an old, dark skinned preacher with a head of short-cropped, woolly white hair stood up in the back of the auditorium. "Docta Tillich, I got one question," he said as all eyes turned toward him.

He reached into his sack lunch and pulled out an apple and began eating it. "Docta Tillich.. CRUNCH, MUNCH "My question is a simple question,... CRUNCH, MUNCH... "Now, I ain't never read them books you read. CRUNCH, MUNCH.." and I can't recite the Scriptures in the original Greek...CRUNCH, MUNCH ....." I don't know nothin' about Niebuhr and Heidegger...CRUNCH, MUNCH... He finished the apple. "All I wanna know is: This apple I just ate, . ... . . . . was it bitter or sweet?

Dr Tillich paused for a moment and answered in exemplary scholarly fashion: "I cannot possibly answer that question, for I haven't tasted your apple."

The white-haired preacher dropped the core of his apple into his crumpled paper bag, looked up at Dr. Tillich and said calmly, "Neither have you tasted my Jesus."

The 1,000 plus in attendance could not contain themselves. The auditorium erupted with applause and cheers.

Have you tasted Jesus?

Please pass this on Saints! Jesus has risen... and He's coming back one day....

"Taste and see that the LORD is good; blessed is the man who takes refuge in Him. If you have, rejoice in the hope of the resurrection that your faith in Him brings." Psalm 34:8!

Bee Flat

This Week's Funny

In a college music theory class one warm spring day, the other students and I were having a hard time concentrating. The heat was oppressive and a wasp buzzed threateningly above our heads.

The teacher—oblivious to the dive-bombing menace—continued lecturing while the rest of us dodged and swatted at the invader. Finally, it landed on one student's open book. With a quick slap, he snapped the text shut, killing the wasp. The professor, startled, looked up. "What was that?" she asked, annoyed. Thinking quickly, the killer answered sheepishly, "A bee flat."

—Paul M. Hampton, Cold Spring, Kentucky. Christian Reader, "Lite Fare."

Visit PreachingToday.com for more illustrations and preaching resources.

Bear Flight

During Operation Desert Storm, I was a legislative affairs officer for Gen. Norman Schwarzkopf. Often I was required to transport gifts, sent to him from patriotic Amerians, from Washington, D.C., to his home base in Florida. On one trip I "escorted" a four-foot teddy bear dressed in fatigues and wearing a name tag reading "Bear," the general's nickname.

As I boarded the plane, I explained my mission to the flight attendant and asked if she could store the bear in first class. She was honored to do so, and I disappeared into the coach section. Then, just before takeoff, an announcement came over the intercom: "Colonel Preast, would you please come up to first class? We have an extra seat for you to sit next to your teddy bear."

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

FROM THE PODIUM

This retired USMC Sgt.. Major has his Stuff together.

Jimmy Carter, you are the father of the Islamic Nazi movement. You threw the Shah under the bus, welcomed the Ayatollah home, and then lacked the spine to confront the terrorists when they took our embassy and our people hostage. You're the "runner-in-chief."

Bill Clinton, you played ring around the Lewinsky while the terrorists were at war with us. You got us into a fight with them in Somalia and then you ran from it. Your weak-willed responses to the USS Cole and the First Trade Center Bombing and Our Embassy Bombings emboldened the killers. Each time you failed to respond adequately, they grew bolder, until 9/11/2001.

John Kerry, dishonesty is your most prominent attribute. You lied about American Soldiers in Vietnam . Your military service, like your life, is more
fiction than fact. You've accused our military of terrorizing women and children in Iraq . You called Iraq the wrong war, wrong place, wrong time, and the same words you used to describe Vietnam . You're a fake! You want to run from Iraq and abandon the Iraqis to murderers just as you did to the Vietnamese. Iraq , like Vietnam , is another war that you were for, before you were against it.

John Murtha, you said our military was broken. You said we can't win militarily in Iraq . You accused United States Marines of cold-blooded murder without proof and said we should redeploy to Okinawa . Okinawa, John? And the Democrats call you their military expert! Are you sure you didn't suffer a traumatic brain injury while you were off building your war hero resume? You're a sad, pitiable, corrupt, and washed up old fool. You're not a Marine, sir. You wouldn't amount to a good pimple on a real Marine's ass. You're a phony and a disgrace.. Run away, John.

Dick Durbin, you accused our Soldiers at Guantanamo of being Nazis, tenders of Soviet style gulags and as bad as the regime of Pol Pot, who murdered two million of his own people after your party abandoned Southeast Asia to the Communists. Now you want to abandon the Iraqis to the same fate. History was not a good teacher for you, was it? Lord help us! See Dick run.

Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid, Carl Levine, Barbara Boxer, Diane Feinstein, Russ Feingold, Pat Leahy, Barack Obama, Chuck Schumer, the Hollywood Leftist morons, et al, ad nauseam: Every time you stand in front of television cameras and broadcast to the Islamic Nazis that we went to war because our President lied, that the war is wrong and our Soldiers are torturers, that we should leave Iraq, you give the Islamic butchers - the same ones that tortured and mutilated American Soldiers - cause to think that we'll run away again, and all they have to do is hang on a little longer. It is inevitable that we, the infidels, will have to defeat the Islamic jihadists. Better to do it now on their turf, than later on ours after they have gained both strength and momentum.

American news media, the New York Times particularly: Each time you publish stories about national defense secrets and our intelligence gathering methods, you become one united with the sub-human pieces of camel dung that torture and mutilate the bodies of American Soldiers. You can't strike up the courage to publish cartoons, but you can help Al Qaeda destroy my country. Actually, you are more dangerous to us than Al Qaeda is. Think about that each time you face Mecca to admire your Pulitzer..

You are America 's 'AXIS OF IDIOTS..' Your Collective Stupidity will destroy us. Self-serving politics and terrorist-abetting news scoops are more important to you than our national security or the lives of innocent civilians and Soldiers. It bothers you that defending ourselves gets in the way of your elitist sport of politics and your ignorant editorializing. There is as much blood on your hands as is on the hands of murdering terrorists. Don't ever doubt that. Your frolics will only serve to extend this war as they extended Vietnam . If you want our Soldiers home as you claim, knock off the crap and try supporting your country ahead of supporting your silly political aims and aiding our enemies.

Yes, I'm questioning your patriotism. Your loyalty ends with self. I'm also questioning why you're stealing air that decent Americans could be breathing. You don't deserve the protection of our men and women in uniform. You need to run away from this war, this country. Leave the war to the people who have the will to see it through and the country to people who are willing to defend it.

Our country has two enemies: Those who want to destroy us from the outside and those who attempt it from within.

Semper Fi,
J. D. Pendry - Sergeant Major, USMC, Retired

Bosses Night

At an annual Bosses Night dinner for Helena, Montana, lawyers, sponsored by legal secretaries, it was time to announce the Boss of the Year.

