There's this guy who shows up at a cabin where these hunters have gathered to hunt bear. Only he shows up without a gun.
The other hunters are very curious. "How you gonna get a bear without a gun?" they ask.
"Do you have a knife?"
"No," says the guy.
"Do you have a club?"
"No," says the guy.
"Don't you worry. I'm gonna get myself a bear. Just wait right here and see."
The guy leaves the cabin and disappears into the hills for several hours.
Eventually he happens upon a bear asleep in his den and he kicks the bear and gets it really angry. As the bear wakes up, he starts to chase after the guy, so the guy starts running back towards the cabin.
Finally the hunters hear him running down the hill and yelling, "Open the cabin door! Open the door!"
They open the door and the guy runs into the cabin and holds the door open behind him. To the terror of the other hunters, an angry bear follows close behind, running into the cabin, too.
Then the guy slams the door shut, and says, "You skin that one. I'll go get another."
*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Sunday, March 28, 2010
The Bagpiper and the Homeless Man
As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back-country.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and being a typical man I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.
There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
Apparently I'm still lost.....
As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and being a typical man I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.
There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
Apparently I'm still lost.....
Friday, March 26, 2010
Good Poem
BEST POEM IN THE WORLD
I was shocked, confused, bewildered
As I entered Heaven's door,
Not by the beauty of it all,
Nor the lights or its decor.
But it was the folks in Heaven
Who made me sputter and gasp--
The thieves, the liars, the sinners,
The alcoholics and the trash.
There stood the kid from seventh grade
Who swiped my lunch money twice.
Next to him was my old neighbor
Who never said anything nice.
Herb, who I always thought
Was rotting away in hell,
Was sitting pretty on cloud nine,
Looking incredibly well.
I nudged Jesus, 'What's the deal?
I would love to hear Your take.
How'd all these sinners get up here?
God must've made a mistake.
'And why is everyone so quiet,
So somber - give me a clue.'
'Hush, child,' He said, 'they're all in shock.
No one thought they'd be seeing you.'
JUDGE NOT!!
Remember...Just going to church doesn't make
you a Christian any more than standing in your
garage makes you a car.
Joyce Meyer
Every saint has a PAST...
Every sinner has a FUTURE!
Now it's your turn... Share this poem.
I was shocked, confused, bewildered
As I entered Heaven's door,
Not by the beauty of it all,
Nor the lights or its decor.
But it was the folks in Heaven
Who made me sputter and gasp--
The thieves, the liars, the sinners,
The alcoholics and the trash.
There stood the kid from seventh grade
Who swiped my lunch money twice.
Next to him was my old neighbor
Who never said anything nice.
Herb, who I always thought
Was rotting away in hell,
Was sitting pretty on cloud nine,
Looking incredibly well.
I nudged Jesus, 'What's the deal?
I would love to hear Your take.
How'd all these sinners get up here?
God must've made a mistake.
'And why is everyone so quiet,
So somber - give me a clue.'
'Hush, child,' He said, 'they're all in shock.
No one thought they'd be seeing you.'
JUDGE NOT!!
Remember...Just going to church doesn't make
you a Christian any more than standing in your
garage makes you a car.
Joyce Meyer
Every saint has a PAST...
Every sinner has a FUTURE!
Now it's your turn... Share this poem.
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
My Friend Today
My Friend Today
I would rather have the sunshine
Of your pleasant smile today,
Than to have on some tomorrow
A belated, grand bouquet.
I would rather have the pleasure
Of your happy presence now,
Than to wait until tomorrow
For some stilted pledge or vow.
I would rather walk with you awhile
Today in friendly mode,
Than to wait until tomorrow comes
To drive along the road.
I'd rather be the present friend
In every gentle way,
So let us make the most of It
While it is called today.
---E. J. Morgan
I would rather have the sunshine
Of your pleasant smile today,
Than to have on some tomorrow
A belated, grand bouquet.
I would rather have the pleasure
Of your happy presence now,
Than to wait until tomorrow
For some stilted pledge or vow.
I would rather walk with you awhile
Today in friendly mode,
Than to wait until tomorrow comes
To drive along the road.
I'd rather be the present friend
In every gentle way,
So let us make the most of It
While it is called today.
---E. J. Morgan
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
A Tribute to WWII, Korean & Nam vets--WOW!!!
WELL worth your time..... See links at bottom of message for the tribute song in this pass along....read to the end and then click on the website -- this is fabulous!
The elderly parking lot attendant wasn't in a good mood!
