Quotes Taken from actual performance evaluations:
"Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."
"His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."
"I would not allow this employee to breed."
"This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't be."
"Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
"When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there."
"He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."
"This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
"He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
"This employee should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better."
"This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
Thursday, October 26, 2006
Wednesday, October 25, 2006
Preacher/Barber
There was once a small rural community--so small, in fact,
that the only church in town was a small Baptist church
whose pastor had to double up as the local barber to make
ends meet.
A man living in this small community had invested wisely and
was enjoying his newfound comfort. This man got out of bed
one day to go through his daily routine. He looked into the
mirror as he was about to shave and said to himself, "I make
enough money now that I don't have to shave myself. I'll go
down to the barber and let him shave me from now on." So he
did.
He walked into the barber shop and found the preacher/barber
was out calling on shut-ins. The barber's wife, Grace, said,
"I usually do the shaves anyway. Sit down and I'll shave
you." So he did.
She shaved him and he asked, "How much do I owe you?"
"Twenty-five dollars," Grace replied. The man thought that
was somewhat expensive and that he might have to get a shave
every other day. Nonetheless, he paid Grace and went on his
way.
The next day, he woke up and found his face to be just as
smooth as the day before. No need for a shave today, he
thought. Well, it was a $25 shave.
The next day he awoke to find his face as smooth as a baby's
bottom. Wow! he thought. It amazed him, as he normally would
need to shave daily to keep his clean-shaven business look.
Day 3, he woke up and his face was still as smooth as the
minute after Grace had finished. Now, somewhat perplexed,
the man went down to the barber shop to ask some questions.
This particular day, the pastor was in, and the man asked
him why his face was as smooth as it was the first day it
was shaven.
The kind old pastor gently explained, "Friend, you were
shaved by Grace, and once shaved, always shaved."
Received from Pastor Tim.
--
Rate this funny at
http://www.gcfl.net/archive.php?funny=20061025
Brought to you by GCFL.net: The Good, Clean Funnies List
A cheerful heart is good medicine... (Prov 17:22a)
Mail address: GCFL, Box 100, Harvest, AL 35749, USA
that the only church in town was a small Baptist church
whose pastor had to double up as the local barber to make
ends meet.
A man living in this small community had invested wisely and
was enjoying his newfound comfort. This man got out of bed
one day to go through his daily routine. He looked into the
mirror as he was about to shave and said to himself, "I make
enough money now that I don't have to shave myself. I'll go
down to the barber and let him shave me from now on." So he
did.
He walked into the barber shop and found the preacher/barber
was out calling on shut-ins. The barber's wife, Grace, said,
"I usually do the shaves anyway. Sit down and I'll shave
you." So he did.
She shaved him and he asked, "How much do I owe you?"
"Twenty-five dollars," Grace replied. The man thought that
was somewhat expensive and that he might have to get a shave
every other day. Nonetheless, he paid Grace and went on his
way.
The next day, he woke up and found his face to be just as
smooth as the day before. No need for a shave today, he
thought. Well, it was a $25 shave.
The next day he awoke to find his face as smooth as a baby's
bottom. Wow! he thought. It amazed him, as he normally would
need to shave daily to keep his clean-shaven business look.
Day 3, he woke up and his face was still as smooth as the
minute after Grace had finished. Now, somewhat perplexed,
the man went down to the barber shop to ask some questions.
This particular day, the pastor was in, and the man asked
him why his face was as smooth as it was the first day it
was shaven.
The kind old pastor gently explained, "Friend, you were
shaved by Grace, and once shaved, always shaved."
Received from Pastor Tim.
--
Rate this funny at
http://www.gcfl.net/archive.php?funny=20061025
Brought to you by GCFL.net: The Good, Clean Funnies List
A cheerful heart is good medicine... (Prov 17:22a)
Mail address: GCFL, Box 100, Harvest, AL 35749, USA
Tuesday, October 24, 2006
Hope
22 [Because of] the Lord’s faithful love we do not perish, for His mercies never end.
23 They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness!
24 I say: The Lord is my portion, therefore I will put my hope in Him.
25 The Lord is good to those who wait for Him, to the person who seeks Him.
26 It is good to wait quietly for deliverance from the Lord.
Lam 3:22-26 (HCSB)
*******************
Sometimes our concept of our own importance gets in the way of being honest with God and even at times with others as the following bit of humor points out.
As a professor at Texas A & M, I taught during the day and did research at night. I would usually take a break around nine, however, calling up the strategy game Warcraft on the Internet and playing with an on-line team.
One night I was paired with a veteran of the game who was a master strategist. With him at the helm, our troops crushed opponent after opponent, and after six games we were undefeated.
Suddenly my fearless leader informed me his mom wanted him to go to bed.
"How old are you?" I typed.
"Twelve," he replied. "How old are you?"
Feeling my face redden, I answered, "Eight."
23 They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness!
24 I say: The Lord is my portion, therefore I will put my hope in Him.
25 The Lord is good to those who wait for Him, to the person who seeks Him.
26 It is good to wait quietly for deliverance from the Lord.
Lam 3:22-26 (HCSB)
*******************
Sometimes our concept of our own importance gets in the way of being honest with God and even at times with others as the following bit of humor points out.
As a professor at Texas A & M, I taught during the day and did research at night. I would usually take a break around nine, however, calling up the strategy game Warcraft on the Internet and playing with an on-line team.
One night I was paired with a veteran of the game who was a master strategist. With him at the helm, our troops crushed opponent after opponent, and after six games we were undefeated.
Suddenly my fearless leader informed me his mom wanted him to go to bed.
"How old are you?" I typed.
"Twelve," he replied. "How old are you?"
Feeling my face redden, I answered, "Eight."
Saturday, October 21, 2006
Information Please
-------------------------------------------------
MountainWings A MountainWings Moment
#2101 Wings Over The Mountains of Life
-------------------------------------------------
INFORMATION PLEASE
==================
When I was very young, my father had one of the first telephones
in our neighborhood.
I remember well, the polished old case fastened to the wall and
the shiny receiver on the side of the box. I was too little to
reach the telephone but used to listen with fascination when my
mother would talk to it.
Then I discovered that somewhere inside the wonderful device
lived an amazing person and her name was "Information Please"
and there was nothing she did not know.
"Information Please" could supply anybody's number and the
correct time.
My first personal experience with this genie-in-a-bottle came
one day while my mother was visiting a neighbor.
Amusing myself at the tool bench in the basement, I whacked my
finger with a hammer. The pain was terrible but there didn't
seem to be any reason in crying because there was no one home to
give me sympathy.
I walked around the house sucking my throbbing finger, finally
arriving at the stairway. The telephone!
Quickly, I ran for the footstool in the parlor and held it to my
ear.
"Information Please," I said into the mouthpiece just above my
head. A click or two and a small clear voice spoke into my ear.
"Information."
"I hurt my finger," I wailed into the phone. The tears came
readily enough now that I had an audience.
"Isn't your mother home?" came the question.
"Nobody's home but me," I blubbered.
"Are you bleeding?" the voice asked.
"No," I replied. "I hit my finger with a hammer and it hurts."
"Can you open your icebox?" she asked. I said I could.
"Then chip off a piece of ice and hold it to your finger," said
the voice.
After that, I called "Information Please" for everything.
I asked her for help with my geography and she told me where
Philadelphia was. She helped me with my math. She told me that
my pet chipmunk, which I had caught in the park just the day
before, would eat fruit and nuts.
Then there was the time Petey, our pet canary died. I called
"Information Please" and told her the sad story.
She listened, then said the usual thing grown ups say to soothe
a child. But, I was inconsolable.
I asked her, "Why is it that birds should sing so beautifully
and bring joy to all families, only to end up as a heap of
feathers on the bottom of a cage?"
She must have sensed my deep concern, for she said quietly,
"You must remember that there are other worlds to sing in."
Somehow, I felt better.
Another day I was on the telephone. "Information Please."
"Information," said the now familiar voice.
"How do you spell fix?" I asked.
All this took place in a small town in the Pacific Northwest.
When I was nine years old, we moved across the country to
Boston. I missed my friend very much. "Information Please"
belonged in that old wooden box back home and somehow I never
thought of trying the tall, new shiny phone that sat on the
table in the hall.
As I grew into my teens, the memories of those childhood
conversations never really left me. Often in moments of doubt
and perplexity, I would recall the serene sense of security I
had then.
I appreciated now how patient, understanding, and kind she was
to have spent her time on a little boy.
A few years later, on my way west to college, my plane put down
in Seattle. I had about half-an-hour or so between planes.
I spent 15 minutes or so on the phone with my sister who lived
there now.
Then, without thinking about what I was doing, I dialed my
hometown operator and said, "Information Please."
Miraculously, I heard the small clear voice I knew so well.
"Information."
I hadn't planned this, but I heard myself saying,
"Could you please tell me how to spell fix?"
There was a long pause.
Then came the soft spoken answer, "I guess your finger must be
healed by now."
I laughed, "So it's really still you," I said. "I wonder if you
have any idea how much you meant to me during that time?"
"I wonder," she said, "if you know how much your calls meant to
me. I never had any children and I used to look forward to your
calls."
I told her how often I had thought of her over the years and
asked if I could call her again when I came back to visit my
sister.
"Please do," she said. "Just ask for Sally."
Three months later, I was back in Seattle.
A different voice answered,
"Information." I asked for Sally.
"Are you a friend?" she said.
"Yes, a very old friend," I answered.
"I'm sorry to have to tell you this," she said.
"Sally had been working part time in the last few years because
she was sick.
She died five weeks ago."
Before I could hang up she said, "Wait a minute. Are you Paul?"
"Yes."
"Well, Sally left a message for you.
She wrote it down in case you called when she was too sick to
work.
Let me read it to you." The note said,
"Tell him I still say there are other worlds to sing in.
He'll know what I mean."
I thanked her and hung up. I knew what Sally meant.
Never underestimate the impression you make on others.
~Author Unknown~
Send issue 2101 to a friend click http://www.ztaf.com/mw.htm
or simply click FORWARD on your email program
Thank you for inviting MountainWings in your mailbox.
See you tomorrow.
MountainWings A MountainWings Moment
#2101 Wings Over The Mountains of Life
-------------------------------------------------
INFORMATION PLEASE
==================
When I was very young, my father had one of the first telephones
in our neighborhood.
I remember well, the polished old case fastened to the wall and
the shiny receiver on the side of the box. I was too little to
reach the telephone but used to listen with fascination when my
mother would talk to it.
Then I discovered that somewhere inside the wonderful device
lived an amazing person and her name was "Information Please"
and there was nothing she did not know.
"Information Please" could supply anybody's number and the
correct time.
My first personal experience with this genie-in-a-bottle came
one day while my mother was visiting a neighbor.
Amusing myself at the tool bench in the basement, I whacked my
finger with a hammer. The pain was terrible but there didn't
seem to be any reason in crying because there was no one home to
give me sympathy.
I walked around the house sucking my throbbing finger, finally
arriving at the stairway. The telephone!
Quickly, I ran for the footstool in the parlor and held it to my
ear.
"Information Please," I said into the mouthpiece just above my
head. A click or two and a small clear voice spoke into my ear.
"Information."
"I hurt my finger," I wailed into the phone. The tears came
readily enough now that I had an audience.
"Isn't your mother home?" came the question.
"Nobody's home but me," I blubbered.
"Are you bleeding?" the voice asked.
"No," I replied. "I hit my finger with a hammer and it hurts."
"Can you open your icebox?" she asked. I said I could.
"Then chip off a piece of ice and hold it to your finger," said
the voice.
After that, I called "Information Please" for everything.
I asked her for help with my geography and she told me where
Philadelphia was. She helped me with my math. She told me that
my pet chipmunk, which I had caught in the park just the day
before, would eat fruit and nuts.
Then there was the time Petey, our pet canary died. I called
"Information Please" and told her the sad story.
She listened, then said the usual thing grown ups say to soothe
a child. But, I was inconsolable.
I asked her, "Why is it that birds should sing so beautifully
and bring joy to all families, only to end up as a heap of
feathers on the bottom of a cage?"
She must have sensed my deep concern, for she said quietly,
"You must remember that there are other worlds to sing in."
Somehow, I felt better.
Another day I was on the telephone. "Information Please."
"Information," said the now familiar voice.
"How do you spell fix?" I asked.
All this took place in a small town in the Pacific Northwest.
When I was nine years old, we moved across the country to
Boston. I missed my friend very much. "Information Please"
belonged in that old wooden box back home and somehow I never
thought of trying the tall, new shiny phone that sat on the
table in the hall.
As I grew into my teens, the memories of those childhood
conversations never really left me. Often in moments of doubt
and perplexity, I would recall the serene sense of security I
had then.
I appreciated now how patient, understanding, and kind she was
to have spent her time on a little boy.
A few years later, on my way west to college, my plane put down
in Seattle. I had about half-an-hour or so between planes.
I spent 15 minutes or so on the phone with my sister who lived
there now.
Then, without thinking about what I was doing, I dialed my
hometown operator and said, "Information Please."
Miraculously, I heard the small clear voice I knew so well.
"Information."
I hadn't planned this, but I heard myself saying,
"Could you please tell me how to spell fix?"
There was a long pause.
Then came the soft spoken answer, "I guess your finger must be
healed by now."
I laughed, "So it's really still you," I said. "I wonder if you
have any idea how much you meant to me during that time?"
"I wonder," she said, "if you know how much your calls meant to
me. I never had any children and I used to look forward to your
calls."
I told her how often I had thought of her over the years and
asked if I could call her again when I came back to visit my
sister.
"Please do," she said. "Just ask for Sally."
Three months later, I was back in Seattle.
A different voice answered,
"Information." I asked for Sally.
"Are you a friend?" she said.
"Yes, a very old friend," I answered.
"I'm sorry to have to tell you this," she said.
"Sally had been working part time in the last few years because
she was sick.
She died five weeks ago."
Before I could hang up she said, "Wait a minute. Are you Paul?"
"Yes."
"Well, Sally left a message for you.
She wrote it down in case you called when she was too sick to
work.
Let me read it to you." The note said,
"Tell him I still say there are other worlds to sing in.
He'll know what I mean."
I thanked her and hung up. I knew what Sally meant.
Never underestimate the impression you make on others.
~Author Unknown~
Send issue 2101 to a friend click http://www.ztaf.com/mw.htm
or simply click FORWARD on your email program
Thank you for inviting MountainWings in your mailbox.
See you tomorrow.
Friday, October 20, 2006
Broken Lawn Mower
Don’t try this at home….
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, fishing, always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a few minutes. When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.
"When you finish cutting the grass," I said, "you might as well sweep the sidewalk."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.
Thanks Arnold
*****************
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, fishing, always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a few minutes. When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.
"When you finish cutting the grass," I said, "you might as well sweep the sidewalk."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.
Thanks Arnold
*****************
Thursday, October 19, 2006
Rough Landing
"I can just imagine that the passengers on this flight clapped after the plane came to a stop - at least the ones who were still conscious."
Rough Landing
*********************
During a January revival an evangelist asked the people in line what they needed. One man's request was for his hearing. The evangelist spit on his finger, put it in the man's ear, prayed for him and asked him, "How's your hearing?"
The man replied, "I don't know. It's not until next Tuesday."
--------------
Old Jeb is the laziest man in the county. One day his best friend drove by his farm and noticed his barn was on fire. "Your barn's burning down," he yelled.
"I know it," replied Jeb.
"Well, ain't ya gonna do somethin'?" asked the friend.
"Do somethin'?" responded Jeb. "'Bout what?"
"Why about puttin' out the fire, ya durn fool." answered the friend.
"I am doin' somethin'." replied Jeb.
"What the heck are you doin', jist sittin' there 'n all?" asked Jeb's friend.
"I ain't jist sittin'," replied Jeb, "I'm sittin' here prayin' for rain."
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh
Rough Landing
*********************
During a January revival an evangelist asked the people in line what they needed. One man's request was for his hearing. The evangelist spit on his finger, put it in the man's ear, prayed for him and asked him, "How's your hearing?"
The man replied, "I don't know. It's not until next Tuesday."
--------------
Old Jeb is the laziest man in the county. One day his best friend drove by his farm and noticed his barn was on fire. "Your barn's burning down," he yelled.
"I know it," replied Jeb.
"Well, ain't ya gonna do somethin'?" asked the friend.
"Do somethin'?" responded Jeb. "'Bout what?"
"Why about puttin' out the fire, ya durn fool." answered the friend.
"I am doin' somethin'." replied Jeb.
"What the heck are you doin', jist sittin' there 'n all?" asked Jeb's friend.
"I ain't jist sittin'," replied Jeb, "I'm sittin' here prayin' for rain."
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh
Wednesday, October 18, 2006
Murphy's Lesser Known Laws
Murphy's Lesser Known Laws
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
"He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
"Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
"Those who live by the sword, get shot by those who don't.
"Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
"The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog.
"If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
"The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.
"Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day, drinking beer.
"Flashlight: A metal tube in a pilot's flight bag used to store dead batteries.
"The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
"A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
"When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
Thanks Ted
*******************
Tuesday, October 17, 2006
Anyway
MountainWings A MountainWings Moment
#6290 Wings Over The Mountains of Life
-------------------------------------------------
Anyway
=======
I ran into a stranger as he passed by,
"Oh excuse me please" was my reply.
He said, "Please excuse me too;
I wasn't watching for you."
We were very polite, this stranger and I.
We went on our way and we said good-bye.
But at home a different story is told,
How we treat our loved ones, young and old.
Later that day, cooking the evening meal,
My son stood beside me very still.
When I turned, I nearly knocked him down.
"Move out of the way," I said with a frown.
He walked away, his little heart broken.
I didn't realize how harshly I'd spoken.
While I lay awake in bed,
God's still small voice came to me and said,
"While dealing with a stranger, common courtesy you use,
but the children you love, you seem to abuse.
Go and look on the kitchen floor,
You'll find some flowers there by the door.
Those are the flowers he brought for you.
He picked them himself: pink, yellow and blue.
He stood very quietly not to spoil the surprise,
you never saw the tears that filled his little eyes."
By this time, I felt very small,
And now my tears began to fall.
I quietly went and knelt by his bed;
"Wake up, little one, wake up," I said.
"Are these the flowers you picked for me?"
He smiled, "I found 'em, out by the tree.
I picked 'em because they're pretty like you.
I knew you'd like 'em, especially the blue."
I said, "Son, I'm very sorry for the way I acted today;
I shouldn't have yelled at you that way."
He said, "Oh, Mom, that's okay.
I love you
...anyway."
~Author Unknown~
Send issue 6290 to a friend click http://www.ztaf.com/mw.htm
or simply click FORWARD on your email program
Thank you for inviting MountainWings in your mailbox.
See you tomorrow.
****************
Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between
them a young man in a three-piece suit.
"This young lawyer agreed to marry my daughter," said one.
"No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the other.
And so they haggled before the king until he called for
silence.
"Bring me my biggest sword," said Solomon, "and I shall hew
the young attorney in half. Each of you shall receive a
half."
"Sounds good to me," said the first lady.
But the other woman said, "Oh, sire, do not spill innocent
blood. Let the other woman's daughter marry him."
The wise king did not hesitate a moment. "The attorney must
marry the first lady's daughter," he proclaimed.
"But she was willing to hew him in two!" exclaimed the
king's court.
"Indeed," said wise King Solomon. "That shows she is the
TRUE mother-in-law."
Received from Marty's Joke of the Day.
--
Rate this funny at
http://www.gcfl.net/archive.php?funny=20061017
Brought to you by GCFL.net: The Good, Clean Funnies List
A cheerful heart is good medicine... (Prov 17:22a)
Mail address: GCFL, Box 100, Harvest, AL 35749, USA
#6290 Wings Over The Mountains of Life
-------------------------------------------------
Anyway
=======
I ran into a stranger as he passed by,
"Oh excuse me please" was my reply.
He said, "Please excuse me too;
I wasn't watching for you."
We were very polite, this stranger and I.
We went on our way and we said good-bye.
But at home a different story is told,
How we treat our loved ones, young and old.
Later that day, cooking the evening meal,
My son stood beside me very still.
When I turned, I nearly knocked him down.
"Move out of the way," I said with a frown.
He walked away, his little heart broken.
I didn't realize how harshly I'd spoken.
While I lay awake in bed,
God's still small voice came to me and said,
"While dealing with a stranger, common courtesy you use,
but the children you love, you seem to abuse.
Go and look on the kitchen floor,
You'll find some flowers there by the door.
Those are the flowers he brought for you.
He picked them himself: pink, yellow and blue.
He stood very quietly not to spoil the surprise,
you never saw the tears that filled his little eyes."
By this time, I felt very small,
And now my tears began to fall.
I quietly went and knelt by his bed;
"Wake up, little one, wake up," I said.
"Are these the flowers you picked for me?"
He smiled, "I found 'em, out by the tree.
I picked 'em because they're pretty like you.
I knew you'd like 'em, especially the blue."
I said, "Son, I'm very sorry for the way I acted today;
I shouldn't have yelled at you that way."
He said, "Oh, Mom, that's okay.
I love you
...anyway."
~Author Unknown~
Send issue 6290 to a friend click http://www.ztaf.com/mw.htm
or simply click FORWARD on your email program
Thank you for inviting MountainWings in your mailbox.
See you tomorrow.
****************
Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between
them a young man in a three-piece suit.
"This young lawyer agreed to marry my daughter," said one.
"No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the other.
And so they haggled before the king until he called for
silence.
"Bring me my biggest sword," said Solomon, "and I shall hew
the young attorney in half. Each of you shall receive a
half."
"Sounds good to me," said the first lady.
But the other woman said, "Oh, sire, do not spill innocent
blood. Let the other woman's daughter marry him."
The wise king did not hesitate a moment. "The attorney must
marry the first lady's daughter," he proclaimed.
"But she was willing to hew him in two!" exclaimed the
king's court.
"Indeed," said wise King Solomon. "That shows she is the
TRUE mother-in-law."
Received from Marty's Joke of the Day.
--
Rate this funny at
http://www.gcfl.net/archive.php?funny=20061017
Brought to you by GCFL.net: The Good, Clean Funnies List
A cheerful heart is good medicine... (Prov 17:22a)
Mail address: GCFL, Box 100, Harvest, AL 35749, USA
Saturday, October 14, 2006
"A Dollar Per Point"
"A Dollar Per Point"
A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait. Once the test was over the students all handed their tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point."
The next class the professor handed the tests back. That student got his test back and $64 change.
-----------
"Disappointment"
I bought a box of self-improvement tapes-- "How To Handle Disappointment."
I got it home and the box was empty.
Thanks to: http://http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh
************************
Think about this!
Your alarm goes off, you hit the snooze and sleep for another 10 minutes.
He stays up for days on end.
_________________________
You take a warm shower to help you wake up.
He goes days or weeks without running water.
__________________________
You complain of a "headache", and call in sick.
He gets shot at as others are hit, and keeps moving forward.
__________________________
You put on your anti war/don't support the troops shirt, and go meet up with
your friends.
He still fights for your right to wear that shirt.
__________________________
You make sure you're cell phone is in your pocket.
He clutches the cross hanging on his chain next to his dog tags .
_________________________
You talk trash about your "buddies" that aren't with you.
He knows he may not see some of his buddies again.
__________________________
You walk down the beach, staring at all the pretty girls.
He walks the streets, searching for insurgents and terrorists.
__________________________
You complain about how hot it is.
He wears his heavy gear, not daring to take off his helmet to wipe his brow.
__________________________
You go out to lunch, and complain because the restaurant got your order
wrong.
He doesn't get to eat today.
__________________________
Your maid makes your bed and washes your clothes.
He wears the same things for weeks, but makes sure his weapons are clean.
__________________________
You go to the mall and get your hair redone.
He doesn't have time to brush his teeth today.
__________________________
You're angry because your class ran 5 minutes over.
He's told he will be held over an extra 2 months.
__________________________
You call your girlfriend and set a date for tonight.
He waits for the mail to see if there is a letter from home.
__________________________
You hug and kiss your girlfriend, like you do everyday.
He holds his letter close and smells his love's perfume.
__________________________
You roll your eyes as a baby cries.
He gets a letter with pictures of his new child, and wonders if they'll ever
meet
__________________________
You criticize your government, and say that war never solves anything.
He sees the innocent tortured and killed by their own people and remembers
why he is fighting.
__________________________
You hear the jokes about the war, and make fun of men like him.
He hears the gunfire, bombs and screams of the wounded.
__________________________
You see only what the media wants you to see.
He sees the broken bodies lying around him.
__________________________
You are asked to go to the store by your parents. You don't.
He does exactly what he is told.
__________________________
You stay at home and watch TV.
He takes whatever time he is given to call, write home, sleep, and eat.
__________________________
You crawl into your soft bed, with down pillows, and get comfortable.
He crawls under a tank for shade and a 5 minute nap, only to be woken by
gunfire.
__________________________
You sit there and judge him, saying the world is probably a worse place
because of men like him.
If only there were more men like him!
If you support your troops, re-send this to everyone you know,
If it gets to another veteran who hasn't received it yet, it will bring
back memories.
Only two defining forces have ever offered to die for you,
Jesus Christ and the American G. I.
One died for your soul,
the other for your freedom..
Thanks for sending this Ron.
**********************
A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait. Once the test was over the students all handed their tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point."
The next class the professor handed the tests back. That student got his test back and $64 change.
-----------
"Disappointment"
I bought a box of self-improvement tapes-- "How To Handle Disappointment."
I got it home and the box was empty.
Thanks to: http://http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh
************************
Think about this!
Your alarm goes off, you hit the snooze and sleep for another 10 minutes.
He stays up for days on end.
_________________________
You take a warm shower to help you wake up.
He goes days or weeks without running water.
__________________________
You complain of a "headache", and call in sick.
He gets shot at as others are hit, and keeps moving forward.
__________________________
You put on your anti war/don't support the troops shirt, and go meet up with
your friends.
He still fights for your right to wear that shirt.
__________________________
You make sure you're cell phone is in your pocket.
He clutches the cross hanging on his chain next to his dog tags .
_________________________
You talk trash about your "buddies" that aren't with you.
He knows he may not see some of his buddies again.
__________________________
You walk down the beach, staring at all the pretty girls.
He walks the streets, searching for insurgents and terrorists.
__________________________
You complain about how hot it is.
He wears his heavy gear, not daring to take off his helmet to wipe his brow.
__________________________
You go out to lunch, and complain because the restaurant got your order
wrong.
He doesn't get to eat today.
__________________________
Your maid makes your bed and washes your clothes.
He wears the same things for weeks, but makes sure his weapons are clean.
__________________________
You go to the mall and get your hair redone.
He doesn't have time to brush his teeth today.
__________________________
You're angry because your class ran 5 minutes over.
He's told he will be held over an extra 2 months.
__________________________
You call your girlfriend and set a date for tonight.
He waits for the mail to see if there is a letter from home.
__________________________
You hug and kiss your girlfriend, like you do everyday.
He holds his letter close and smells his love's perfume.
__________________________
You roll your eyes as a baby cries.
He gets a letter with pictures of his new child, and wonders if they'll ever
meet
__________________________
You criticize your government, and say that war never solves anything.
He sees the innocent tortured and killed by their own people and remembers
why he is fighting.
__________________________
You hear the jokes about the war, and make fun of men like him.
He hears the gunfire, bombs and screams of the wounded.
__________________________
You see only what the media wants you to see.
He sees the broken bodies lying around him.
__________________________
You are asked to go to the store by your parents. You don't.
He does exactly what he is told.
__________________________
You stay at home and watch TV.
He takes whatever time he is given to call, write home, sleep, and eat.
__________________________
You crawl into your soft bed, with down pillows, and get comfortable.
He crawls under a tank for shade and a 5 minute nap, only to be woken by
gunfire.
__________________________
You sit there and judge him, saying the world is probably a worse place
because of men like him.
If only there were more men like him!
If you support your troops, re-send this to everyone you know,
If it gets to another veteran who hasn't received it yet, it will bring
back memories.
Only two defining forces have ever offered to die for you,
Jesus Christ and the American G. I.
One died for your soul,
the other for your freedom..
Thanks for sending this Ron.
**********************
Thursday, October 12, 2006
Is Your Hut Burning?
Date: Wed, Oct 11 2006 3:49?pm
From: Eman Abrea
Is Your Hut Burning?
The only survivor of a shipwreck was washed up on a small, uninhabited island. He prayed feverishly for God to rescue him, and every day he scanned the horizon for help, but none seemed forthcoming.
Exhausted, he eventually managed to build a little hut out of driftwood to protect him from the elements, and to store his few possessions. But then one day, after scavenging for food, he arrived home to find his little hut in flames, the smoke rolling up to the sky. The worst had happened; everything was lost. He was stunned with grief and anger. "God, how could you do this to me!" he cried.
Early the next day, however, he was awakened by the sound of a ship that was approaching the island. It had come to rescue him.
"How did you know I was here?" asked the weary man of his rescuers.
"We saw your smoke signal," they replied.
It is easy to get discouraged when things are going badly. But we shouldn't lose heart, because God is at work in our lives, even in the midst of pain and suffering. Remember, next time your little hut is burning to the ground --- it just may be a smoke signal that summons the grace of God.
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him . . . Rom. 8:28
******************
From: Eman Abrea
Is Your Hut Burning?
The only survivor of a shipwreck was washed up on a small, uninhabited island. He prayed feverishly for God to rescue him, and every day he scanned the horizon for help, but none seemed forthcoming.
Exhausted, he eventually managed to build a little hut out of driftwood to protect him from the elements, and to store his few possessions. But then one day, after scavenging for food, he arrived home to find his little hut in flames, the smoke rolling up to the sky. The worst had happened; everything was lost. He was stunned with grief and anger. "God, how could you do this to me!" he cried.
Early the next day, however, he was awakened by the sound of a ship that was approaching the island. It had come to rescue him.
"How did you know I was here?" asked the weary man of his rescuers.
"We saw your smoke signal," they replied.
It is easy to get discouraged when things are going badly. But we shouldn't lose heart, because God is at work in our lives, even in the midst of pain and suffering. Remember, next time your little hut is burning to the ground --- it just may be a smoke signal that summons the grace of God.
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him . . . Rom. 8:28
******************
Wednesday, October 11, 2006
The age question
-------------------------------------------------
MountainWings A MountainWings Moment
#6284 Wings Over The Mountains of Life
-------------------------------------------------
The Age Question
=================
Some people grow old gracefully, while others fight and scratch
the whole way. Andy's wife, refusing to give in to the looks of
growing old, goes out and buys a new line of expensive cosmetics
guaranteed to make her look years younger.
After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle"
products, she asks her husband, "Darling, honestly, if you
didn't know me, what age would you say I am?"
Looking over her carefully, Andy replied, "Judging from your
skin, 20; your hair, 18; your eyes, 16, and your figure, 25."
"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed. Just as she was about to tell
Andy his reward, he stops her by saying...
"WHOA, hold on there sweety!" Andy interrupted.
"I haven't added them up yet!"
To send issue 6284 to a friend click http://www.ztaf.com/mw.htm
********************
MountainWings A MountainWings Moment
#6284 Wings Over The Mountains of Life
-------------------------------------------------
The Age Question
=================
Some people grow old gracefully, while others fight and scratch
the whole way. Andy's wife, refusing to give in to the looks of
growing old, goes out and buys a new line of expensive cosmetics
guaranteed to make her look years younger.
After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle"
products, she asks her husband, "Darling, honestly, if you
didn't know me, what age would you say I am?"
Looking over her carefully, Andy replied, "Judging from your
skin, 20; your hair, 18; your eyes, 16, and your figure, 25."
"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed. Just as she was about to tell
Andy his reward, he stops her by saying...
"WHOA, hold on there sweety!" Andy interrupted.
"I haven't added them up yet!"
To send issue 6284 to a friend click http://www.ztaf.com/mw.htm
********************
Tuesday, October 10, 2006
Recall Notice
My daughter's third-grade teacher had assigned the children to write a story titled "My Biggest Surprise."
Not until the end of the school year did we see Marina's work. It read: "I got up this morning and I ran into Mommy and Daddy's bed and hopped in. But it wasn't Mommy at all.It was Mrs. Del Campo!"
What her essay neglected to say was that we had called Mrs.Del Campo late at night to stay with our children while I took my wife to the hospital to have our third child.
*****************
My husband refused to learn how to operate a PC. I tried to get him to realize how important it is, since all our financial records are stored on disks.
"What if something happens to me?" I asked him. "You wouldn't know what our assets are."
"Honey," he replied, "if something happened to you, I wouldn't need any money."
The above two entries from: Pastor Tim at-- http://www.cybersalt.org
********************
Recall Notice-
The Maker of all human beings is recalling all units manufactured, regardless of make or year, due to a serious defect in the primary and central component of the heart. This is due to malfunction in the original prototype units code named Adam and Eve, resulting in the reproduction of the same defect in all subsequent units. This defect has been technically termed "Subsequential Internal Non-morality", or more commonly known as S.I.N.
Symptoms include:
1. Loss of direction
2. Foul vocal emissions
3. Amnesia of origin
4. Lack of peace and joy
5. Selfish, or violent behavior
6. Depression or confusionin the mental component
7. Fearfulness
8. Idolatry
9. Rebellion
-The Manufacturer, who is neither liable nor at fault for this defect, is providing factory authorized repair and service free of charge to correct this S.I.N. defect. The Repair Technician, JESUS, has most generously offered to bear the entire burden of the staggering cost of these repairs.
-There is no additional fee required.The number to call in all areas is: P-R-A-Y-E-R.-Once connected, please upload your burden of S.I.N. through the REPENTANCE procedure.
-Next, download ATONEMENT from the Repair Technician, JESUS, into the heart component. No matter how big or small the S.I.N. defect is, JESUS will replace it with:
-1. Love
2. Joy
3. Peace
4. Patience
5. Kindness
6. Goodness
7. Faithfulness
8. Gentleness
9. Self control
-Please see the operating manual, the B.I.B.L.E. (Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth), for further details on the use of these fixes
-WARNING: Continuing to operate the human being unit without correction voids any manufacturer warranties, exposing the unit to dangers and problems too numerous to list and will result in the human unit being permanently impounded. The human being units not responding to th is recall action will have to be scrapped in the furnace. The S.I.N. defect will not be permitted to enter Heaven, so as to prevent contamination of that facility. For free emergency service, call on JESUS.
-Thank you for your attention!
-GOD
-P.S. Please assist where possible by notifying others of this important recall notice!!!
Faith is not believing that God can. It is knowing that God will.
Thanks Ron
******************
Clinton's Legacy: North Korea's Bomb
North Korea's Bomb
Not until the end of the school year did we see Marina's work. It read: "I got up this morning and I ran into Mommy and Daddy's bed and hopped in. But it wasn't Mommy at all.It was Mrs. Del Campo!"
What her essay neglected to say was that we had called Mrs.Del Campo late at night to stay with our children while I took my wife to the hospital to have our third child.
*****************
My husband refused to learn how to operate a PC. I tried to get him to realize how important it is, since all our financial records are stored on disks.
"What if something happens to me?" I asked him. "You wouldn't know what our assets are."
"Honey," he replied, "if something happened to you, I wouldn't need any money."
The above two entries from: Pastor Tim at-- http://www.cybersalt.org
********************
Recall Notice-
The Maker of all human beings is recalling all units manufactured, regardless of make or year, due to a serious defect in the primary and central component of the heart. This is due to malfunction in the original prototype units code named Adam and Eve, resulting in the reproduction of the same defect in all subsequent units. This defect has been technically termed "Subsequential Internal Non-morality", or more commonly known as S.I.N.
Symptoms include:
1. Loss of direction
2. Foul vocal emissions
3. Amnesia of origin
4. Lack of peace and joy
5. Selfish, or violent behavior
6. Depression or confusionin the mental component
7. Fearfulness
8. Idolatry
9. Rebellion
-The Manufacturer, who is neither liable nor at fault for this defect, is providing factory authorized repair and service free of charge to correct this S.I.N. defect. The Repair Technician, JESUS, has most generously offered to bear the entire burden of the staggering cost of these repairs.
-There is no additional fee required.The number to call in all areas is: P-R-A-Y-E-R.-Once connected, please upload your burden of S.I.N. through the REPENTANCE procedure.
-Next, download ATONEMENT from the Repair Technician, JESUS, into the heart component. No matter how big or small the S.I.N. defect is, JESUS will replace it with:
-1. Love
2. Joy
3. Peace
4. Patience
5. Kindness
6. Goodness
7. Faithfulness
8. Gentleness
9. Self control
-Please see the operating manual, the B.I.B.L.E. (Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth), for further details on the use of these fixes
-WARNING: Continuing to operate the human being unit without correction voids any manufacturer warranties, exposing the unit to dangers and problems too numerous to list and will result in the human unit being permanently impounded. The human being units not responding to th is recall action will have to be scrapped in the furnace. The S.I.N. defect will not be permitted to enter Heaven, so as to prevent contamination of that facility. For free emergency service, call on JESUS.
-Thank you for your attention!
-GOD
-P.S. Please assist where possible by notifying others of this important recall notice!!!
Faith is not believing that God can. It is knowing that God will.
Thanks Ron
******************
Clinton's Legacy: North Korea's Bomb
North Korea's Bomb
Saturday, October 07, 2006
The Marine's Father
-------------------------------------------------
MountainWings A MountainWings Moment
#6280 Wings Over The Mountains of Life
-------------------------------------------------
The Marine’s Father
====================
A nurse took the tired, anxious serviceman to the bedside.
"Your son is here," she said to the old man. She had to repeat
the words several times before the patient's eyes opened.
Heavily sedated because of the pain of his heart attack, he
dimly saw the young uniformed Marine standing outside the oxygen
tent. He reached out his hand. The Marine wrapped his
toughened fingers around the old man's limp ones, squeezing a
message of love and encouragement.
The nurse brought a chair so that the Marine could sit beside
the bed. All through the night the young Marine sat there in
the poorly lighted ward, holding the old man's hand and offering
him words of love and strength. Occasionally, the nurse
suggested that the Marine move away and rest awhile.
He refused. Whenever the nurse came into the ward, the Marine
was oblivious of her and of the night noises of the hospital -
the clanking of the oxygen tank, the laughter of the night staff
members exchanging greetings, the cries and moans of the other
patients.
Now and then she heard him say a few gentle words. The dying
man said nothing, only held tightly to his son all through the
night.
Along towards dawn, the old man died. The Marine released the
now lifeless hand he had been holding and went to tell the
nurse. While she did what she had to do, he waited.
Finally, she returned. She started to offer words of sympathy,
but the Marine interrupted her.
"Who was that man?" he asked.
The nurse was startled, "He was your father," she answered.
"No, he wasn't," the Marine replied.
"I never saw him before in my life."
"Then why didn't you say something when I took you to him?"
"I knew right away there had been a mistake, but I also knew he
needed his son, and his son just wasn't here. When I realized
that he was too sick to tell whether or not I was his son,
knowing how much he needed me, I stayed."
The next time someone needs you just be there. Stay.
We are not human beings going through a temporary spiritual
experience.
We are spiritual beings going through a temporary human
experience.
~Author Unknown~
Send issue 6280 to a friend click http://www.ztaf.com/mw.htm
or simply click FORWARD on your email program
Thank you for inviting MountainWings in your mailbox.
See you tomorrow.
MountainWings A MountainWings Moment
#6280 Wings Over The Mountains of Life
-------------------------------------------------
The Marine’s Father
====================
A nurse took the tired, anxious serviceman to the bedside.
"Your son is here," she said to the old man. She had to repeat
the words several times before the patient's eyes opened.
Heavily sedated because of the pain of his heart attack, he
dimly saw the young uniformed Marine standing outside the oxygen
tent. He reached out his hand. The Marine wrapped his
toughened fingers around the old man's limp ones, squeezing a
message of love and encouragement.
The nurse brought a chair so that the Marine could sit beside
the bed. All through the night the young Marine sat there in
the poorly lighted ward, holding the old man's hand and offering
him words of love and strength. Occasionally, the nurse
suggested that the Marine move away and rest awhile.
He refused. Whenever the nurse came into the ward, the Marine
was oblivious of her and of the night noises of the hospital -
the clanking of the oxygen tank, the laughter of the night staff
members exchanging greetings, the cries and moans of the other
patients.
Now and then she heard him say a few gentle words. The dying
man said nothing, only held tightly to his son all through the
night.
Along towards dawn, the old man died. The Marine released the
now lifeless hand he had been holding and went to tell the
nurse. While she did what she had to do, he waited.
Finally, she returned. She started to offer words of sympathy,
but the Marine interrupted her.
"Who was that man?" he asked.
The nurse was startled, "He was your father," she answered.
"No, he wasn't," the Marine replied.
"I never saw him before in my life."
"Then why didn't you say something when I took you to him?"
"I knew right away there had been a mistake, but I also knew he
needed his son, and his son just wasn't here. When I realized
that he was too sick to tell whether or not I was his son,
knowing how much he needed me, I stayed."
The next time someone needs you just be there. Stay.
We are not human beings going through a temporary spiritual
experience.
We are spiritual beings going through a temporary human
experience.
~Author Unknown~
Send issue 6280 to a friend click http://www.ztaf.com/mw.htm
or simply click FORWARD on your email program
Thank you for inviting MountainWings in your mailbox.
See you tomorrow.
Friday, October 06, 2006
Recall Notice
Recall Notice
The Maker of all human beings is recalling all units manufactured, regardless of make or year, due to a serious defect in the primary and central component of the heart. This is due to malfunction in the original prototype units code named Adam and Eve, resulting in the reproduction of the same defect in all subsequent units. This defect has been technically termed "Subsequential Internal Non-morality", or more commonly known as S.I.N. Symptoms include: -
1. Loss of direction
2. Foul vocal emissions
3. Amnesia of origin
4. Lack of peace and joy
5. Selfish, or violent behavior
6. Depression or confusion in the mental component
7. Fearfulness
8. Idolatry
9. Rebellion
The Manufacturer, who is neither liable nor at fault for this defect, is providing factory authorized repair and service free of charge to correct this S.I.N. defect. The Repair Technician, JESUS, has most generously offered to bear the entire burden of the staggering cost of these repairs.
There is no additional fee required.
The number to call in all areas is: P-R-A-Y-E-R.
Once connected, please upload your burden of S.I.N. through the REPENTANCE procedure. Next, download ATONEMENT from the Repair Technician, JESUS, into the heart component. No matter how big or small the S.I.N. defect is, JESUS will replace it with:
1. Love
2. Joy
3. Peace
4. Patience
5. Kindness
6. Goodness
7. Faithfulness
8. Gentleness
9. Self control
Please see the operating manual, the B.I.B.L.E. (Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth), for further details on the use of these fixes.
WARNING: Continuing to operate the human being unit without correction voids any manufacturer warranties, exposing the unit to dangers and problems too numerous to list and will result in the human unit being permanently impounded. The human being units not responding to th is recall action will have to be scrapped in the furnace. The S.I.N. defect will not be permitted to enter Heaven, so as to prevent contamination of that facility. For free emergency service, call on JESUS.
Thank you for your attention!
GOD
P.S. Please assist where possible by notifying others of this important recall notice!!!
Faith is not believing that God can. It is knowing that God will.
Thank you Ron for this excellent addition!
******************
A city slicker was driving through the country when he spotted a horse standing in a field. He was quite taken with the animal and so pulled over to ask the farmer if it was for sale.
"Afraid not," said the farmer.
"I'll give you a thousand bucks!" said the city fella.
"I can't sell you that horse. He don't look too good," replied the farmer.
"I know horses and he looks fine. I'll give you two thousand!"
"Well, all right, if you want him so bad."
The next day, the man returned the horse, screaming that he had been taken advantage of. "You sold me a blind horse!"
"Well," said the farmer, "I told you he didn't look too good."
From : http://www.cybersalt.net/rdvote.htm
The Maker of all human beings is recalling all units manufactured, regardless of make or year, due to a serious defect in the primary and central component of the heart. This is due to malfunction in the original prototype units code named Adam and Eve, resulting in the reproduction of the same defect in all subsequent units. This defect has been technically termed "Subsequential Internal Non-morality", or more commonly known as S.I.N. Symptoms include: -
1. Loss of direction
2. Foul vocal emissions
3. Amnesia of origin
4. Lack of peace and joy
5. Selfish, or violent behavior
6. Depression or confusion in the mental component
7. Fearfulness
8. Idolatry
9. Rebellion
The Manufacturer, who is neither liable nor at fault for this defect, is providing factory authorized repair and service free of charge to correct this S.I.N. defect. The Repair Technician, JESUS, has most generously offered to bear the entire burden of the staggering cost of these repairs.
There is no additional fee required.
The number to call in all areas is: P-R-A-Y-E-R.
Once connected, please upload your burden of S.I.N. through the REPENTANCE procedure. Next, download ATONEMENT from the Repair Technician, JESUS, into the heart component. No matter how big or small the S.I.N. defect is, JESUS will replace it with:
1. Love
2. Joy
3. Peace
4. Patience
5. Kindness
6. Goodness
7. Faithfulness
8. Gentleness
9. Self control
Please see the operating manual, the B.I.B.L.E. (Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth), for further details on the use of these fixes.
WARNING: Continuing to operate the human being unit without correction voids any manufacturer warranties, exposing the unit to dangers and problems too numerous to list and will result in the human unit being permanently impounded. The human being units not responding to th is recall action will have to be scrapped in the furnace. The S.I.N. defect will not be permitted to enter Heaven, so as to prevent contamination of that facility. For free emergency service, call on JESUS.
Thank you for your attention!
GOD
P.S. Please assist where possible by notifying others of this important recall notice!!!
Faith is not believing that God can. It is knowing that God will.
Thank you Ron for this excellent addition!
******************
A city slicker was driving through the country when he spotted a horse standing in a field. He was quite taken with the animal and so pulled over to ask the farmer if it was for sale.
"Afraid not," said the farmer.
"I'll give you a thousand bucks!" said the city fella.
"I can't sell you that horse. He don't look too good," replied the farmer.
"I know horses and he looks fine. I'll give you two thousand!"
"Well, all right, if you want him so bad."
The next day, the man returned the horse, screaming that he had been taken advantage of. "You sold me a blind horse!"
"Well," said the farmer, "I told you he didn't look too good."
From : http://www.cybersalt.net/rdvote.htm
Thursday, October 05, 2006
Wild Thursday!
One year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my sister's house for the traditional feast. Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick.
She told my sister that she needed something from the store. When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven. She removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, inserted it into the turkey, and re-stuffed the turkey. She then placed the bird(s) back in the oven.
When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird. With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, "Patricia, you've cooked a pregnant bird!"
At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry. It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs!
Thanks for this one Ted.
*******************
Doctors and Guns
================
Doctors:
(A) The number of physicians in the U.S. is 700,000.
(B) Accidental deaths caused by physicians per year are 120,000.
(C) Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171.
Statistics courtesy of U.S. Dept of Health and Human Services.
Guns:
(A) The number of gun owners in the U.S. is 80,000,000. Yes, that is 80 million.
(B) The number of accidental gun deaths per year all age groups is 1,500.
(C) The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is 0.000188
Statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.
Remember, "Guns don't kill people, doctors do."
FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN, BUT ALMOST EVERYONE HAS AT LEAST ONE DOCTOR.
Please alert your friends to this alarming threat. We must ban doctors before this gets completely out of hand!
Out of concern for the public at large, I have withheld the statistics on lawyers for fear the shock would cause people to panic and seek medical attention.
~Author Unknown~
...of course this is a joke. Isn’t it?
Thank you for inviting MountainWings in your mailbox.
See you tomorrow.
Send issue 6277 to a friend click http://www.ztaf.com/mw.htm
or simply click FORWARD on your email program
She told my sister that she needed something from the store. When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven. She removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, inserted it into the turkey, and re-stuffed the turkey. She then placed the bird(s) back in the oven.
When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird. With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, "Patricia, you've cooked a pregnant bird!"
At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry. It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs!
Thanks for this one Ted.
*******************
Doctors and Guns
================
Doctors:
(A) The number of physicians in the U.S. is 700,000.
(B) Accidental deaths caused by physicians per year are 120,000.
(C) Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171.
Statistics courtesy of U.S. Dept of Health and Human Services.
Guns:
(A) The number of gun owners in the U.S. is 80,000,000. Yes, that is 80 million.
(B) The number of accidental gun deaths per year all age groups is 1,500.
(C) The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is 0.000188
Statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.
Remember, "Guns don't kill people, doctors do."
FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN, BUT ALMOST EVERYONE HAS AT LEAST ONE DOCTOR.
Please alert your friends to this alarming threat. We must ban doctors before this gets completely out of hand!
Out of concern for the public at large, I have withheld the statistics on lawyers for fear the shock would cause people to panic and seek medical attention.
~Author Unknown~
...of course this is a joke. Isn’t it?
Thank you for inviting MountainWings in your mailbox.
See you tomorrow.
Send issue 6277 to a friend click http://www.ztaf.com/mw.htm
or simply click FORWARD on your email program
Tuesday, October 03, 2006
Getting Even
________________
Getting Even
After 17 years of marriage, a man dumped his wife for a younger woman. The downtown luxury apartment was in his name and he wanted to remain there with his new love so he asked the wife to move out and then he would buy her another place.
The wife agreed to this, but asked that she be given 3 days on her own there, to pack up her things. While he was gone, the first day she lovingly put her personal belongings into boxes and crates and suitcases.
On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things. On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their candlelit dining table, soft music playing in the background, and feasted on a pound of shrimp and a bottle of Chardonnay.
When she had finished, she went into each room and deposited a few of the resulting shrimp shells into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
The husband came back, with his new girl, and all was bliss for the first few days. Then it started; slowly but surely. Clueless, the man could not explain why the place smelled so bad. They tried everything; cleaned & mopped and aired the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, carpets were steam cleaned, air fresheners were hung everywhere.
Exterminators were brought in, the carpets were replaced, and on it went. Finally, they could take it no more and decided to move. The moving company arrived and did a very professional packing job, taking everything to their new home...including the curtain rods.
Traditional, http://www.esermons.com/
______________________
Getting Even
After 17 years of marriage, a man dumped his wife for a younger woman. The downtown luxury apartment was in his name and he wanted to remain there with his new love so he asked the wife to move out and then he would buy her another place.
The wife agreed to this, but asked that she be given 3 days on her own there, to pack up her things. While he was gone, the first day she lovingly put her personal belongings into boxes and crates and suitcases.
On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things. On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their candlelit dining table, soft music playing in the background, and feasted on a pound of shrimp and a bottle of Chardonnay.
When she had finished, she went into each room and deposited a few of the resulting shrimp shells into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
The husband came back, with his new girl, and all was bliss for the first few days. Then it started; slowly but surely. Clueless, the man could not explain why the place smelled so bad. They tried everything; cleaned & mopped and aired the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, carpets were steam cleaned, air fresheners were hung everywhere.
Exterminators were brought in, the carpets were replaced, and on it went. Finally, they could take it no more and decided to move. The moving company arrived and did a very professional packing job, taking everything to their new home...including the curtain rods.
Traditional, http://www.esermons.com/
______________________
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