A Tribute to WWII, Korean & Nam vets--WOW!!!

WELL worth your time..... See links at bottom of message for the tribute song in this pass along....read to the end and then click on the website -- this is fabulous!


The elderly parking lot attendant wasn't in a good mood!


Neither was Sam Bierstock. It was around 1 a.m., and Bierstock, a Delray Beach , Fla. , eye doctor, business consultant, corporate speaker and musician, was bone tired after appearing at an event.. He pulled up in his car, and the parking attendant began to speak. "I took two bullets for this country and look what I'm doing," he said bitterly.


At first, Bierstock didn't know what to say to the World War II veteran. But he rolled down his window and told the man, "Really, from the bottom of my heart, I want to thank you."

Then the old soldier began to cry. "That really got to me," Bierstock says.

Cut to today.

Bierstock, 58, and John Melnick, 54, of Pompano Beach - a member of Bierstock's band, Dr. Sam and the Managed Care Band - have written a song inspired by that old soldier in the airport parking lot. The mournful "Before You Go" does more than salute those who fought in WWII. It encourages people to go out of their way to thank the aging warriors before they die.

"If we had lost that particular war, our whole way of life would have been shot," says Bierstock, who plays harmonica. "The WW II soldiers are now dying at the rate of about 2,000 every day. I thought we needed to thank them.."

The song is striking a chord. Within four days of Bierstock placing it on the Web, the song and accompanying photo essay have bounced around nine countries, producing tears and heartfelt thanks from veterans, their sons and daughters and grandchildren. "It made me cry," wrote one veteran's son. Another sent an e-mail saying that only after his father consumed several glasses of wine would he discuss " the unspeakable horrors" he and other soldiers had witnessed in places such as Anzio , Iwo Jima, Bataan and Omaha Beach . "I can never thank them enough," the son wrote. "Thank you for thinking about them."

Bierstock and Melnick thought about shipping it off to a professional singer, maybe a Lee Greenwood type, but because time was running out for so many veterans, they decided it was best to release it quickly, for free, on the Web. They've sent the song to Sen. John McCain and others in Washington . Already they have been invited to perform it in Houston for a Veterans Day tribute - this after just a few days on the Web. They hope every veteran in America gets a chance to hear it.


GOD BLESS every EVERY veteran.... and THANK you to those of you veterans who may receive this !


Copy and paste the following link to your browser:

"http://www.beforeyougo.us/play_byg"

Never Be Late

We have been gone for two weeks helping build a church.

Here is a funny story to start things off.

Never Be Late

A local priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish.

A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.

However, he was delayed so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:

"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had also stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his best friend's wife, and taken illicit drugs. I was appalled.

"But as the days went on I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people."

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies for being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and said: "I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived. In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession."

Moral: Never, never, NEVER-EVER be late.

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

I Saw God's Hand

I saw the hand of God move
Not In the sky with grandiose scheme,
But I saw His hand move among men
In such quiet way that It would seem
That It was not His hand that moved,
But I am certain and am sure because
All things worked out for good;
There Is no doubt, I know It was.
I found one day that Instead of sunshine
Along my way there came a rain;
I also found that beneath those cloudy skies
There was a peace that came with pain.
I saw the walls that I had built
Crumble and fall, and become rubble at my feet,
But I saw them rise again stronger than before,
Because God’s hand built them new and complete.

I thought I could not stand the pain
When injury and Insult were thrown at me,
But I saw God’s hand, a nail-scarred hand,
Reach down from the crucifixion tree,
And take my poor trembling arm,
And lift me up from the stunning blow,
And give my fainting heart new life,
Yes, I saw the hand of God move, I know.

—E. J. Morgan

School Notes

The following notes from parents excusing their children from attending school have been around a while but if you haven't seen them, I'm sure you will get a kick out of them:

"Please excuse Freddie from being away yesterday because he had the fuel."

"Please accuse Michael from being absent onJanuary 30 because he was aleing."

"George was absent yesterday because of a sore trout."

"Please excuse Betsey from being absent. She was sick and I had her shot."

"Joseph has been absent becuz he had two teeth taken off his face."

"My son is under doctor's care and should not take fisical education. Please execute him."

"Please excuse Ralph from school on Friday. He had very loose vowels."

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

Horse Looking

One day a man passed by a farm and saw a beautiful horse.

Hoping to buy the animal, he said to the farmer: "I think your horse looks pretty good, so I'll give you $500 for him."

"He doesn't look good, and he's not for sale," the farmer said.

The man insisted, "I think he looks good and I'll up the price to $1000!"

"He doesn't look so good," the farmer said, "but if you want him that much, he's yours."

The next day the man came back raging mad. He went up to the farmer and screamed, "You sold me a blind horse! You cheated me!"

The farmer calmly replied, "I told you he didn't look so good, didn't I?"

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

A Friend

When trouble comes your soul to try,
You love the Friend who just “stands by.”
Perhaps there’s nothing he can do—
The thing is strictly up to you;
For there are troubles all your own,
And paths the soul must tread alone;
Times when Love cannot smooth the road
Nor Friendship lift the heavy load,
But just to know you have a Friend
Who will “stand by” until the end,
Whose sympathy through all endures,
Whose "warm" hand clasp is always yours—
It helps, someway, to pull you through,
Although there’s nothing he can do.
And so with fervent heart I cry—
God bless the Friend who just “stands by!”

What's for Dinner?

The young couple invited their elderly pastor for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having.

"Goat," the little boy replied.

"Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth, "Are you sure about that?"

"Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Dad say to Mom, 'Today is just as good as any to have the old goat for dinner.'"

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

Babysitting

With some misgivings, we left a young babysitter in charge of our three energetic youngsters.

When we returned a few hours later, she was sitting alone watching TV.

I went to check on the children and found them in our narrow hallway. By bracing their arms and legs against the walls, two of them had climbed up to the ceiling.

"The babysitter taught us how," they said gleefully.

The sitter joined me, her face a deep red. "Since they had me climbing the walls, I figured they might as well be too," she stammered.

We kept the same girl for the next two years.

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

Wire Guard

Gale-force winds and frigid temperatures had taken their toll. Snapped electric wires were sparking and snaking about the snowdrifts. As a foot patrolman, I was assigned to a desolate intersection to provide security at the scene of a downed wire.

It was 12:40 a.m. and -19 degrees when I relieved the initialguardian of this dangerous area. He pointed out the thin line swinging ferociously from the main electric circuit, as he entered the squad car for his return to warmth. I pulled my coat collar up to my earmuffs and took up my position to protect the public.

Finally, at 5:40 a.m., a utility truck arrived. The linemen checked the wires, then, laughing, descended toward me.

"Well, Officer," one of them said, "congratulations. You've successfully guarded a frozen kite string all night."

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

The Holy Spirit

Tozer on the Holy Spirit

In my sober judgment the relation of the Spirit to the believer is
the most vital question the church faces today.

Keys to the Deeper Life, page 15



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

February 17

The Holy Spirit: Dead Churches

....These things says He who has the seven Spirits of God and the seven stars: "I know your works, that you have a name that you are alive, but you are dead." --Revelation 3:1

I think we are going to have to restudy this whole teaching of the place of the Holy Spirit in the Church, so the Body can operate again. If the life goes out of a man's body, he is said to be a corpse. He is what they call "the remains." It is sad, but humorously sad, that a strong, fine man with shining eyes and vibrant voice, a living man, dies, and we say, "the remains" can be seen at a funeral home. All the remains of the man, and the least part about him, is what you can see there in the funeral home. The living man is gone. You have only the body. The body is "the remains."

