Evangelism: Trusting the Lifeboat

And he brought them out and said, "Sirs, what must I do to be saved?" So they said, "Believe on the Lord Jesus Christ, and you will be saved, you and your household." --Acts 16:30-31

Now, the matter of complete trust in the person of Christ.

No man has any hope for eternal salvation apart from trusting completely in Jesus Christ and His atonement for men. Simply stated, our Lord Jesus is the lifeboat and we must fully and truly be committed to trusting the lifeboat.

Again, our Lord and Savior is the rope by which it is possible to escape from the burning building. There is no doubt about it--either we trust that rope or we perish.

He is the wonder drug or medication that heals all ills and sicknesses--and if we refuse it, we die.

He is the bridge from hell to heaven--and we take the bridge and cross over by His grace or we stay in hell.

These are simple illustrations, but they get to the point of the necessity of complete trust in Jesus Christ--absolute trust in Him! Who Put Jesus on the Cross?, 52.

"Lord, help me to make this clear as I share the Gospel. So many seem to persist in wanting to trust Christ plus their own efforts. Thank You for this free gift of salvation. Amen."

---

Today's "Insight for Leaders" is taken by permission from the book, Tozer on Christian Leadership, published by WingSpread Publishers

Prescription Check

An old man strode in to his doctors office and said, "Doc, my druggist said to tell you to change my prescription and to check the prescription you've been giving to Mrs. Smith."

"Oh, he did, did he?" the doctor shot back. "And since when does a druggist second guess a doctor's orders?"

The old man says, "Since he found out I've been on birth control pills since February."

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

*Eye Laugh*

"Comedian Wannabe"
http://www.cybersalt.org/go.php?id=cw13

Tree Trouble

Unexpected cold snaps had destroyed the buds on my father's young peach tree for two years in a row. This spring, Dad was ready. He replanted the sapling in a large box, mounted it on wheels, and put the tree in the garage whenever the temperature dropped.

One warm April day, Dad was wheeling the tree out into the yard, and he stopped to give our dog a drink from the garden hose. A neighbor watched the scene with amusement. "Frank," he finally commented, "you're the only man I know who walks his tree and waters his dog!"

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

*Eye Laugh*

"Elephant Caddy"
http://www.cybersalt.org/go.php?id=cw12

Psalm 111

Praise for the LORD's Works

1 Hallelujah!
I will praise the LORD with all my heart
in the assembly of the upright and in the congregation.

2 The LORD's works are great,
studied by all who delight in them.

3 All that He does is splendid and majestic;
His righteousness endures forever.

4 He has caused His wonderful works to be remembered.
The LORD is gracious and compassionate.

5 He has provided food for those who fear Him;
He remembers His covenant forever.

6 He has shown His people the power of His works
by giving them the inheritance of the nations.

7 The works of His hands are truth and justice;
all His instructions are trustworthy.

8 They are established forever and ever,
enacted in truth and uprightness.

9 He has sent redemption to His people.
He has ordained His covenant forever.
His name is holy and awe-inspiring.

10 The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom;
all who follow His instructions have good insight.
His praise endures forever.

From the Holman Christian Standard Bible

Cell Phone Find

An employee of the airport found a cell phone in one of the boarding areas. She switched it on, hoping a caller would identify the owner. It rang, and she answered it, but there was no response. When it rang a second time, another female employee answered, and the same thing happened.

Moments later, a supervisor came by and picked up the ringing phone. "This is Bob. May I help you?"

"Bob," the bewildered woman caller finally spoke. "Where is Bill, and who are those two women he's with?"

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

*Eye Laugh*

"Japanese Proverb"
http://www.cybersalt.org/go.php?id=cw8

I met God in the morning

I met God in the morning
When my day was at its best.
His presence came like sunrise,
A Glory in my breast.

All day long the presence lingered.
All day long He stayed with me.
And we sailed in perfect calmness
O’er a very troubled sea.

So I think I know the secret,
Learned by many a troubled way.
You must seek Him in the morning
If you want Him through the day.

Author Unknown

Sermon Comment

After a very long and boring sermon the parishioners filed out of the church saying nothing to the preacher. Towards the end of the line was a thoughtful person who always commented on the sermons."Pastor, today your sermon reminded me of the peace and love of God." The pastor was thrilled. "Nobody has ever said anything like that about my preaching before. Tell me why." "Because it endured forever." *Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!* cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

The Beginning

When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the psychiatrist began his therapy session.

"I'm not aware of your problem," the doctor said. "So perhaps, you should start at the very beginning."

"Of course," replied the patient. "In the beginning, I created the heavens and the earth..."

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh



*Eye Laugh*

"Bad Day Convertible"
http://www.cybersalt.org/go.php?id=cw5

Meditation:

If there is no resurrection of the dead, then not even
Christ has been raised. And if Christ has not been raised, our
preaching is useless and so is your faith.
--1 Corinthians 15:13,14 (NIV)

_______________________________________________________________

Quotation:

If it be all for naught, for nothingness
At last, why does God make the world so fair?
Why spill this golden splendor out across
The western hills, and light the silver lamp
Of eve? Why give me eyes to see, and soul
To love so strong and deep? Then, with a pang
This brightness stabs me through, and wakes within
Rebellious voice to cry against all death?
Why set this hunger for eternity
To gnaw my heartstrings through, if death ends all?
If death ends all, then evil must be good,
Wrong must be right, and beauty ugliness.
God is a Judas who betrays His Son,
And with a kiss, damns all the world to hell,--
If Christ rose not again.

... Anonymous, Unknown soldier, killed in World War I,
included in Masterpieces of Religious Verse, James
Dalton Morrison, ed., New York: Harper & Bros., 1948,
p. 205
See the book at http://cqod.com/r/rs132

_______________________________________________________________

Quiet time reflection:
Lord, You vindicate Your creation.

ID Card

The day I immigrated to the United States, I was given an alien ID card that featured a cute photo of me at age 15. Years later, when I went to the courthouse to become a citizen, a clerk confiscated my card.

"What will you do with it?" my wife asked.

"We burn it" was the answer.

"Could you please cut the photo off and let us keep it?" asked my wife.

"Certainly not," said the clerk. "This card is official U.S. government property. As such it cannot be mutilated before it's destroyed."

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

Now a note from me: With the above noted bureaucratic nonsense think what government run health care will be like. "So you have a broken leg. Go home take two aspirin and come back in two months."



