Tennis Ball Lesson

A college professor had the mysterious habit of walking into the lecture hall each morning, removing a tennis ball from his jacket pocket. He would set it on the corner of the podium. After giving the lecture for the day, he would once again pick up the tennis ball, place it into his jacket pocket, and leave the room. No one ever understood why he did this, until one day. . . .

A student fell asleep during the lecture. The professor never missed a word of his lecture while he walked over to the podium, picked up the tennis ball and threw it, hitting the sleeping student squarely on the top of the head.

The next day, the professor walked into the room, reached into his jacket, removed a baseball. . . No one ever fell asleep in his class the rest of the semester!

The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt Communications
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

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Yup, Sho'Nuff, It'S A-Comin'!!!

Three strangers strike up a conversation in the airport passenger lounge in El Paso, Texas, while awaiting their respective flights. One is an American Indian from Lame Deer, Montana; another is a Texas cowboy on his way to Dallas for a livestock show; and the third passenger is a fundamentalist Arab student,newly arrived in the U.S. from the Middle East.

Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon, the two Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim and the conversation falls into an uneasy lull. The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table, and tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face.

The wind outside is blowing tumbleweeds around, and the old windsock is flapping; but still no plane comes.

Finally, the American Indian clears his throat and softly he speaks, "At one time here, my people were many, but sadly, now we are few."

The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward. "Once my people were few,"he sneers,"and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?"

The cowboy shifts his toothpick to one side of his mouth, and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says in a smooth drawl: "That's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet, but I do believe it's a-comin'!"

Thank you B. Farland for this one.

Fifty Dollars is Fifty Dollars

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, 'Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter.'

Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars'

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, 'Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.'

To this, Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'

The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word its fifty dollars.'

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.

When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'

Morris replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!'

Thank You B. Farland for this one.

A Song From A Soldier

If I die before you wake...

Back home now I know you're probably sleepin'
Over here it's the middle of the day
I finally found the time to write a letter
Sittin' here a half a world away

I heard about all them folks protestin'
As if I really want this war
But that don't stop me from believin'
There's just some things worth fightin' for

CHORUS
And if I die before you wake,
I pray the world will take
A good look at what God's given us
That we could only understand,
everything is in his hands
All we need is a little faith and trust
I want you to know it ain't too high a price to pay
If I die before you wake

Tell everybody that I miss them
And I can't wait to get back home
But until then I'll serve my country
And be proud to wear this uniform

CHORUS
And if I die before you wake,
I pray the world will take
A good look at what God's given us
That we could only understand,
everything is in his hands
All we need is a little faith and trust
I want you to know it ain't too high a price to pay
If I die before you wake

No it ain't too high a price to pay
If I die before you wake

Go Gently with the Flow

"GO GENTLY WITH THE FLOW"

If the sky above seems cloudy,
And you are left out in the rain,
If you are searching for a rainbow,
But the colors bring you pain,

If your world is not revolving,
And there is no end in sight,
If you are looking for the sunshine,
But all you see is night,

If all around are smiling,
But all you can do is frown,
If you are tired of all this living,
When life just brings you down,

Then look beyond your teardrops,
At the wonders of this land,
The beauty of a flower,
Like velvet in your hand.

Feel the air around you,
The smell of new mown hay,
Laughing children in the park,
The innocence there at play,

Imagine floating with a butterfly,
As she flutters between the trees,
Or the whispers of the ocean,
On warm hot summer's breeze,

Think of the taste of candy floss,
As it melts upon your tongue,
Or the melody of morning birds,
As they greet each day with song,

Remember words of beauty,
Told in your mother's embrace,
Feel the gentleness of her touch,
As she softly kissed your face,

Seek the good within you,
Cast the clouds from your sky,
Don't look toward the pavement,
But hold your head up high,

Think not what life owes you,
But of all you have to give,
Forget about tomorrow,
Then you can start to live.

So bless this age you are living in,
With the gifts you can bestow,
Don't disregard the stream of life,
Go gently with the flow.

Author Unknown

Thank You P. Boney for this one.

Lucy

The following article was just too good not to give it as wide an audience as possible. It teaches a very valuable lesson.

-------------------------------------------------
MountainWings A MountainWings Moment
#8137 Wings Over The Mountains of Life
-------------------------------------------------

LUCY
=====

When a tornado touched down in a small town nearby,
many families were left devastated. Afterward, all the local
newspapers carried many human-interest stories featuring some of
the families who suffered the hardest.

One Sunday, a particular picture especially touched me.
A young woman stood in front of a totally demolished mobile home,
an anguished expression twisting her features.

A young boy, seven or eight years old, stood at her side,
eyes downcast. Clutching at her skirt was a tiny girl who
stared into the camera, eyes wide with confusion and fear.

The article that accompanied the picture gave the clothing
sizes of each family member. With growing interest,
I noticed that their sizes closely matched ours. This would
be a good opportunity to teach my children to help those
less fortunate than themselves.

I taped the picture of the young family to our refrigerator,
explaining their plight to my seven-year-old twins, Brad and
Brett, and to three-year-old Meghan.

"We have so much, and these poor people now have nothing,"
I said. "We'll share what we have with them."

I brought three large boxes down from the attic and placed them
on the living room floor. Meghan watched solemnly as the boys
and I filled one of the boxes with canned goods and other
nonperishable foods, soap and other assorted toiletries.

While I sorted through our clothes, I encouraged the boys to go
through their toys and donate some of their less favorite
things. Meghan watched quietly as the boys piled up discarded
toys and games.

"I'll help you find something for the little girl when I'm done
with this," I said.

The boys placed the toys they had chosen to donate into one of
the boxes while I filled the third box with clothes.

Meghan walked up with Lucy, her worn, faded, frazzled, much-
loved rag doll hugged tightly to her chest.

She paused in front of the box that held the toys, pressed her
round little face into Lucy's flat, painted-on-face, gave her a
final kiss, then laid her gently on top of the other toys.

"Oh, Honey," I said. "You don't have to give Lucy.
You love her so much."

Meghan nodded solemnly, eyes glistening with held-back tears.
"Lucy makes me happy, Mommy.
Maybe she'll make that other little girl happy, too."

Swallowing hard, I stared at Meghan for a long moment, wondering
how I could teach the boys the lesson she had just taught me.
For I suddenly realized that anyone can give their cast-offs
away. True generosity is giving that which you cherish most.

Honest benevolence is a three-year-old offering a treasured,
albeit shabby doll to a little girl she doesn't know with the
hope that it will bring this child as much pleasure as it
brought her.

I, who had wanted to teach, had been taught.

The boys had watched, open-mouthed, as their baby sister placed
her favorite doll in the box. Without a word, Brad rose and
went to his room. He came back carrying one of his favorite
action figures. He hesitated briefly, clutching the toy, then
looked over at Meghan and placed it in the box next to Lucy.

A slow smile spread across Brett's face, then he jumped up, eyes
twinkling as he ran to retrieve some of his prized Matchbox
cars.

Amazed, I realized that the boys had also recognized what little
Meghan's gesture meant. Swallowing back tears, I pulled all
three of them into my arms.

Taking the cue from my little one, I removed my old tan jacket
with the frayed cuffs from the box of clothes. I replaced it
with the new hunter green jacket that I had found on sale last
week. I hoped the young woman in the picture would love it as
much as I did.

It's easy to give that which we don't want anymore but harder to
let go of something that we cherish isn't it?

~Author Unknown~

Thank you for inviting MountainWings in your mailbox.
See you tomorrow.