Neither was Sam Bierstock. It was around 1 a.m., and Bierstock, a Delray Beach , Fla. , eye doctor, business consultant, corporate speaker and musician, was bone tired after appearing at an event.. He pulled up in his car, and the parking attendant began to speak. "I took two bullets for this country and look what I'm doing," he said bitterly.
At first, Bierstock didn't know what to say to the World War II veteran. But he rolled down his window and told the man, "Really, from the bottom of my heart, I want to thank you."
Then the old soldier began to cry. "That really got to me," Bierstock says.
Cut to today.
Bierstock, 58, and John Melnick, 54, of Pompano Beach - a member of Bierstock's band, Dr. Sam and the Managed Care Band - have written a song inspired by that old soldier in the airport parking lot. The mournful "Before You Go" does more than salute those who fought in WWII. It encourages people to go out of their way to thank the aging warriors before they die.
"If we had lost that particular war, our whole way of life would have been shot," says Bierstock, who plays harmonica. "The WW II soldiers are now dying at the rate of about 2,000 every day. I thought we needed to thank them.."
The song is striking a chord. Within four days of Bierstock placing it on the Web, the song and accompanying photo essay have bounced around nine countries, producing tears and heartfelt thanks from veterans, their sons and daughters and grandchildren. "It made me cry," wrote one veteran's son. Another sent an e-mail saying that only after his father consumed several glasses of wine would he discuss " the unspeakable horrors" he and other soldiers had witnessed in places such as Anzio , Iwo Jima, Bataan and Omaha Beach . "I can never thank them enough," the son wrote. "Thank you for thinking about them."
Bierstock and Melnick thought about shipping it off to a professional singer, maybe a Lee Greenwood type, but because time was running out for so many veterans, they decided it was best to release it quickly, for free, on the Web. They've sent the song to Sen. John McCain and others in Washington . Already they have been invited to perform it in Houston for a Veterans Day tribute - this after just a few days on the Web. They hope every veteran in America gets a chance to hear it.
GOD BLESS every EVERY veteran.... and THANK you to those of you veterans who may receive this !
Copy and paste the following link to your browser:
"http://www.beforeyougo.us/play_byg"
The elderly parking lot attendant wasn't in a good mood!
Neither was Sam Bierstock. It was around 1 a.m., and Bierstock, a Delray Beach , Fla. , eye doctor, business consultant, corporate speaker and musician, was bone tired after appearing at an event.. He pulled up in his car, and the parking attendant began to speak. "I took two bullets for this country and look what I'm doing," he said bitterly.
At first, Bierstock didn't know what to say to the World War II veteran. But he rolled down his window and told the man, "Really, from the bottom of my heart, I want to thank you."
Then the old soldier began to cry. "That really got to me," Bierstock says.
Cut to today.
Bierstock, 58, and John Melnick, 54, of Pompano Beach - a member of Bierstock's band, Dr. Sam and the Managed Care Band - have written a song inspired by that old soldier in the airport parking lot. The mournful "Before You Go" does more than salute those who fought in WWII. It encourages people to go out of their way to thank the aging warriors before they die.
"If we had lost that particular war, our whole way of life would have been shot," says Bierstock, who plays harmonica. "The WW II soldiers are now dying at the rate of about 2,000 every day. I thought we needed to thank them.."
The song is striking a chord. Within four days of Bierstock placing it on the Web, the song and accompanying photo essay have bounced around nine countries, producing tears and heartfelt thanks from veterans, their sons and daughters and grandchildren. "It made me cry," wrote one veteran's son. Another sent an e-mail saying that only after his father consumed several glasses of wine would he discuss " the unspeakable horrors" he and other soldiers had witnessed in places such as Anzio , Iwo Jima, Bataan and Omaha Beach . "I can never thank them enough," the son wrote. "Thank you for thinking about them."
Bierstock and Melnick thought about shipping it off to a professional singer, maybe a Lee Greenwood type, but because time was running out for so many veterans, they decided it was best to release it quickly, for free, on the Web. They've sent the song to Sen. John McCain and others in Washington . Already they have been invited to perform it in Houston for a Veterans Day tribute - this after just a few days on the Web. They hope every veteran in America gets a chance to hear it.
GOD BLESS every EVERY veteran.... and THANK you to those of you veterans who may receive this !
Copy and paste the following link to your browser:
"http://www.beforeyougo.us/play_byg"
Sunday, March 21, 2010
Never Be Late
We have been gone for two weeks helping build a church.
Here is a funny story to start things off.
Never Be Late
A local priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish.
A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.