*Eye Laugh*

"South Driving School"
http://www.cybersalt.org/go.php?id=cw1

Collateral

Be sure to open the "Eye Laugh" at the end of the post! I accompanied my husband when he went to get a haircut. Reading a magazine, I found a hairstyle I liked for myself, and I asked the receptionist if I could take the magazine next door to make a copy of the photo. "Leave some ID, a driver's license or a credit card," she said. "But my husband is here getting a haircut," I explained. "Yes," she replied. "But I need something you'll come back for." *Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!* cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh *Eye Laugh* "Mom Sleigh" http://www.cybersalt.org/g07.php?id=146

God's Peace

Now the God of peace be with you all. — Romans 16:33

It is in the Lord Jesus Christ, and in Him alone, that we find the knowledge, the assurance, the certitude, which create true peace within us. He brings a revelation of the Divine which is marked by a clarity, a unity, an authority, and a finality, such as we find nowhere else. In Him we see and know and possess God. We have certitude about the Divine. The God revealed in Jesus Christ is such, in His holiness and love, that we may know for certain He will never mock us in our human littleness and weakness. He loves us too dearly. He has suffered to save us. To know God thus in Jesus Christ is the first step to a true peace.
But the Lord Jesus gives us equally clear intelligence and assurance about the Beyond, about the Future, and about the Present. As for the Beyond, which has ever been a vexed question in the human heart, He tells us of “the Father̓s House,” and assures His people that He goes to “prepare a place” for them. As for the Future, He promises, “I will come again and receive you unto Myself, that where I am there ye may bc also.” As for the Present, He covers all the waiting-time until His glorious reappearing by His gracious provision of the Holy Spirit, the Comforter of whom He says, “He shall abide with you”; “He shall be in you”; “He shall teach you”; He shall guide you.”
Dear Christian, these are the first things that belong to our peace. We must feed our hearts on the solid comfort of these glorious certainties which our Divine Lord gives to us. When we possess such assurance concerning God and the Beyond, and such a provision for the Future, ought not our peace, to be as a full, deep, smooth-flowing river?

– J. Sidlow Baxter From: “Climbing the Heights” Commpiled by Al Bryant, Page 226, Copyright 1956 by Zondervan Publishing House

THE TICKET

The other day I went downtown to run a few errands and stopped by the local coffee shop for a snack. I was only there for about 5 minutes, and when I came out, there was this cop writing out a parking ticket. I said to him, 'Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a break'?

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. His insensitivity annoyed me, so I called him a 'Nazi.' He glared at me and then wrote out another ticket for having worn tires. So I proceeded to call him a 'doughnut eating Gestapo.' He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.

Then he wrote a third ticket when I called him a ‘moron in blue’. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I talked back to him the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, I didn't really care. I came downtown on the bus, and the car that he was putting the tickets on had one of those bumper stickers that said, 'Obama '08.'

I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. The doctor tells me that it's important for my health.

Jury Excuse

"Please, Your Honor, I'd like to be excused from jury duty," pleaded an anxious-looking man.

"Why should I excuse you?" asked the judge.

"You see, I owe a man fifty dollars, and he's leaving in a few hours for a post abroad. He'll be there for years and I want to catch him before he leaves, for it may be my last chance to repay him."

"Excused," stated the judge coldly. "We don't want anyone on the jury who can lie like that."

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

---

*Eye Laugh*

"Sneeze Guard"
http://www.cybersalt.org/g07.php?id=140

The haircut.

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop. The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I can not accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Congressman was very happy and left the shop. The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

GOTTA LOVE LITTLE BOYS

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The man at the counter asked the older boy, 'Son, how old are you?'
'Eight', the boy replied.
The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?'
The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four.

We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike.
Right now, he can't do none of those'.

Contentment

But godliness with contentment is great gain. I Timothy 6:6

Negatively, contentment delivers from worry and fretfulness, from avarice and selfishness. Positively, it leaves us free to enjoy what God has given us.

Contentment is the product of a heart resting in God. It is the soul̓s enjoyment of that peace which passes all understanding. It is the outcome of my will being brought into subjection to the Divine will. It is the blessed assurance that God does all things well, and is, even now, making all things work together for my ultimate good. This experience has to be learned” by “proving what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God” (Rom. 12:2). Contentment is possible only as we cultivate and maintain that attitude of accepting everything which enters our lives as coming from the Hand of Him who is too wise to err, and too loving to cause one of his children a needless tear.

Let our final word be this: real contentment is only possible by being much in the presence of the Lord Jesus. It is only by cultivating intimacy with that One who was never discontent that we shall be delivered from the sin of complaining. It is only by daily fellowship with Him who ever delightcd in the Father̓s will that we shall learn the secret of contentment.

If the wren can cling

To a spray a-swing

In the mad May wind,

And sing and sing,

As if she̓d burst for joy

Why cannot I

Contented lie

In His quiet arms,

Beneath His sky,

Unmoved by life̓s annoy?

From: "Climbing the Heights" by Al Bryant, Copyright 1956, Zondervan Publishing House, Page 219

Christian Strength

I will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you. – John 14:18

Christians must learn to get strength and courage from the promises and provisions of God. What if there are reverses, sufferings, hardships, disappointments injustices here in this brief life, if the life to come is filled with joy, beauty, light, holiness, power and glory for all eternity?

John, the Apostle of love, would give us a final word concerning this. He wrote:

There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear: because fear has torment. He that fears is not made perfect in love. (I John 4:18).

Perfect love for God casts out fear of all kinds. If our hearts are filled with love to God and man, as Jesus taught they should be, there is no room for fear, worry, resent­ment, hate and selfishness. And if we are filled with the Holy Spirit (Ephesians 5:18), then we will be filled with love, for love is the first fruit of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22).

God can so fill our lives that we are satisfied with Him and His provisions. Fears and worries will have to go be­cause the things that cause them cease to matter.

— Faris D. Whitesell
From: “Climbing the Heights” by Al Bryant Copyright 1956, Zondervan Publishing House

Employment History

TODAY'S CLEAN LAUGH

To pass the time while our plane was being de-iced, the flight attendants played a trivia game with the passengers. They asked us to guess the total number of years the three of them had worked for the airlines.

After an attendant collected our estimates, we heard the announcement: "The correct answer is 26 years. For the two people who came closest with 28 years, we have prizes. And for the passenger in seat 12F who guessed 85 years, would you please step off the plane once we are airborne."

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

EYE LAUGH

"Cat Yawn 2"
http://www.cybersalt.org/g07.php?id=55

Why we love children...

1) NUDITY I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'


2) OPINIONS On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.'


3) KETCHUP A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle.'


4) MORE NUDITY A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'


5) POLICE # 1 While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop? Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report. My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her. 'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?'


6) POLICE # 2 It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a dog you got back there?' he asked. 'It sure is,' I replied puzzled. The boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, 'What'd he do?'


7) ELDERLY While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'


8) DEATH While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: 'Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.' (I want this line used at my funeral!)

9) SCHOOL A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!'

10) BIBLE A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. 'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out. 'What have you got there, dear?' With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam's underwear!'


NOW IF THIS DIDN'T BRIGHTEN YOUR DAY, GO BACK TO BED AND FORGET IT!

Card Name

TODAY'S CLEAN LAUGH


Those of us who worked at the front desk of a convention hotel in Williamsburg, Va., prided ourselves on making the guests feel special. When someone arrived at reception, credit card in hand, we would sneak a peek at it and address him by name.

Once during a particularly busy check-in, one of our guests presented a corporate credit card. "Welcome to Williamsburg, Mr. Bell," the desk clerk said.

"Oh, please," the man replied, "call me Taco."