Garfield on the oil problem.

A lot of folks can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in our country.
~~~
Well, there's a very simple answer.
~~~
Nobody bothered to check the oil.
~~~
We just didn't know we were getting low.
~~~
The reason for that is purely geographical.
~~~
Our OIL is located in
~~~
ALASKA
~~~
California
~~~
Coastal Florida
~~~
Coastal Louisiana
~~~
Kansas
~~~
Oklahoma
~~~
Pennsylvania and Texas
~~~
Our DIPSTICKS are located in Washington, DC !!!

Any Questions???

NO? Didn't think So.

Editor's Note: And now congress has passed a bill declaring the Polar Bear as an endangered species which in essence locks out the largest oil reserve we have in Alaska!

God's Perfect Mistake and The Blue Rose

I have two good pieces today and could not decide between them so here are both items. Enjoy.

My mother's father worked as a carpenter. On this particular day, he was building some crates for the clothes his church was sending to orphanages in China . On his way home, he reached into his shirt pocket to find his glasses, but they were gone. When he mentally replayed his earlier actions, he realized what had happened; the glasses had slipped out of his pocket unnoticed and fallen into one of the crates, which he had nailed shut. His brand new glasses were heading for China !

The Great Depression was at its height and Grandpa had six children. He had spent $20 for those glasses that very morning. He was upset by the thought of having to buy another pair. 'It's not fair,' he told God as he drove home in frustration. 'I've been very faithful in giving of my time and money to your work, and now this.'

Months later, the director of the orphanage was on furlough in the United States . He wanted to visit all the churches that supported him in China , so he came to speak one Sunday at my grandfather's small church in Chicago .

The missionary began by thanking the people for their faithfulness in supporting the orphanage. 'But most of all,' he said, 'I must thank you for the glasses you sent last year. You see, the Communists had just swept through the orphanage, destroying everything, including my glasses. I was desperate. Even if I had the money, there was simply no way of replacing those glasses. Along with not being able to see well, I experienced headaches every day, so my coworkers and I were much in prayer about this.

Then your crates arrived. When my staff removed the covers, they found a pair of glasses lying on top.

The missionary paused long enough to let his words sink in. Then, still gripped with the wonder of it all, he continued: 'Folks, when I tried on the glasses, it was as though they had been custom made just for me! I want to thank you for being a part of that.'

The people listened, happy for the miraculous glasses. But the missionary surely must have confused their church with another, they thought. There were no glasses on their list of items to be sent overseas.

But sitting quietly in the back, with tears streaming down his face, an ordinary carpenter realized the Master Carpenter had used him in an extraordinary way.

There are times we want to blame God instead of thanking him!

I have to remember this in these times of trial with my own family.

May GOD bless your week. Look for the perfect mistakes.

'People are like tea bags- - you have to put them in hot water before you know how strong they are.'

Now isn't that just like God to do something like that?

Peace is not the absence of trouble. Peace is the presence of God.

'The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases, his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.' Lamentations 3:22

Thank You O. Campbell for this one.

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Blue Roses by Pastor Hal Steenson

It was time for me to do my 'Dollar Store' run, which included light bulbs, paper towels, trash bags and Clorox. So off I go. I scurried around the store, gathered up my goodies, and headed for the checkout counter only to be blocked in the narrow aisle by a young man that appeared to be about sixteen years old.

I wasn't in a hurry, so I patiently waited for the boy to realize that I was there. This was when he waved his hands excitedly in the air and declared in a loud voice, 'Mommy, I'm over here.' It was obvious now, he was mentally challenged, and also startled as he turned and saw me standing so close to him, waiting to squeeze by. His
eyes widened and surprise exploded on his face as I said, 'Hey Buddy, what's your name?'

'My name is Denny and I'm shopping with my mother,' he responded proudly.

'Wow,' I said, 'that's a cool name; I wish my name was Denny, but m y name is Hal.'

'Hal like Halloween?' he asked.

'Yes,' I answered. 'How old are you Denny?

'How old am I now Mommy?' he asked his mother as she slowly came over from the next aisle. 'You're fifteen years old Denny; now be a good boy and let the man pass by.'

I acknowledged her and continued to talk to Denny for several more minutes about summer, bicycles and school. I watched his brown eyes dance with excitement because he was the center of someone's attention. He then abruptly turned and headed toward the toy section.

Denny's mom had a puzzled look on her face and thanked me for taking the time to talk with her son. She told me that most people wouldn't even look at him, much less talk to him. I told her that it was my pleasure and then I said something I have no idea where it came from, other than by the prompting of the Holy Spirit.

I told her that there are plenty of red, yellow and pink roses in God's garden, however, 'Blue Roses' are very rare and should be appreciated for their beauty and distinctiveness. You see, Denny is a 'Blue Rose' and if someone doesn't stop and smell that rose with their heart and touch that rose with their kindness, then they've missed a blessing from God.

She was silent for a second, then with a tear in her eye she asked, 'Who are you?'

Without thinking I said, 'Oh, I'm probably just a 'daffodil or maybe even a dandelion,' but I sure love living in God's garden.

Please the next time you see a BLUE ROSE don't turn your head and walk off, take the time to smile and say Hello. Because by the grace of GOD this mother could be you. This could be your child, grandchild, niece, nephew. What a difference a moment can mean to that person or their family.

From another old daffodil

Discontent

The following was written by: ~Craig R. Smith and Jay Leno~

The other day I was reading Newsweek magazine and came across
some poll data I found rather hard to believe. It must be
true, given the source, right?

The Newsweek poll alleges that 67% of Americans are unhappy
with the direction the country is headed, and 69% of the
country is unhappy with the performance of the President.
In essence, two-thirds of the citizenry just ain't happy and
wants a change.

So being the knuckle dragger that I am, I started thinking,
"What're we so unhappy about?"

Is it that we have electricity and running water 24/7?
Is our unhappiness the result of having A/C in the summer and
heating in the winter?

Could it be that 95.4% of these unhappy folks have a job?
Maybe it's the ability to walk into a grocery store at any
time, and see more food in moments than Darfur has seen in the
last year?

Maybe it's the ability to drive from the Pacific Ocean to the
Atlantic Ocean without having to present identification papers
as we move through each state?
Or possibly the hundreds of clean and safe motels we'd find
along the way that can provide temporary shelter?

I guess having thousands of restaurants with varying cuisine
from around the world is just not good enough.

Or could it be that when we wreck our cars, emergency workers
show up and provide services to help all, and even send a
helicopter to take you to the hospital.

Perhaps you are one of the 70% of Americans who own a home.
You may be upset with knowing that in the unfortunate case of
a fire, a group of trained firefighters will appear in moments
and use top notch equipment to extinguish the flames, thus
saving you, your family, and your belongings.

Or if, while at home watching one of your many flat screen
TVs, a burglar or prowler intrudes, an officer equipped with a
gun and a bullet-proof vest will come to defend you and your
family against attack or loss.

This all in the backdrop of a neighborhood free of bombs or
militias raping and pillaging the residents. Neighborhoods
where 90% of teenagers own cell phones and computers.

How about the complete religious, social and political
freedoms we enjoy that are the envy of everyone in the world?

Maybe that's what has 67% of you folks unhappy.

Fact is, we're the largest group of ungrateful, spoiled brats
the world has ever seen. No wonder the world loves the USA,
yet has a great disdain for its citizens. They see us for what
we are: the most blessed people in the world who do nothing
but complain about what we don't have, and what we hate about
the country instead of thanking the good Lord we live here.

I know, I know. What about the President who took us into
war and has no plan to get us out? The President who has a
measly 31% approval rating? Is this the same President who
guided the nation in the dark days after 9/11? The President
who cut taxes to bring an economy out of a recession? Could
this be the same guy who's been called every name in the book
for succeeding in keeping all the spoiled ungrateful brats