The master of ceremonies began: "First of all, our winner is a graduate of the University of Montana. So that already eliminates some of you as candidates."

"Our winner also is a partner in a downtown Helena law firm. That eliminates some more of you. "Our nominee is honest, upright, dedicated..."

A voice from the audience cut in: "Well, there go the rest of us!"

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh



*Eye Laugh*

"Mouse Nightmare"
http://www.cybersalt.org/go.php?id=cw97

New Year Message

December 31

Trials and Pain: Prepared for Whatever

Lord, You have been our dwelling place in all generations. Before the mountains were brought forth, or ever You had formed the earth and the world, even from everlasting to everlasting, You are God. --Psalm 90:1-2

Yet I do not advise that we end the year on a somber note. The march, not the dirge, has ever been the music of Christianity. If we are good students in the school of life, there is much that the years have to teach us. But the Christian is more than a student, more than a philosopher. He is a believer, and the object of his faith makes the difference, the mighty difference.

Of all persons the Christian should be best prepared for whatever the New Year brings. He has dealt with life at its source. In Christ he has disposed of a thousand enemies that other men must face alone and unprepared. He can face his tomorrow cheerful and unafraid because yesterday he turned his feet into the ways of peace and today he lives in God. The man who has made God his dwelling place will always have a safe habitation.

The Warfare of the Spirit, p. 148

"Thank You, Father, for all You've taught me this past year. Thank You for the stretching experiences. Thank You for Tozer's wise counsel. Thank You for the privilege of serving You. Thank You for Your love and grace. Amen."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Today's "Insight for Leaders" is taken by permission from the book, Tozer on Christian Leadership, published by WingSpread Publishers

Pregnant Turkey Story

Oh, wouldn't you love to pull this one off???


PREGNANT TURKEY STORY

One year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my sister's house for the traditional feast. Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick.

She told my sister that she needed something from the store.

When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, and inserted it into the turkey, and re-stuffed the turkey. She then placed the bird(s) back in the oven.

When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird.

With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, 'Patricia, you've cooked a pregnant bird!' At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry.

It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs!

Yep..................SHE'S BLONDE!

Something For Mom

The Santa Claus at the mall was very surprised when a young lady about twenty years old walked up and sat on his lap.

Santa doesn't usually take requests from adults, but she smiled very nicely at him, so he said, "OK, you can ask for something but it has to be for someone other than yourself. What do you want for Christmas?"

"Something for my mother," said the young lady.

"Something for your mother? Well, that's very thoughtful of you," smiled Santa. "What do you want me to bring her? "

Without blinking she replied, "A son-in-law!"

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh



*Eye Laugh*

"Dog Manger"
http://www.cybersalt.org/go.php?id=cw86

Christian Quotation of the Day

Monday, December 21, 2009
Meditation:
So the LORD God said to the serpent, "Because you have done
this, cursed are you above all the livestock and all the wild
animals! You will crawl on your belly and you will eat dust all
the days of your life. And I will put enmity between you and
the woman, and between your offspring and hers; he will crush
your head, and you will strike his heel."
--Genesis 3:14-15 (NIV)
_______________________________________________________________
Quotation:
I have this running quandary about Christmas. I get upset
about it, because I feel that we American Christians make too
much of it, and too little. Too little of it, because we pile
all sorts of other things onto it, including some that have
only the feeblest connection with the Event it is supposed to
commemorate. If God did become a man, in any real sense, it is
the most important thing that ever happened. Surely we, who
believe it, could well devote one day a year to uninterrupted
contemplation of the fact, and let Saturnalia fall on the
winter solstice, where it belongs.
On the other hand, we make so much of the actual birth, and
forget the things that make it more than just the birth of a
baby (though even that is, in Walt Whitman's phrase, "miracle
enough to stagger sextillions of infidels"*)--more, even, than
the birth of the greatest man who ever lived. We forget the
promise to Eve of a descendant who will solve the problem of
Evil; the promise to Abraham of one by whom all mankind will be
blessed; the promise to Moses of a greater prophet than he, to
arise from his people; and the promise to David of a Son who
would be his Master. We forget about the eternal Purpose behind
it all: it's like telling a story and leaving out the point.
Yes, it is true that God gave us His Son, and so maybe we ought
also to give gifts--but what, and to whom? It is also true that
God gave us Himself, and the only sensible response to that is
to give ourselves to Him. There is nothing else that He wants
from us, or, if there is something, He can take it. Only I, my
ego, my heart, is truly mine to give or to withhold--and is
therefore the appropriate gift to Him.
* Walt Whitman (1819-1892), Song of Myself, in Leaves of
Grass
... Robert MacColl Adams (1913-1985), letter, 1982
_______________________________________________________________
Quiet time reflection:
Lord, I give You my life for what You have given me.

CQOD Compilation Copyright 2009, Robert McAnally Adams, Curator
Sub to CQOD HTML: cqodh-subscribe@cqod.com

Legalese Night Before Christmas

THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS in Legalese
(Author unknown)

Whereas, on or about the night prior to Christmas, there did occur at a certain improved piece of real property (hereinafter "the House") a general lack of stirring by all creatures therein, including, but not limited to a mouse.

A variety of foot apparel, e.g., stocking, socks, etc., had been affixed by and around the chimney in said House in the hope and/or belief that St. Nick a/k/a/ St. Nicholas a/k/a/ Santa Claus (hereinafter "Claus") would arrive at sometime thereafter. The minor residents, i.e. the children, of the aforementioned House were located in their individual beds and were engaged in nocturnal hallucinations, i.e. dreams, wherein vision of confectionery treats, including, but not limited to, candies, nuts and/or sugar plums, did dance, cavort and otherwise appear in said dreams.

Whereupon the party of the first part (sometimes hereinafter referred to as ("I"), being the joint-owner in fee simple of the House with the party of the second part (hereinafter "Mamma"), and said Mamma had retired for a sustained period of sleep. (At such time, the parties were clad in various forms of headgear, e.g., kerchief and cap.

Suddenly, and without prior notice or warning, there did occur upon the unimproved real property adjacent and appurtenant to said House, i.e., the lawn, a certain disruption of unknown nature, cause and/or circumstance. The party of the first part did immediately rush to a window in the House to investigate the cause of such disturbance.

At that time, the party of the first part did observe, with some degree of wonder and/or disbelief, a miniature sleigh (hereinafter "the Vehicle") being pulled and/or drawn very rapidly through the air by approximately eight (8) reindeer. The driver of the Vehicle appeared to be and in fact was, the previously referenced Claus.

Said Claus was providing specific direction, instruction and guidance to the approximately eight (8) reindeer and specifically identified the animal co-conspirators by name: Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner and Blitzen (hereinafter "the Deer"). (Upon information and belief, it is further asserted that an additional co- conspirator named "Rudolph" may have been involved.)

