Thangs I Learnt Livin' In Texas

Ya'll enjoy............

Thangs I Learnt Livin' In Texas.

1. A possum is a flat animal that sleeps in the middle of the road.

2. There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 of them live in Texas.

3. There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 of them live in Texas, plus a couple no one's seen before.

4. If it grows, it'll stick ya. If it crawls, it'll bite cha.

5. 'Onced' and 'Twiced' are words.

6. It is not a shopping cart, it is a buggy!

7. 'Jaw-P?' means 'Did y'all go to the bathroom?'

8. People actually grow and eat okra.

9. 'Fixinto' is one word.

10. There is no such thing as 'lunch.' There is only dinner and then there is supper.

11. Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're two. We do like a little tea with our sugar.

12. Backwards and forwards means 'I know everything about you.'

13. The word 'jeet' is actually a phrase meaning 'Did you eat?'

14. You don't have to wear a watch, because it doesn't matter what time it is, you work until you're done or it's too

dark to see.

15. You don't PUSH buttons, you MASH EM.

16. 'No. Jew?' is a common response to the question 'Did you bring any beer?'

17. You measure distance in minutes.

18. You switch from heat to A/C in the same day.

19. All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect, or animal.

20. You know what a 'DAWG' is.

21. You carry jumper cables in your car --- for your OWN car.

22. You only own five spices: salt, pepper, Tony's, Tabasco, and Ketchup.

23. The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for local high school sports and motor sports, and gossip.

24. You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.

25. You find 100 degrees Fahrenheit 'a bit warm.'

26. You know all four seasons: Almost summer, summer, still summer, and Christmas.

27. Going to Wal-Mart is a favorite past time known as 'goin' Wal-Martin' or 'off to Wally World.'

28. You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good chicken stew weather.

29. Fried catfish is the other white meat.

30. We don't need no dang driver's Ed. If our mama says we can drive, we can drive dag-nabbit.

31. You understand these jokes and forward them to your Texas friends and those who just wish they were from Texas.

Thank you George C. for this one.

Three for one

When my now 14-year-old daughter was 3 and her younger brother was getting into everything, she asked, "Mommy, can we put him back, now?"

Deciding to take this opportunity as a teaching moment in how siblings should treat each other, I explained to her that we could not put him back - that her brother was a gift from God.

She looked up at me with her big blue eyes and responded, "I understand, Mommy. God didn't want him either."

++++++++++++++++++

Everybody keeps saying that women are smarter than men,
but did you ever see a man wearing a shirt that buttons
down the back?"

~Author Unknown but undoubtedly male

+++++++++++++++++

Cell Phone vs. Bible

I wonder what would happen if we treated our Bible like we treat our cell phones.

What if we carried it around in our purses or pockets?
What if we turned back to go get it if we forgot it?
What if we flipped through it several times a day?
What if we used it to receive messages from the t ext?
What if we treated it like we couldn't live without it?
What if we gave it to kids as gifts?
What if we used it as we traveled?
What if we used it in case of an emergency?
This is something to make you go... Hmm.. . Where is my Bible?

Oh, and one more thing. Unlike our cell phone, we don't ever have to Worry
About our Bible being disconnected because Jesus already paid the bill!

Pass this on to everyone you know that has a cell phone. Makes you stop & think "where are my priorities?"

And no dropped calls!

Sign up with Jesus for Unlimited nights and weekends

Thank you B. Farland for this last one.

Questions from a little girl

This story might provide the answer to the difference of opinion between creationists and evolutionists.

A little girl asked her mother how mankind was created. The mother answered, 'God made Adam and Eve and they had children and then all mankind was made.'

Two days later the girl asked her father the same question. The father answered, 'Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.'

The confused girl returned to her mother and said, 'Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God , and Dad said they developed from monkeys?'

The mother answered, 'Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his.'

Thank you B. Farland for this one!

God's Power

I want you to know about the great and mighty power that God has for us followers. It is the same wonderful power He used when He raised Christ from death and let Him sit at His right side in Heaven. There Christ rules over all forces, authorities, powers, and rulers. He rules over all beings in this world and will rule in the future world as well. God has put all things under the power of Christ, and for the good of the church He has made Him the head of everything. The church is Christ’s body and is filled with Christ who completely fills everything. (Ephesians 1:19-23 Contemporary English Version, ABS)

The logical question is, if the above is true why do we have all the bad stuff in the world today. The answer is in that Almighty God created man with a free will. Man chooses who to follow. When man chooses to follow the Lord Jesus Christ the result is good and that man’s final destination is Heaven where like followers enjoy eternity in it’s beauty. When man chooses his own way and demands to control what he does and thinks then his destiny is with like minded men. That place is called Hell. Such men would not be comfortable in Heaven and God knows this and provides a place for them.

God is in control of this world and he does direct the ultimate outcome of history. At the present time it looks like the forces of evil have the upper hand but those of us who know the power of Almighty God, have no fear that the ultimate outcome will be as God directs. That can only be good for those of us who know Him as Lord and Savior! AMEN!

Banged Up

"What happened?" asked the hospital visitor to the heavily
bandaged man sitting up in bed.

"Well, I went down to Margate at the weekend and decided to
take a ride on the roller coaster. As we came up to the top
of the highest loop, I noticed a little sign by the side of
the track. I tried to read it but it was very small and I
couldn't make it out. I was so curious that I decided to go
round again, but we went by so quickly that I couldn't see
what the sign said. By now, I was determined to read that
sign so I went round a third time. As we reached the top, I
stood up in the car to get a better view."

"And did you manage to see what the sign said this time?"
asked the visitor.

"Yes."

"What did it say?"

"Don't stand up in the car!"

Received from ArcaMax Jokes.

Brought to you by GCFL.net: The Good, Clean Funnies List
A cheerful heart is good medicine... (Prov 17:22a)
Mail address: GCFL, Box 100, Harvest, AL 35749, USA
+++++++++++++++=

The board of education in a nearby town sold off a building that had been a one-room schoolhouse, which the buyer converted into a tavern.

One day an elderly man was walking by the place with his granddaughter. The old man pointed to the building and said, "That's where I used to go to school."

"Really?" asked the girl. "Who was the bartender then?"

This from Pastor Tim

Philosophies of the Famous

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself ~~"Lillian, you should have remained a virgin."
-- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: "No good in a bed, but fine against a wall."
-- Eleanor Roosevelt

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
-- Mark Twain

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.
-- George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
- - Victor Borge

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
-- Mark Twain

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
-- Socrates

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury
-- Groucho Marx

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
Alex Levine

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.
-- Bob Hope

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
-- W.C. Fields

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
-- Will Rogers

Don't worry about avoiding temptation as you grow older, it will avoid you.
-- Winston Churchill

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty, but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
-- Phyllis Diller

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
-- Billy Crystal

The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good, spit it out.

Give me a sense of humor, Lord;
Give me the grace to see a joke,
To get some humor out of life,
And pass it on to other folk.

Amen.

Thank you Earleen, for this one!!

Shocked

I was shocked, confused, bewildered
As I entered Heaven's door,
Not by the beauty of it all,
Nor the lights or its decor.

But it was the folks in Heaven
Who made me sputter and gasp--
The thieves, the liars, the sinners,
The alcoholics and the trash.

There stood the kid from seventh grade
Who swiped my lunch money twice.
Next to him was my old neighbor
Who never said anything nice.

Herb, who I always thought
Was rotting away in hell,
Was sitting pretty on cloud nine,
Looking incredibly well.

I nudged Jesus, "What's the deal?
I would love to hear your take.
How'd all these sinners get up here?
God must've made a mistake.

"And why's everyone so quiet,
So somber - give me a clue."

"Hush, child," He said, "they're all in shock.
No one thought they'd be seeing you."

JUDGE NOT.

Thank you Ron for this one!!!!

Life in a jar

When things in your lives seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and the 2 cups of coffee.

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began , he wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. Thepebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with an unanimous ' 'yes.'

The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty space between the sand The students laughed.

'Now,' said the professor as the laughter subsided, 'I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things--your family, your children, your health, your friends and your favorite passions--and if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.' [Editor's note: I would add one more very important golf ball. That would be our relationship to our Creator, Almighty God and His Son the Lord Jesus Christ. Most Christians will list this as the most important part of their lives.]

'The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house and your car.'

'The sand is everything else--the small stuff. If you put the sand into the jar first,' he continued, 'there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff you will never have room for the things that are important to you.'

'Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your spouse out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal. Take care of the golf balls first--the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand '

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented. The professor smiled. 'I'm glad you asked.'

'It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend.'

Please share this with someone you care about.

I JUST DID

I do not know where this came from so I cannot give credit for it.

Some Good Humor

The Preacher's Son
===================

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting
time the boy should give some thought to choosing a
profession. Like many young men his age, the boy didn't really
know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned
about it. One day, while the boy was away at school, his
father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's
room and placed on his study table four objects.

1. A bible.
2. A silver dollar.
3. A bottle of whisky.
4. And a Playboy magazine.

"I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to
himself. "When he comes home from school today, I'll see
which object he picks up.

If it's the bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and
what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's
going to be a business man, and that would be okay, too. But
if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunken
bum, and Lord, what a shame that would be. And worst of all if
he picks up that magazine he's going to be a skirt-chasing
womanizer."

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's foot-
steps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his
room.

The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave
the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity
in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.

Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm.
He picked up the silver dollar and dropped into his pocket.
He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink, while he admired
this month's centerfold.

"Lord have mercy," the old preacher disgustedly whispered.
"He's gonna run for Congress."


Forward this issue to a friend or send them the link below:
http://www.mountainwings.com/past/8114.htm

Thank you for inviting MountainWings into your mailbox.
Change a life, give a friend MountainWings.
See you tomorrow.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++=

Even though I'm well into my 30's I still stop by my parents house to mow their lawn. One afternoon the young kid next door was cutting his grass at the same time.

"It's punishment for skipping a day of school," he explained. "Why are you still doing your folks' yard?"

"Because I once cut a class when I was your age," I said trying to keep a straight face.

I'm told he's had perfect attendance ever since.

Praise and The Test

There is good news today. When I got up this morning I could see the outline of my hand and fingers with my right eye! Praise the Lord! Until you do not have the use of an eye and then see the vision start to return you cannot appreciate how valuable that capacity happens to be!

Now for some humor!!!

There was a student who wanted to be admitted to the University.

He was smart enough to get through the written test, a GED, and was to appear for the personal interview. Later, as the interview progressed, the interviewer found this boy to be bright since he could answer all the questions correctly. The interviewer got impatient and decided to corner the boy.

"Tell me your choice," said he to the boy, "What's your choice: I shall either ask you ten easy questions or ONE real difficult. Think well before you make up your mind."

The boy thought for a while and said, "My choice is ONE real difficult question."

"Well, good luck to you, you have made your own choice!" said the man on the opposite side. Tell me: What comes first, Day or Night?"

The boy was jolted first but he waited for a while and said: "It's the DAY, sir."

"How???????" the interviewer shot back, smiling. ("At last, I got you!" he said to himself.)

"Sorry sir, you promised me that you will not ask me a SECOND difficult question!"

The student was admitted to the University.

BEST COMEBACK RESPONSE OF THE YEAR

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility...

Q: 'Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?'

A: 'No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.'

Q: 'Officer -- who provided this description?'

A: 'The officer who responded to the scene.'

Q: 'A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust y! our fell ow officers?'

A: 'Yes, sir. With my life.'

Q: 'With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?'

A: 'Yes sir, we do!'

Q: 'And do you have a locker in the room?'

A: 'Yes sir, I do.'

Q: 'And do you have a lock on your locker?'

A: 'Yes sir.'

Q: 'Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?'

A: 'You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.'

The courtroom EXPLODED with laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's 'Best Comeback' line -- and we think he'll win.

The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has limits.
>>>> Albert Einstein

Thank you, P. Davis for this one!!

Good morning! The last several days have been very difficult. I had retinal reattachment surgery on Wednesday. This left me hurting very badly and then the next day I came down with the flu! Thankfully, today I am almost up to normal except trying to learn how to function with only one eye operating normally.

The surgery was on the right eye which is my dominant eye. I didn't realize how much I used the right eye over the left until now. Anyway, for the next three months I am basically with one eye functioning properly. Then I should be able to be fitted with new glasses.

Enjoy the following joke:

Three Blonds Applying for Last Highway Patrol Position available in Texas.

Texas Highway Patrol.

The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, 'So y'all want to be cops, huh?'

The blondes all nodded. The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a folder. Sitting back down, he opened it and pulled out a picture, and said, 'To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities, such as scars and so forth.'

So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds.

'Now,' he said, 'did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?'

The blonde immediately said, 'Yes, I did. He has only one eye!'

The detective shook his head and said, 'Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!'

The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office. The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back and said, 'What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?'

'Yes! He only has one ear!'

The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, 'Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear!! You're excused too!'

The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.

The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, 'This is probably a waste of time, but...' He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, 'All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?'

The blond said, 'I sure did. This man wears contact lenses.'

The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled _expression and said, 'You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?'

The blonde rolled her eyes and said, 'Well, Helloooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses.'

Duct tape or nails

Good Morning,

Yesterday I found out that I have a detached retina in my right eye. Today I will be operated on at noon. As I type this it feels like I have a cloud over my right eye. The doctor says that the operation has a 90 percent chance of success.

The following is far more than humorous. It carries a very important message.

Duct Tape or Nails

A man dies and goes to heaven. Of course, St. Peter meets him at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter says, "Here's how it works. You need 100 points to make it into heaven. You tell me all the good things you've done, and I give you a certain number of points for each item, depending on how good it was. When you reach 100 points, you get in."

"Okay," the man says, "I was married to the same woman for 50 years and never cheated on her, even in my heart."
"That's wonderful," says St.Peter, "that's worth three points!"
"Three points?" he says. "Well, I attended church all my life and supported its ministry with my tithe and service."
"Terrific!" says St.Peter. "That's certainly worth a point."
"One point?!!!" "I started a soup kitchen in my city and worked in a shelter for homeless veterans."
"Fantastic, that's good for two more points," he says.
"Two points!?!! "Exasperated, the man cries. "At this rate the only way I'll get into heaven is by the grace of God."

"Bingo, 100 points! Come on in!"

We often try to fix problems with WD-40 and duct tape. God did it with 3 nails.

AMEN...

Thank you B. Farland for this one!

Quick Note

Quick Note.

A neighbor is taking me to Austin this morning to have the eye doctor look at what is going on with my right eye. We are praying that no major problem is present but there is the outside possibility that it is a torn retina.

Will be back posting the funny and serious stuff soon, Lord willing and the creek don't rise.

Just time for this one:

Unfortunately, getting a new passport required a new photo. As I handed my ten-year-old passport and the new picture to the clerk, I sighed. "I like the original better," I told her.

"Trust me," she said. "Ten years from now, you'll like this one."

Compliments of Pastor Tim

Prescription

This doctor had been seeing an 80 year old woman for most of her life. He finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all her medications that had been prescribed for her.

As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized she had a prescription for birth control pills.

"Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?"

"Yes, they help me sleep at night."

"Mrs. Smith, I can assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that could possible help you sleep."

She reached out and patted the young doctor's knee.

"Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old granddaughter drinks

....................and believe me, it helps me sleep at night."

Thank you B. Farland for this one.

Correction

Correction on last post about the song “Precious Memories”

The correct author is gospel great Thomas Andrew Dorsey.

The story as printed is correct and the author’s name is correct. The assumption that it was the great band leader Dorsey that wrote the story is incorrect.

Interestingly, the Thomas Andrew Dorsey was a blues band leader for singers but after becoming a Christian turned to writing gospel music. For the full explanation of the above go here

Precious Lord

Precious Lord

This is an incredible story!

Precious Lord is one of the most beautiful songs ever written.

The story is absolutely true and correct…..Amazing.

Who Wrote "Precious Lord Take My Hand"

THE BIRTH OF THE SONG PRECIOUS LORD"

Back in 1932, I was 32 years old and a fairly new husband. My wife, Nettie and I were living in a little apartment on Chicago's Southside.

One hot August afternoon I had to go to St. Louis, where I was to be the featured soloist at a large revival meeting. I didn't want to go.

Nettie was in the last month of pregnancy with our first child, but a lot of people were expecting me in St. Louis. I kissed Nettie goodbye, clattered downstairs to our Model A and in a fresh Lake Michigan breeze, chugged out of Chicago on Route 66.

Outside the city, I discovered that in my anxiety at leaving, I had forgotten my music case.

I wheeled around and headed back. I found Nettie sleeping peacefully. I hesitated by her bed... something was strongly telling me to stay. But eager to get on my way and not wanting to disturb Nettie, I shrugged off the feeling and quietly slipped out of the room with my music.

The next night, in the steaming St. Louis heat, the crowd called on me to sing again and again. When I finally sat down a messenger boy ran up with a Western Union telegram.

I ripped open the envelope. Pasted on the yellow sheet were the words: YOUR WIFE JUST DIED.

People were happily singing and clapping around me but I could hardly keep from crying.

I rushed to a phone and called home. All I could hear on the other end was "Nettie is dead. Nettie is dead."

When I got back I learned that Nettie had given birth to a boy. I swung between grief and joy, but that night the baby died. I buried Nettie and our little boy together in the same casket, then I fell apart. For days I closeted myself. I felt that God had done me an injustice.

I didn't want to serve Him any more or write gospel songs.

I just wanted to go back to that jazz world I once knew so well. But then as I hunched alone in that dark apartment those first sad days, I thought back to the afternoon I went to St. Louis.

Something kept telling me to stay with Nettie. Was that something God? Oh, if I had paid more attention to Him that day, I would have stayed and been with Nettie when she died.

>From that moment on I vowed to listen more closely to Him. But still I was lost in grief.

Everyone was kind to me especially a friend, Professor Fry, who seemed to know what I needed.

On the following Saturday evening he took me up to Malone's Poro College, a neighborhood music school. It was quiet. The late evening sun crept through the curtained windows. I sat down at the piano and my hands began to browse over the keys. Something happened to me then. I felt at peace. I felt as though I could reach out and touch God. I found myself playing a melody, once into my head the words just seemed to fall into place:

Precious Lord, take my hand, lead me on, let me stand! I am tired, I am weak, I am worn. Through the storm, through the night lead me on to the light. Take my hand, precious Lord, lead me home.

The Lord gave me these words and melody. He also healed my spirit.

I learned that when we are in our deepest grief, when we feel farthest from God, this is when H e is closest and when we are most open to His restoring power.

And so I go on living for God willingly and joyfully until that day comes when He will take me and gently lead me home.

-Tommy Dorsey


Did you know that Tommy Dorsey wrote this song? I surely didn't.

What a wonderful story of how God CAN heal the brokenhearted!

Beautiful, isn't it?


Worth the reading wasn't it? Think on the message for a while

Thank You, Ron for sending this one to me.

Truth in Taxes

When Pastor Loveday picked up the phone, Special Agent Smith from the IRS was on the line.

"Hello, Pastor Loveday?"

"Yes, this is."

"I'm calling to inquire about a member of your congregation, a Dr. Boes. Do you recognize the name?"

"Yes, he is a member of our congregation. How can I be of service?"

"Well, on last year's tax return, the doctor claimed that he made a sizable tax-deductible contribution to your church? Is it true?"

"Well, I'll have to have my bookkeeper verify this information for you. How much did Dr. Boes say he contributed?"

"Twenty five thousand dollars," answered Agent Smith. "Can you tell me if that's true?"

There is a long pause. "I'll tell you what," replied Pastor Loveday, "Call back tomorrow. I'm sure it will be."

---------------

To see this set to music and many others like it go to:http://llerrah.com/truthintaxes.htm

Three for one today

"Transcribing Confusion"

We were thoroughly confused. While transcribing medical audiotapes, my co-worker came upon the following garbled diagnosis: "This man has pholenfrometry."

Knowing nothing about that particular condition, she double-checked with Doctor Mike Wilson. After listening to the tape, he shook his head.

"This man," he said, translating for her, "has fallen from a tree."


Today's Oneliner

"Since the creation of the Internet, the Earth's rotation has been fueled, primarily, by the collective spinning of English teachers in their graves."


Today's CleanPun - "Giuseppe Spomdalucc"

To impress his date, the young man took her to a very chick Italian restaurant. After sipping some fine wine, he picked up the menu and ordered. "We'll have the Giuseppe Spomdalucci," he said.

"Sorry, sir," said the waiter. "That's the owner."

The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt Communications
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

Three Construction Workers

An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction site.

The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, “You're in charge of sweeping.”

To the Scotsman he say s, “You're in charge of shoveling.”

And to the Chinese guy, “You're in charge of supplies.”

He then says, “Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile.”

So the foreman goes away for a couple hours and when he returns, the pile of sand is untouched.

He asks the Italian, “Why didn't you sweep any of it?”

The Italian replies, “I have no broom. You said to the Chinese guy that he was in charge of supplies, but he has disappeared and I couldn’t find him anywhere.”

Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says, “And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile.”

The Scotsman replies, “You did, but I couldn’t get myself a shovel! You left the Chinese guy in charge of supplies, but I couldn’t find him either.”

The foreman is really angry now and storms off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy ...Just then, the Chinese guy leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells...





“SUPPLIES!!”


Thank you, B Farland for this one!!

Men Are ---- And Plumbers

Men Are Good For Only One Thing

Upset over a newlywed squabble with my husband, I went to my
mother to complain. Trying to console me, my dad said that
men are not all like this all the time.

"Nonsense," I said. "Men are good for only one thing!"

"Yes," my mother interjected, "but how often do you have to
parallel park?"

Received from Docs Daily Chuckle.

Brought to you by GCFL.net: The Good, Clean Funnies List
A cheerful heart is good medicine... (Prov 17:22a)
Mail address: GCFL, Box 100, Harvest, AL 35749, USA

Today's CleanLaugh - "Leaky Pipe" A lady answered her front door to find a plumber standing there. "I'm here to fix the leaky pipe," he announced. "I didn't call a plumber," said the lady. "What?" huffed the plumber. "Aren't you Mrs. Frobisher?" The Frobishers moved out of this house over a year ago," explained the lady. "How do you like that," grunted the plumber. "They call you up and tell you it's an emergency and then they move away!"

The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt Communications http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

Good advice

Who can measure the wealth and wisdom and knowledge of God? Who can understand his decisions or ex­plain what he does?

"Has anyone known the thoughts of the Lord or given Him advice? Has anyone loaned something to the Lord that must be repaid?”

Everything comes from the Lord. All things were made because of Him and will return to Him. Praise the Lord for­ever! Amen.

Dear friends, God is good. So I beg you to offer your bodies to Him as a living sacrifice, pure and pleasing. That’s the most sensible way to serve God. Don't be like the people of this world, but let God change the way you think. Then you will know how to do everything that is good and pleasing to Him.

Romans 11:33 - Romans 12:2 Contemporary English Version, American Bible Society - Modified by post editor.

Tozer Devotional

Pastoral Ministry: Acquaintance, Not Hearsay

And they said to one another, "Did not our heart burn within us while He talked with us on the road, and while He opened the Scriptures to us?" --Luke 24:32

"It is one thing," said Henry Suso, "to hear for oneself a sweet lute, sweetly played, and quite another thing merely to hear about it."

And it is one thing, we may add, to hear truth inwardly for one's very self, and quite another thing merely to hear about it....

We are turning out from the Bible schools of this country year after year young men and women who know the theory of the Spirit-filled life but do not enjoy the experience. These go out into the churches to create in turn a generation of Christians who have never felt the power of the Spirit and who know nothing personally about the inner fire. The next generation will drop even the theory. That is actually the course some groups have taken over the past years.

One word from the lips of the man who has actually heard the lute play will have more effect than a score of sermons by the man who has only heard that it was played. Acquaintance is always better than hearsay. The Root of the Righteous, 99-100.

"Lord, as I wait upon You this morning I want to hear afresh the real sound of the lute. Deliver me from second-hand preaching and teaching. Fill me with a first-hand knowledge of You, so that my message might always be that of an alert eyewitness. Amen."

---

Today's "Insight for Leaders" is taken by permission from the book, Tozer on Christian Leadership, published by WingSpread Publishers

Two Preachers

Reverend Boudreaux was the part-time pastor of the local Cajun Baptist Church, and Pastor Thibodaux was the minister of the Covenant Church across the road. They were both standing by the road, pounding a sign into the ground, that read:

'Da End is Near! Turn You self Around Now! Before It's Too Late!'

As a car sped past them, the driver leaned out his window and yelled, 'You religious nuts!'

From the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash.

Bordeaux turns to Thibodaux and asks, 'Do ya tink maybe da sign should jus say 'Bridge Out'?'

Contributed by B. Farland

New Restaurant

I almost got thrown out of my sister-in-law's house one year
at the holidays. I told them that I was thinking of opening
a restaurant (I did this with a straight face, so they
thought I was serious).

She and her family at the time were vegetarians, but I said
I was going to open a restaurant that specialized in venison
dishes. I was going to call it "The Buck Stops Here," and my
slogan was going to be "Bambi: You've seen the movie. Now,
eat the star!"

Received from Steve Sanderson.

Brought to you by GCFL.net: The Good, Clean Funnies List
A cheerful heart is good medicine... (Prov 17:22a)
Mail address: GCFL, Box 100, Harvest, AL 35749, USA

Blind Date Slap

An 85-year-old widow went on a blind date with a 90-year-old man. When she returned to her daughter's house later that night, she seemed upset.

"What happened, Mother?" the daughter asked.

"I had to slap his face three times!"

"You mean he got fresh?"

"No," she answered, "I thought he was dead."

Thanks to:

The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt Communications
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

Decision

A group of junior-level executives were participating in a management training program. The seminar leader pounded home his point about the need to make decisions and take action on these decisions.

"For instance," he said, "if you had five frogs on a log and three of them decided to jump, how many frogs would you have left on the log?"

The answers from the group were unanimous: "Two."

"Wrong," replied the speaker, "there would still be five because there is a difference between deciding to jump and jumping."

The above illustration is from Pastor Tim and it is an excellent example of what many people do when it comes to accepting Jesus as their Savior and Lord. These people "decide" to accept Jesus but never make the commitment to do so. Is it not possible that these same people then "decide" to call themselves Christians?

Childhood

When my wife's sister, Patty, was very young, she was allowed to have her best friend, a boy named Rory, over to spend the night. As the children grew toward adolescence, their parents knew that someday the sleepovers would have to end.

One night, when Rory and his family were visiting, everyone gathered around the television to watch the Miss America pageant. When Patty asked if Rory could stay over, the parents hesitated, wondering if the time had finally come to discontinue the tradition. At that moment, the pageant host announced a contestant's measurements: 36-22-36.

"Rory," his mom asked, "what are those numbers?"

The boy thought for only a moment before responding, "Ninety-four?"

Rory got to spend the night.

----------------------------

Compliments of Pastor Tim