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

Service for One

TODAY'S CLEAN LAUGH

On Sunday, the new young pastor arrived at church and found only an old farmer had shown up.

After waiting a while, the disappointed the pastor remarked to the old farmer, "Well, it appears no one else is coming, so we should probably cancel service today"

The farmer, dressed in his Sunday best, looked at the young preacher and said, "Well pastor, I don't know much 'bout preachin', but I do know something bout farmin' and if I went out in the field and found only one cow, I'd still feed 'em"

This excited the young preacher who preached for the next 45 minutes a fierce fire and brimstone sermon. Afterwards the pastor asked the old farmer what he thought.

The old farmer remarked, "Well pastor, I don't know much bout preachin', but I do know somethin' 'bout farmin' and if I went out in the field and found only one cow, I wouldn't give 'em the whole bale."

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

Christian Quotation of the Day

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Meditation:
[Peter:] You know what has happened throughout Judea,
beginning in Galilee after the baptism that John preached--how
God anointed Jesus of Nazareth with the Holy Spirit and power,
and how he went around doing good and healing all who were
under the power of the devil, because God was with him.
--Acts 10:37,38 (NIV)

_______________________________________________________________

Quotation:
When in hand-to-hand conflict with the world and the devil,
neat little Biblical confectionery is like shooting lions with
a pea-shooter; one needs a man who will let go and deliver
blows right and left as hard as he can hit, in the power of the
Holy Ghost... Nothing but forked-lightning Christians will
count.
... C. T. Studd (1860-1931), quoted in C. T. Studd--
Cricketer and Pioneer [1933], Norman P. Grubb, Read
Books, 2008, p. 163
See the book at http://cqod.com/r/rs105

Blond Joke

A blond is staying home with a head cold. She calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to asemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then .." He said with a deep sigh, . .. . ... . ..

"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."

A Sponge in the Sea

The following is from: The Thirsty Theologian

http://www.thirstytheologian.com/2009/07/07/a_sponge_in_the_sea.php

Now here is a concept that, obvious as it is, had never occurred to me: while God, in his omnipresence, fills all of creation, it is really creation that is contained by him. Charnock wrote:

“In him we live,” is to be understood, not of his power and goodness, perfections of his nature, distinguished according to our manner of conception from his essence, but of the essential presence of God with his creatures. If he had meant it of his efficiency in preserving us, it had not been any proof if his nearness to us. Who would go about to prove the body or sustenance of the sun to be near to us because it doth warm and enlighten us, when our sense evidenceth the distance of it? We live in the beams of the sun, but we cannot be said to live in the sun, which is so far distant from us. The expression seems to be more emphatical than to intend any less than his essential presence; but we live in him not only as the efficient cause of our life, but as the foundation sustaining our lives and motions, as if he were like air, diffused round about us; and we move in him . . . as a sponge in the sea, not containing him, but being contained by him. He compasseth all, is encompassed by none; he fills all, is comprehended by none. The Creator contains the world, the world contains not the Creator; as the hollow of the hand contains the water, the water in the hollow of the hand contains not the hand; and therefore some have chose to say, rather, that the world is in God, it lives and moves in him, than that God is in the world. If all things thus live and move in him, then he is present with everything that hath life and motion; and as long as the devils and damned have life, and motion, and being, so long is he with them; for whatsoever lives and moves, lives and moves in him.

—Stephen Charnock, The Existence and Attributes of God (Baker Books, 2005), 1:374–375

Suitor Approval

A good friend of mine warned me that, as my three daughters became old enough to date, I'd disapprove of every young man who took them out.

But when the time came, I was pleased that my friend's prediction was wrong. Each boy was pleasant and well mannered.

Talking to my daughter Joanna one day, I said that I liked all the young men she and her sisters brought home.

"You know, Dad," she replied, "we don't show you everybody."

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!* http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

Christian Quotation of the Day

Friday, July 3, 2009

Feast of Thomas the Apostle

Meditation:
In the beginning you laid the foundations of the earth,
and the heavens are the work of your hands.
They will perish, but you remain;
they will all wear out like a garment.
Like clothing you will change them
and they will be discarded.
--Psalm 102:25,26 (NIV)

_______________________________________________________________

Quotation:
Long did I toil, and knew no earthly rest,
Far did I rove, and found no certain home;
At last I sought them in His sheltering breast,
Who opes His arms and bids the weary come:
With Him I found a home, a rest divine,
And I since then am His, and He is mine.

The good I have is from His stores supplied:
The ill is only what He deems the best.
He for my friend, I'm rich with naught beside;
And poor without Him, though of all possessed.
Changes may come--I take, or I resign
Content, while I am His, and He is mine.

Whate'er may change, in Him no change is seen,
A glorious Sun, that wanes not, nor declines;
Above the clouds and storms He walks serene,
And on His people's inward darkness shines;
All may depart--I fret not nor repine,
While I my Saviour's am, while He is mine.

While here, alas! I know but half His love,
But half discern Him, and but half adore;
But when I meet Him in the realms above,
I hope to love him better, praise Him more,
And feel, and tell, amid the choir divine,
How fully I am His, and He is mine.
... J. Quarles (1624-1665) & Henry F. Lyte (1793-1847),
Miscellaneous Poems, London: Rivingtons, 1868, p. 75
See the book at http://cqod.com/r/rs101

_______________________________________________________________

Quiet time reflection:
Lord, may I wholly love and praise You.

_______________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________

See the new CQOD Scripture Index
http://www.cqod.com/cqodscr0.htm

I Always Wondered About That

TODAY'S CLEAN LAUGH

During a summer break from my studies at an engineering university, I worked in a scrap yard repairing construction equipment. One afternoon, I was taking apart a piling hammer that had some very large bolts holding it together. One of the nuts had corroded onto the bolt, so I started heating the nut with an oxyacetylene torch. As I was doing this, one of the dimmest apprentices I have ever known came along and asked me what I was doing. I patiently explained that if I heated the nut, it would grow larger and release its grip on the bolt so I could then remove it.

"So things get larger when they get hot, do they?" he asked.

Suddenly, an idea flashed into my mind. "Yes," I said, "that's why days are longer in summer and shorter in winter."

There was a long pause, then his face cleared. "You know, I always wondered about that," he said.

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

And I might add: "They reproduce and vote!!!!!"

Tech Smoke

A guy rings tech support to report that his computer is faulty.

Tech: What's the problem?

User: There is smoke coming out of the power supply.

Tech: You'll need a new power supply.

User: No, I don't! I just need to change the startup files.

Tech: Sir, the power supply is faulty. You'll need to replace it.

User: No way! Someone told me that I just needed to change the startup files and it will fix the problem! All I need is for you to tell me the command.

Ten minutes later, the User is still adamant that they are right. The tech is frustrated and fed up.

Tech: Sorry, Sir. We don't normally tell our customers this, but there is an undocumented DOS command that will fix the problem.

User: I knew it!

Tech: Just add the line LOAD NOSMOKE.COM at the end of the CONFIG.SYS. Let me know how it goes.

