Thursday, May 28, 2009
Beef Prices
It's a summer holiday weekend and a man walks into a butcher shop which has a sign in the window saying "Ground Sirloin: 29 cents per pound" The man says, "I'm having a cookout this weekend. I'd like 5 pounds of your ground sirloin, please."
The butcher shakes his head and says, "Sorry. I'm all out."
The man, disappointed goes down the street to another butcher shop and asks, "How much is your ground sirloin?"
The proprietor replies, "It's $3.29 per pound."
"Three twenty nine!?!" exclaimed the customer. "Just up the street he sells it for 29 cents!"
The butcher smiles calmly at the gentleman and asks, "Does he have any?"
"No. He's out of it right now."
"Well," says the butcher. "When I don't have any, I can sell it for 19 cents per pound!"
*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Christian Quotation of the Day
May 26, 2009
Feast of Augustine, first Archbishop of Canterbury, 605
Meditation:
Now the Bereans were of more noble character than the
Thessalonians, for they received the message with great
eagerness and examined the Scriptures every day to see if what
Paul said was true.
-- Acts 17:11 (NIV)
_______________________________________________________________
Quotation:
I am verily persuaded that the Lord has more Truth yet to
break forth out of His holy Word. For my part, I cannot
sufficiently bewail the Condition of the Reformed Churches,
who are come to a Period in Religion and will go at present no
farther than the instruments of their Reformation. The
Lutheran can't be drawn to go beyond what Luther saw; and the
Calvinists, you see, stick fast where they were left by that
great man of God, who yet saw not all things... I beseech you,
remember, 'tis an Article of your Church Covenant, that you be
ready to receive whatever Truth shall be made known to you
from the written Word of God.
... John Robinson (1576?-1625) [1620], quoted in The
History of the Puritans, or Protestant Noncomformists,
Daniel Neal, Harper, 1844, vol. 1, p. 269
See the book at http://cqod.com/r/rs068
Feast of Augustine, first Archbishop of Canterbury, 605
Meditation:
Now the Bereans were of more noble character than the
Thessalonians, for they received the message with great
eagerness and examined the Scriptures every day to see if what
Paul said was true.
-- Acts 17:11 (NIV)
_______________________________________________________________
Quotation:
I am verily persuaded that the Lord has more Truth yet to
break forth out of His holy Word. For my part, I cannot
sufficiently bewail the Condition of the Reformed Churches,
who are come to a Period in Religion and will go at present no
farther than the instruments of their Reformation. The
Lutheran can't be drawn to go beyond what Luther saw; and the
Calvinists, you see, stick fast where they were left by that
great man of God, who yet saw not all things... I beseech you,
remember, 'tis an Article of your Church Covenant, that you be
ready to receive whatever Truth shall be made known to you
from the written Word of God.
... John Robinson (1576?-1625) [1620], quoted in The
History of the Puritans, or Protestant Noncomformists,
Daniel Neal, Harper, 1844, vol. 1, p. 269
See the book at http://cqod.com/r/rs068
Saturday, May 23, 2009
The Front Pew
We have just returned from a two week church building job in Hallitsville, TX and am catching up on email. The following humor piece is one of the emails.
*The Front Pew*
An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps.
"Where would you like to sit?" he asked politely.
"The front row please," she answered.
"You really don't want to do that," the usher said. "The pastor is really boring."
"Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired.
"No," he said.
"I'm the pastor's mother," she replied indignantly.
"Do you know who I am?" he asked.
"No," she said.
"Good," he answered, "Let me show you the front pew."
*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh
*The Front Pew*
An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps.
"Where would you like to sit?" he asked politely.
"The front row please," she answered.
"You really don't want to do that," the usher said. "The pastor is really boring."
"Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired.
"No," he said.
"I'm the pastor's mother," she replied indignantly.
"Do you know who I am?" he asked.
"No," she said.
"Good," he answered, "Let me show you the front pew."
*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh
Sunday, May 17, 2009
Let him dig
An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated
each other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be
heard deep into the night.
The old man would shout, 'When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the
grave and come back and haunt you for the re st of your life!' Neighbours
feared him. They believed he practiced black magic, because of the many
strange occurrences that took place in their neighbourhood. The old man
liked the fact that he was feared. To everyone's relief, he died of a
heart attack when he was 98..
His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went
straight to the local bar and began to party, as if there was no
tomorrow..
Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, 'Aren't you afraid that
he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come back
to haunt you for the rest of your life?'
The wife put down her drink and said, 'Let him dig. I had him buried
upside down......'
each other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be
heard deep into the night.
The old man would shout, 'When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the
grave and come back and haunt you for the re st of your life!' Neighbours
feared him. They believed he practiced black magic, because of the many
strange occurrences that took place in their neighbourhood. The old man
liked the fact that he was feared. To everyone's relief, he died of a
heart attack when he was 98..