So it is in the Church of Christ. It is literally true that some churches are dead. The Holy Spirit has gone out of them and all you have left are "the remains." You have the potential of the church but you do not have the church, just as you have in a dead man the potential of a living man but you do not have a living man. He can't talk, he can't taste, he can't touch, he can't feel, he can't smell, he can't see, he can't hear--because he is dead! The soul has gone out of the man, and when the Holy Spirit is not present in the Church, you have to get along after the methods of business or politics or psychology or human effort. The Counselor, 112-113.

"Lord, send Your Holy Spirit in power, that we might not be a dead church, striving to look alive, pretending to function as though alive, while the life is actually gone. Amen."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Today's "Insight for Leaders" is taken by permission from the book, Tozer on Christian Leadership, published by WingSpread Publishers

Bubba had shingles.

Those of us who spend much time in a doctor's office should appreciate this! Doesn't it seem more and more that physicians are running their practices like an assembly line?
Here's what happened to Bubba:

Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Bubba said: 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba what he had.
Bubba said, 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, 'Shingles..' So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and found Bubba sitting patiently in the nude and asked Bubba what he had.

Bubba said, 'Shingles.' The doctor asked, 'Where?'
Bubba said, 'Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em??'
1.

Pants Dilemma

A young man came home from the office and found his bride sobbing convulsively. "I feel terrible," she told him. "I was pressing your suit and I burned a big hole in the seat of your trousers."

"Forget it," consoled her husband. "Remember that I've got an extra pair of pants for that suit."

"Yes,and it's lucky you have," said the woman, drying her eyes. "I used them to patch the hole."

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

The Holy Spirit: Confirming Signs

And they went out and preached everywhere, the Lord working with them and confirming the word through the accompanying signs. --Mark 16:20

Such words as these in the second chapter of Hebrews stand as a rebuke to the unbelieving Christians of our day: "God also bearing them witness, both with signs and wonders, and with divers miracles, and gifts of the Holy Ghost, according to his own will." A cold Church is forced to "interpret" such language. She cannot enter into it, so she explains it away. Not a little juggling is required, and not a few statements for which there is not scriptural authority, but anything will do to save face and justify our half-dead condition. Such defensive exegesis is but a refuge for unbelieving orthodoxy, a hiding place for a Church too weak to stand.

No one with a knowledge of the facts can deny the need for supernatural aid in the work of world evangelization. We are so hopelessly outclassed by the world's superior strength that for us it means either God's help or sure defeat. The Christian who goes out without faith in "wonders" will return without fruit. No one dare be so rash as to seek to do impossible things unless he has first been empowered by the God of the impossible. "The power of the Lord was there" is our guarantee of victory. Paths to Power, 12-13.

"May the power of the Lord be with me in my ministry today, so that I might not be 'outclassed by the world's superior strength.' Amen."

The Holy Spirit: Wild-eyed Fanatics

Do not quench the Spirit. Do not despise prophecies. Test all things; hold fast what is good. --1 Thessalonians 5:19-21

This is a crude illustration, but let me tell you what we did after planting a field of corn when I was a young fellow in Pennsylvania. To save the field of corn from the crows, we would shoot an old crow and hang him by his heels in the middle of the field. This was supposed to scare off all of the crows for miles around. The crows would hold a conference and say, "Look, there is a field of corn but don't go near it. I saw a dead crow over there!"

That's the kind of conference that Satan calls, and that is exactly what he has done. He has taken some fanatical, weird, wild-eyed Christians who do things that they shouldn't, and he has stationed them in the middle of God's cornfield, and warns, "Now, don't you go near that doctrine about the Holy Spirit because if you do, you will act just like these wild-eyed fanatics." The Counselor, 63.

"Keep us, Lord, from shying away from such valuable truth and experience as the ministry of the Holy Spirit because of the excesses of a few fanatics. We lose too much, and we can't afford the loss. Amen."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Today's "Insight for Leaders" is taken by permission from the book, Tozer on Christian Leadership, published by WingSpread Publishers

No comment necessary!!

The Bridge Builder

An old man, going on a lonely way,
Came at the evening cold and gray,
To a chasm vast and deep and wide
The old man crossed in the twilight dim,
The \sullen stream had no fear for him;
But he turned when safe on the other side
And built a bridge to span the tide.
“Old man,” said a fellow pilgrim near,
“You are wasting your strength with building here
Your journey will end with the ending day,
You never again will pass this way;
You’ve crossed the chasm deep and wide,
Why build a bridge to span the tide?”
The builder lifted his old gray head—
“Good friend, in the path I have come,” He said,
“There followeth after me today
A youth whose feet must pass this way,
This chasm that has been naught to me,
To the fair-haired youth may a pitfall be;
He, too, must cross in the twilight dim;
Good friend,I am building this bridge for him."

Recently we came across two little books of poems. Some of these are quite spiritual in nature and some have a humorous content. The one below has an interesting ending.

How To Pray
The proper way for a man to pray,
Said Deacon Lemuel Keys,
The only proper attitude,
Is down on your knees.

No! I should, say the way to pray,
Said Reverend Doctor Wise,
Is standing straight with outstretched arms
And rapturous upturned eyes.

It seems to me his hands should be
Devoutly clasped In front,
With both thumbs pointing t’wards the ground,
Said Reverend Dr. Blunt

Last year I fell in Hodkin’s well,
Head first, said Cyrus Brown,
With both my heels a-stickln’ up,
My head a-p'intin’ down.

And I made prayer right then and there—
Best prayer I ever said.
The prayin’est prayer I ever prayed
Was standin’ on my head.

Lay-off letter

A Lay-off letter from an excellent boss.


Dear Employees:

As the CEO of this organization, I have resigned myself to the fact that Barrack Obama is our President and that our taxes and government fees will increase in a BIG way.

To compensate for these increases, our prices would have to increase by about 10%. But since we cannot increase our prices right now due to the dismal state of the economy, we will have to lay off sixty of our employees instead.

This has really been bothering me since I believe we are family here and I didn't know how to choose who would have to go.

So, this is what I did. I walked through our parking lots and found sixty 'Obama' bumper stickers on our employees' cars and have decided these folks will be the ones to let go. I can't think of a more fair way to approach this problem. They voted for change...... I gave it to them.

I will see the rest of you at the annual company picnic.

THE BOSS

Shirt Note

The trendy dresser fancied himself quite a ladies' man, and was delighted to find a note pinned inside a new shirt. It contained a girl's name and address, and asked the recipient to send a photograph. How romantic, he thought to himself, very taken with the idea of this mystery woman so eager to meet him, and promptly mailed off a note and a photo. Heart aflutter, he opened her response.

It read, "Thanks for writing. I was just curious to see what kind of guy would buy such a goofy shirt."

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

Cinnamon Rolls

At breakfast one day, I eagerly waited for my husband to comment on my first attempt at homemade cinnamon rolls.

After several minutes with no reaction, I asked, "If I baked these commercially, how much do you think I could get for one of them?"

Without looking up from his paper my husband replied, "About 10 years."

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

THE DASH

I read of a man who stood to speak at the funeral of a friend.
He referred to the dates on his tombstone from the beginning to the end.

He noted that first came the date of his birth and spoke the following with tears,
But he said that what mattered most of all was the dash between those years.

For that dash represents all the time he spent alive on earth...
And now only those who loved him know what that little line is worth.

For it matters not how much we own: the cars, the house, the cash.
What matters is how we live and love and how we spend our dash.

So think about this long and hard... Are there things you’d like to change?
For you never know how much time is left. You could be at “dash mid-range.”

If we could just stow down enough to consider what’s true and real,
And always try to understand the way other people feel.

And be less quick to anger, and show appreciation more,
And love the people in our lives like we’ve never loved before.

If we treat each other with respect, and more often wear a smile,
Remembering that this special dash might only last a little while.

So, when your eulogy’s being read with your life’s actions to rehash,
Would you be proud of the things they say about how you spend your dash?