Ten minutes later.

User: It didn't work. The power supply is still smoking.

Tech: Well, what version of DOS are you using?

User: MS-DOS 6.22.

Tech: That's your problem there. That version of DOS didn't come with NOSMOKE. Contact Microsoft and ask them for a patch that will give you the file. Let me know how it goes.

One hour later.

User: I need a new power supply.

Tech: How did you come to that conclusion?

User: Well, I rang Microsoft and told him about what you said, and he started asking questions about the make of power supply.

Tech: Then what did he say?

User: He told me that my power supply isn't compatible with NOSMOKE

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

The Wicker Basket

The story is told of an old man who lived on a farm in the
mountains of eastern Kentucky with his young grandson.
Each morning, Grandpa was up early sitting at the kitchen
table reading from his old worn-out Bible. His grandson
who wanted to be just like him tried to imitate him in any way
he could.

One day the grandson asked, 'Papa, I try to read the Bible
just like you but I don't understand it, and what I do
understand I forget as soon as I close the book. What good
does reading the Bible do?' The Grandfather quietly turned
from putting coal in the stove and said, 'Take this old
wicker coal basket down to the river and bring back a
basket of water.'

The boy did as he was told, even though all the water
leaked out be fore he could get back to the house. The
grandfather laughed and said, 'You will have to move a little
faster next time,' and sent him back to the river with the
basket to try again. This time the boy ran faster, but again
the old wicker basket was empty before he returned home.
out of breath, he told his grandfather th at it was 'impossible
to carry water in a basket,' and he went to get a bucket instead.
The old man said, 'I don't want a bucket of water; I want a
basket of water. You can do this. You're just not trying hard
enough,' and he went out the door to watch the boy try again.

At this point, the boy knew it was impossible, but he wanted
to show his grandfather that even if he ran as fast as he could,
the water would leak out before he got far at all. The boy
scooped the water and ran hard, but when he reached his
grandfather the basket was again empty. Out of breath, he said,
'See Papa, it's useless!'

'So you think it is useless?' The old man said, 'Look at the basket.'

The boy looked at the basket and for the first time he realized
that the basket looked different. Instead of a dirty old wicker
coal basket, it was clean.

'Son, that's what happens when you read the Bible. You might not
understand or remember everything, but when you read it, it will
change you from the inside out.'

Moral of the wicker basket story: Take time to read a portion of
God's word each day; it will affect you for good even if you don't
retain a word.

Thought for Today: Gods Love is like the ocean, you can see its
beginnings but not its end.

I really like this story because I don't retain things too well
anymore...old age may have something to do with it but I
just figure my brain just gets overloaded! God isn't concerned
about your brain anyway, He's more concerned about your heart.

Coldness Toward Spouse

This Week's Funny

An old man was lying on his deathbed. He had only hours to live when he suddenly smelled chocolate chip cookies. He loved chocolate chip cookies more than anything in the world.

With his last bit of energy he pulled himself out of bed, struggled across the floor to the stairs, and headed down the stairs into the kitchen. There his wife was baking those aromatic cookies.

As he reached for one—SMACK! He felt a slap across the back of his hand. His wife scolded, "Leave those alone; they're for the funeral!"

—Earliest known source: Tamara Norden, Shorewood, WI, on Prairie Home Companion web site, Fifth Annual Joke Show, (4-1-00); submitted by Brett Kays

Visit PreachingToday.com for more illustrations and preaching resources.

Shopping Plan

TODAY'S CLEAN LAUGH


In the frozen foods department of our local grocery store, I noticed a man shopping with his son.

As I walked by, he checked something off his list, and I heard him whisper conspiratorially to the child;

"You know, if we really mess this up, we'll never have to do it again."

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

Preacher's Best Years

This is an old joke but one of the best Preacher jokes ever!

TODAY'S CLEAN LAUGH

A preacher, who shall we say was "humor impaired," attended a conference to help encourage and better equip pastors for their ministry.

Among the speakers were many well known and dynamic speakers. One such boldly approached the pulpit and, gathering the entire crowd's attention, said, "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman that wasn't my wife!" The crowd was shocked! He followed up by saying, "And that woman was my mother!"

The crowd burst into laughter and delivered the rest of his talk, which went over quite well.

The next week, the pastor decided he'd give this humor thing a try, and use that joke in his sermon. As he surely approached the pulpit that sunny Sunday, he tried to rehearse the joke in his head. It suddenly seemed a bit foggy to him.

Getting to the microphone he said loudly, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of another woman that was not my wife!"

The congregation inhaled half the air in the room.

After standing there for almost 10 seconds in the stunned silence, trying to recall the second half of the joke, the pastor finally blurted out, "...and I can't remember who she was!"

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

Rewiring

TODAY'S CLEAN LAUGH

Because our former small-town parish was not a wealthy one, our pastor was dependent on parishioners for upkeep and maintenance of the church.

Once he asked my husband, Sam, to rewire the confessionals. The only way to reach the wiring was to enter the attic above the altar and crawl over the ceiling by balancing on the rafters.

Concerned for my husband's safety, I waited in a pew.

Unbeknownst to me, some parishioners were congregating in the vestibule. They paid little attention to me, probably assuming I was praying.

Worried about my husband, I looked up toward the ceiling and yelled, "Sam, Sam, are you up there? Did you make it okay?"

There was quite an outburst from the vestibule when Sam's hearty voice echoed down, "Yes, I made it up here just fine!"

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

Now is Passing

From one of Albert Eienstein Books

While people keep waiting and waiting for something big to happen in life, the “now” is passing them by. Do you know how fast a “now” passes? At the rate of 186,000 miles per second, the speed of light. So no matter how much you love and enjoy a particular “now”, that's how fast it becomes a “was”. That “now” is never coming back, and that “was” turns into some”going to be”. So if you don̓?t learn from the “was's”, you're going to have bad “going to be's”. Which completes the cycle by bringing in had “now's”. Thus, the only time you can switch around from a negative to a postive is in the “now”. Because you have to do it now. You can't just think of doing it now because it rapidly becomes a “was” and it's too late. And “going to be”,is you may do it and you may not. So if you do it now, you know it's done and you've got it. If you have a good “now”, you have a good “was”, which leads to a good “going to be”. In other words, by taking advantage of a “now”, you have a good “was”, from which you can learn and change your whole cycle of life.
That's why I never used the word “if” anymore, because an "if" is a never “was”.

Hermanu Minkowski
Physics Teacher

TODAY'S CLEAN LAUGH

If you are an animal lover please visit the link at the bottom of the post. *Hand Dryers* My pastor friend put sanitary hot air hand dryers in the rest rooms at his church and after two weeks took them out. I asked him why and he confessed that they worked fine but when he went in there he saw a sign that read, "For a sample of this week's sermon, push the button." *Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!* http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

EYE LAUGH "Cat and Dog Agents" http://www.cybersalt.org/g06.php?id=120

Masquerade of Innocence

This Week's Funny

A woman was working one night in a Honeybaked Ham store. The store was equipped with security cameras, and she was watching the small, black-and-white monitors when she saw a woman come in the store, walk down the handicapped ramp, and go between two shelves. To the clerk's amazement, this woman grabbed a ham off the shelf and stuffed it up her dress. With the ham wedged between her thighs, the woman waddled toward the door.