safe from terrorist attacks?

The Commander-in-Chief of an all-volunteer army that's out
there defending you and me? Did you hear how bad the President
is on the news or on a talk show? Did this news affect you so
much, make you so unhappy, that you couldn't take a look
around for yourself and see all the good things and be glad?

Think about it. Are you upset at the President because he
actually caused you personal pain OR is it because the media
told you he was failing to kiss your sorry ungrateful behind
every day?

Make no mistake about it. The troops in Iraq and Afghanistan
have volunteered to serve, and in many cases may have died for
your freedom. There's currently no draft in this country. They
didn't have to go.

They're able to refuse to go and end up with either a
"general" discharge, an "other than honorable" discharge or,
worst case scenario, a "dishonorable" discharge after a few
days in the brig.

So why then the flat-out discontent in the minds of 69% of
Americans? Say what you want, but I blame it on the media. If
it bleeds, it leads; and they specialize in bad news.
Everybody will watch a car crash with blood and guts. How many
will watch kids selling lemonade at the corner? The media
knows this, and media outlets are for-profit corporations.
They offer what sells, and when criticized, try to defend
their actions by justifying them in one way or another.

Stop buying the negativism you're fed every day by the media.
Shut off the TV, burn Newsweek, and use the New York Times for
the bottom of your birdcage. Then start being grateful for
all we have as a country. There is exponentially more good
than bad.

We're among the most blessed people on Earth, and should thank
God several times a day, or at least be thankful and
appreciative.

With hurricanes, tornadoes, fires out of control, mud slides,
flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one
end to another, and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist
attacks, are we sure this is a good time to take God out of
the Pledge of Allegiance?
~Craig R. Smith and Jay Leno~

Listen for the Bell

I am late posting today, many things to catch up on after the trip to Houston.

The following came in an email with pictures but the thoughts are worth passing on without the pictures.

++++++++++++++++++++
What a beautiful message!

Just up the road from my home is a field, with two horses in it.

From a distance, each horse looks like any other horse. But if you stop your car, or are walking by, you will notice something quite amazing....

Looking into the eyes of one horse will disclose that he is blind. His owner has chosen not to have him put down, but has made a good home for him.

This alone is amazing.

If you stand nearby and listen, you will hear the sound of a bell.

Looking around for the source of the sound, you

will see that it comes from the smaller horse in the field.

Attached to the horse's halter is a small bell.

It lets the blind friend know where the other horse is, so he can follow.

As you stand and watch these two friends, you'll see that the horse with the bell is always checking on the blind horse, and that the blind horse will listen for the bell and then slowly walk to where the other horse is, trusting that he will not be led astray.

When the horse with the bell returns to the shelter of the barn each evening, it stops occasionally and looks back, making sure that the blind friend isn't too far behind to hear the bell.

Like the owners of these two horses, God does not throw us away just because we are not perfect or because we have problems or challenges.

He watches over us and even brings others into our lives to help us when we are in need.

Sometimes we are the blind horse being guided by the little ringing bell of those who God places in our lives. Other times we are the guide horse, helping others to find their way....

Good friends are like that ... You may not always see them, but you know they are always there.

Please listen for my bell and I'll listen for yours.

And remember... Be kinder than necessary - Everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.

Live simply, Love generously, Care deeply, Speak kindly....

Leave the rest to God

Thank you B. Farland for this one.

It's only a quarter

Several years ago, a preacher from out-of-state accepted a call to a church in Houston, Texas Some weeks after he arrived, he had an occasion to ride the bus from his home to the downtown area. When he sat down, he discovered that the driver had accidentally given him a quarter too much change. As he considered what to do, he thought to himself, You'd better give the quarter back. It would be wrong to keep it ..' Then he thought, 'Oh, forget it, it's only a quarter. Who would worry about this little amount? Anyway, the bus company gets too much fare; they will never miss it. Accept it as 'a gift from God' and keep quiet.' When his stop came, he paused momentarily at the door, then he handed the quarter to the driver and said, 'Here, you gave me too much change.' The driver, with a smile, replied, 'Aren't you the new preacher in town? I have been thinking a lot lately about going somewhere to worship. I just wanted to see what you would do if I gave you too much change. I'll see you at church on Sunday.' When the preacher stepped off of the bus, he literally grabbed the nearest light pole, held on, and said, 'Oh God, I almost sold your Son for a quarter.' Our lives are the only Bible some people will ever read. This is a really scary example of how much people watch us as Christians and will put us to the test! Always be on guard and remember that you carry the name of Christ on your shoulders when you call yourself 'Christian'. Watch your thoughts; they become words. Watch your words; they become actions. Watch y our actions; they become habits. Watch your habits, they become character. Watch your character; it becomes your destiny. The Will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not PROTECT you...Stay FAITHFUL and be GRATEFUL

On Line Again

On line once again. Got back home this afternoon from a very rewarding trip to Houston and Livingston, Texas.

The following is from Pastor Tim at: http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

In a remote village in Central America the word got out among the peoples of the region that one of the American missionaries that had served this country for many years was about to return to the US to live our the remaining years of her life.

The nationals desired to honor her for her years of service with a public time of appreciation. News of the event went to all parts of the country in which the missionary was known to the people. One very old and very poor man walked to the ceremony over mountainous terrain for 4 days to bring his gift to the missionary.

The gift consisted of 2 coconuts, but it was all the man had. The missionary recognized the man as coming from the remote village in the mountains.

"Brother, I cannot believe that you would walk so far to present me with this gift," said the missionary to the man.

His response? "Long walk part of gift."
- Author Unknown

Wet Pants

Wet Pants

Come with me to a third grade classroom.....

There is a nine-year-old kid sitting at his desk and all of a sudden, there is a puddle between his feet and the front of his pants are wet. He thinks his heart is going to stop because he cannot possibly imagine how this has happened. It's never happened before, and he knows that when the boys find out he will never hear the end of it. When the girls find out, they'll never speak to him again as long as he lives. The boy believes his heart is going to stop; he puts his head down and prays this prayer, 'Dear God, this is an emergency! I need help now! Five minutes from now I'm dead meat.'

He looks up from his prayer and here comes the teacher with a look in her eyes that says he has been discovered. As the teacher is walking toward him, a classmate named Susie is carrying a goldfish bowl that is filled with water. Susie trips in front of the teacher and inexplicably dumps the bowl of water in the boy's lap. The boy pretends to be angry, but all the while is saying to himself, 'Thank you, Lord! Thank you, Lord!' Now all of a sudden, instead of being the object of ridicule, the boy is the object of sympathy.

The teacher rushes him downstairs and gives him gym shorts to put on while his pants dry out. All the other children are on their hands and knees cleaning up around his desk. The sympathy is wonderful. But as life would have it, the ridicule that should have been his has been transferred to someone else - Susie. She tries to help, but they tell her to get out. You've done enough, you klutz!'

Finally, at the end of the day, as they are waiting for the bus, the boy walks over to Susie and whispers, 'You did that on purpose, didn't you?' Susie whispers back, 'I wet my pants once too.'

May God help us see the opportunities that are always around us to do good..

Remember.....Just going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in your garage makes you a car.

Each and everyone one of us is going through tough times right now, but God is getting ready to bless you in a way that only He can. Keep the faith.

Family and Good Friends Are Like Stars. * *You Don't Always See Them, But You Always Know They Are There !!! * * *

Monday Morning