However, he was delayed so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:
"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had also stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his best friend's wife, and taken illicit drugs. I was appalled.
"But as the days went on I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people."
Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies for being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and said: "I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived. In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession."
Moral: Never, never, NEVER-EVER be late.
*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh
Here is a funny story to start things off.
Never Be Late
A local priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish.
A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.
However, he was delayed so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:
"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had also stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his best friend's wife, and taken illicit drugs. I was appalled.
"But as the days went on I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people."
Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies for being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and said: "I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived. In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession."
Moral: Never, never, NEVER-EVER be late.
*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh
Thursday, March 04, 2010
I Saw God's Hand
I saw the hand of God move
Not In the sky with grandiose scheme,
But I saw His hand move among men
In such quiet way that It would seem
That It was not His hand that moved,
But I am certain and am sure because
All things worked out for good;
There Is no doubt, I know It was.
I found one day that Instead of sunshine
Along my way there came a rain;
I also found that beneath those cloudy skies
There was a peace that came with pain.
I saw the walls that I had built
Crumble and fall, and become rubble at my feet,
But I saw them rise again stronger than before,
Because God’s hand built them new and complete.
I thought I could not stand the pain
When injury and Insult were thrown at me,
But I saw God’s hand, a nail-scarred hand,
Reach down from the crucifixion tree,
And take my poor trembling arm,
And lift me up from the stunning blow,
And give my fainting heart new life,
Yes, I saw the hand of God move, I know.
—E. J. Morgan
Not In the sky with grandiose scheme,
But I saw His hand move among men
In such quiet way that It would seem
That It was not His hand that moved,
But I am certain and am sure because
All things worked out for good;
There Is no doubt, I know It was.
I found one day that Instead of sunshine
Along my way there came a rain;
I also found that beneath those cloudy skies
There was a peace that came with pain.
I saw the walls that I had built
Crumble and fall, and become rubble at my feet,
But I saw them rise again stronger than before,
Because God’s hand built them new and complete.
I thought I could not stand the pain
When injury and Insult were thrown at me,
But I saw God’s hand, a nail-scarred hand,
Reach down from the crucifixion tree,
And take my poor trembling arm,
And lift me up from the stunning blow,
And give my fainting heart new life,
Yes, I saw the hand of God move, I know.
—E. J. Morgan
Tuesday, March 02, 2010
School Notes
The following notes from parents excusing their children from attending school have been around a while but if you haven't seen them, I'm sure you will get a kick out of them:
"Please excuse Freddie from being away yesterday because he had the fuel."
"Please accuse Michael from being absent onJanuary 30 because he was aleing."
"George was absent yesterday because of a sore trout."
"Please excuse Betsey from being absent. She was sick and I had her shot."
"Joseph has been absent becuz he had two teeth taken off his face."
"My son is under doctor's care and should not take fisical education. Please execute him."
"Please excuse Ralph from school on Friday. He had very loose vowels."
*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh
"Please excuse Freddie from being away yesterday because he had the fuel."
"Please accuse Michael from being absent onJanuary 30 because he was aleing."
"George was absent yesterday because of a sore trout."
"Please excuse Betsey from being absent. She was sick and I had her shot."
"Joseph has been absent becuz he had two teeth taken off his face."
"My son is under doctor's care and should not take fisical education. Please execute him."
"Please excuse Ralph from school on Friday. He had very loose vowels."
*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh
Monday, March 01, 2010
Horse Looking
One day a man passed by a farm and saw a beautiful horse.
Hoping to buy the animal, he said to the farmer: "I think your horse looks pretty good, so I'll give you $500 for him."
"He doesn't look good, and he's not for sale," the farmer said.
The man insisted, "I think he looks good and I'll up the price to $1000!"
"He doesn't look so good," the farmer said, "but if you want him that much, he's yours."
The next day the man came back raging mad. He went up to the farmer and screamed, "You sold me a blind horse! You cheated me!"
The farmer calmly replied, "I told you he didn't look so good, didn't I?"
*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh
Hoping to buy the animal, he said to the farmer: "I think your horse looks pretty good, so I'll give you $500 for him."
"He doesn't look good, and he's not for sale," the farmer said.
The man insisted, "I think he looks good and I'll up the price to $1000!"
"He doesn't look so good," the farmer said, "but if you want him that much, he's yours."
The next day the man came back raging mad. He went up to the farmer and screamed, "You sold me a blind horse! You cheated me!"
The farmer calmly replied, "I told you he didn't look so good, didn't I?"
*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh
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