By: Linda Ellis

DEAF WIFE

A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
"Here's what you do," said the Doctor, stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you.
If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what
happens." Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?"

No response.

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Again he gets no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?"

This time his wife turns around, looks right at him and says, "Ralph, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!"

TASTE MY JESUS!

At the University of Chicago Divinity School each year they have what is called "Baptist Day..." On this day each one is to bring a lunch to be eaten outdoors in a grassy picnic area.

Every "Baptist Day" the school would invite one of the greatest minds to lecture in the theological education center.

.One year they invited Dr. Paul Tillich. Dr.Tillich spoke for two and one-half hours proving that the resurrection of Jesus was false. He quoted scholar after scholar and book after book. He concluded that since there was no such thing as the historical resurrection the religious tradition of the church was groundless, emotional mumbo-jumbo, because it was based on a relationship with a risen Jesus, who, in fact never rose from the dead in any literal sense. He then asked if there were any questions.

After about 30 seconds, an old, dark skinned preacher with a head of short-cropped, woolly white hair stood up in the back of the auditorium. "Docta Tillich, I got one question," he said as all eyes turned toward him.

He reached into his sack lunch and pulled out an apple and began eating it. "Docta Tillich.. CRUNCH, MUNCH "My question is a simple question,... CRUNCH, MUNCH... "Now, I ain't never read them books you read. CRUNCH, MUNCH.." and I can't recite the Scriptures in the original Greek...CRUNCH, MUNCH ....." I don't know nothin' about Niebuhr and Heidegger...CRUNCH, MUNCH... He finished the apple. "All I wanna know is: This apple I just ate, . ... . . . . was it bitter or sweet?

Dr Tillich paused for a moment and answered in exemplary scholarly fashion: "I cannot possibly answer that question, for I haven't tasted your apple."

The white-haired preacher dropped the core of his apple into his crumpled paper bag, looked up at Dr. Tillich and said calmly, "Neither have you tasted my Jesus."

The 1,000 plus in attendance could not contain themselves. The auditorium erupted with applause and cheers.

Have you tasted Jesus?

Please pass this on Saints! Jesus has risen... and He's coming back one day....

"Taste and see that the LORD is good; blessed is the man who takes refuge in Him. If you have, rejoice in the hope of the resurrection that your faith in Him brings." Psalm 34:8!

Bee Flat

This Week's Funny

In a college music theory class one warm spring day, the other students and I were having a hard time concentrating. The heat was oppressive and a wasp buzzed threateningly above our heads.

The teacher—oblivious to the dive-bombing menace—continued lecturing while the rest of us dodged and swatted at the invader. Finally, it landed on one student's open book. With a quick slap, he snapped the text shut, killing the wasp. The professor, startled, looked up. "What was that?" she asked, annoyed. Thinking quickly, the killer answered sheepishly, "A bee flat."

—Paul M. Hampton, Cold Spring, Kentucky. Christian Reader, "Lite Fare."

Visit PreachingToday.com for more illustrations and preaching resources.

Bear Flight

During Operation Desert Storm, I was a legislative affairs officer for Gen. Norman Schwarzkopf. Often I was required to transport gifts, sent to him from patriotic Amerians, from Washington, D.C., to his home base in Florida. On one trip I "escorted" a four-foot teddy bear dressed in fatigues and wearing a name tag reading "Bear," the general's nickname.

As I boarded the plane, I explained my mission to the flight attendant and asked if she could store the bear in first class. She was honored to do so, and I disappeared into the coach section. Then, just before takeoff, an announcement came over the intercom: "Colonel Preast, would you please come up to first class? We have an extra seat for you to sit next to your teddy bear."

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

FROM THE PODIUM

This retired USMC Sgt.. Major has his Stuff together.

Jimmy Carter, you are the father of the Islamic Nazi movement. You threw the Shah under the bus, welcomed the Ayatollah home, and then lacked the spine to confront the terrorists when they took our embassy and our people hostage. You're the "runner-in-chief."

Bill Clinton, you played ring around the Lewinsky while the terrorists were at war with us. You got us into a fight with them in Somalia and then you ran from it. Your weak-willed responses to the USS Cole and the First Trade Center Bombing and Our Embassy Bombings emboldened the killers. Each time you failed to respond adequately, they grew bolder, until 9/11/2001.

John Kerry, dishonesty is your most prominent attribute. You lied about American Soldiers in Vietnam . Your military service, like your life, is more
fiction than fact. You've accused our military of terrorizing women and children in Iraq . You called Iraq the wrong war, wrong place, wrong time, and the same words you used to describe Vietnam . You're a fake! You want to run from Iraq and abandon the Iraqis to murderers just as you did to the Vietnamese. Iraq , like Vietnam , is another war that you were for, before you were against it.

John Murtha, you said our military was broken. You said we can't win militarily in Iraq . You accused United States Marines of cold-blooded murder without proof and said we should redeploy to Okinawa . Okinawa, John? And the Democrats call you their military expert! Are you sure you didn't suffer a traumatic brain injury while you were off building your war hero resume? You're a sad, pitiable, corrupt, and washed up old fool. You're not a Marine, sir. You wouldn't amount to a good pimple on a real Marine's ass. You're a phony and a disgrace.. Run away, John.

Dick Durbin, you accused our Soldiers at Guantanamo of being Nazis, tenders of Soviet style gulags and as bad as the regime of Pol Pot, who murdered two million of his own people after your party abandoned Southeast Asia to the Communists. Now you want to abandon the Iraqis to the same fate. History was not a good teacher for you, was it? Lord help us! See Dick run.

Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid, Carl Levine, Barbara Boxer, Diane Feinstein, Russ Feingold, Pat Leahy, Barack Obama, Chuck Schumer, the Hollywood Leftist morons, et al, ad nauseam: Every time you stand in front of television cameras and broadcast to the Islamic Nazis that we went to war because our President lied, that the war is wrong and our Soldiers are torturers, that we should leave Iraq, you give the Islamic butchers - the same ones that tortured and mutilated American Soldiers - cause to think that we'll run away again, and all they have to do is hang on a little longer. It is inevitable that we, the infidels, will have to defeat the Islamic jihadists. Better to do it now on their turf, than later on ours after they have gained both strength and momentum.

American news media, the New York Times particularly: Each time you publish stories about national defense secrets and our intelligence gathering methods, you become one united with the sub-human pieces of camel dung that torture and mutilate the bodies of American Soldiers. You can't strike up the courage to publish cartoons, but you can help Al Qaeda destroy my country. Actually, you are more dangerous to us than Al Qaeda is. Think about that each time you face Mecca to admire your Pulitzer..

You are America 's 'AXIS OF IDIOTS..' Your Collective Stupidity will destroy us. Self-serving politics and terrorist-abetting news scoops are more important to you than our national security or the lives of innocent civilians and Soldiers. It bothers you that defending ourselves gets in the way of your elitist sport of politics and your ignorant editorializing. There is as much blood on your hands as is on the hands of murdering terrorists. Don't ever doubt that. Your frolics will only serve to extend this war as they extended Vietnam . If you want our Soldiers home as you claim, knock off the crap and try supporting your country ahead of supporting your silly political aims and aiding our enemies.

Yes, I'm questioning your patriotism. Your loyalty ends with self. I'm also questioning why you're stealing air that decent Americans could be breathing. You don't deserve the protection of our men and women in uniform. You need to run away from this war, this country. Leave the war to the people who have the will to see it through and the country to people who are willing to defend it.

Our country has two enemies: Those who want to destroy us from the outside and those who attempt it from within.

Semper Fi,
J. D. Pendry - Sergeant Major, USMC, Retired

Bosses Night

At an annual Bosses Night dinner for Helena, Montana, lawyers, sponsored by legal secretaries, it was time to announce the Boss of the Year.