The party of the first part witnessed Claus, the Vehicle and the Deer intentionally and willfully trespass upon the roofs of several residences located adjacent to and in the vicinity of the House, and noted that the Vehicle was heavily laden with packages, toys and other items of unknown origin or nature. Suddenly, without prior invitation or permission, either express or implied, the Vehicle arrived at the House, and Claus entered said House via the chimney.

Said Claus was clad in a red fur suit, which was partially covered with residue from the chimney, and he carried a large sack containing a portion of the aforementioned packages, toys, and other unknown items. He was smoking what appeared to be tobacco in a small pipe in blatant violation of local ordinances and health regulations.

Claus did not speak, but immediately began to fill the stocking of the minor children, which hung adjacent to the chimney, with toys and other small gifts. (Said items did not, however, constitute "gifts" to said minor pursuant to the applicable provisions of the U.S. Tax Code.)

Upon completion of such task, Claus touched the side of his nose and flew, rose and/or ascended up the chimney of the House to the roof where the Vehicle and Deer waited and/or served as "lookouts." Claus immediately departed for an unknown destination.

However, prior to the departure of the Vehicle, Deer and Claus from said House, the party of the first part did hear Claus state and/or exclaim: "Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!" Or words to that effect.

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

*Eye Laugh*

"CD Burner"
http://www.cybersalt.org/go.php?id=cw315

From "Desiring God Blog"

Simon the Pharisee: The Fuel of True Love for God

Posted: 04 Dec 2009 12:27 AM PST

(Author: Jon Bloom)

He had the Holy One of Israel in his house, reclining at his table. The Prophet that Moses had foretold was sharing dinner with him. The Lord of glory, the Resurrection and the Life, was speaking with him face to face. The great climactic moment of history he claimed to be living for had arrived. It should have been a deliriously wonderful, breathtaking honor for Simon to host the Messiah.

But Simon was not amazed. As he looked at Jesus, all he saw was a dusty Nazarene whose claims could be interpreted as delusional.

And Jesus' feet were still dirty. Offering foot washing to guests had been a deeply ingrained custom for Near Eastern peoples for thousands of years. To not offer it was to dishonor one's guest. It's not likely that Simon simply forgot.

But Jesus showed no sign of offense. And with the meal on the table, superficial pleasantries were exchanged. A few polite questions were asked.

Suddenly all eyes facing Jesus were filled with confused concern, focused toward his feet. Jesus looked back.

A woman was standing near him, clearly not part of the household. She was looking intensely at him, cradling a small jar in her hands. She began to sob and dropped to her knees. And as her tears flowed, she leaned over and let them drop on Jesus' soiled feet and wiped them off, along with the dirt, with her hair. Then she kissed Jesus' feet.

Gasps and mutterings were heard around the table. This woman had a reputation known to all the local guests. It was improper even to speak openly about what had given her this reputation. She was simply called a "sinner." Everyone knew what was packed into that word.

So everyone was mortified by this sinner's actions, except Jesus, apparently. He did not seem shocked. And he did nothing to stop her. An alarmed servant moved toward the woman but Simon waved him off. This was a revealing moment.

As Simon watched the woman pour fragrant oil from her jar on Jesus' feet, he felt both contempt and pleasure. His appraisal of Jesus was being vindicated before his eyes. Nothing spoke more eloquently of the falseness of this so-called prophet than his stunning lack of discernment regarding this immoral woman. No holy man would have let her pollute him with her touch. He began to rehearse what he would report to the Council.

"Simon, I have something to say to you." Jesus' words snapped Simon's attention back. "Say it, Teacher," he replied.

"A certain moneylender had two debtors. One owed five hundred denarii, and the other fifty. When they could not pay, he cancelled the debt of both. Now which of them will love him more?"

Simon answered, "The one, I suppose, for whom he cancelled the larger debt." And he said to him, "You have judged rightly."

Then turning toward the woman he said to Simon, "Do you see this woman? I entered your house; you gave me no water for my feet, but she has wet my feet with her tears and wiped them with her hair. You gave me no kiss, but from the time I came in she has not ceased to kiss my feet. You did not anoint my head with oil, but she has anointed my feet with ointment. Therefore I tell you, her sins, which are many, are forgiven—for she loved much. But he who is forgiven little, loves little."

And then Jesus spoke to the woman: "Your sins are forgiven. Your faith has saved you; go in peace." (Quotes from Luke 7:40-49)

* * *

"He who is forgiven little, loves little." This little statement reveals a mammoth truth for us: We will love God to the degree that we recognize the magnitude of our sins and the immensity of God's grace to forgive them.

As a Pharisee, Simon likely had learned significant theological, memorized extensive portions of Scripture, exercised rigorous self-discipline, tithed meticulously, spent much time "serving" God, and enjoyed a reputation as a godly man. And yet he did not love God.

The woman, however, who had nothing to offer except shameful sin, was described by Jesus as a model for true worship. Why? Simply because she knew how desperately she needed the forgiveness Jesus offered in his gospel, and she believed that he could grant it.

That is what Jesus is looking for. That is the faith that saves.

True worship is a passionate love for God. And, for sinners like us, the fuel of that love is a profound realization, in the words of former slave trader-turned-pastor, John Newton, "that I am a great sinner, and that Christ is a great Saviour."

Leaky Pipe

This will be the medical system response if abomanationcare is passed!!

A lady answered her front door to find a plumber standing there. "I'm here to fix the leaky pipe," he announced.

"I didn't call a plumber," said the lady.

"What?" huffed the plumber. "Aren't you Mrs. Frobisher?"

The Frobishers moved out of this house over a year ago," explained the lady.

"How do you like that," grunted the plumber. "They call you up and tell you it's an emergency and then they move away!"

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

Missionaries Bring Hope to India's Flood Victims - Gospel for Asia

The following web page is well worth reading. The need is beyond what most of us can comprehend.

Missionaries Bring Hope to India's Flood Victims - Gospel for Asia

Shared via AddThis

A nun in Hooters

A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while 'the lights would turn off.'

Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.

She walked up to the bartender, and asked, 'May I please use the restroom? The bartender replied, 'OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.' 'Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way,' said the nun.

So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause!

She went to the bartender and said, 'Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?' 'Well, now they know you're one of us,' said the bartender, 'Would you like a drink?'

'No thank you, but, I still don't understand,' said the puzzled nun. 'You see,' laughed the bartender, 'every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out..

Now, how about that drink?'

Walk-in Scream

A woman went to a walk-in clinic, where she was seen by a young, new doctor. After about three minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant.

She burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall.

An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him what had happened.

After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another exam room.

The doctor marched down the hallway back to where the first doctor was and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 59 years old, has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was PREGNANT?!"

The young doctor continued to write on his clipboard, and without looking up, asked, "Does she still have the hiccups?"

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

Failing Eyesight

An older lady was expecting a gentleman friend to call on her later in the day. She was nervous because her eyesight was failing and was afraid her friend might reject her because she was less than perfect. So, she came up with a plan to prove to him that she could see perfectly.