This may be my last post for several days. I am taking a trip to see my daughter and son in Houston and then some friends outside of Houston.

If I find a place where there is Internet access, I will update the Blog.

See you in a couple days.

I couldn't close this off without a little humor. Depending on your political position, this may not be funny. Depending on what part of the country you live in, it may not make much sense. Any way here it is, enjoy or not it is up to you.

++++++++++++++++++

Are you a Democrat, Republican, or Southerner?
Here is a little test that will help you decide.
The answer can be found by posing the following question:

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, an Islamic terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife and charges at you.
You are carrying a 40 cal Glock, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?

Democrat's Answer:
Well, that's not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor! Or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids?
What does the law say about this situation?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children? Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me? Should I call 9-1-1? Why is this street so deserted?

Republican's Answer:
BANG!

Southerner's Answer:
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
Click..... (Sounds of reloading) BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
Click
Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hydra-shock hollow points?
Son: Can I shoot the next one?
Wife: You Ain't Taking That To The Taxidermist!

Texicans

Although I am a transplanted Texan, came here 47 years ago, I consider myself a Texan and proud of it!!
The following is a bit long. Outsiders may not want to read the whole thing but a true Texan will read the whole thing with great pride!!

So you want to know everything about us Texicans?

When you're from Texas, people that you meet ask you questions like:
"Do you have any cows?"
"Do you have horses?"
"Betcha got a bunch of guns, eh?"

They all want to know if you've been to Southfork. They watched Dallas.

Have you ever looked at a map of the world? Look at Texas with me just for a second. That picture, with the Panhandle and the Gulf Coast, and the Red River and the Rio Grande is as much a part of you as anything ever will be.

As soon as anyone anywhere in the world looks at it they know what it is.

It's Texas. Pick any kid off the street in Japan and draw him a picture of Texas in the dirt and he'll know what it is. What happens if I show you a picture of any other state? You might get it maybe after a second or two, but who else would? And even if you do, does it ever stir any feelings in you?

Inside every man, woman and child on this planet, there is a person who wishes just once he could be a real live Texan and get up on a horse or ride off in a pickup. There is some bit of Texas in everyone.

Did you ever hear anyone in a bar go, "Wow...so you're from Iowa? Cool, tell me about it?" Do you know why? Because there's no place like Texas.

Texas is the Alamo. Texas is 183 men standing in a church, facing thousands of Mexican nationals, fighting for freedom, who had the chance to walk out and save themselves, but stayed instead to fight and die for the cause of freedom. We send our kids to schools named William B. Travis and James Bowie and David Crockett and do you know why? Because those men saw a line in the sand and they decided to cross it and be heroes. John Wayne paid to do the movie himself.

That is the Spirit of Texas.

Texas is Sam Houston capturing Santa Ana at San Jacinto. We have schools named for him, also.

Texas is Juneteenth (June 19th) and Texas Independence Day (March 2). Texas is huge forests of Piney Woods like the Davy Crockett National Forest in East Texas. Texas is the breathtaking Davis Mountains in the Big Bend. Texas is the McDonald Observatory in West Texas.

Texas is the unparalleled beauty of bluebonnet fields in the Texas Hill Country.

Texas is the beautiful, warm beaches of the Gulf Coast.

Texas is the shiny skyscrapers in Houston and Dallas.

Texas is the River Walk in San Antonio

Texas is world-record bass from places like Lake Fork.

Texas is Mexican food like nowhere else, not even Mexico.

Texas is the Fort Worth Stockyards, Bass Hall in Ft. Worth, the Ballpark in Arlington, and the Astrodome in Houston. Texas is Dallas or "Big D". Texas is the Pala Dura Canyon near Amarillo.

Texas is the oil industry.

Texas is larger-than-life legends like Willie Nelson, Buddy Holly, Waylon Jennings, Janis Joplin, Kris Kristofferson, Coach Tom Landry, Coach Darrell Royal, "Babe" Didrikson Zaharias, ZZ Top, "Big Bopper", Jim Reeves, George Jones, George Straight, Tommy Lee Jones, Mary Martin, Eric Dickerson, Earl Campbell, Nolan Ryan, Dr. Denton Cooley, Dr. Michael DeBakey, House Speaker Sam Rayburn, Rep. Barbara Jordan, Pres. George Bush, Pres. Lyndon B. Johnson, and Pres. George W. Bush.

Texas is great companies like Dell Computer, Texas Instruments, Blue Bell Ice-cream, and Lockheed Martin Aerospace, home of the F-16 Jet Fighter and the JSF Fighter.

Texas is NASA.

Texas is huge herds of cattle and miles of crops.

Texas is skies blackened with doves, and fields full of deer.

Texas is the Longhorns and the Aggies.

Texas is a place where cities shut down to watch the local High School Football game on Friday nights and for the Cowboys on Monday Night Football.

Texas is ocean beaches, deserts, lakes and rivers, mountains and prairies, and modern cities.

Texas even has its own power grid!!

If it isn't in Texas, you don't need it.

No one does anything bigger or better than it's done in Texas.

By federal law, Texas is the only state in the U.S. that can fly its flag at the same height as the U.S. flag. Think about that for a second. You fly the Stars and Stripes at 20 feet in Maryland, California, or Maine and your state flag, whatever it is, goes at 17 feet. You fly the Stars and Stripes in front of Pine Tree High in Longview at 20 feet, the Lone Star flies at the same height - 20 feet.

Do you know why? Because it is the only state that was a republic before it became a state.

Also, being a Texan is as high as being an American down here.

Our capitol is the only one in the country that is taller than the capitol building in Washington, D.C. and we can divide our state into five states at any time if we wanted to! (Which of course, we don't!) We included these things as part of the deal when we came on. That's the best part, right there.

If you are a REAL TEXAN you won't even need to be told to pass this on!

Thank You Linda P. for this great piece.

Good News

The following is from the my daughter's pastor's Blog. When she forwarded it to me I knew it had to get a bigger audience.

Weary of the Roger Clemens soap opera?

I remember a scene in a Steve Martin movie from years gone by. He is walking down the street of this peaceful town that reminded me a little of Vail, Colorado. He slips a quarter in the newspaper machine [What is that thing called?] and pulls out a paper. He glances at the front page and shrieks in horror. He digs another quarter out of his pocket and throws the paper back in the dispenser. He once again begins his walk and whistles.

That is the way I feel about the news lately. I am weary of politics, recession, ethanol and its effect on the food chain, and candidates telling me that even a small rebate on gas prices really won't help that much. So what do I do? I turn to Sports Center on ESPN. The lead story? Roger Clemens.

I went for a long walk.

In the middle of the week I came across a story that renewed my confidence in the American way of life. If you missed it, this story happened in a remote part of Oregon.

Western Oregon's girls softball team was playing Central Washington's girls team. The winner went to the Division Two Championship Tournament. The loser went home for the summer.

In that game diminutive Sara Tucholsky stepped to the plate. She was a part time starter with a career that could be considered average at best. As a senior this might be her last game as a competitive athlete. The Central Oregon fans heckled her for her petite stature. There were two runners on base. In all of her years of softball, Sara had never hit a home run until this day. One swing of the bat and the ball flew over the fence. HOME RUN!!!

In her excitement rounding the bases, she missed first base. As she went back to tag the base, she turned awkwardly and twisted her knee. She fell to the ground in excruciating pain. She found out later that she had torn her ACL.

This is where the story gets a little complicated. Even though the ball cleared the fence, she had to touch the bases for it to be a homerun. There she lay on the ground very near first base. Her coach desperately wanted to help her, but she was still in "live play." Her coach's intervention would have caused her to be called out; the home run would have been nullified. I am still unclear how all of this would have impacted the runners who scored in front of her.

That is when the first baseman for Central, a star player who had hit many home runs, asked if there was a rule against her carrying her around the bases. The umpire said no. Another Central player came and carried Sara around the bases. They would near a base and slow down. They gingerly placed Sara's left foot on the bag and continued their journey until they touched home.

Their act of sportsmanship hurt their own team. Had they left her there, the best Western could have done was to count the hit as a single and it would have taken runs off the board.

Central lost the game…in some part due to this act of sportsmanship. They did the right thing, even when it cost them.

One day Sara Tucholsky will tell her kids of the day she hit her one and only home run in college in her very last at bat. It is the stuff that childhood fantasies are built on. She will then get to tell them how the other team carried her around the bases. What a great legacy to pass on.

Somewhere in Oregon this weekend Mallory Holtman and Liz Wallace will watch as other Oregon schools go to play in the national tournament as they sit home. They will, however, have the joy of knowing they did the right thing.

When you think of over paid, selfish athletes and become frustrated, remember these two girls from Oregon.

By the way, the play should have never happened. As soon as the runner was unable to carry on, the play should have been called dead and a substitute runner brought in. I am glad that the umps had no clue what to do.

Click on this link to read the whole story: http://sports.espn.go.com/ncaa/columns/story?columnist=hays_graham&id=3372631


Jersey Village Baptist Church
Ed Hogan, Pastor
16518 Jersey Drive
Houston, TX 77040
http://www.jvbc.org

Vegetables

A single friend of mine probably won't make a great mother.
She was visiting with a friend and her friend's baby when
the friend had to use the restroom.

Being left to watch the infant for a bit, the single friend
asked, "What'll I do if he cries?"

"Feed him some vegetables," the mother called back.

It turns out that jalapeno isn't the baby's favorite.

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.

Brought to you by GCFL.net: The Good, Clean Funnies List
A cheerful heart is good medicine... (Prov 17:22a)
Mail address: GCFL, Box 100, Harvest, AL 35749, USA

Thangs I Learnt Livin' In Texas

Ya'll enjoy............

Thangs I Learnt Livin' In Texas.

1. A possum is a flat animal that sleeps in the middle of the road.

2. There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 of them live in Texas.

3. There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 of them live in Texas, plus a couple no one's seen before.

4. If it grows, it'll stick ya. If it crawls, it'll bite cha.

5. 'Onced' and 'Twiced' are words.

6. It is not a shopping cart, it is a buggy!

7. 'Jaw-P?' means 'Did y'all go to the bathroom?'

8. People actually grow and eat okra.

9. 'Fixinto' is one word.

10. There is no such thing as 'lunch.' There is only dinner and then there is supper.

11. Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're two. We do like a little tea with our sugar.

12. Backwards and forwards means 'I know everything about you.'

13. The word 'jeet' is actually a phrase meaning 'Did you eat?'

14. You don't have to wear a watch, because it doesn't matter what time it is, you work until you're done or it's too

dark to see.

15. You don't PUSH buttons, you MASH EM.

16. 'No. Jew?' is a common response to the question 'Did you bring any beer?'

17. You measure distance in minutes.

18. You switch from heat to A/C in the same day.

19. All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect, or animal.

20. You know what a 'DAWG' is.

21. You carry jumper cables in your car --- for your OWN car.

22. You only own five spices: salt, pepper, Tony's, Tabasco, and Ketchup.

23. The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for local high school sports and motor sports, and gossip.

24. You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.

25. You find 100 degrees Fahrenheit 'a bit warm.'

26. You know all four seasons: Almost summer, summer, still summer, and Christmas.

27. Going to Wal-Mart is a favorite past time known as 'goin' Wal-Martin' or 'off to Wally World.'

28. You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good chicken stew weather.

29. Fried catfish is the other white meat.

30. We don't need no dang driver's Ed. If our mama says we can drive, we can drive dag-nabbit.

31. You understand these jokes and forward them to your Texas friends and those who just wish they were from Texas.

Thank you George C. for this one.

Three for one

When my now 14-year-old daughter was 3 and her younger brother was getting into everything, she asked, "Mommy, can we put him back, now?"

Deciding to take this opportunity as a teaching moment in how siblings should treat each other, I explained to her that we could not put him back - that her brother was a gift from God.

She looked up at me with her big blue eyes and responded, "I understand, Mommy. God didn't want him either."

++++++++++++++++++

Everybody keeps saying that women are smarter than men,
but did you ever see a man wearing a shirt that buttons
down the back?"

~Author Unknown but undoubtedly male

+++++++++++++++++

Cell Phone vs. Bible

I wonder what would happen if we treated our Bible like we treat our cell phones.

What if we carried it around in our purses or pockets?
What if we turned back to go get it if we forgot it?
What if we flipped through it several times a day?
What if we used it to receive messages from the t ext?
What if we treated it like we couldn't live without it?
What if we gave it to kids as gifts?
What if we used it as we traveled?
What if we used it in case of an emergency?
This is something to make you go... Hmm.. . Where is my Bible?

Oh, and one more thing. Unlike our cell phone, we don't ever have to Worry
About our Bible being disconnected because Jesus already paid the bill!

Pass this on to everyone you know that has a cell phone. Makes you stop & think "where are my priorities?"

And no dropped calls!

Sign up with Jesus for Unlimited nights and weekends

Thank you B. Farland for this last one.

Questions from a little girl

This story might provide the answer to the difference of opinion between creationists and evolutionists.

A little girl asked her mother how mankind was created. The mother answered, 'God made Adam and Eve and they had children and then all mankind was made.'

Two days later the girl asked her father the same question. The father answered, 'Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.'

The confused girl returned to her mother and said, 'Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God , and Dad said they developed from monkeys?'

The mother answered, 'Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his.'

Thank you B. Farland for this one!

God's Power

I want you to know about the great and mighty power that God has for us followers. It is the same wonderful power He used when He raised Christ from death and let Him sit at His right side in Heaven. There Christ rules over all forces, authorities, powers, and rulers. He rules over all beings in this world and will rule in the future world as well. God has put all things under the power of Christ, and for the good of the church He has made Him the head of everything. The church is Christ’s body and is filled with Christ who completely fills everything. (Ephesians 1:19-23 Contemporary English Version, ABS)

The logical question is, if the above is true why do we have all the bad stuff in the world today. The answer is in that Almighty God created man with a free will. Man chooses who to follow. When man chooses to follow the Lord Jesus Christ the result is good and that man’s final destination is Heaven where like followers enjoy eternity in it’s beauty. When man chooses his own way and demands to control what he does and thinks then his destiny is with like minded men. That place is called Hell. Such men would not be comfortable in Heaven and God knows this and provides a place for them.

God is in control of this world and he does direct the ultimate outcome of history. At the present time it looks like the forces of evil have the upper hand but those of us who know the power of Almighty God, have no fear that the ultimate outcome will be as God directs. That can only be good for those of us who know Him as Lord and Savior! AMEN!

Banged Up

"What happened?" asked the hospital visitor to the heavily
bandaged man sitting up in bed.

"Well, I went down to Margate at the weekend and decided to
take a ride on the roller coaster. As we came up to the top
of the highest loop, I noticed a little sign by the side of
the track. I tried to read it but it was very small and I
couldn't make it out. I was so curious that I decided to go
round again, but we went by so quickly that I couldn't see
what the sign said. By now, I was determined to read that
sign so I went round a third time. As we reached the top, I
stood up in the car to get a better view."

"And did you manage to see what the sign said this time?"
asked the visitor.

"Yes."

"What did it say?"

"Don't stand up in the car!"

Received from ArcaMax Jokes.

Brought to you by GCFL.net: The Good, Clean Funnies List
A cheerful heart is good medicine... (Prov 17:22a)
Mail address: GCFL, Box 100, Harvest, AL 35749, USA
+++++++++++++++=

The board of education in a nearby town sold off a building that had been a one-room schoolhouse, which the buyer converted into a tavern.

One day an elderly man was walking by the place with his granddaughter. The old man pointed to the building and said, "That's where I used to go to school."

"Really?" asked the girl. "Who was the bartender then?"

This from Pastor Tim

Philosophies of the Famous

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself ~~"Lillian, you should have remained a virgin."
-- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: "No good in a bed, but fine against a wall."
-- Eleanor Roosevelt

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
-- Mark Twain

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.
-- George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
- - Victor Borge

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
-- Mark Twain

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
-- Socrates

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury
-- Groucho Marx

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
Alex Levine

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.
-- Bob Hope

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
-- W.C. Fields

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
-- Will Rogers

Don't worry about avoiding temptation as you grow older, it will avoid you.
-- Winston Churchill

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty, but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
-- Phyllis Diller

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
-- Billy Crystal

The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good, spit it out.

Give me a sense of humor, Lord;
Give me the grace to see a joke,
To get some humor out of life,
And pass it on to other folk.

Amen.

Thank you Earleen, for this one!!

Shocked

I was shocked, confused, bewildered
As I entered Heaven's door,
Not by the beauty of it all,
Nor the lights or its decor.

But it was the folks in Heaven
Who made me sputter and gasp--
The thieves, the liars, the sinners,
The alcoholics and the trash.

There stood the kid from seventh grade
Who swiped my lunch money twice.
Next to him was my old neighbor
Who never said anything nice.

Herb, who I always thought
Was rotting away in hell,
Was sitting pretty on cloud nine,
Looking incredibly well.

I nudged Jesus, "What's the deal?
I would love to hear your take.
How'd all these sinners get up here?
God must've made a mistake.

"And why's everyone so quiet,
So somber - give me a clue."

"Hush, child," He said, "they're all in shock.
No one thought they'd be seeing you."

JUDGE NOT.

Thank you Ron for this one!!!!

Life in a jar

When things in your lives seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and the 2 cups of coffee.

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began , he wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. Thepebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with an unanimous ' 'yes.'

The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty space between the sand The students laughed.

'Now,' said the professor as the laughter subsided, 'I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things--your family, your children, your health, your friends and your favorite passions--and if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.' [Editor's note: I would add one more very important golf ball. That would be our relationship to our Creator, Almighty God and His Son the Lord Jesus Christ. Most Christians will list this as the most important part of their lives.]

'The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house and your car.'

'The sand is everything else--the small stuff. If you put the sand into the jar first,' he continued, 'there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff you will never have room for the things that are important to you.'

'Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your spouse out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal. Take care of the golf balls first--the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand '

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented. The professor smiled. 'I'm glad you asked.'

'It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend.'

Please share this with someone you care about.

I JUST DID

I do not know where this came from so I cannot give credit for it.

Some Good Humor

The Preacher's Son
===================

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting
time the boy should give some thought to choosing a
profession. Like many young men his age, the boy didn't really
know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned
about it. One day, while the boy was away at school, his
father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's
room and placed on his study table four objects.

1. A bible.
2. A silver dollar.
3. A bottle of whisky.
4. And a Playboy magazine.

"I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to
himself. "When he comes home from school today, I'll see
which object he picks up.

If it's the bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and
what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's
going to be a business man, and that would be okay, too. But
if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunken
bum, and Lord, what a shame that would be. And worst of all if
he picks up that magazine he's going to be a skirt-chasing
womanizer."

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's foot-
steps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his
room.

The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave
the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity
in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.

Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm.
He picked up the silver dollar and dropped into his pocket.
He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink, while he admired
this month's centerfold.

"Lord have mercy," the old preacher disgustedly whispered.
"He's gonna run for Congress."


Forward this issue to a friend or send them the link below:
http://www.mountainwings.com/past/8114.htm

Thank you for inviting MountainWings into your mailbox.
Change a life, give a friend MountainWings.
See you tomorrow.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++=

Even though I'm well into my 30's I still stop by my parents house to mow their lawn. One afternoon the young kid next door was cutting his grass at the same time.

"It's punishment for skipping a day of school," he explained. "Why are you still doing your folks' yard?"

"Because I once cut a class when I was your age," I said trying to keep a straight face.

I'm told he's had perfect attendance ever since.

Praise and The Test

There is good news today. When I got up this morning I could see the outline of my hand and fingers with my right eye! Praise the Lord! Until you do not have the use of an eye and then see the vision start to return you cannot appreciate how valuable that capacity happens to be!

Now for some humor!!!

There was a student who wanted to be admitted to the University.

He was smart enough to get through the written test, a GED, and was to appear for the personal interview. Later, as the interview progressed, the interviewer found this boy to be bright since he could answer all the questions correctly. The interviewer got impatient and decided to corner the boy.

"Tell me your choice," said he to the boy, "What's your choice: I shall either ask you ten easy questions or ONE real difficult. Think well before you make up your mind."

The boy thought for a while and said, "My choice is ONE real difficult question."

"Well, good luck to you, you have made your own choice!" said the man on the opposite side. Tell me: What comes first, Day or Night?"

The boy was jolted first but he waited for a while and said: "It's the DAY, sir."

"How???????" the interviewer shot back, smiling. ("At last, I got you!" he said to himself.)

"Sorry sir, you promised me that you will not ask me a SECOND difficult question!"

The student was admitted to the University.

BEST COMEBACK RESPONSE OF THE YEAR

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility...

Q: 'Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?'

A: 'No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.'

Q: 'Officer -- who provided this description?'

A: 'The officer who responded to the scene.'

Q: 'A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust y! our fell ow officers?'

A: 'Yes, sir. With my life.'

Q: 'With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?'

A: 'Yes sir, we do!'

Q: 'And do you have a locker in the room?'

A: 'Yes sir, I do.'

Q: 'And do you have a lock on your locker?'

A: 'Yes sir.'

Q: 'Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?'

A: 'You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.'

The courtroom EXPLODED with laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's 'Best Comeback' line -- and we think he'll win.

The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has limits.
>>>> Albert Einstein

Thank you, P. Davis for this one!!

Good morning! The last several days have been very difficult. I had retinal reattachment surgery on Wednesday. This left me hurting very badly and then the next day I came down with the flu! Thankfully, today I am almost up to normal except trying to learn how to function with only one eye operating normally.

The surgery was on the right eye which is my dominant eye. I didn't realize how much I used the right eye over the left until now. Anyway, for the next three months I am basically with one eye functioning properly. Then I should be able to be fitted with new glasses.