The master of ceremonies began: "First of all, our winner is a graduate of the University of Montana. So that already eliminates some of you as candidates."

"Our winner also is a partner in a downtown Helena law firm. That eliminates some more of you. "Our nominee is honest, upright, dedicated..."

A voice from the audience cut in: "Well, there go the rest of us!"

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh



*Eye Laugh*

"Mouse Nightmare"
http://www.cybersalt.org/go.php?id=cw97

New Year Message

December 31

Trials and Pain: Prepared for Whatever

Lord, You have been our dwelling place in all generations. Before the mountains were brought forth, or ever You had formed the earth and the world, even from everlasting to everlasting, You are God. --Psalm 90:1-2

Yet I do not advise that we end the year on a somber note. The march, not the dirge, has ever been the music of Christianity. If we are good students in the school of life, there is much that the years have to teach us. But the Christian is more than a student, more than a philosopher. He is a believer, and the object of his faith makes the difference, the mighty difference.

Of all persons the Christian should be best prepared for whatever the New Year brings. He has dealt with life at its source. In Christ he has disposed of a thousand enemies that other men must face alone and unprepared. He can face his tomorrow cheerful and unafraid because yesterday he turned his feet into the ways of peace and today he lives in God. The man who has made God his dwelling place will always have a safe habitation.

The Warfare of the Spirit, p. 148

"Thank You, Father, for all You've taught me this past year. Thank You for the stretching experiences. Thank You for Tozer's wise counsel. Thank You for the privilege of serving You. Thank You for Your love and grace. Amen."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Today's "Insight for Leaders" is taken by permission from the book, Tozer on Christian Leadership, published by WingSpread Publishers

Pregnant Turkey Story

Oh, wouldn't you love to pull this one off???


PREGNANT TURKEY STORY

One year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my sister's house for the traditional feast. Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick.

She told my sister that she needed something from the store.

When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, and inserted it into the turkey, and re-stuffed the turkey. She then placed the bird(s) back in the oven.

When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird.

With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, 'Patricia, you've cooked a pregnant bird!' At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry.

It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs!

Yep..................SHE'S BLONDE!

Something For Mom

The Santa Claus at the mall was very surprised when a young lady about twenty years old walked up and sat on his lap.

Santa doesn't usually take requests from adults, but she smiled very nicely at him, so he said, "OK, you can ask for something but it has to be for someone other than yourself. What do you want for Christmas?"

"Something for my mother," said the young lady.

"Something for your mother? Well, that's very thoughtful of you," smiled Santa. "What do you want me to bring her? "

Without blinking she replied, "A son-in-law!"

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh



*Eye Laugh*

"Dog Manger"
http://www.cybersalt.org/go.php?id=cw86

Christian Quotation of the Day

Monday, December 21, 2009
Meditation:
So the LORD God said to the serpent, "Because you have done
this, cursed are you above all the livestock and all the wild
animals! You will crawl on your belly and you will eat dust all
the days of your life. And I will put enmity between you and
the woman, and between your offspring and hers; he will crush
your head, and you will strike his heel."
--Genesis 3:14-15 (NIV)
_______________________________________________________________
Quotation:
I have this running quandary about Christmas. I get upset
about it, because I feel that we American Christians make too
much of it, and too little. Too little of it, because we pile
all sorts of other things onto it, including some that have
only the feeblest connection with the Event it is supposed to
commemorate. If God did become a man, in any real sense, it is
the most important thing that ever happened. Surely we, who
believe it, could well devote one day a year to uninterrupted
contemplation of the fact, and let Saturnalia fall on the
winter solstice, where it belongs.
On the other hand, we make so much of the actual birth, and
forget the things that make it more than just the birth of a
baby (though even that is, in Walt Whitman's phrase, "miracle
enough to stagger sextillions of infidels"*)--more, even, than
the birth of the greatest man who ever lived. We forget the
promise to Eve of a descendant who will solve the problem of
Evil; the promise to Abraham of one by whom all mankind will be
blessed; the promise to Moses of a greater prophet than he, to
arise from his people; and the promise to David of a Son who
would be his Master. We forget about the eternal Purpose behind
it all: it's like telling a story and leaving out the point.
Yes, it is true that God gave us His Son, and so maybe we ought
also to give gifts--but what, and to whom? It is also true that
God gave us Himself, and the only sensible response to that is
to give ourselves to Him. There is nothing else that He wants
from us, or, if there is something, He can take it. Only I, my
ego, my heart, is truly mine to give or to withhold--and is
therefore the appropriate gift to Him.
* Walt Whitman (1819-1892), Song of Myself, in Leaves of
Grass
... Robert MacColl Adams (1913-1985), letter, 1982
_______________________________________________________________
Quiet time reflection:
Lord, I give You my life for what You have given me.

CQOD Compilation Copyright 2009, Robert McAnally Adams, Curator
Sub to CQOD HTML: cqodh-subscribe@cqod.com

Legalese Night Before Christmas

THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS in Legalese
(Author unknown)

Whereas, on or about the night prior to Christmas, there did occur at a certain improved piece of real property (hereinafter "the House") a general lack of stirring by all creatures therein, including, but not limited to a mouse.

A variety of foot apparel, e.g., stocking, socks, etc., had been affixed by and around the chimney in said House in the hope and/or belief that St. Nick a/k/a/ St. Nicholas a/k/a/ Santa Claus (hereinafter "Claus") would arrive at sometime thereafter. The minor residents, i.e. the children, of the aforementioned House were located in their individual beds and were engaged in nocturnal hallucinations, i.e. dreams, wherein vision of confectionery treats, including, but not limited to, candies, nuts and/or sugar plums, did dance, cavort and otherwise appear in said dreams.

Whereupon the party of the first part (sometimes hereinafter referred to as ("I"), being the joint-owner in fee simple of the House with the party of the second part (hereinafter "Mamma"), and said Mamma had retired for a sustained period of sleep. (At such time, the parties were clad in various forms of headgear, e.g., kerchief and cap.

Suddenly, and without prior notice or warning, there did occur upon the unimproved real property adjacent and appurtenant to said House, i.e., the lawn, a certain disruption of unknown nature, cause and/or circumstance. The party of the first part did immediately rush to a window in the House to investigate the cause of such disturbance.

At that time, the party of the first part did observe, with some degree of wonder and/or disbelief, a miniature sleigh (hereinafter "the Vehicle") being pulled and/or drawn very rapidly through the air by approximately eight (8) reindeer. The driver of the Vehicle appeared to be and in fact was, the previously referenced Claus.

Said Claus was providing specific direction, instruction and guidance to the approximately eight (8) reindeer and specifically identified the animal co-conspirators by name: Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner and Blitzen (hereinafter "the Deer"). (Upon information and belief, it is further asserted that an additional co- conspirator named "Rudolph" may have been involved.)

The party of the first part witnessed Claus, the Vehicle and the Deer intentionally and willfully trespass upon the roofs of several residences located adjacent to and in the vicinity of the House, and noted that the Vehicle was heavily laden with packages, toys and other items of unknown origin or nature. Suddenly, without prior invitation or permission, either express or implied, the Vehicle arrived at the House, and Claus entered said House via the chimney.

Said Claus was clad in a red fur suit, which was partially covered with residue from the chimney, and he carried a large sack containing a portion of the aforementioned packages, toys, and other unknown items. He was smoking what appeared to be tobacco in a small pipe in blatant violation of local ordinances and health regulations.

Claus did not speak, but immediately began to fill the stocking of the minor children, which hung adjacent to the chimney, with toys and other small gifts. (Said items did not, however, constitute "gifts" to said minor pursuant to the applicable provisions of the U.S. Tax Code.)