The clerk was stunned and wondered what she should do. Should she yell out? Follow the woman?

Just then, the ham dropped out from between the woman's legs. It hit the metal handicapped ramp with a loud bang, and then rolled and clanged to the bottom.

The thief didn't miss a beat. She quickly turned her head and yelled out, "Who threw that ham at me? Who threw that ham at me?" Then she ran out of the store.

—Kevin A. Miller, vice president, Christianity Today International

Visit PreachingToday.com for more illustrations and preaching resources.

Cat Sitting

One night while I was cat-sitting my daughter's indoor feline, it escaped outside. When it failed to return the following morning, I found the beast clinging to a branch about 30 feet up in a spindly tree. Unable to lure it down, I called the fire department.

"We don't do that anymore," the woman dispatcher said. When I persisted, she was polite but firm. "The cat will come down when it gets hungry enough."

"How do you know that?" I asked.

"Have you ever seen a cat skeleton in a tree?" she said.

Two hours later the cat was back, looking for breakfast.

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

Three-Year Argument

The monks at a remote monastery deep in the woods followed a rigid vow of silence. Their vow could only be broken once a year—on Christmas—by one monk. That monk could speak only one sentence. One Christmas, Brother Thomas had his turn to speak and said, "I love the delightful mashed potatoes we have every year with the Christmas roast!" Then he sat down. Silence ensued for 365 days.

The next Christmas, Brother Michael got his turn and said, "I think the mashed potatoes are lumpy, and I truly despise them!" Once again, silence ensued for 365 days.

The following Christmas, Brother Paul rose and said, "I am fed up with this constant bickering!"

—Strive to Humor daily e-mail list (12-19-01); submitted by Doug Diehl, San Antonio, Texas

Visit PreachingToday.com for more illustrations and preaching resources

Meditation:

The people walking in darkness have seen a great light; on
those living in the land of the shadow of death a light has
dawned.
-- Isaiah 9:2 (NIV)

_______________________________________________________________

Quotation:
Visit, I beseech thee, O Lord, this habitation with thy
mercy, and me with thy grace and salvation. Let thy holy
angels pitch their tents round about and dwell here, that no
illusion of the night may abuse me, the spirits of darkness
may not come near to hurt me, no evil or sad accident oppress
me; and let the eternal Spirit of the Father dwell in my soul
and body, filling every corner of my heart with light and
grace. Let no deed of darkness overtake me; and let thy
blessing, most blessed God, be upon me for ever, through Jesus
Christ our Lord. Amen.
... Jeremy Taylor (1613-1667), Holy Living [1650]
See the book at http://cqod.com/r/rs074

Beef Prices

It's a summer holiday weekend and a man walks into a butcher shop which has a sign in the window saying "Ground Sirloin: 29 cents per pound" The man says, "I'm having a cookout this weekend. I'd like 5 pounds of your ground sirloin, please."

The butcher shakes his head and says, "Sorry. I'm all out."

The man, disappointed goes down the street to another butcher shop and asks, "How much is your ground sirloin?"

The proprietor replies, "It's $3.29 per pound."

"Three twenty nine!?!" exclaimed the customer. "Just up the street he sells it for 29 cents!"

The butcher smiles calmly at the gentleman and asks, "Does he have any?"

"No. He's out of it right now."

"Well," says the butcher. "When I don't have any, I can sell it for 19 cents per pound!"

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

Christian Quotation of the Day

May 26, 2009

Feast of Augustine, first Archbishop of Canterbury, 605

Meditation:
Now the Bereans were of more noble character than the
Thessalonians, for they received the message with great
eagerness and examined the Scriptures every day to see if what
Paul said was true.
-- Acts 17:11 (NIV)

_______________________________________________________________

Quotation:
I am verily persuaded that the Lord has more Truth yet to
break forth out of His holy Word. For my part, I cannot
sufficiently bewail the Condition of the Reformed Churches,
who are come to a Period in Religion and will go at present no
farther than the instruments of their Reformation. The
Lutheran can't be drawn to go beyond what Luther saw; and the
Calvinists, you see, stick fast where they were left by that
great man of God, who yet saw not all things... I beseech you,
remember, 'tis an Article of your Church Covenant, that you be
ready to receive whatever Truth shall be made known to you
from the written Word of God.
... John Robinson (1576?-1625) [1620], quoted in The
History of the Puritans, or Protestant Noncomformists,
Daniel Neal, Harper, 1844, vol. 1, p. 269
See the book at http://cqod.com/r/rs068

The Front Pew

We have just returned from a two week church building job in Hallitsville, TX and am catching up on email. The following humor piece is one of the emails.

*The Front Pew*

An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps.

"Where would you like to sit?" he asked politely.

"The front row please," she answered.

"You really don't want to do that," the usher said. "The pastor is really boring."

"Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired.

"No," he said.

"I'm the pastor's mother," she replied indignantly.

"Do you know who I am?" he asked.

"No," she said.

"Good," he answered, "Let me show you the front pew."

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

Let him dig

An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated
each other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be
heard deep into the night.

The old man would shout, 'When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the
grave and come back and haunt you for the re st of your life!' Neighbours
feared him. They believed he practiced black magic, because of the many
strange occurrences that took place in their neighbourhood. The old man
liked the fact that he was feared. To everyone's relief, he died of a
heart attack when he was 98..

His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went
straight to the local bar and began to party, as if there was no
tomorrow..

Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, 'Aren't you afraid that
he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come back
to haunt you for the rest of your life?'
The wife put down her drink and said, 'Let him dig. I had him buried
upside down......'

Thanks

If we pause to think, we'll have cause to thank.
God's highest gift should awaken man's deepest gratitude.
Thanksgiving is a duty before it's a feeling.
He who forgets the language of gratitude is not likely to be on speaking terms with God.
Hem your blessings with gratitude lest they unravel.
Those blessings are sweetest that are won with prayers and worn with thanks.
Gratitude shouldn't be an occasional incident but a continuous attitude.
A thankful heart enjoys blessings twice--when they're received and when they're remembered.
If you wish your merit to be known, acknowledge that of others.
Think sometimes of all that you have instead of wishing for what you don't.
If you are not thankful for what you got, it is doubtful if you'll be thankful for what you will get.
God is found in two places--one of his dwellings is heaven, and the other is in the meek and hankful heart.