His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went
straight to the local bar and began to party, as if there was no
tomorrow..
Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, 'Aren't you afraid that
he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come back
to haunt you for the rest of your life?'
The wife put down her drink and said, 'Let him dig. I had him buried
upside down......'
Wednesday, May 06, 2009
Thanks
If we pause to think, we'll have cause to thank.
God's highest gift should awaken man's deepest gratitude.
Thanksgiving is a duty before it's a feeling.
He who forgets the language of gratitude is not likely to be on speaking terms with God.
Hem your blessings with gratitude lest they unravel.
Those blessings are sweetest that are won with prayers and worn with thanks.
Gratitude shouldn't be an occasional incident but a continuous attitude.
A thankful heart enjoys blessings twice--when they're received and when they're remembered.
If you wish your merit to be known, acknowledge that of others.
Think sometimes of all that you have instead of wishing for what you don't.
If you are not thankful for what you got, it is doubtful if you'll be thankful for what you will get.
God is found in two places--one of his dwellings is heaven, and the other is in the meek and hankful heart.
It is better to appreciate things you don't have than to have things you don't appreciate.
An ungrateful person is like a hog under a tree eating acorns, but never looking up to see where they came from.
A thankful heart is not only the greatest virtue but the parent of all other virtues.
We are the objects of God's grace; let him be the object of our gratitude.
Thanksgiving is memory of the heart.
Thank you may be written in small letters but is a capital idea.
If you can't be thankful for what you receive, be thankful for what you escape.
If Christians praised God more, the world would doubt him less.
Appreciation and praise are the lubrication that makes life more enjoyable to us and others.
Thanksgiving is good, but thanksliving is better.
God's giving deserves our thanksgiving.
It is a bad moment for an atheist when he feels grateful--whom does he thank?
Joy thrives in the soul of thanksgiving.
Thanking the Lord in adversity changes burdens into blessings.
I grumbled because I had to get up every morning--until one morning I couldn't get up.
Thanking God for our blessings extends them--failing to thank him will soon end them.
Appreciation is one of the rarest but one of the most beautiful virtues.
No matter how high a man may rise, he must have someone to look up to.
He who is not grateful for the good things he has would not be happy with what he wishes he had.
Anything scarce is valuable--thanks is an example.
It is better to say thank you and not mean it, than to mean it and never say it.
Thankfulness is the soil in which joy thrives.
If a man needs praise--give it to him. He cannot read his tombstone.
-- Croft M. Pentz, The Complete Book of Zingers (Wheaton: Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., 1990).
God's highest gift should awaken man's deepest gratitude.
Thanksgiving is a duty before it's a feeling.
He who forgets the language of gratitude is not likely to be on speaking terms with God.
Hem your blessings with gratitude lest they unravel.
Those blessings are sweetest that are won with prayers and worn with thanks.
Gratitude shouldn't be an occasional incident but a continuous attitude.
A thankful heart enjoys blessings twice--when they're received and when they're remembered.
If you wish your merit to be known, acknowledge that of others.
Think sometimes of all that you have instead of wishing for what you don't.
If you are not thankful for what you got, it is doubtful if you'll be thankful for what you will get.
God is found in two places--one of his dwellings is heaven, and the other is in the meek and hankful heart.
It is better to appreciate things you don't have than to have things you don't appreciate.
An ungrateful person is like a hog under a tree eating acorns, but never looking up to see where they came from.
A thankful heart is not only the greatest virtue but the parent of all other virtues.
We are the objects of God's grace; let him be the object of our gratitude.
Thanksgiving is memory of the heart.
Thank you may be written in small letters but is a capital idea.
If you can't be thankful for what you receive, be thankful for what you escape.
If Christians praised God more, the world would doubt him less.
Appreciation and praise are the lubrication that makes life more enjoyable to us and others.
Thanksgiving is good, but thanksliving is better.
God's giving deserves our thanksgiving.
It is a bad moment for an atheist when he feels grateful--whom does he thank?
Joy thrives in the soul of thanksgiving.
Thanking the Lord in adversity changes burdens into blessings.
I grumbled because I had to get up every morning--until one morning I couldn't get up.
Thanking God for our blessings extends them--failing to thank him will soon end them.
Appreciation is one of the rarest but one of the most beautiful virtues.
No matter how high a man may rise, he must have someone to look up to.
He who is not grateful for the good things he has would not be happy with what he wishes he had.
Anything scarce is valuable--thanks is an example.
It is better to say thank you and not mean it, than to mean it and never say it.
Thankfulness is the soil in which joy thrives.
If a man needs praise--give it to him. He cannot read his tombstone.