Upon completion of such task, Claus touched the side of his nose and flew, rose and/or ascended up the chimney of the House to the roof where the Vehicle and Deer waited and/or served as "lookouts." Claus immediately departed for an unknown destination.

However, prior to the departure of the Vehicle, Deer and Claus from said House, the party of the first part did hear Claus state and/or exclaim: "Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!" Or words to that effect.

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

*Eye Laugh*

"CD Burner"
http://www.cybersalt.org/go.php?id=cw315

From "Desiring God Blog"

Simon the Pharisee: The Fuel of True Love for God

Posted: 04 Dec 2009 12:27 AM PST

(Author: Jon Bloom)

He had the Holy One of Israel in his house, reclining at his table. The Prophet that Moses had foretold was sharing dinner with him. The Lord of glory, the Resurrection and the Life, was speaking with him face to face. The great climactic moment of history he claimed to be living for had arrived. It should have been a deliriously wonderful, breathtaking honor for Simon to host the Messiah.

But Simon was not amazed. As he looked at Jesus, all he saw was a dusty Nazarene whose claims could be interpreted as delusional.

And Jesus' feet were still dirty. Offering foot washing to guests had been a deeply ingrained custom for Near Eastern peoples for thousands of years. To not offer it was to dishonor one's guest. It's not likely that Simon simply forgot.

But Jesus showed no sign of offense. And with the meal on the table, superficial pleasantries were exchanged. A few polite questions were asked.

Suddenly all eyes facing Jesus were filled with confused concern, focused toward his feet. Jesus looked back.

A woman was standing near him, clearly not part of the household. She was looking intensely at him, cradling a small jar in her hands. She began to sob and dropped to her knees. And as her tears flowed, she leaned over and let them drop on Jesus' soiled feet and wiped them off, along with the dirt, with her hair. Then she kissed Jesus' feet.

Gasps and mutterings were heard around the table. This woman had a reputation known to all the local guests. It was improper even to speak openly about what had given her this reputation. She was simply called a "sinner." Everyone knew what was packed into that word.

So everyone was mortified by this sinner's actions, except Jesus, apparently. He did not seem shocked. And he did nothing to stop her. An alarmed servant moved toward the woman but Simon waved him off. This was a revealing moment.

As Simon watched the woman pour fragrant oil from her jar on Jesus' feet, he felt both contempt and pleasure. His appraisal of Jesus was being vindicated before his eyes. Nothing spoke more eloquently of the falseness of this so-called prophet than his stunning lack of discernment regarding this immoral woman. No holy man would have let her pollute him with her touch. He began to rehearse what he would report to the Council.

"Simon, I have something to say to you." Jesus' words snapped Simon's attention back. "Say it, Teacher," he replied.

"A certain moneylender had two debtors. One owed five hundred denarii, and the other fifty. When they could not pay, he cancelled the debt of both. Now which of them will love him more?"

Simon answered, "The one, I suppose, for whom he cancelled the larger debt." And he said to him, "You have judged rightly."

Then turning toward the woman he said to Simon, "Do you see this woman? I entered your house; you gave me no water for my feet, but she has wet my feet with her tears and wiped them with her hair. You gave me no kiss, but from the time I came in she has not ceased to kiss my feet. You did not anoint my head with oil, but she has anointed my feet with ointment. Therefore I tell you, her sins, which are many, are forgiven—for she loved much. But he who is forgiven little, loves little."

And then Jesus spoke to the woman: "Your sins are forgiven. Your faith has saved you; go in peace." (Quotes from Luke 7:40-49)

* * *

"He who is forgiven little, loves little." This little statement reveals a mammoth truth for us: We will love God to the degree that we recognize the magnitude of our sins and the immensity of God's grace to forgive them.

As a Pharisee, Simon likely had learned significant theological, memorized extensive portions of Scripture, exercised rigorous self-discipline, tithed meticulously, spent much time "serving" God, and enjoyed a reputation as a godly man. And yet he did not love God.

The woman, however, who had nothing to offer except shameful sin, was described by Jesus as a model for true worship. Why? Simply because she knew how desperately she needed the forgiveness Jesus offered in his gospel, and she believed that he could grant it.

That is what Jesus is looking for. That is the faith that saves.

True worship is a passionate love for God. And, for sinners like us, the fuel of that love is a profound realization, in the words of former slave trader-turned-pastor, John Newton, "that I am a great sinner, and that Christ is a great Saviour."

Leaky Pipe

This will be the medical system response if abomanationcare is passed!!

A lady answered her front door to find a plumber standing there. "I'm here to fix the leaky pipe," he announced.

"I didn't call a plumber," said the lady.

"What?" huffed the plumber. "Aren't you Mrs. Frobisher?"

The Frobishers moved out of this house over a year ago," explained the lady.

"How do you like that," grunted the plumber. "They call you up and tell you it's an emergency and then they move away!"

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

Missionaries Bring Hope to India's Flood Victims - Gospel for Asia

The following web page is well worth reading. The need is beyond what most of us can comprehend.

Missionaries Bring Hope to India's Flood Victims - Gospel for Asia

Shared via AddThis

A nun in Hooters

A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while 'the lights would turn off.'

Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.

She walked up to the bartender, and asked, 'May I please use the restroom? The bartender replied, 'OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.' 'Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way,' said the nun.

So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause!

She went to the bartender and said, 'Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?' 'Well, now they know you're one of us,' said the bartender, 'Would you like a drink?'

'No thank you, but, I still don't understand,' said the puzzled nun. 'You see,' laughed the bartender, 'every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out..

Now, how about that drink?'

Walk-in Scream

A woman went to a walk-in clinic, where she was seen by a young, new doctor. After about three minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant.

She burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall.

An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him what had happened.

After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another exam room.

The doctor marched down the hallway back to where the first doctor was and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 59 years old, has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was PREGNANT?!"

The young doctor continued to write on his clipboard, and without looking up, asked, "Does she still have the hiccups?"

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

Failing Eyesight

An older lady was expecting a gentleman friend to call on her later in the day. She was nervous because her eyesight was failing and was afraid her friend might reject her because she was less than perfect. So, she came up with a plan to prove to him that she could see perfectly.

She put a straight pin in a tree that was about 200 feet from her front porch.

When her beau arrived, they sat in the porch swing and were talking when she suddenly stopped the conversation and asked, "Is that a pin sticking in that tree?"

Her friend squinted his eyes and said, "I don't see a thing."

"Well, I'm going to go see," she said as she jumped up, ran toward the tree, and collided with a cow.

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh



*Eye Laugh*

"Baby Shave"
http://www.cybersalt.org/go.php?id=cw33

Biblical knowledge without Agape Love

Christian Quotation of the Day

Monday, September 14, 2009

Feast of the Holy Cross

Meditation:
If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries
and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move
mountains, but have not love, I am nothing.
--1 Corinthians 13:2 (NIV)

_______________________________________________________________

Quotation:
Learned men and great scholars have devoted great effort
and prolonged study to the Holy Scriptures... employing the
gifts which God gives to every person who has the use of
reason. This knowledge is good... but it does not bring with it
any spiritual experience of God, for these graces are granted
only to those who have a great love for Him. This fountain of
love issues from our Lord alone, and no stranger may approach
it. But knowledge of this kind is common to good and bad alike,
since it can be acquired without love, ... and men of a worldly
life are sometimes more knowledgeable than many true Christians
although they do not possess this love. St. Paul describes this
kind of knowledge: "If I had full knowledge of all things and
knew all secrets, but had no love, I should be nothing." Some
people who possess this knowledge become proud and misuse it in
order to increase their personal reputation, worldly rank,
honours and riches, when they should use it humbly to the
praise of God and for the benefit of their fellow Christians in
true charity. St. Paul says of this kind of knowledge:
"Knowledge by itself stirs the heart with pride, but united to
love it turns to edification." By itself this knowledge is like
water, tasteless and cold. But if those who have it will offer
it humbly to our Lord and ask for His grace, He will turn the
water into wine with His blessing.
... Walter Hilton (1330?-1396), The Scale of Perfection
[early 15th century], tr. Lionel Digby Sherley-Price,
London: Penguin Books, 1957, p. 4
See the book at http://cqod.com/r/rs167

_______________________________________________________________

Quiet time reflection:
Lord, add love to my understanding of You.