She put a straight pin in a tree that was about 200 feet from her front porch.

When her beau arrived, they sat in the porch swing and were talking when she suddenly stopped the conversation and asked, "Is that a pin sticking in that tree?"

Her friend squinted his eyes and said, "I don't see a thing."

"Well, I'm going to go see," she said as she jumped up, ran toward the tree, and collided with a cow.

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh



*Eye Laugh*

"Baby Shave"
http://www.cybersalt.org/go.php?id=cw33

Biblical knowledge without Agape Love

Christian Quotation of the Day

Monday, September 14, 2009

Feast of the Holy Cross

Meditation:
If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries
and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move
mountains, but have not love, I am nothing.
--1 Corinthians 13:2 (NIV)

_______________________________________________________________

Quotation:
Learned men and great scholars have devoted great effort
and prolonged study to the Holy Scriptures... employing the
gifts which God gives to every person who has the use of
reason. This knowledge is good... but it does not bring with it
any spiritual experience of God, for these graces are granted
only to those who have a great love for Him. This fountain of
love issues from our Lord alone, and no stranger may approach
it. But knowledge of this kind is common to good and bad alike,
since it can be acquired without love, ... and men of a worldly
life are sometimes more knowledgeable than many true Christians
although they do not possess this love. St. Paul describes this
kind of knowledge: "If I had full knowledge of all things and
knew all secrets, but had no love, I should be nothing." Some
people who possess this knowledge become proud and misuse it in
order to increase their personal reputation, worldly rank,
honours and riches, when they should use it humbly to the
praise of God and for the benefit of their fellow Christians in
true charity. St. Paul says of this kind of knowledge:
"Knowledge by itself stirs the heart with pride, but united to
love it turns to edification." By itself this knowledge is like
water, tasteless and cold. But if those who have it will offer
it humbly to our Lord and ask for His grace, He will turn the
water into wine with His blessing.
... Walter Hilton (1330?-1396), The Scale of Perfection
[early 15th century], tr. Lionel Digby Sherley-Price,
London: Penguin Books, 1957, p. 4
See the book at http://cqod.com/r/rs167

_______________________________________________________________

Quiet time reflection:
Lord, add love to my understanding of You.

_______________________________________________________________

CQOD Compilation Copyright 2009, Robert McAnally Adams, Curator
Sub to CQOD HTML: cqodh-subscribe@cqod.com

Grabber of the Impossible

Christian Quotation of the Day

Friday, September 4, 2009

Commemoration of Birinus, Bishop of Dorchester (Oxon),
Apostle of Wessex, 650

Meditation:
Great is the LORD, and most worthy of praise, in the city
of our God, his holy mountain.
--Psalm 48:1 (NIV)

_______________________________________________________________

Quotation:
I belong and will ever belong to "The Great God Party." I
will have nought to do with "The Little God Party..." Christ
wants not nibblers of the possible, but grabbers of the
impossible.
... C. T. Studd (1860-1931), C. T. Studd--Cricketer and
Pioneer [1933], Norman P. Grubb, Read Books, 2008, p.
164-165
See the book at http://cqod.com/r/rs158

_______________________________________________________________

Quiet time reflection:
Lord, embolden Your people.

_______________________________________________________________

CQOD Compilation Copyright 2009, Robert McAnally Adams, Curator
Sub to CQOD HTML: cqodh-subscribe@cqod.com
CQOD Home Page: http://www.cqod.com/

Evangelism: Trusting the Lifeboat

And he brought them out and said, "Sirs, what must I do to be saved?" So they said, "Believe on the Lord Jesus Christ, and you will be saved, you and your household." --Acts 16:30-31

Now, the matter of complete trust in the person of Christ.

No man has any hope for eternal salvation apart from trusting completely in Jesus Christ and His atonement for men. Simply stated, our Lord Jesus is the lifeboat and we must fully and truly be committed to trusting the lifeboat.

Again, our Lord and Savior is the rope by which it is possible to escape from the burning building. There is no doubt about it--either we trust that rope or we perish.

He is the wonder drug or medication that heals all ills and sicknesses--and if we refuse it, we die.

He is the bridge from hell to heaven--and we take the bridge and cross over by His grace or we stay in hell.

These are simple illustrations, but they get to the point of the necessity of complete trust in Jesus Christ--absolute trust in Him! Who Put Jesus on the Cross?, 52.

"Lord, help me to make this clear as I share the Gospel. So many seem to persist in wanting to trust Christ plus their own efforts. Thank You for this free gift of salvation. Amen."

---

Today's "Insight for Leaders" is taken by permission from the book, Tozer on Christian Leadership, published by WingSpread Publishers

Prescription Check

An old man strode in to his doctors office and said, "Doc, my druggist said to tell you to change my prescription and to check the prescription you've been giving to Mrs. Smith."

"Oh, he did, did he?" the doctor shot back. "And since when does a druggist second guess a doctor's orders?"

The old man says, "Since he found out I've been on birth control pills since February."

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

*Eye Laugh*

"Comedian Wannabe"
http://www.cybersalt.org/go.php?id=cw13

Tree Trouble

Unexpected cold snaps had destroyed the buds on my father's young peach tree for two years in a row. This spring, Dad was ready. He replanted the sapling in a large box, mounted it on wheels, and put the tree in the garage whenever the temperature dropped.

One warm April day, Dad was wheeling the tree out into the yard, and he stopped to give our dog a drink from the garden hose. A neighbor watched the scene with amusement. "Frank," he finally commented, "you're the only man I know who walks his tree and waters his dog!"

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

*Eye Laugh*

"Elephant Caddy"
http://www.cybersalt.org/go.php?id=cw12

Psalm 111

Praise for the LORD's Works

1 Hallelujah!
I will praise the LORD with all my heart
in the assembly of the upright and in the congregation.

2 The LORD's works are great,
studied by all who delight in them.

3 All that He does is splendid and majestic;
His righteousness endures forever.

4 He has caused His wonderful works to be remembered.
The LORD is gracious and compassionate.

5 He has provided food for those who fear Him;
He remembers His covenant forever.

6 He has shown His people the power of His works
by giving them the inheritance of the nations.

7 The works of His hands are truth and justice;
all His instructions are trustworthy.

8 They are established forever and ever,
enacted in truth and uprightness.

9 He has sent redemption to His people.
He has ordained His covenant forever.
His name is holy and awe-inspiring.

10 The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom;
all who follow His instructions have good insight.
His praise endures forever.

From the Holman Christian Standard Bible

Cell Phone Find

An employee of the airport found a cell phone in one of the boarding areas. She switched it on, hoping a caller would identify the owner. It rang, and she answered it, but there was no response. When it rang a second time, another female employee answered, and the same thing happened.

Moments later, a supervisor came by and picked up the ringing phone. "This is Bob. May I help you?"