It is better to appreciate things you don't have than to have things you don't appreciate.
An ungrateful person is like a hog under a tree eating acorns, but never looking up to see where they came from.
A thankful heart is not only the greatest virtue but the parent of all other virtues.
We are the objects of God's grace; let him be the object of our gratitude.
Thanksgiving is memory of the heart.
Thank you may be written in small letters but is a capital idea.
If you can't be thankful for what you receive, be thankful for what you escape.
If Christians praised God more, the world would doubt him less.
Appreciation and praise are the lubrication that makes life more enjoyable to us and others.
Thanksgiving is good, but thanksliving is better.
God's giving deserves our thanksgiving.
It is a bad moment for an atheist when he feels grateful--whom does he thank?
Joy thrives in the soul of thanksgiving.
Thanking the Lord in adversity changes burdens into blessings.
I grumbled because I had to get up every morning--until one morning I couldn't get up.
Thanking God for our blessings extends them--failing to thank him will soon end them.
Appreciation is one of the rarest but one of the most beautiful virtues.
No matter how high a man may rise, he must have someone to look up to.
He who is not grateful for the good things he has would not be happy with what he wishes he had.
Anything scarce is valuable--thanks is an example.
It is better to say thank you and not mean it, than to mean it and never say it.
Thankfulness is the soil in which joy thrives.
If a man needs praise--give it to him. He cannot read his tombstone.

-- Croft M. Pentz, The Complete Book of Zingers (Wheaton: Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., 1990).

Where Love Reigns

WHERE LOVE REIGNS
BY H.A. IRONSIDE


“Thou shalt love the Lord thy God”1—If God is loved supremely, no one will violate anything that He has commanded. This covers particularly the first Table of the Law, which sets forth man’s duty to God.
“Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself”2—This originally came from Leviticus 19:18 and covers all of the second Table, for “love worketh no ill to his neighbor.”3

Where love reigns, all else will be as it should be, for no one who truly loves God and his or her neighbor will intentionally wrong either God or neighbor4 All the Law and the prophets hang upon these two Commandments cited by Jesus, for every sin that we commit is either a wrong done to God Himself or to our fellow men. The salvation provided for us is first an atonement to meet all our sins, and second a regeneration to enable us to love God and our neighbor so as to cease from sin.

We have become alienated from God through the Fall. When we are born again by the Word and the Holy Spirit, we receive eternal life. The very nature of this new life is love, and therefore love becomes the controlling principle of the life of the person walking with Christ. Walking not after the flesh but after the Holy Spirit, the righteousness of the Law comes to fulfillment5, and we find it as easy to love God and our neighbor as it was easy before to live in selfishness and ill will toward others. A new power dominates us. This is the positive evidence of the new birth in Christ.6



(1) Deuteronomy 6:5, KJV; Matthew 22:37, KJV. (2) Leviticus 19:18, KJV;
Matthew 22:39, KJV. (3) Romans 13:10, KJV. (4) Matthew 7:12. (5) Romans
8:4. (6) 1 John 3:14; 1 John 5:1—2.

Above from “Foundations for Life” a Billy Graham Library Collection, Copyright 2001 Billy Graham Evangelistic Association.

Celibacy

Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.

While attending a Marriage Weekend, Walter and his wife, Ann, listened to the instructor declare, 'It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.'

He then addressed the men, 'Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?'

Walter leaned over, touched Ann's arm gently, and whispered, 'Gold Medal-All-purpose, isn't it?'

And thus began Walter's life of celibacy.

An Additional Poster

My wife, Patty, has joined me on this Blog. Our profile is changed and as time goes on she will be posting from time to time.

Doctor's Orders

TODAY'S CLEAN LAUGH Doctor: "I see you're over a month late for your appointment. Don't you know that nervous disorders require prompt and regular attention? What's your excuse?" Patient: "I was just following your orders, Doc." Doctor: "Following my orders? What are you talking about? I gave you no such order." Patient: "You told me to avoid people who irritate me." *Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!* http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

EYE LAUGH "Unattended Children" http://www.cybersalt.org/g06.php?id=52

Hybrid Car

My uncle in Detroit tried to make a new kind of car. He took the engine from a Ford, the transmission from an Oldsmobile, the tires from a Cadillac, and the exhaust system from a Plymouth."

"Really? What did he get?"

"Fifteen years for theft."

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh *Hybrid Car*

C. S. Lewis on Prayer

Quotation:

Can we believe that God ever really modifies His action in
response to the suggestions of man? For infinite wisdom does
not need telling what is best, and infinite goodness needs no
urging to do it. But neither does God need any of those things
that are done by finite agents, whether living or inanimate.
He could, if He chose, repair our bodies miraculously without
food; or give us food without the aid of farmers, bakers, and
butchers; or knowledge without the aid of learned men; or
convert the heathen without missionaries. Instead, He allows
soils and weather and animals and the muscles, minds, and
wills of men to cooperate in the execution of His will. "God,"
says Pascal, "instituted prayer in order to lend to His
creatures the dignity of causality." But it is not only
prayer; whenever we act at all, He lends us that dignity. It
is not really stranger, nor less strange, that my prayers
should affect the course of events than that my other actions
should do so.

... C. S. Lewis (1898-1963), The Efficacy of Prayer, pp. 9-10
See the book at http://cqod.com/r/rs045

Bedtime Suggestion

This entry just had to be made! Enjoy.

I'd had a pretty hectic day with my four-year-old. When bed-time finally came, I laid down the law: "We're putting on your p.j.s, brushing your teeth, and reading ONE book. Then it's lights out!"

Her arms went around my neck in a gentle embrace, and she said, "We learned in Sunday school about little boys and girls who don't have mommies and daddies."

Even after I'd been such a grouch, I thought, she was still grateful to have me. I felt tears begin to well up in my eyes, and then she whispered, "Maybe you could go be THEIR mom?"

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

We are home

We returned on Saturday. The job in Memphis, Texas was as complete as any job we had worked on. The church people have only to paint, have the carpet laid, kitchen cabinets installed, install the ceiling panels (we finished the lay in ceiling grid) and the restroom fixtures installed and they will be ready to use their new Fellowship Hall.

When we got home, the welcome but extensive rain had caused problems for the foundation under the swimming pool. Corrective work is in order!

It is good to be home!!

The Good Lord gave us a safe trip up and back, a total of almost 800 miles. Thank You Lord!!

Time Out

We will be leaving on April 9th to help build a church.

We should be back on line by the end of April.

Meditation

Meditation:
[Jesus:] At that time the sign of the Son of Man will
appear in the sky, and all the nations of the earth will
mourn. They will see the Son of Man coming on the clouds of
the sky, with power and great glory. And he will send his
angels with a loud trumpet call, and they will gather his
elect from the four winds, from one end of the heavens to the
other.
-- Matthew 24:30,31 (NIV)

_______________________________________________________________

Quotation:
Now, if our hopes, whatever we protest, really lie in this
world instead of in the eternal order, we shall find it
difficult to accept the New Testament teaching of the Second
Coming. In our eyes the job is not yet done, and such an
action would be, though we would not put it so, an
interference. But suppose our hope rests in the purpose of
God, then we safely leave the timing of the earthly experiment
to Him. Meanwhile we do what we were told to do--to be alert
and to work and to pray for the spread of His Kingdom.
... J. B. Phillips (1906-1982), New Testament Christianity
[1956], chapt. v.
See the book at http://cqod.com/r/rs018

Dollar Math

TODAY'S CLEAN LAUGH *Dollar Math* "If you had one dollar and you asked your father for another, how many dollars would you have?" Vinny raised his hand and answered, "One dollar." The teacher shook her head. "You don't know your math." Vinny replied, "You don't know my father." *Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!* http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

EYE LAUGH "BF Fight"

Flower OIl

TODAY'S CLEAN LAUGH


When I go to a local discount store to get oil and filters for my car, I buy my wife a bouquet of flowers on display near the checkout counter.

During one trip, some women in line behind me were oohing and aahing about a husband getting flowers for his wife. "How often do you do that?" one asked.

Before I could answer, the cashier, more than familiar with my routine, said, "Every three months or 3,000 miles, whichever comes first."

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*

http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

Palm Sunday

Meditation:
[Jesus:] "When you are brought before synagogues, rulers
and authorities, do not worry about how you will defend
yourselves or what you will say, for the Holy Spirit will
teach you at that time what you should say."
-- Luke 12:11,12 (NIV)

_______________________________________________________________

Quotation:
No man ever did, nor ever shall, truly go forth to convert
the nations, nor to prophesy in the present state of witnesses
against Antichrist, but by the gracious inspiration and
instigation of the Holy Spirit of God... I prejudice not an
external test and call, which was at first and shall be again
in force at the resurrection of the churches, ... but in the
present state of things I cannot but be humbly bold to say
that I know no other true sender but the most Holy Spirit. And
when He sends, His messengers will go, His prophets will
prophesy, though all the world should forbid them.
... Roger Williams (1603?-1683), The Hireling Ministry
[1652], pp. 3-4
See the book at http://cqod.com/r/rs015

Fargo Flood!

Be sure to check the following web for some great shots! While there read some of the many posted comments. The personal observation was sent to me but the author was not identified.

http://www.boston.com/bigpicture/2009/03/red_river_flooding.html

Just a personal observation...as I watched the news coverage of the massive flooding in the Midwest with the levee's about to break in Fargo, ND, what amazed me is not what we saw, but what we didn't see...

1. We don't see looting.

2. We don't see street violence.

3. We don't see people sitting on their rooftops waiting for the government to come and save them.

4. We don't see people waiting on the government to do anything.

5. We don't see Hollywood organizing benefits to raise money for people to rebuild.

6. We don't see people blaming President Obama. (Except for Don Marchant, post #30)

7. We don't see people ignoring evacuation orders.

8. We don't see people blaming a government conspiracy to blow up the levees as the reason some have not held.

9. We don't see the US Senators or the Governor of North Dakota crying on TV.

10. We don't see the Mayors of any of these cities complaining about the lack of state or federal response.

11. We don't see or hear reports of the police going around confiscating personal firearms so only the criminal will be armed.

12. We don't see gangs of people going around and randomly shooting at the rescue workers.

13. You don't see some leaders in this country blaming the bad behavior of the North Dakota flood victims on "society" (of course there is no wide spread reports of lawlessness to require excuses).

Flower Oil

Flower Oil*

When I go to a local discount store to get oil and filters for my car, I buy my wife a bouquet of flowers on display near the checkout counter.

During one trip, some women in line behind me were oohing and aahing about a husband getting flowers for his wife. "How often do you do that?" one asked.

Before I could answer, the cashier, more than familiar with my routine, said, "Every three months or 3,000 miles, whichever comes first."

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

Kind Word

TODAY'S CLEAN LAUGH

*Kind Word*

A man walked into a restaurant in a strange town. The waiter came and asked him for his order. Feeling lonely, he replied, "Meat loaf and a kind word."

When the waiter returned with the meat loaf, the man said, "Okay, so where's the kind word?"

The waiter put down the meat loaf and sighed, bent down, and whispered gently, "Don't eat the meat loaf."

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

Good Singer

TODAY'S CLEAN LAUGH

*Good Singer*

In a Brooklyn upscale pet shop, an elderly woman burst into the store. "I want to buy a canary, but it's got to be a real good singer. I've got good, hard U.S. cash, but I'm only paying only for a good singer."

The shop owner began moving a ladder towards a small cage on a shelf about fifteen feet up, near the ceiling of the store. "Ma'am, I'm forty years in this business. In that cage is the best singer I've ever had ."

"Don't think I'm gonna feel obligated to pay for something I don't want just because you're climbing up a ladder like a monkey. I want a canary but it's got to be the best singer."

By this point the shop keeper was coming down from the ladder. "Ma'am, this bird is a veritable feathered Caruso!" Placing the cage on the counter, the bird burst into melody after melody.

Awed, the woman murmured, "This bird is really a good singer."

Suddenly in a shrill scream, "Hey, what's with you? This bird's only got one leg."

The pet store owner was unperturbed, "Lady what do you want a singer ? . . . . . or a dancer?"

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

Christian Quotation of the Day

Good Morning,

The following is a copy of an email sent to me today as they do each day. You may want to sign up for these to come to you each day.

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Christian Quotation of the Day

March 27, 2009

Meditation:
Before long, the world will not see me anymore, but you
will see me. Because I live, you also will live. On that day
you will realize that I am in my Father, and you are in me,
and I am in you.
-- John 14:19,20 (NIV)

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Quotation:
If I could hear Christ praying for me in the next room, I
would not fear a million enemies. Yet distance makes no
difference. He is praying for me.
... Robert Murray M'Cheyne (1813-1843), The Life and
Remains, Letters, Lectures, and Poems of the Rev.
Robert Murray McCheyne, Andrew Alexander Bonar, New
York, R. Carter, 1866, p.138
See the book at http://cqod.com/r/rs026

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Quiet time reflection:
Lord, Your presence drives out all fear.

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This week's suggested answers are now available at
http://www.cqod.com/QBS

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http://www.cqod.com/cqoddtcb.html

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Now is the Time

All stories copyright 2009 Bob Perks
Today's message:
"Now is the time"
By Bob Perks

I've wasted it.

I've spent it.

I've given it.

I've passed it.

I've sold it.

Now I'm trying to find more of it.

Time.

I've discovered that no one knows exactly what time it is.

I was driving the other day and listening to my radio.
The announcer said it was 2:15. I looked at the clock
on the radio dial and it said it was 2:10. I don't wear
a watch anymore because I carry a phone with me. Unable
to reach for the phone, I looked for a clock along the
road I was traveling.

The bank clock said it was 2:18.

Coming to a red light I pulled my cell phone out and
when I opened it it said 2:20.

All of this within a two minute travel time and none
of the clocks agreed or even came close to agreeing.

When I arrived home My kitchen clock said it was now
2:45. My microwave said it was 2:42. My dining room
clock said it was 2:40.

My phone?

2:46.

The words from a song by the group Chicago came to mind.

"Does anyone really know what time it is?
Does anyone really care?"
No I can't imagine why
We've all got time enough to cry"

So, I began to think about how really precious time is
and decided to begin collecting it.

Every time I find a difference between one clock
and another, I'll just save the minutes. I'll choose
to take the earlier time.

Now, that will most likely make me late for appointments.
Or everyone else early.

Then I realized something. There really isn't any time
at all. Time was a tool created by mankind in an effort
to keep track of everything.

The truth is the only real time is now.

Do you understand that?

I'll say it again...The truth is the only real time is now.

At this very second it is today and tomorrow depending on
where you live in the world.

Forget the calendar, too.

It's day time and night time at the same time in the world.

It is sunrise and sunset and summer and winter.

In that same second there is birth and death.

Beginnings and endings.

Happiness and sadness.

You and me.

So, what are you going to do?

Really, if all you have is now, are you going to sit down
or stand up?

If all you have is now are you going to stop or go?

If all you have is now, are you going to hate or love?

If all you have is now, are you going to forgive or grudge?

If all you have is now, are you going to live or wait to die?

Time.

The truth is the only real time is now.

Now...what are you going to do?

"I believe in you!"
Bob

I encourage you to share my stories but
I do ask that you keep my name and contact
information with my work.

If you would like to receive Bob's Inspirational
stories, please visit http://www.IWishYouEnough.com
and submit your email address.

Sometimes

"Sometimes"
By Bob Perks

Sometimes.

I watched that day as two men played cards in a nearby park. It was a warm, sunny day blessed
with an occasional breeze just when you needed it.

I saw it as the kind of day I would rather be restingin a lounge chair in my yard with a cool drink withinreach. Eyes closed, baseball cap tilted slightly over my eyes to shade them from the sun.

Here I was, walking in the park perhaps in search ofthe perfect tree to sit under while watching the world go by. It is another one of my favorite things to do; watch the world go by.

Two men caught my eye when I arrived. Because they were playing cards, I thought it was best not tointerrupt them.

Instead, they called to me.

"Hey, fella!" one man shouted. "Come over here and settle this."

This might not be a good thing.

"Are you asking me to take sides on a bet?" I asked as I walked toward them.

"Not a bet," he said.

"Keep in mind, sometimes you win and sometimes you lose," I added.

The other man began laughing hysterically.

"There you go. I told you. That's exactly what I said," the man shouted.

I was a bit confused at this point. I thought they were going to ask me about the card game. I don't play cards, so I thought I'd be safe in this conversation.

"What's this all about?" I asked.

"Sometimes," the man said.

"Sometimes what?"

"The word. I just told my friend that sometimes is a philosophy. He brought it up when I lost the last hand. He said exactly what you said, "Sometimes you win..."

"How's that a philosophy?"

"My parents, my father in particular, always used that word when I asked about things growing up," he said.

Pausing for a moment as though he was remembering some particular conversations, he continued.

"It is how I was raised. Now that I look back I see how limiting that was and wonder how much more I could have accomplished," he said.

"Give me an example," I asked.

"We were poor. If I asked him if poor people ever get rich, he'd say sometimes. If I asked if I was smart enough, he'd say sometimes. If I asked if he loved me, he'd say sometimes."

The sunlight that warmed the day suddenly sparkled in the corner of his eye. That last thought brought a tear.

"So, hearing your friend say, "Sometimes you win," made you think about that?"

"Yes," he said in a whisper.

"So, what's stopping you now?" I asked.

He looked surprised.

"Men our age don't get second chances," his friend said.

"Sometimes," I said. He smiled.

"But here are three ways to change that."

First...Every ending is a new beginning. If retirement brings an ending, freedom to dream big
doesn't end there.

Second...they say attitude is everything so choose a better one than that.

Third...take on the challenge to change the perception of being old. It's nice playing cards in the park. Why not be proactive in your community. If you have children, prove to them it's never too late to begin again.

The truth is sometimes you win but you always learn from losing. That's a win, too."

The man stood up to shake my hand.

"Sometimes," he said with emphasis, "you have a second chance and you don't know it," he said.

"It is how I was raised. Now that I look back I see how limiting that was and wonder how much
more I could have accomplished," he said.

"What's stopping you now?" I asked. It was a simple word but in his childhood it was more of a philosophy.

"When God can't get you to see it, "Sometimes" he sends a "Friend you never met" to remind you, I added.

"I believe in you!"

Bob

I encourage you to share my stories but I do ask that you keep my name and contact information with my work. All stories copyright 2008 Bob Perks

Happy Marriage

A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything.

They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about. For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said She would not recover.

In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside.

She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000.

He asked her about the contents. 'When we were to be married,' she said, 'my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.'

The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.

'Honey,' he said, 'that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?'

'Oh,' she said, 'that's the money I made from selling the dolls.'


A Prayer.......

Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him, and Patience for his moods. Because Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death, because I don't have time to crochet.

Thank you Earleen for this one!!!

A Vanished Friend

May the following item inspire us to do much better in keeping in touch with each other.

A Vanished Friend

Around the corner I have a friend,
In this great city that has no end,
Yet the days go by and the weeks rush on,
And before I know it, a year is gone.

And I never see my old friend’s face,
For life is a swift and terrible race,
He knows I like him just as well,
As in the days when I rang his bell.

And he rang mine but we were younger then,
And now we are busy, tired men.
Tired of playing a foolish game,
Tired of trying to make a name.

“Tomorrow” I say! “I will call Jim
Just to show that I’m thinking of him.”
But tomorrow comes and tomorrow goes,
And distance between us grows and grows.

Around the corner, yet miles away,
“Here’s a telegram sir,” “Jim died today.”
And that’s what we get and deserve in the end.
Around the corner, a vanished friend.

Author Unknown

A. W. Tozer for January 1, 2009

January: Personal Life

Some things may be neglected with but little loss to the spiritual life, but to neglect communion with God is to hurt ourselves where we cannot afford it.

The Root of the Righteous, 9.

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Read about A. W. Tozer

January 1

Personal Life: Thus Saith the Lord

Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path. --Psalm 119:105

Every new year is an uncharted and unknown sea. No ship has ever sailed this way before. The wisest of earth's sons and daughters cannot tell us what we may encounter on this journey. Familiarity with the past may afford us a general idea of what we may expect, but just where the rocks lie hidden beneath the surface or when that "tempestuous wind called Euroclydon" may sweep down upon us suddenly, no one can say with certainty....

Now more than at any other time in generations, the believer is in a position to go on the offensive. The world is lost on a wide sea, and Christians alone know the way to the desired haven. While things were going well, the world scorned them with their Bible and hymns, but now the world needs them desperately, and it needs that despised Bible, too. For in the Bible, and there only, is found the chart to tell us where we are going on this rough and unknown ocean. The day when Christians should meekly apologize is over--they can get the world's attention not by trying to please, but by boldly declaring the truth of divine revelation. They can make themselves heard not by compromise, but by taking the affirmative and sturdily declaring, "Thus saith the Lord." This World: Playground or Battleground? pp. 9-10

"Lord, guide me carefully on this uncharted sea of a new year as I daily seek You in Your word. Then use me mightily as Your servant this year as I boldly proclaim Your word in leading others. Amen."

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Today's "Insight for Leaders" is taken by permission from the book, Tozer on Christian Leadership, published by WingSpread Publishers.

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