_______________________________________________________________

CQOD Compilation Copyright 2009, Robert McAnally Adams, Curator
Sub to CQOD HTML: cqodh-subscribe@cqod.com

Grabber of the Impossible

Christian Quotation of the Day

Friday, September 4, 2009

Commemoration of Birinus, Bishop of Dorchester (Oxon),
Apostle of Wessex, 650

Meditation:
Great is the LORD, and most worthy of praise, in the city
of our God, his holy mountain.
--Psalm 48:1 (NIV)

_______________________________________________________________

Quotation:
I belong and will ever belong to "The Great God Party." I
will have nought to do with "The Little God Party..." Christ
wants not nibblers of the possible, but grabbers of the
impossible.
... C. T. Studd (1860-1931), C. T. Studd--Cricketer and
Pioneer [1933], Norman P. Grubb, Read Books, 2008, p.
164-165
See the book at http://cqod.com/r/rs158

_______________________________________________________________

Quiet time reflection:
Lord, embolden Your people.

_______________________________________________________________

CQOD Compilation Copyright 2009, Robert McAnally Adams, Curator
Sub to CQOD HTML: cqodh-subscribe@cqod.com
CQOD Home Page: http://www.cqod.com/

Evangelism: Trusting the Lifeboat

And he brought them out and said, "Sirs, what must I do to be saved?" So they said, "Believe on the Lord Jesus Christ, and you will be saved, you and your household." --Acts 16:30-31

Now, the matter of complete trust in the person of Christ.

No man has any hope for eternal salvation apart from trusting completely in Jesus Christ and His atonement for men. Simply stated, our Lord Jesus is the lifeboat and we must fully and truly be committed to trusting the lifeboat.

Again, our Lord and Savior is the rope by which it is possible to escape from the burning building. There is no doubt about it--either we trust that rope or we perish.

He is the wonder drug or medication that heals all ills and sicknesses--and if we refuse it, we die.

He is the bridge from hell to heaven--and we take the bridge and cross over by His grace or we stay in hell.

These are simple illustrations, but they get to the point of the necessity of complete trust in Jesus Christ--absolute trust in Him! Who Put Jesus on the Cross?, 52.

"Lord, help me to make this clear as I share the Gospel. So many seem to persist in wanting to trust Christ plus their own efforts. Thank You for this free gift of salvation. Amen."

---

Today's "Insight for Leaders" is taken by permission from the book, Tozer on Christian Leadership, published by WingSpread Publishers

Prescription Check

An old man strode in to his doctors office and said, "Doc, my druggist said to tell you to change my prescription and to check the prescription you've been giving to Mrs. Smith."

"Oh, he did, did he?" the doctor shot back. "And since when does a druggist second guess a doctor's orders?"

The old man says, "Since he found out I've been on birth control pills since February."

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

*Eye Laugh*

"Comedian Wannabe"
http://www.cybersalt.org/go.php?id=cw13

Tree Trouble

Unexpected cold snaps had destroyed the buds on my father's young peach tree for two years in a row. This spring, Dad was ready. He replanted the sapling in a large box, mounted it on wheels, and put the tree in the garage whenever the temperature dropped.

One warm April day, Dad was wheeling the tree out into the yard, and he stopped to give our dog a drink from the garden hose. A neighbor watched the scene with amusement. "Frank," he finally commented, "you're the only man I know who walks his tree and waters his dog!"

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

*Eye Laugh*

"Elephant Caddy"
http://www.cybersalt.org/go.php?id=cw12

Psalm 111

Praise for the LORD's Works

1 Hallelujah!
I will praise the LORD with all my heart
in the assembly of the upright and in the congregation.

2 The LORD's works are great,
studied by all who delight in them.

3 All that He does is splendid and majestic;
His righteousness endures forever.

4 He has caused His wonderful works to be remembered.
The LORD is gracious and compassionate.

5 He has provided food for those who fear Him;
He remembers His covenant forever.

6 He has shown His people the power of His works
by giving them the inheritance of the nations.

7 The works of His hands are truth and justice;
all His instructions are trustworthy.

8 They are established forever and ever,
enacted in truth and uprightness.

9 He has sent redemption to His people.
He has ordained His covenant forever.
His name is holy and awe-inspiring.

10 The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom;
all who follow His instructions have good insight.
His praise endures forever.

From the Holman Christian Standard Bible

Cell Phone Find

An employee of the airport found a cell phone in one of the boarding areas. She switched it on, hoping a caller would identify the owner. It rang, and she answered it, but there was no response. When it rang a second time, another female employee answered, and the same thing happened.

Moments later, a supervisor came by and picked up the ringing phone. "This is Bob. May I help you?"

"Bob," the bewildered woman caller finally spoke. "Where is Bill, and who are those two women he's with?"

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

*Eye Laugh*

"Japanese Proverb"
http://www.cybersalt.org/go.php?id=cw8

I met God in the morning

I met God in the morning
When my day was at its best.
His presence came like sunrise,
A Glory in my breast.

All day long the presence lingered.
All day long He stayed with me.
And we sailed in perfect calmness
O’er a very troubled sea.

So I think I know the secret,
Learned by many a troubled way.
You must seek Him in the morning
If you want Him through the day.

Author Unknown

Sermon Comment

After a very long and boring sermon the parishioners filed out of the church saying nothing to the preacher. Towards the end of the line was a thoughtful person who always commented on the sermons."Pastor, today your sermon reminded me of the peace and love of God." The pastor was thrilled. "Nobody has ever said anything like that about my preaching before. Tell me why." "Because it endured forever." *Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!* cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

The Beginning

When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the psychiatrist began his therapy session.

"I'm not aware of your problem," the doctor said. "So perhaps, you should start at the very beginning."

"Of course," replied the patient. "In the beginning, I created the heavens and the earth..."

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh



*Eye Laugh*

"Bad Day Convertible"
http://www.cybersalt.org/go.php?id=cw5

Meditation:

If there is no resurrection of the dead, then not even
Christ has been raised. And if Christ has not been raised, our
preaching is useless and so is your faith.
--1 Corinthians 15:13,14 (NIV)

_______________________________________________________________

Quotation:

If it be all for naught, for nothingness
At last, why does God make the world so fair?
Why spill this golden splendor out across
The western hills, and light the silver lamp
Of eve? Why give me eyes to see, and soul
To love so strong and deep? Then, with a pang
This brightness stabs me through, and wakes within
Rebellious voice to cry against all death?
Why set this hunger for eternity
To gnaw my heartstrings through, if death ends all?
If death ends all, then evil must be good,
Wrong must be right, and beauty ugliness.
God is a Judas who betrays His Son,
And with a kiss, damns all the world to hell,--
If Christ rose not again.

... Anonymous, Unknown soldier, killed in World War I,
included in Masterpieces of Religious Verse, James
Dalton Morrison, ed., New York: Harper & Bros., 1948,
p. 205
See the book at http://cqod.com/r/rs132

_______________________________________________________________

Quiet time reflection:
Lord, You vindicate Your creation.

ID Card

The day I immigrated to the United States, I was given an alien ID card that featured a cute photo of me at age 15. Years later, when I went to the courthouse to become a citizen, a clerk confiscated my card.

"What will you do with it?" my wife asked.

"We burn it" was the answer.

"Could you please cut the photo off and let us keep it?" asked my wife.