"Bob," the bewildered woman caller finally spoke. "Where is Bill, and who are those two women he's with?"

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

*Eye Laugh*

"Japanese Proverb"
http://www.cybersalt.org/go.php?id=cw8

I met God in the morning

I met God in the morning
When my day was at its best.
His presence came like sunrise,
A Glory in my breast.

All day long the presence lingered.
All day long He stayed with me.
And we sailed in perfect calmness
O’er a very troubled sea.

So I think I know the secret,
Learned by many a troubled way.
You must seek Him in the morning
If you want Him through the day.

Author Unknown

Sermon Comment

After a very long and boring sermon the parishioners filed out of the church saying nothing to the preacher. Towards the end of the line was a thoughtful person who always commented on the sermons."Pastor, today your sermon reminded me of the peace and love of God." The pastor was thrilled. "Nobody has ever said anything like that about my preaching before. Tell me why." "Because it endured forever." *Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!* cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

The Beginning

When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the psychiatrist began his therapy session.

"I'm not aware of your problem," the doctor said. "So perhaps, you should start at the very beginning."

"Of course," replied the patient. "In the beginning, I created the heavens and the earth..."

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh



*Eye Laugh*

"Bad Day Convertible"
http://www.cybersalt.org/go.php?id=cw5

Meditation:

If there is no resurrection of the dead, then not even
Christ has been raised. And if Christ has not been raised, our
preaching is useless and so is your faith.
--1 Corinthians 15:13,14 (NIV)

_______________________________________________________________

Quotation:

If it be all for naught, for nothingness
At last, why does God make the world so fair?
Why spill this golden splendor out across
The western hills, and light the silver lamp
Of eve? Why give me eyes to see, and soul
To love so strong and deep? Then, with a pang
This brightness stabs me through, and wakes within
Rebellious voice to cry against all death?
Why set this hunger for eternity
To gnaw my heartstrings through, if death ends all?
If death ends all, then evil must be good,
Wrong must be right, and beauty ugliness.
God is a Judas who betrays His Son,
And with a kiss, damns all the world to hell,--
If Christ rose not again.

... Anonymous, Unknown soldier, killed in World War I,
included in Masterpieces of Religious Verse, James
Dalton Morrison, ed., New York: Harper & Bros., 1948,
p. 205
See the book at http://cqod.com/r/rs132

_______________________________________________________________

Quiet time reflection:
Lord, You vindicate Your creation.

ID Card

The day I immigrated to the United States, I was given an alien ID card that featured a cute photo of me at age 15. Years later, when I went to the courthouse to become a citizen, a clerk confiscated my card.

"What will you do with it?" my wife asked.

"We burn it" was the answer.

"Could you please cut the photo off and let us keep it?" asked my wife.

"Certainly not," said the clerk. "This card is official U.S. government property. As such it cannot be mutilated before it's destroyed."

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

Now a note from me: With the above noted bureaucratic nonsense think what government run health care will be like. "So you have a broken leg. Go home take two aspirin and come back in two months."



*Eye Laugh*

"South Driving School"
http://www.cybersalt.org/go.php?id=cw1

Collateral

Be sure to open the "Eye Laugh" at the end of the post! I accompanied my husband when he went to get a haircut. Reading a magazine, I found a hairstyle I liked for myself, and I asked the receptionist if I could take the magazine next door to make a copy of the photo. "Leave some ID, a driver's license or a credit card," she said. "But my husband is here getting a haircut," I explained. "Yes," she replied. "But I need something you'll come back for." *Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!* cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh *Eye Laugh* "Mom Sleigh" http://www.cybersalt.org/g07.php?id=146

God's Peace

Now the God of peace be with you all. — Romans 16:33

It is in the Lord Jesus Christ, and in Him alone, that we find the knowledge, the assurance, the certitude, which create true peace within us. He brings a revelation of the Divine which is marked by a clarity, a unity, an authority, and a finality, such as we find nowhere else. In Him we see and know and possess God. We have certitude about the Divine. The God revealed in Jesus Christ is such, in His holiness and love, that we may know for certain He will never mock us in our human littleness and weakness. He loves us too dearly. He has suffered to save us. To know God thus in Jesus Christ is the first step to a true peace.
But the Lord Jesus gives us equally clear intelligence and assurance about the Beyond, about the Future, and about the Present. As for the Beyond, which has ever been a vexed question in the human heart, He tells us of “the Father̓s House,” and assures His people that He goes to “prepare a place” for them. As for the Future, He promises, “I will come again and receive you unto Myself, that where I am there ye may bc also.” As for the Present, He covers all the waiting-time until His glorious reappearing by His gracious provision of the Holy Spirit, the Comforter of whom He says, “He shall abide with you”; “He shall be in you”; “He shall teach you”; He shall guide you.”
Dear Christian, these are the first things that belong to our peace. We must feed our hearts on the solid comfort of these glorious certainties which our Divine Lord gives to us. When we possess such assurance concerning God and the Beyond, and such a provision for the Future, ought not our peace, to be as a full, deep, smooth-flowing river?

– J. Sidlow Baxter From: “Climbing the Heights” Commpiled by Al Bryant, Page 226, Copyright 1956 by Zondervan Publishing House

THE TICKET

The other day I went downtown to run a few errands and stopped by the local coffee shop for a snack. I was only there for about 5 minutes, and when I came out, there was this cop writing out a parking ticket. I said to him, 'Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a break'?

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. His insensitivity annoyed me, so I called him a 'Nazi.' He glared at me and then wrote out another ticket for having worn tires. So I proceeded to call him a 'doughnut eating Gestapo.' He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.

Then he wrote a third ticket when I called him a ‘moron in blue’. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I talked back to him the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, I didn't really care. I came downtown on the bus, and the car that he was putting the tickets on had one of those bumper stickers that said, 'Obama '08.'

I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. The doctor tells me that it's important for my health.

Jury Excuse

"Please, Your Honor, I'd like to be excused from jury duty," pleaded an anxious-looking man.

"Why should I excuse you?" asked the judge.

"You see, I owe a man fifty dollars, and he's leaving in a few hours for a post abroad. He'll be there for years and I want to catch him before he leaves, for it may be my last chance to repay him."

"Excused," stated the judge coldly. "We don't want anyone on the jury who can lie like that."

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

---

*Eye Laugh*

"Sneeze Guard"
http://www.cybersalt.org/g07.php?id=140

The haircut.

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop. The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I can not accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Congressman was very happy and left the shop. The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

GOTTA LOVE LITTLE BOYS

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The man at the counter asked the older boy, 'Son, how old are you?'
'Eight', the boy replied.
The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?'
The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four.

We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike.
Right now, he can't do none of those'.

Contentment

But godliness with contentment is great gain. I Timothy 6:6

Negatively, contentment delivers from worry and fretfulness, from avarice and selfishness. Positively, it leaves us free to enjoy what God has given us.

Contentment is the product of a heart resting in God. It is the soul̓s enjoyment of that peace which passes all understanding. It is the outcome of my will being brought into subjection to the Divine will. It is the blessed assurance that God does all things well, and is, even now, making all things work together for my ultimate good. This experience has to be learned” by “proving what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God” (Rom. 12:2). Contentment is possible only as we cultivate and maintain that attitude of accepting everything which enters our lives as coming from the Hand of Him who is too wise to err, and too loving to cause one of his children a needless tear.

Let our final word be this: real contentment is only possible by being much in the presence of the Lord Jesus. It is only by cultivating intimacy with that One who was never discontent that we shall be delivered from the sin of complaining. It is only by daily fellowship with Him who ever delightcd in the Father̓s will that we shall learn the secret of contentment.

If the wren can cling

To a spray a-swing

In the mad May wind,

And sing and sing,

As if she̓d burst for joy

Why cannot I

Contented lie

In His quiet arms,

Beneath His sky,

Unmoved by life̓s annoy?

From: "Climbing the Heights" by Al Bryant, Copyright 1956, Zondervan Publishing House, Page 219

Christian Strength

I will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you. – John 14:18

Christians must learn to get strength and courage from the promises and provisions of God. What if there are reverses, sufferings, hardships, disappointments injustices here in this brief life, if the life to come is filled with joy, beauty, light, holiness, power and glory for all eternity?

John, the Apostle of love, would give us a final word concerning this. He wrote:

There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear: because fear has torment. He that fears is not made perfect in love. (I John 4:18).

Perfect love for God casts out fear of all kinds. If our hearts are filled with love to God and man, as Jesus taught they should be, there is no room for fear, worry, resent­ment, hate and selfishness. And if we are filled with the Holy Spirit (Ephesians 5:18), then we will be filled with love, for love is the first fruit of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22).

God can so fill our lives that we are satisfied with Him and His provisions. Fears and worries will have to go be­cause the things that cause them cease to matter.

— Faris D. Whitesell
From: “Climbing the Heights” by Al Bryant Copyright 1956, Zondervan Publishing House

Employment History

TODAY'S CLEAN LAUGH

To pass the time while our plane was being de-iced, the flight attendants played a trivia game with the passengers. They asked us to guess the total number of years the three of them had worked for the airlines.

After an attendant collected our estimates, we heard the announcement: "The correct answer is 26 years. For the two people who came closest with 28 years, we have prizes. And for the passenger in seat 12F who guessed 85 years, would you please step off the plane once we are airborne."

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

EYE LAUGH

"Cat Yawn 2"
http://www.cybersalt.org/g07.php?id=55

Why we love children...

1) NUDITY I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'


2) OPINIONS On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.'


3) KETCHUP A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle.'


4) MORE NUDITY A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'


5) POLICE # 1 While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop? Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report. My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her. 'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?'


6) POLICE # 2 It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a dog you got back there?' he asked. 'It sure is,' I replied puzzled. The boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, 'What'd he do?'


7) ELDERLY While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'


8) DEATH While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: 'Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.' (I want this line used at my funeral!)

9) SCHOOL A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!'

10) BIBLE A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. 'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out. 'What have you got there, dear?' With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam's underwear!'


NOW IF THIS DIDN'T BRIGHTEN YOUR DAY, GO BACK TO BED AND FORGET IT!

Card Name

TODAY'S CLEAN LAUGH


Those of us who worked at the front desk of a convention hotel in Williamsburg, Va., prided ourselves on making the guests feel special. When someone arrived at reception, credit card in hand, we would sneak a peek at it and address him by name.

Once during a particularly busy check-in, one of our guests presented a corporate credit card. "Welcome to Williamsburg, Mr. Bell," the desk clerk said.

"Oh, please," the man replied, "call me Taco."

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

Service for One

TODAY'S CLEAN LAUGH

On Sunday, the new young pastor arrived at church and found only an old farmer had shown up.

After waiting a while, the disappointed the pastor remarked to the old farmer, "Well, it appears no one else is coming, so we should probably cancel service today"

The farmer, dressed in his Sunday best, looked at the young preacher and said, "Well pastor, I don't know much 'bout preachin', but I do know something bout farmin' and if I went out in the field and found only one cow, I'd still feed 'em"

This excited the young preacher who preached for the next 45 minutes a fierce fire and brimstone sermon. Afterwards the pastor asked the old farmer what he thought.

The old farmer remarked, "Well pastor, I don't know much bout preachin', but I do know somethin' 'bout farmin' and if I went out in the field and found only one cow, I wouldn't give 'em the whole bale."

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

Christian Quotation of the Day

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Meditation:
[Peter:] You know what has happened throughout Judea,
beginning in Galilee after the baptism that John preached--how
God anointed Jesus of Nazareth with the Holy Spirit and power,
and how he went around doing good and healing all who were
under the power of the devil, because God was with him.
--Acts 10:37,38 (NIV)

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Quotation:
When in hand-to-hand conflict with the world and the devil,
neat little Biblical confectionery is like shooting lions with
a pea-shooter; one needs a man who will let go and deliver
blows right and left as hard as he can hit, in the power of the
Holy Ghost... Nothing but forked-lightning Christians will
count.
... C. T. Studd (1860-1931), quoted in C. T. Studd--
Cricketer and Pioneer [1933], Norman P. Grubb, Read
Books, 2008, p. 163
See the book at http://cqod.com/r/rs105

Blond Joke

A blond is staying home with a head cold. She calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to asemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then .." He said with a deep sigh, . .. . ... . ..

"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."

A Sponge in the Sea

The following is from: The Thirsty Theologian

http://www.thirstytheologian.com/2009/07/07/a_sponge_in_the_sea.php

Now here is a concept that, obvious as it is, had never occurred to me: while God, in his omnipresence, fills all of creation, it is really creation that is contained by him. Charnock wrote:

“In him we live,” is to be understood, not of his power and goodness, perfections of his nature, distinguished according to our manner of conception from his essence, but of the essential presence of God with his creatures. If he had meant it of his efficiency in preserving us, it had not been any proof if his nearness to us. Who would go about to prove the body or sustenance of the sun to be near to us because it doth warm and enlighten us, when our sense evidenceth the distance of it? We live in the beams of the sun, but we cannot be said to live in the sun, which is so far distant from us. The expression seems to be more emphatical than to intend any less than his essential presence; but we live in him not only as the efficient cause of our life, but as the foundation sustaining our lives and motions, as if he were like air, diffused round about us; and we move in him . . . as a sponge in the sea, not containing him, but being contained by him. He compasseth all, is encompassed by none; he fills all, is comprehended by none. The Creator contains the world, the world contains not the Creator; as the hollow of the hand contains the water, the water in the hollow of the hand contains not the hand; and therefore some have chose to say, rather, that the world is in God, it lives and moves in him, than that God is in the world. If all things thus live and move in him, then he is present with everything that hath life and motion; and as long as the devils and damned have life, and motion, and being, so long is he with them; for whatsoever lives and moves, lives and moves in him.