-- Croft M. Pentz, The Complete Book of Zingers (Wheaton: Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., 1990).
Monday, May 04, 2009
Where Love Reigns
WHERE LOVE REIGNS
BY H.A. IRONSIDE
“Thou shalt love the Lord thy God”1—If God is loved supremely, no one will violate anything that He has commanded. This covers particularly the first Table of the Law, which sets forth man’s duty to God.
“Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself”2—This originally came from Leviticus 19:18 and covers all of the second Table, for “love worketh no ill to his neighbor.”3
Where love reigns, all else will be as it should be, for no one who truly loves God and his or her neighbor will intentionally wrong either God or neighbor4 All the Law and the prophets hang upon these two Commandments cited by Jesus, for every sin that we commit is either a wrong done to God Himself or to our fellow men. The salvation provided for us is first an atonement to meet all our sins, and second a regeneration to enable us to love God and our neighbor so as to cease from sin.
We have become alienated from God through the Fall. When we are born again by the Word and the Holy Spirit, we receive eternal life. The very nature of this new life is love, and therefore love becomes the controlling principle of the life of the person walking with Christ. Walking not after the flesh but after the Holy Spirit, the righteousness of the Law comes to fulfillment5, and we find it as easy to love God and our neighbor as it was easy before to live in selfishness and ill will toward others. A new power dominates us. This is the positive evidence of the new birth in Christ.6
(1) Deuteronomy 6:5, KJV; Matthew 22:37, KJV. (2) Leviticus 19:18, KJV;
Matthew 22:39, KJV. (3) Romans 13:10, KJV. (4) Matthew 7:12. (5) Romans
8:4. (6) 1 John 3:14; 1 John 5:1—2.
Above from “Foundations for Life” a Billy Graham Library Collection, Copyright 2001 Billy Graham Evangelistic Association.
BY H.A. IRONSIDE
“Thou shalt love the Lord thy God”1—If God is loved supremely, no one will violate anything that He has commanded. This covers particularly the first Table of the Law, which sets forth man’s duty to God.
“Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself”2—This originally came from Leviticus 19:18 and covers all of the second Table, for “love worketh no ill to his neighbor.”3
Where love reigns, all else will be as it should be, for no one who truly loves God and his or her neighbor will intentionally wrong either God or neighbor4 All the Law and the prophets hang upon these two Commandments cited by Jesus, for every sin that we commit is either a wrong done to God Himself or to our fellow men. The salvation provided for us is first an atonement to meet all our sins, and second a regeneration to enable us to love God and our neighbor so as to cease from sin.
We have become alienated from God through the Fall. When we are born again by the Word and the Holy Spirit, we receive eternal life. The very nature of this new life is love, and therefore love becomes the controlling principle of the life of the person walking with Christ. Walking not after the flesh but after the Holy Spirit, the righteousness of the Law comes to fulfillment5, and we find it as easy to love God and our neighbor as it was easy before to live in selfishness and ill will toward others. A new power dominates us. This is the positive evidence of the new birth in Christ.6
(1) Deuteronomy 6:5, KJV; Matthew 22:37, KJV. (2) Leviticus 19:18, KJV;
Matthew 22:39, KJV. (3) Romans 13:10, KJV. (4) Matthew 7:12. (5) Romans
8:4. (6) 1 John 3:14; 1 John 5:1—2.
Above from “Foundations for Life” a Billy Graham Library Collection, Copyright 2001 Billy Graham Evangelistic Association.
Sunday, May 03, 2009
Celibacy
Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.
While attending a Marriage Weekend, Walter and his wife, Ann, listened to the instructor declare, 'It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.'
He then addressed the men, 'Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?'
Walter leaned over, touched Ann's arm gently, and whispered, 'Gold Medal-All-purpose, isn't it?'
And thus began Walter's life of celibacy.
While attending a Marriage Weekend, Walter and his wife, Ann, listened to the instructor declare, 'It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.'
He then addressed the men, 'Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?'
Walter leaned over, touched Ann's arm gently, and whispered, 'Gold Medal-All-purpose, isn't it?'
And thus began Walter's life of celibacy.
Saturday, May 02, 2009
An Additional Poster
My wife, Patty, has joined me on this Blog. Our profile is changed and as time goes on she will be posting from time to time.
Friday, May 01, 2009
Doctor's Orders
| TODAY'S CLEAN LAUGH Doctor: "I see you're over a month late for your appointment. Don't you know that nervous disorders require prompt and regular attention? What's your excuse?" Patient: "I was just following your orders, Doc." Doctor: "Following my orders? What are you talking about? I gave you no such order." Patient: "You told me to avoid people who irritate me." *Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!* http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh |
| EYE LAUGH "Unattended Children" http://www.cybersalt.org/g06.php?id=52 |
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