"Certainly not," said the clerk. "This card is official U.S. government property. As such it cannot be mutilated before it's destroyed."

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

Now a note from me: With the above noted bureaucratic nonsense think what government run health care will be like. "So you have a broken leg. Go home take two aspirin and come back in two months."



*Eye Laugh*

"South Driving School"
http://www.cybersalt.org/go.php?id=cw1

Collateral

Be sure to open the "Eye Laugh" at the end of the post! I accompanied my husband when he went to get a haircut. Reading a magazine, I found a hairstyle I liked for myself, and I asked the receptionist if I could take the magazine next door to make a copy of the photo. "Leave some ID, a driver's license or a credit card," she said. "But my husband is here getting a haircut," I explained. "Yes," she replied. "But I need something you'll come back for." *Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!* cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh *Eye Laugh* "Mom Sleigh" http://www.cybersalt.org/g07.php?id=146

God's Peace

Now the God of peace be with you all. — Romans 16:33

It is in the Lord Jesus Christ, and in Him alone, that we find the knowledge, the assurance, the certitude, which create true peace within us. He brings a revelation of the Divine which is marked by a clarity, a unity, an authority, and a finality, such as we find nowhere else. In Him we see and know and possess God. We have certitude about the Divine. The God revealed in Jesus Christ is such, in His holiness and love, that we may know for certain He will never mock us in our human littleness and weakness. He loves us too dearly. He has suffered to save us. To know God thus in Jesus Christ is the first step to a true peace.
But the Lord Jesus gives us equally clear intelligence and assurance about the Beyond, about the Future, and about the Present. As for the Beyond, which has ever been a vexed question in the human heart, He tells us of “the Father̓s House,” and assures His people that He goes to “prepare a place” for them. As for the Future, He promises, “I will come again and receive you unto Myself, that where I am there ye may bc also.” As for the Present, He covers all the waiting-time until His glorious reappearing by His gracious provision of the Holy Spirit, the Comforter of whom He says, “He shall abide with you”; “He shall be in you”; “He shall teach you”; He shall guide you.”
Dear Christian, these are the first things that belong to our peace. We must feed our hearts on the solid comfort of these glorious certainties which our Divine Lord gives to us. When we possess such assurance concerning God and the Beyond, and such a provision for the Future, ought not our peace, to be as a full, deep, smooth-flowing river?

– J. Sidlow Baxter From: “Climbing the Heights” Commpiled by Al Bryant, Page 226, Copyright 1956 by Zondervan Publishing House

THE TICKET

The other day I went downtown to run a few errands and stopped by the local coffee shop for a snack. I was only there for about 5 minutes, and when I came out, there was this cop writing out a parking ticket. I said to him, 'Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a break'?

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. His insensitivity annoyed me, so I called him a 'Nazi.' He glared at me and then wrote out another ticket for having worn tires. So I proceeded to call him a 'doughnut eating Gestapo.' He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.

Then he wrote a third ticket when I called him a ‘moron in blue’. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I talked back to him the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, I didn't really care. I came downtown on the bus, and the car that he was putting the tickets on had one of those bumper stickers that said, 'Obama '08.'

I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. The doctor tells me that it's important for my health.

Jury Excuse

"Please, Your Honor, I'd like to be excused from jury duty," pleaded an anxious-looking man.

"Why should I excuse you?" asked the judge.

"You see, I owe a man fifty dollars, and he's leaving in a few hours for a post abroad. He'll be there for years and I want to catch him before he leaves, for it may be my last chance to repay him."

"Excused," stated the judge coldly. "We don't want anyone on the jury who can lie like that."

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

---

*Eye Laugh*

"Sneeze Guard"
http://www.cybersalt.org/g07.php?id=140

The haircut.

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop. The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I can not accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Congressman was very happy and left the shop. The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

GOTTA LOVE LITTLE BOYS

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The man at the counter asked the older boy, 'Son, how old are you?'
'Eight', the boy replied.
The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?'
The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four.

We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike.
Right now, he can't do none of those'.

Contentment

But godliness with contentment is great gain. I Timothy 6:6

Negatively, contentment delivers from worry and fretfulness, from avarice and selfishness. Positively, it leaves us free to enjoy what God has given us.

Contentment is the product of a heart resting in God. It is the soul̓s enjoyment of that peace which passes all understanding. It is the outcome of my will being brought into subjection to the Divine will. It is the blessed assurance that God does all things well, and is, even now, making all things work together for my ultimate good. This experience has to be learned” by “proving what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God” (Rom. 12:2). Contentment is possible only as we cultivate and maintain that attitude of accepting everything which enters our lives as coming from the Hand of Him who is too wise to err, and too loving to cause one of his children a needless tear.

Let our final word be this: real contentment is only possible by being much in the presence of the Lord Jesus. It is only by cultivating intimacy with that One who was never discontent that we shall be delivered from the sin of complaining. It is only by daily fellowship with Him who ever delightcd in the Father̓s will that we shall learn the secret of contentment.

If the wren can cling

To a spray a-swing

In the mad May wind,

And sing and sing,

As if she̓d burst for joy

Why cannot I

Contented lie

In His quiet arms,

Beneath His sky,

Unmoved by life̓s annoy?

From: "Climbing the Heights" by Al Bryant, Copyright 1956, Zondervan Publishing House, Page 219

Christian Strength

I will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you. – John 14:18

Christians must learn to get strength and courage from the promises and provisions of God. What if there are reverses, sufferings, hardships, disappointments injustices here in this brief life, if the life to come is filled with joy, beauty, light, holiness, power and glory for all eternity?

John, the Apostle of love, would give us a final word concerning this. He wrote:

There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear: because fear has torment. He that fears is not made perfect in love. (I John 4:18).

Perfect love for God casts out fear of all kinds. If our hearts are filled with love to God and man, as Jesus taught they should be, there is no room for fear, worry, resent­ment, hate and selfishness. And if we are filled with the Holy Spirit (Ephesians 5:18), then we will be filled with love, for love is the first fruit of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22).

God can so fill our lives that we are satisfied with Him and His provisions. Fears and worries will have to go be­cause the things that cause them cease to matter.

— Faris D. Whitesell
From: “Climbing the Heights” by Al Bryant Copyright 1956, Zondervan Publishing House

Employment History

TODAY'S CLEAN LAUGH

To pass the time while our plane was being de-iced, the flight attendants played a trivia game with the passengers. They asked us to guess the total number of years the three of them had worked for the airlines.

After an attendant collected our estimates, we heard the announcement: "The correct answer is 26 years. For the two people who came closest with 28 years, we have prizes. And for the passenger in seat 12F who guessed 85 years, would you please step off the plane once we are airborne."

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

EYE LAUGH

"Cat Yawn 2"
http://www.cybersalt.org/g07.php?id=55

Why we love children...

1) NUDITY I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'


2) OPINIONS On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.'


3) KETCHUP A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle.'


4) MORE NUDITY A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'


5) POLICE # 1 While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop? Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report. My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her. 'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?'


6) POLICE # 2 It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a dog you got back there?' he asked. 'It sure is,' I replied puzzled. The boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, 'What'd he do?'


7) ELDERLY While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'


8) DEATH While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: 'Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.' (I want this line used at my funeral!)

9) SCHOOL A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!'

10) BIBLE A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. 'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out. 'What have you got there, dear?' With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam's underwear!'


NOW IF THIS DIDN'T BRIGHTEN YOUR DAY, GO BACK TO BED AND FORGET IT!

Card Name

TODAY'S CLEAN LAUGH


Those of us who worked at the front desk of a convention hotel in Williamsburg, Va., prided ourselves on making the guests feel special. When someone arrived at reception, credit card in hand, we would sneak a peek at it and address him by name.