—Stephen Charnock, The Existence and Attributes of God (Baker Books, 2005), 1:374–375

Suitor Approval

A good friend of mine warned me that, as my three daughters became old enough to date, I'd disapprove of every young man who took them out.

But when the time came, I was pleased that my friend's prediction was wrong. Each boy was pleasant and well mannered.

Talking to my daughter Joanna one day, I said that I liked all the young men she and her sisters brought home.

"You know, Dad," she replied, "we don't show you everybody."

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!* http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

Christian Quotation of the Day

Friday, July 3, 2009

Feast of Thomas the Apostle

Meditation:
In the beginning you laid the foundations of the earth,
and the heavens are the work of your hands.
They will perish, but you remain;
they will all wear out like a garment.
Like clothing you will change them
and they will be discarded.
--Psalm 102:25,26 (NIV)

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Quotation:
Long did I toil, and knew no earthly rest,
Far did I rove, and found no certain home;
At last I sought them in His sheltering breast,
Who opes His arms and bids the weary come:
With Him I found a home, a rest divine,
And I since then am His, and He is mine.

The good I have is from His stores supplied:
The ill is only what He deems the best.
He for my friend, I'm rich with naught beside;
And poor without Him, though of all possessed.
Changes may come--I take, or I resign
Content, while I am His, and He is mine.

Whate'er may change, in Him no change is seen,
A glorious Sun, that wanes not, nor declines;
Above the clouds and storms He walks serene,
And on His people's inward darkness shines;
All may depart--I fret not nor repine,
While I my Saviour's am, while He is mine.

While here, alas! I know but half His love,
But half discern Him, and but half adore;
But when I meet Him in the realms above,
I hope to love him better, praise Him more,
And feel, and tell, amid the choir divine,
How fully I am His, and He is mine.
... J. Quarles (1624-1665) & Henry F. Lyte (1793-1847),
Miscellaneous Poems, London: Rivingtons, 1868, p. 75
See the book at http://cqod.com/r/rs101

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Quiet time reflection:
Lord, may I wholly love and praise You.

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See the new CQOD Scripture Index
http://www.cqod.com/cqodscr0.htm

I Always Wondered About That

TODAY'S CLEAN LAUGH

During a summer break from my studies at an engineering university, I worked in a scrap yard repairing construction equipment. One afternoon, I was taking apart a piling hammer that had some very large bolts holding it together. One of the nuts had corroded onto the bolt, so I started heating the nut with an oxyacetylene torch. As I was doing this, one of the dimmest apprentices I have ever known came along and asked me what I was doing. I patiently explained that if I heated the nut, it would grow larger and release its grip on the bolt so I could then remove it.

"So things get larger when they get hot, do they?" he asked.

Suddenly, an idea flashed into my mind. "Yes," I said, "that's why days are longer in summer and shorter in winter."

There was a long pause, then his face cleared. "You know, I always wondered about that," he said.

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

And I might add: "They reproduce and vote!!!!!"

Tech Smoke

A guy rings tech support to report that his computer is faulty.

Tech: What's the problem?

User: There is smoke coming out of the power supply.

Tech: You'll need a new power supply.

User: No, I don't! I just need to change the startup files.

Tech: Sir, the power supply is faulty. You'll need to replace it.

User: No way! Someone told me that I just needed to change the startup files and it will fix the problem! All I need is for you to tell me the command.

Ten minutes later, the User is still adamant that they are right. The tech is frustrated and fed up.

Tech: Sorry, Sir. We don't normally tell our customers this, but there is an undocumented DOS command that will fix the problem.

User: I knew it!

Tech: Just add the line LOAD NOSMOKE.COM at the end of the CONFIG.SYS. Let me know how it goes.

Ten minutes later.

User: It didn't work. The power supply is still smoking.

Tech: Well, what version of DOS are you using?

User: MS-DOS 6.22.

Tech: That's your problem there. That version of DOS didn't come with NOSMOKE. Contact Microsoft and ask them for a patch that will give you the file. Let me know how it goes.

One hour later.

User: I need a new power supply.

Tech: How did you come to that conclusion?

User: Well, I rang Microsoft and told him about what you said, and he started asking questions about the make of power supply.

Tech: Then what did he say?

User: He told me that my power supply isn't compatible with NOSMOKE

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

The Wicker Basket

The story is told of an old man who lived on a farm in the
mountains of eastern Kentucky with his young grandson.
Each morning, Grandpa was up early sitting at the kitchen
table reading from his old worn-out Bible. His grandson
who wanted to be just like him tried to imitate him in any way
he could.

One day the grandson asked, 'Papa, I try to read the Bible
just like you but I don't understand it, and what I do
understand I forget as soon as I close the book. What good
does reading the Bible do?' The Grandfather quietly turned
from putting coal in the stove and said, 'Take this old
wicker coal basket down to the river and bring back a
basket of water.'

The boy did as he was told, even though all the water
leaked out be fore he could get back to the house. The
grandfather laughed and said, 'You will have to move a little
faster next time,' and sent him back to the river with the
basket to try again. This time the boy ran faster, but again
the old wicker basket was empty before he returned home.
out of breath, he told his grandfather th at it was 'impossible
to carry water in a basket,' and he went to get a bucket instead.
The old man said, 'I don't want a bucket of water; I want a
basket of water. You can do this. You're just not trying hard
enough,' and he went out the door to watch the boy try again.

At this point, the boy knew it was impossible, but he wanted
to show his grandfather that even if he ran as fast as he could,
the water would leak out before he got far at all. The boy
scooped the water and ran hard, but when he reached his
grandfather the basket was again empty. Out of breath, he said,
'See Papa, it's useless!'

'So you think it is useless?' The old man said, 'Look at the basket.'

The boy looked at the basket and for the first time he realized
that the basket looked different. Instead of a dirty old wicker
coal basket, it was clean.

'Son, that's what happens when you read the Bible. You might not
understand or remember everything, but when you read it, it will
change you from the inside out.'

Moral of the wicker basket story: Take time to read a portion of
God's word each day; it will affect you for good even if you don't
retain a word.

Thought for Today: Gods Love is like the ocean, you can see its
beginnings but not its end.

I really like this story because I don't retain things too well
anymore...old age may have something to do with it but I
just figure my brain just gets overloaded! God isn't concerned
about your brain anyway, He's more concerned about your heart.

Coldness Toward Spouse

This Week's Funny

An old man was lying on his deathbed. He had only hours to live when he suddenly smelled chocolate chip cookies. He loved chocolate chip cookies more than anything in the world.

With his last bit of energy he pulled himself out of bed, struggled across the floor to the stairs, and headed down the stairs into the kitchen. There his wife was baking those aromatic cookies.

As he reached for one—SMACK! He felt a slap across the back of his hand. His wife scolded, "Leave those alone; they're for the funeral!"

—Earliest known source: Tamara Norden, Shorewood, WI, on Prairie Home Companion web site, Fifth Annual Joke Show, (4-1-00); submitted by Brett Kays

Visit PreachingToday.com for more illustrations and preaching resources.

Shopping Plan

TODAY'S CLEAN LAUGH


In the frozen foods department of our local grocery store, I noticed a man shopping with his son.

As I walked by, he checked something off his list, and I heard him whisper conspiratorially to the child;

"You know, if we really mess this up, we'll never have to do it again."

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

Preacher's Best Years

This is an old joke but one of the best Preacher jokes ever!

TODAY'S CLEAN LAUGH

A preacher, who shall we say was "humor impaired," attended a conference to help encourage and better equip pastors for their ministry.

Among the speakers were many well known and dynamic speakers. One such boldly approached the pulpit and, gathering the entire crowd's attention, said, "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman that wasn't my wife!" The crowd was shocked! He followed up by saying, "And that woman was my mother!"

The crowd burst into laughter and delivered the rest of his talk, which went over quite well.

The next week, the pastor decided he'd give this humor thing a try, and use that joke in his sermon. As he surely approached the pulpit that sunny Sunday, he tried to rehearse the joke in his head. It suddenly seemed a bit foggy to him.

Getting to the microphone he said loudly, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of another woman that was not my wife!"

The congregation inhaled half the air in the room.

After standing there for almost 10 seconds in the stunned silence, trying to recall the second half of the joke, the pastor finally blurted out, "...and I can't remember who she was!"

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

Rewiring

TODAY'S CLEAN LAUGH

Because our former small-town parish was not a wealthy one, our pastor was dependent on parishioners for upkeep and maintenance of the church.

Once he asked my husband, Sam, to rewire the confessionals. The only way to reach the wiring was to enter the attic above the altar and crawl over the ceiling by balancing on the rafters.

Concerned for my husband's safety, I waited in a pew.

Unbeknownst to me, some parishioners were congregating in the vestibule. They paid little attention to me, probably assuming I was praying.

Worried about my husband, I looked up toward the ceiling and yelled, "Sam, Sam, are you up there? Did you make it okay?"

There was quite an outburst from the vestibule when Sam's hearty voice echoed down, "Yes, I made it up here just fine!"

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

Now is Passing

From one of Albert Eienstein Books

While people keep waiting and waiting for something big to happen in life, the “now” is passing them by. Do you know how fast a “now” passes? At the rate of 186,000 miles per second, the speed of light. So no matter how much you love and enjoy a particular “now”, that's how fast it becomes a “was”. That “now” is never coming back, and that “was” turns into some”going to be”. So if you don̓?t learn from the “was's”, you're going to have bad “going to be's”. Which completes the cycle by bringing in had “now's”. Thus, the only time you can switch around from a negative to a postive is in the “now”. Because you have to do it now. You can't just think of doing it now because it rapidly becomes a “was” and it's too late. And “going to be”,is you may do it and you may not. So if you do it now, you know it's done and you've got it. If you have a good “now”, you have a good “was”, which leads to a good “going to be”. In other words, by taking advantage of a “now”, you have a good “was”, from which you can learn and change your whole cycle of life.
That's why I never used the word “if” anymore, because an "if" is a never “was”.

Hermanu Minkowski
Physics Teacher

TODAY'S CLEAN LAUGH

If you are an animal lover please visit the link at the bottom of the post. *Hand Dryers* My pastor friend put sanitary hot air hand dryers in the rest rooms at his church and after two weeks took them out. I asked him why and he confessed that they worked fine but when he went in there he saw a sign that read, "For a sample of this week's sermon, push the button." *Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!* http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

EYE LAUGH "Cat and Dog Agents" http://www.cybersalt.org/g06.php?id=120

Masquerade of Innocence

This Week's Funny

A woman was working one night in a Honeybaked Ham store. The store was equipped with security cameras, and she was watching the small, black-and-white monitors when she saw a woman come in the store, walk down the handicapped ramp, and go between two shelves. To the clerk's amazement, this woman grabbed a ham off the shelf and stuffed it up her dress. With the ham wedged between her thighs, the woman waddled toward the door.

The clerk was stunned and wondered what she should do. Should she yell out? Follow the woman?

Just then, the ham dropped out from between the woman's legs. It hit the metal handicapped ramp with a loud bang, and then rolled and clanged to the bottom.

The thief didn't miss a beat. She quickly turned her head and yelled out, "Who threw that ham at me? Who threw that ham at me?" Then she ran out of the store.

—Kevin A. Miller, vice president, Christianity Today International

Visit PreachingToday.com for more illustrations and preaching resources.

Cat Sitting

One night while I was cat-sitting my daughter's indoor feline, it escaped outside. When it failed to return the following morning, I found the beast clinging to a branch about 30 feet up in a spindly tree. Unable to lure it down, I called the fire department.

"We don't do that anymore," the woman dispatcher said. When I persisted, she was polite but firm. "The cat will come down when it gets hungry enough."

"How do you know that?" I asked.

"Have you ever seen a cat skeleton in a tree?" she said.

Two hours later the cat was back, looking for breakfast.

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

Three-Year Argument

The monks at a remote monastery deep in the woods followed a rigid vow of silence. Their vow could only be broken once a year—on Christmas—by one monk. That monk could speak only one sentence. One Christmas, Brother Thomas had his turn to speak and said, "I love the delightful mashed potatoes we have every year with the Christmas roast!" Then he sat down. Silence ensued for 365 days.

The next Christmas, Brother Michael got his turn and said, "I think the mashed potatoes are lumpy, and I truly despise them!" Once again, silence ensued for 365 days.

The following Christmas, Brother Paul rose and said, "I am fed up with this constant bickering!"

—Strive to Humor daily e-mail list (12-19-01); submitted by Doug Diehl, San Antonio, Texas

Visit PreachingToday.com for more illustrations and preaching resources

Meditation:

The people walking in darkness have seen a great light; on
those living in the land of the shadow of death a light has
dawned.
-- Isaiah 9:2 (NIV)

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Quotation:
Visit, I beseech thee, O Lord, this habitation with thy
mercy, and me with thy grace and salvation. Let thy holy
angels pitch their tents round about and dwell here, that no
illusion of the night may abuse me, the spirits of darkness
may not come near to hurt me, no evil or sad accident oppress
me; and let the eternal Spirit of the Father dwell in my soul
and body, filling every corner of my heart with light and
grace. Let no deed of darkness overtake me; and let thy
blessing, most blessed God, be upon me for ever, through Jesus
Christ our Lord. Amen.
... Jeremy Taylor (1613-1667), Holy Living [1650]
See the book at http://cqod.com/r/rs074