Enjoy the following joke:

Three Blonds Applying for Last Highway Patrol Position available in Texas.

Texas Highway Patrol.

The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, 'So y'all want to be cops, huh?'

The blondes all nodded. The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a folder. Sitting back down, he opened it and pulled out a picture, and said, 'To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities, such as scars and so forth.'

So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds.

'Now,' he said, 'did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?'

The blonde immediately said, 'Yes, I did. He has only one eye!'

The detective shook his head and said, 'Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!'

The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office. The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back and said, 'What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?'

'Yes! He only has one ear!'

The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, 'Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear!! You're excused too!'

The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.

The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, 'This is probably a waste of time, but...' He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, 'All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?'

The blond said, 'I sure did. This man wears contact lenses.'

The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled _expression and said, 'You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?'

The blonde rolled her eyes and said, 'Well, Helloooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses.'

Duct tape or nails

Good Morning,

Yesterday I found out that I have a detached retina in my right eye. Today I will be operated on at noon. As I type this it feels like I have a cloud over my right eye. The doctor says that the operation has a 90 percent chance of success.

The following is far more than humorous. It carries a very important message.

Duct Tape or Nails

A man dies and goes to heaven. Of course, St. Peter meets him at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter says, "Here's how it works. You need 100 points to make it into heaven. You tell me all the good things you've done, and I give you a certain number of points for each item, depending on how good it was. When you reach 100 points, you get in."

"Okay," the man says, "I was married to the same woman for 50 years and never cheated on her, even in my heart."
"That's wonderful," says St.Peter, "that's worth three points!"
"Three points?" he says. "Well, I attended church all my life and supported its ministry with my tithe and service."
"Terrific!" says St.Peter. "That's certainly worth a point."
"One point?!!!" "I started a soup kitchen in my city and worked in a shelter for homeless veterans."
"Fantastic, that's good for two more points," he says.
"Two points!?!! "Exasperated, the man cries. "At this rate the only way I'll get into heaven is by the grace of God."

"Bingo, 100 points! Come on in!"

We often try to fix problems with WD-40 and duct tape. God did it with 3 nails.

AMEN...

Thank you B. Farland for this one!

Quick Note

Quick Note.

A neighbor is taking me to Austin this morning to have the eye doctor look at what is going on with my right eye. We are praying that no major problem is present but there is the outside possibility that it is a torn retina.

Will be back posting the funny and serious stuff soon, Lord willing and the creek don't rise.

Just time for this one:

Unfortunately, getting a new passport required a new photo. As I handed my ten-year-old passport and the new picture to the clerk, I sighed. "I like the original better," I told her.

"Trust me," she said. "Ten years from now, you'll like this one."

Compliments of Pastor Tim

Prescription

This doctor had been seeing an 80 year old woman for most of her life. He finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all her medications that had been prescribed for her.

As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized she had a prescription for birth control pills.

"Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?"

"Yes, they help me sleep at night."

"Mrs. Smith, I can assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that could possible help you sleep."

She reached out and patted the young doctor's knee.

"Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old granddaughter drinks

....................and believe me, it helps me sleep at night."

Thank you B. Farland for this one.

Correction

Correction on last post about the song “Precious Memories”

The correct author is gospel great Thomas Andrew Dorsey.

The story as printed is correct and the author’s name is correct. The assumption that it was the great band leader Dorsey that wrote the story is incorrect.

Interestingly, the Thomas Andrew Dorsey was a blues band leader for singers but after becoming a Christian turned to writing gospel music. For the full explanation of the above go here

Precious Lord

Precious Lord

This is an incredible story!

Precious Lord is one of the most beautiful songs ever written.

The story is absolutely true and correct…..Amazing.

Who Wrote "Precious Lord Take My Hand"

THE BIRTH OF THE SONG PRECIOUS LORD"

Back in 1932, I was 32 years old and a fairly new husband. My wife, Nettie and I were living in a little apartment on Chicago's Southside.

One hot August afternoon I had to go to St. Louis, where I was to be the featured soloist at a large revival meeting. I didn't want to go.

Nettie was in the last month of pregnancy with our first child, but a lot of people were expecting me in St. Louis. I kissed Nettie goodbye, clattered downstairs to our Model A and in a fresh Lake Michigan breeze, chugged out of Chicago on Route 66.

Outside the city, I discovered that in my anxiety at leaving, I had forgotten my music case.

I wheeled around and headed back. I found Nettie sleeping peacefully. I hesitated by her bed... something was strongly telling me to stay. But eager to get on my way and not wanting to disturb Nettie, I shrugged off the feeling and quietly slipped out of the room with my music.

The next night, in the steaming St. Louis heat, the crowd called on me to sing again and again. When I finally sat down a messenger boy ran up with a Western Union telegram.

I ripped open the envelope. Pasted on the yellow sheet were the words: YOUR WIFE JUST DIED.

People were happily singing and clapping around me but I could hardly keep from crying.

I rushed to a phone and called home. All I could hear on the other end was "Nettie is dead. Nettie is dead."

When I got back I learned that Nettie had given birth to a boy. I swung between grief and joy, but that night the baby died. I buried Nettie and our little boy together in the same casket, then I fell apart. For days I closeted myself. I felt that God had done me an injustice.

I didn't want to serve Him any more or write gospel songs.

I just wanted to go back to that jazz world I once knew so well. But then as I hunched alone in that dark apartment those first sad days, I thought back to the afternoon I went to St. Louis.

Something kept telling me to stay with Nettie. Was that something God? Oh, if I had paid more attention to Him that day, I would have stayed and been with Nettie when she died.

>From that moment on I vowed to listen more closely to Him. But still I was lost in grief.

Everyone was kind to me especially a friend, Professor Fry, who seemed to know what I needed.

On the following Saturday evening he took me up to Malone's Poro College, a neighborhood music school. It was quiet. The late evening sun crept through the curtained windows. I sat down at the piano and my hands began to browse over the keys. Something happened to me then. I felt at peace. I felt as though I could reach out and touch God. I found myself playing a melody, once into my head the words just seemed to fall into place:

Precious Lord, take my hand, lead me on, let me stand! I am tired, I am weak, I am worn. Through the storm, through the night lead me on to the light. Take my hand, precious Lord, lead me home.

The Lord gave me these words and melody. He also healed my spirit.

I learned that when we are in our deepest grief, when we feel farthest from God, this is when H e is closest and when we are most open to His restoring power.

And so I go on living for God willingly and joyfully until that day comes when He will take me and gently lead me home.

-Tommy Dorsey


Did you know that Tommy Dorsey wrote this song? I surely didn't.

What a wonderful story of how God CAN heal the brokenhearted!

Beautiful, isn't it?


Worth the reading wasn't it? Think on the message for a while

Thank You, Ron for sending this one to me.

Truth in Taxes

When Pastor Loveday picked up the phone, Special Agent Smith from the IRS was on the line.

"Hello, Pastor Loveday?"

"Yes, this is."

"I'm calling to inquire about a member of your congregation, a Dr. Boes. Do you recognize the name?"

"Yes, he is a member of our congregation. How can I be of service?"

"Well, on last year's tax return, the doctor claimed that he made a sizable tax-deductible contribution to your church? Is it true?"

"Well, I'll have to have my bookkeeper verify this information for you. How much did Dr. Boes say he contributed?"

"Twenty five thousand dollars," answered Agent Smith. "Can you tell me if that's true?"

There is a long pause. "I'll tell you what," replied Pastor Loveday, "Call back tomorrow. I'm sure it will be."

---------------

To see this set to music and many others like it go to:http://llerrah.com/truthintaxes.htm

Three for one today

"Transcribing Confusion"

We were thoroughly confused. While transcribing medical audiotapes, my co-worker came upon the following garbled diagnosis: "This man has pholenfrometry."

Knowing nothing about that particular condition, she double-checked with Doctor Mike Wilson. After listening to the tape, he shook his head.

"This man," he said, translating for her, "has fallen from a tree."


Today's Oneliner

"Since the creation of the Internet, the Earth's rotation has been fueled, primarily, by the collective spinning of English teachers in their graves."


Today's CleanPun - "Giuseppe Spomdalucc"

To impress his date, the young man took her to a very chick Italian restaurant. After sipping some fine wine, he picked up the menu and ordered. "We'll have the Giuseppe Spomdalucci," he said.

"Sorry, sir," said the waiter. "That's the owner."

The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt Communications
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

Three Construction Workers

An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction site.

The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, “You're in charge of sweeping.”

To the Scotsman he say s, “You're in charge of shoveling.”

And to the Chinese guy, “You're in charge of supplies.”

He then says, “Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile.”

So the foreman goes away for a couple hours and when he returns, the pile of sand is untouched.

He asks the Italian, “Why didn't you sweep any of it?”

The Italian replies, “I have no broom. You said to the Chinese guy that he was in charge of supplies, but he has disappeared and I couldn’t find him anywhere.”

Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says, “And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile.”

The Scotsman replies, “You did, but I couldn’t get myself a shovel! You left the Chinese guy in charge of supplies, but I couldn’t find him either.”

The foreman is really angry now and storms off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy ...Just then, the Chinese guy leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells...





“SUPPLIES!!”


Thank you, B Farland for this one!!

Men Are ---- And Plumbers

Men Are Good For Only One Thing

Upset over a newlywed squabble with my husband, I went to my
mother to complain. Trying to console me, my dad said that
men are not all like this all the time.

"Nonsense," I said. "Men are good for only one thing!"

"Yes," my mother interjected, "but how often do you have to
parallel park?"

Received from Docs Daily Chuckle.

Brought to you by GCFL.net: The Good, Clean Funnies List
A cheerful heart is good medicine... (Prov 17:22a)
Mail address: GCFL, Box 100, Harvest, AL 35749, USA

Today's CleanLaugh - "Leaky Pipe" A lady answered her front door to find a plumber standing there. "I'm here to fix the leaky pipe," he announced. "I didn't call a plumber," said the lady. "What?" huffed the plumber. "Aren't you Mrs. Frobisher?" The Frobishers moved out of this house over a year ago," explained the lady. "How do you like that," grunted the plumber. "They call you up and tell you it's an emergency and then they move away!"

The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt Communications http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

Good advice

Who can measure the wealth and wisdom and knowledge of God? Who can understand his decisions or ex­plain what he does?

"Has anyone known the thoughts of the Lord or given Him advice? Has anyone loaned something to the Lord that must be repaid?”

Everything comes from the Lord. All things were made because of Him and will return to Him. Praise the Lord for­ever! Amen.

Dear friends, God is good. So I beg you to offer your bodies to Him as a living sacrifice, pure and pleasing. That’s the most sensible way to serve God. Don't be like the people of this world, but let God change the way you think. Then you will know how to do everything that is good and pleasing to Him.

Romans 11:33 - Romans 12:2 Contemporary English Version, American Bible Society - Modified by post editor.

Tozer Devotional

Pastoral Ministry: Acquaintance, Not Hearsay

And they said to one another, "Did not our heart burn within us while He talked with us on the road, and while He opened the Scriptures to us?" --Luke 24:32

"It is one thing," said Henry Suso, "to hear for oneself a sweet lute, sweetly played, and quite another thing merely to hear about it."

And it is one thing, we may add, to hear truth inwardly for one's very self, and quite another thing merely to hear about it....

We are turning out from the Bible schools of this country year after year young men and women who know the theory of the Spirit-filled life but do not enjoy the experience. These go out into the churches to create in turn a generation of Christians who have never felt the power of the Spirit and who know nothing personally about the inner fire. The next generation will drop even the theory. That is actually the course some groups have taken over the past years.

One word from the lips of the man who has actually heard the lute play will have more effect than a score of sermons by the man who has only heard that it was played. Acquaintance is always better than hearsay. The Root of the Righteous, 99-100.

"Lord, as I wait upon You this morning I want to hear afresh the real sound of the lute. Deliver me from second-hand preaching and teaching. Fill me with a first-hand knowledge of You, so that my message might always be that of an alert eyewitness. Amen."

---

Today's "Insight for Leaders" is taken by permission from the book, Tozer on Christian Leadership, published by WingSpread Publishers

Two Preachers

Reverend Boudreaux was the part-time pastor of the local Cajun Baptist Church, and Pastor Thibodaux was the minister of the Covenant Church across the road. They were both standing by the road, pounding a sign into the ground, that read:

'Da End is Near! Turn You self Around Now! Before It's Too Late!'

As a car sped past them, the driver leaned out his window and yelled, 'You religious nuts!'

From the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash.

Bordeaux turns to Thibodaux and asks, 'Do ya tink maybe da sign should jus say 'Bridge Out'?'

Contributed by B. Farland

New Restaurant

I almost got thrown out of my sister-in-law's house one year
at the holidays. I told them that I was thinking of opening
a restaurant (I did this with a straight face, so they
thought I was serious).

She and her family at the time were vegetarians, but I said
I was going to open a restaurant that specialized in venison
dishes. I was going to call it "The Buck Stops Here," and my
slogan was going to be "Bambi: You've seen the movie. Now,
eat the star!"

Received from Steve Sanderson.

Brought to you by GCFL.net: The Good, Clean Funnies List
A cheerful heart is good medicine... (Prov 17:22a)
Mail address: GCFL, Box 100, Harvest, AL 35749, USA

Blind Date Slap

An 85-year-old widow went on a blind date with a 90-year-old man. When she returned to her daughter's house later that night, she seemed upset.

"What happened, Mother?" the daughter asked.

"I had to slap his face three times!"

"You mean he got fresh?"

"No," she answered, "I thought he was dead."

Thanks to:

The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt Communications
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

Decision

A group of junior-level executives were participating in a management training program. The seminar leader pounded home his point about the need to make decisions and take action on these decisions.

"For instance," he said, "if you had five frogs on a log and three of them decided to jump, how many frogs would you have left on the log?"

The answers from the group were unanimous: "Two."

"Wrong," replied the speaker, "there would still be five because there is a difference between deciding to jump and jumping."

The above illustration is from Pastor Tim and it is an excellent example of what many people do when it comes to accepting Jesus as their Savior and Lord. These people "decide" to accept Jesus but never make the commitment to do so. Is it not possible that these same people then "decide" to call themselves Christians?

Childhood

When my wife's sister, Patty, was very young, she was allowed to have her best friend, a boy named Rory, over to spend the night. As the children grew toward adolescence, their parents knew that someday the sleepovers would have to end.

One night, when Rory and his family were visiting, everyone gathered around the television to watch the Miss America pageant. When Patty asked if Rory could stay over, the parents hesitated, wondering if the time had finally come to discontinue the tradition. At that moment, the pageant host announced a contestant's measurements: 36-22-36.

"Rory," his mom asked, "what are those numbers?"

The boy thought for only a moment before responding, "Ninety-four?"

Rory got to spend the night.

----------------------------

Compliments of Pastor Tim