Once during a particularly busy check-in, one of our guests presented a corporate credit card. "Welcome to Williamsburg, Mr. Bell," the desk clerk said.

"Oh, please," the man replied, "call me Taco."

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

Service for One

TODAY'S CLEAN LAUGH

On Sunday, the new young pastor arrived at church and found only an old farmer had shown up.

After waiting a while, the disappointed the pastor remarked to the old farmer, "Well, it appears no one else is coming, so we should probably cancel service today"

The farmer, dressed in his Sunday best, looked at the young preacher and said, "Well pastor, I don't know much 'bout preachin', but I do know something bout farmin' and if I went out in the field and found only one cow, I'd still feed 'em"

This excited the young preacher who preached for the next 45 minutes a fierce fire and brimstone sermon. Afterwards the pastor asked the old farmer what he thought.

The old farmer remarked, "Well pastor, I don't know much bout preachin', but I do know somethin' 'bout farmin' and if I went out in the field and found only one cow, I wouldn't give 'em the whole bale."

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

Christian Quotation of the Day

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Meditation:
[Peter:] You know what has happened throughout Judea,
beginning in Galilee after the baptism that John preached--how
God anointed Jesus of Nazareth with the Holy Spirit and power,
and how he went around doing good and healing all who were
under the power of the devil, because God was with him.
--Acts 10:37,38 (NIV)

_______________________________________________________________

Quotation:
When in hand-to-hand conflict with the world and the devil,
neat little Biblical confectionery is like shooting lions with
a pea-shooter; one needs a man who will let go and deliver
blows right and left as hard as he can hit, in the power of the
Holy Ghost... Nothing but forked-lightning Christians will
count.
... C. T. Studd (1860-1931), quoted in C. T. Studd--
Cricketer and Pioneer [1933], Norman P. Grubb, Read
Books, 2008, p. 163
See the book at http://cqod.com/r/rs105

Blond Joke

A blond is staying home with a head cold. She calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to asemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then .." He said with a deep sigh, . .. . ... . ..

"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."

A Sponge in the Sea

The following is from: The Thirsty Theologian

http://www.thirstytheologian.com/2009/07/07/a_sponge_in_the_sea.php

Now here is a concept that, obvious as it is, had never occurred to me: while God, in his omnipresence, fills all of creation, it is really creation that is contained by him. Charnock wrote:

“In him we live,” is to be understood, not of his power and goodness, perfections of his nature, distinguished according to our manner of conception from his essence, but of the essential presence of God with his creatures. If he had meant it of his efficiency in preserving us, it had not been any proof if his nearness to us. Who would go about to prove the body or sustenance of the sun to be near to us because it doth warm and enlighten us, when our sense evidenceth the distance of it? We live in the beams of the sun, but we cannot be said to live in the sun, which is so far distant from us. The expression seems to be more emphatical than to intend any less than his essential presence; but we live in him not only as the efficient cause of our life, but as the foundation sustaining our lives and motions, as if he were like air, diffused round about us; and we move in him . . . as a sponge in the sea, not containing him, but being contained by him. He compasseth all, is encompassed by none; he fills all, is comprehended by none. The Creator contains the world, the world contains not the Creator; as the hollow of the hand contains the water, the water in the hollow of the hand contains not the hand; and therefore some have chose to say, rather, that the world is in God, it lives and moves in him, than that God is in the world. If all things thus live and move in him, then he is present with everything that hath life and motion; and as long as the devils and damned have life, and motion, and being, so long is he with them; for whatsoever lives and moves, lives and moves in him.

—Stephen Charnock, The Existence and Attributes of God (Baker Books, 2005), 1:374–375

Suitor Approval

A good friend of mine warned me that, as my three daughters became old enough to date, I'd disapprove of every young man who took them out.

But when the time came, I was pleased that my friend's prediction was wrong. Each boy was pleasant and well mannered.

Talking to my daughter Joanna one day, I said that I liked all the young men she and her sisters brought home.

"You know, Dad," she replied, "we don't show you everybody."

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!* http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

Christian Quotation of the Day

Friday, July 3, 2009

Feast of Thomas the Apostle

Meditation:
In the beginning you laid the foundations of the earth,
and the heavens are the work of your hands.
They will perish, but you remain;
they will all wear out like a garment.
Like clothing you will change them
and they will be discarded.
--Psalm 102:25,26 (NIV)

_______________________________________________________________

Quotation:
Long did I toil, and knew no earthly rest,
Far did I rove, and found no certain home;
At last I sought them in His sheltering breast,
Who opes His arms and bids the weary come:
With Him I found a home, a rest divine,
And I since then am His, and He is mine.

The good I have is from His stores supplied:
The ill is only what He deems the best.
He for my friend, I'm rich with naught beside;
And poor without Him, though of all possessed.
Changes may come--I take, or I resign
Content, while I am His, and He is mine.

Whate'er may change, in Him no change is seen,
A glorious Sun, that wanes not, nor declines;
Above the clouds and storms He walks serene,
And on His people's inward darkness shines;
All may depart--I fret not nor repine,
While I my Saviour's am, while He is mine.

While here, alas! I know but half His love,
But half discern Him, and but half adore;
But when I meet Him in the realms above,
I hope to love him better, praise Him more,
And feel, and tell, amid the choir divine,
How fully I am His, and He is mine.
... J. Quarles (1624-1665) & Henry F. Lyte (1793-1847),
Miscellaneous Poems, London: Rivingtons, 1868, p. 75
See the book at http://cqod.com/r/rs101

_______________________________________________________________

Quiet time reflection:
Lord, may I wholly love and praise You.

_______________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________

See the new CQOD Scripture Index
http://www.cqod.com/cqodscr0.htm

I Always Wondered About That

TODAY'S CLEAN LAUGH

During a summer break from my studies at an engineering university, I worked in a scrap yard repairing construction equipment. One afternoon, I was taking apart a piling hammer that had some very large bolts holding it together. One of the nuts had corroded onto the bolt, so I started heating the nut with an oxyacetylene torch. As I was doing this, one of the dimmest apprentices I have ever known came along and asked me what I was doing. I patiently explained that if I heated the nut, it would grow larger and release its grip on the bolt so I could then remove it.

"So things get larger when they get hot, do they?" he asked.

Suddenly, an idea flashed into my mind. "Yes," I said, "that's why days are longer in summer and shorter in winter."

There was a long pause, then his face cleared. "You know, I always wondered about that," he said.

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

And I might add: "They reproduce and vote!!!!!"

Tech Smoke

A guy rings tech support to report that his computer is faulty.

Tech: What's the problem?

User: There is smoke coming out of the power supply.

Tech: You'll need a new power supply.

User: No, I don't! I just need to change the startup files.

Tech: Sir, the power supply is faulty. You'll need to replace it.

User: No way! Someone told me that I just needed to change the startup files and it will fix the problem! All I need is for you to tell me the command.

Ten minutes later, the User is still adamant that they are right. The tech is frustrated and fed up.

Tech: Sorry, Sir. We don't normally tell our customers this, but there is an undocumented DOS command that will fix the problem.

User: I knew it!

Tech: Just add the line LOAD NOSMOKE.COM at the end of the CONFIG.SYS. Let me know how it goes.

Ten minutes later.

User: It didn't work. The power supply is still smoking.

Tech: Well, what version of DOS are you using?

User: MS-DOS 6.22.

Tech: That's your problem there. That version of DOS didn't come with NOSMOKE. Contact Microsoft and ask them for a patch that will give you the file. Let me know how it goes.

One hour later.

User: I need a new power supply.

Tech: How did you come to that conclusion?

User: Well, I rang Microsoft and told him about what you said, and he started asking questions about the make of power supply.

Tech: Then what did he say?

User: He told me that my power supply isn't compatible with NOSMOKE

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh